posted
Lili has met two Wildcats, members of an all female elite military unit, and has made the decision to seek a place in their ranks.
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Lili hesitated in the gate’s shadow. Her gaze wandered down the road, beneath the green canopy, and beyond to the future she had chosen. A small inner voice whispered, fool. Boots frozen to the stone beneath, she leaned forward hovering on the verge of taking that initial step, the first of many leading away from all she’d known. Whether she returned in triumph or shame, nothing would ever be the same. Of course that’s why she was going, wasn’t it? How silly to be afraid now. She drew an image in her mind of the craven mouse child cowering on life’s threshold, and deliberately stepped out of it. Pausing but a moment in the morning sun she imagined stripping off all of her doubts and fears like old garments, and tossing them back into the shadows forever behind her. She squared her shoulders,
[This message has been edited by Josephine Kait (edited March 14, 2011).]
posted
I'm new to this critiquing thing, so bear with me
I like the feel of this. In some places, though, I think it may be taking a little too long to get to her new future. Is there anything telling detail down that road that you could describe, instead of just the green canopy?
quote:A small inner voice whispered, fool.
You might get a little more impact to turn it around: Fool, a small inner voice whispered.
quote:She drew an image in her mind of the craven mouse child cowering on life’s threshold, and deliberately stepped out of it. Pausing but a moment in the morning sun she imagined stripping off all of her doubts and fears like old garments, and tossing them back into the shadows forever behind her.
I like the images, but reading it, I felt like I wanted the second to relate to the first. Using the two together diluted them both, telling the same thing two ways. Also, "Pausing but a moment in the morning sun" slowed the pace down again.
posted
Hello, Josephine; A very evocative piece, very cleanly written, however, the pacing is, well, sort of slow. If you wanted to increase the pace (which would let the reader sense Lilli’s tension), you could do this by tightening the narrative. An example:
Lilli stared at the green canopy over the road from the shelter of the gate. But fear of taking that first step to her future froze her feet. An inner voice whispered, fool. Would this be triumph or shame? It was too late to turn back.
The image of a craven mouse child, cowering before scurrying forth, crossed her mind. I can do that, she thought, and more. Biting her lower lip, she squared her shoulders…
Hmm, I put a little alliteration in the second sentence – quite accidental.
Your original piece is over-written and shows hesitancy. Use body language and make the reader work to understand what is going on. This can involve the reader more.
Remember, writers are also entertainers, and as such, must move fast enough to keep the reader ‘in the story.’ Keep it up! MBW
posted
I agree with the pacing comments but overall I love it! Your imagery spoke to me. I could visualize the heroine setting off on her epic journey, both physically and emotionally. My only disappointment was finishing the last line and not being able to keep reading! Posts: 207 | Registered: May 2011
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posted
I like this. All I could do is play at smoothing word flow and sentence structure a bit, as a suggestion:
---------------------------------------------------------------- Lili hesitated in the gate’s shadow. She gazed down the road, beneath the green canopy, and beyond to the future she had chosen. A small inner voice whispered, fool. Boots frozen to the stone, she leaned forward hovering on the verge of taking that initial step that led away from all she’d known. Would she return in triumph or shame? In either case, nothing would ever be the same. Of course that’s why she was going, wasn’t it? How silly to be afraid now.
In her mind she saw herself as a craven mouse cowering on life’s threshold; and then, lips pressed, she deliberately stepped beyond the gate. She paused but a moment in the morning sun, stripping off her doubts and fears like old garments, tossing them back into the shadows forever behind her. She squared her shoulders...
---------------------------------------------------------------- Respectfully, Dr. Bob
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