----- Query -----
*The Quest for Norumbega* is comic novel blending elements of fantasy, science fiction and wuxia (magical martial arts epic) in a story that is alternately satirical, romantic and thought-provoking.

In the far distant future, mighty warrior sages roam the ruined landscape of North America, meting out justice with their strange syncretic mix of Orthodox Judaism and Tibetan Buddhism.

Benno is a young bandit slave with an incurable habit of speaking his mind and asking questions that people don't want to hear. When Master Choseng frees him from the bandit guild, a grateful Benno pesters Choseng into accepting him as a disciple. Now Benno has a teacher who welcomes questions, although as often as not he answers them with questions of his own. Benno is free to speak his mind, as long as he doesn't mind having the inadequacies of that mind ruthlessly exposed. And Benno is learning the esoteric martial arts of the fighting sages.

Benno has even found a purpose in life: to accompany Master Choseng on his quest to reopen Norumbega, the legendary treasure-house of sages. In Norumbega there is power to cure a world sickened by ignorance and injustice, but that power comes at a price. Benno must pay that price and learn the true nature of bondage; only then can he take up the quest as his own. It will break his heart, then lead him to his heart's desire, lost a thousand years before he was born.

*The Quest for Norumbega* is approximately 116 thousand words long.
--- End Query ---

As for the query, here are my thoughts:

In general, I like it, and were I an agent, I'd at least request pages.

quote:

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Benno is a young bandit slave with an incurable habit of speaking his mind and asking questions that people don't want to hear. When Master Choseng frees him from the bandit guild, a grateful Benno pesters Choseng into accepting him as a disciple. Now Benno has a teacher who welcomes questions, although as often as not he answers them with questions of his own. Benno is free to speak his mind, as long as he doesn't mind having the inadequacies of that mind ruthlessly exposed. And Benno is learning the esoteric martial arts of the fighting sages.

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I liked this paragraph most, and I feel like this is the one you should open up with. It introduces immediately the protagonist, and his nature of getting himself into trouble. It gives me some idea of the books inciting scene.

quote:

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Benno has even found a purpose in life: to accompany Master Choseng on his quest to reopen Norumbega, the legendary treasure-house of sages. In Norumbega there is power to cure a world sickened by ignorance and injustice, but that power comes at a price. Benno must pay that price and learn the true nature of bondage; only then can he take up the quest as his own. It will break his heart, then lead him to his heart's desire, lost a thousand years before he was born.

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This introduces the story arc, and it sounds like a fun adventure. The line "It will break his heart, then lead him to his heart's desire, lost a thousand years before he was born" is tantalizingly mysterious.

quote:

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*The Quest for Norumbega* is comic novel blending elements of fantasy, science fiction and wuxia (magical martial arts epic) in a story that is alternately satirical, romantic and thought-provoking.

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So, the main thing I'd consider an improvement is to move the above passage to the end and integrate it with your word-count sentence.

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In the far distant future, mighty warrior sages roam the ruined landscape of North America, meting out justice with their strange syncretic mix of Orthodox Judaism and Tibetan Buddhism.

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This sentence, I'd consider disseminating this information into the two main paragraphs that introduce Benno and his quest to us. I feel like this, and the very first sentence, are sort of like speed bumps that slow me down from getting to the good stuff.

Otherwise, the writing is great in the query, I get the sense the author is intelligent and has a good handle on prose. So, nice job, I think all you need is a little rearrangement.

[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 14, 2011).]

quote:

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*The Quest for Norumbega* is comic novel blending elements of fantasy, science fiction and wuxia (magical martial arts epic) in a story that is alternately satirical, romantic and thought-provoking.

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In my opinion, move this to the last paragraph. Start with the story or with a connection to the agent.

quote:

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In the far distant future, mighty warrior sages roam the ruined landscape of North America, meting out justice with their strange syncretic mix of Orthodox Judaism and Tibetan Buddhism.

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This is background. Don't start with it. Try to work it in to Benno's meeting with Choseng instead.

Start with Benno and try to give the reader some reason to care about him. You've got a pretty good start below.

quote:

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Benno is a young bandit slave with an incurable habit of speaking his mind and asking questions that people don't want to hear. When Master Choseng frees him from the bandit guild, a grateful Benno pesters Choseng into accepting him as a disciple. Now Benno has a teacher who welcomes questions, although as often as not he answers them with questions of his own. Benno is free to speak his mind, as long as he doesn't mind having the inadequacies of that mind ruthlessly exposed. And Benno is learning the esoteric martial arts of the fighting sages.

Benno has even found a purpose in life: to accompany Master Choseng on his quest to reopen Norumbega, the legendary treasure-house of sages. In Norumbega there is power to cure a world sickened by ignorance and injustice, but that power comes at a price. Benno must pay that price and learn the true nature of bondage; only then can he take up the quest as his own. It will break his heart, then lead him to his heart's desire, lost a thousand years before he was born.

*The Quest for Norumbega* is approximately 116 thousand words long.

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The rest is pretty good. I worry that you might have taken it a little to far. You give away the ending, which you don't need to do in the query.

The main points to hit are:

• Who is the main character and why should we care?
• What is the choice the main character must make/problem he faces?
• What are the stakes.
  

Another thing to consider is that you really only need to go as far as the inciting incident. The idea is to leave them wanting more, so they request a partial or a full manuscript.

The inspiration for the story is the present day attraction of many liberal Jewish intellectuals to Buddhism. Some of my friends even refer to themselves as "Jubus". If the query finds its way into the hands of such a person, he'll immediately get the point. I also think that if the manuscript is ever taken on, it will most likely be by somebody of a Jubu-ish disposition.

As for giving too much away, Meredith, it's like they say: you ain't seen nuthin' yet. Ironic developments we've got galore. In the central story, when Benno pays the price, it stays paid,contrary to what most readers will expect. The reader gets a happy ending, but some happy endings preclude others. One of the more serious themes of the story is that when you choose to love in the present you also choose to accept grief in the future.

quote:

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The inspiration for the story is the present day attraction of many liberal Jewish intellectuals to Buddhism. Some of my friends even refer to themselves as "Jubus". If the query finds its way into the hands of such a person, he'll immediately get the point. I also think that if the manuscript is ever taken on, it will most likely be by somebody of a Jubu-ish disposition.

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Are you sure about using the word bondage?
That's really all that I can add to the other ideas.

I believe a query starts by GRABBING the agent’s attention – something of consequence at stake.

You identify the genre, or genre mix and advise us that it contains humor (which is always a challenge). Is this an attempt to be all things to all people? The second paragraph ‘tells’ us there is a strange form of justice as part of the setting, but doesn’t identify what is at stake. Give us the conflict. What’s strange about the justice?

The second paragraph also ‘tells’ us Choseng takes on Benno as a student and warns us that we are in for a dose of questions answered by other questions, which sounds like a set up for ‘talking heads.’ How about identifying the protagonist and nature of conflict?

Finally, in the third paragraph, we learn the story is a ‘quest,’ which is a known plot format. Yet, there is no clear identity of the antagonist. Is it Norumbega? If so, Norumbega should not be the goal. What’s the source of the conflict (other than the obstacles on the quest road)? Does Choseng turn against his pupil? Perhaps you could be more specific as to sources of tension in the story.

I love the word ‘Norumbega,’ it makes me think of drums pounding away in the distance.

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You identify the genre, or genre mix and advise us that it contains humor (which is always a challenge). Is this an attempt to be all things to all people?

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While I see nothing wrong with writing that way, I don't set out with a target audience in mind. I am at heart a satirist; I build stories around things that strike me as incongruous or ironic, and worry about genre later. I'd say the closest parallel to what I do would be Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, although my style is very different.

In this case the inspiration is the attraction so many of my Jewish friends have for Buddhism. I thought to myself, "what would happen if they passed that on to their children, if it became a distinctive religion?" The natural vehicle for that is an apprenticeship story. Once I had that in hand, I asked myself, "How can I kick up the absurdity a notch, yet make the story seem more real?" That led to the science fiction elements. What I do is the next thing to farce. A farce writer will do anything for a laugh; I'll do anything for a shock of ironic recognition.

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Give us the conflict. What’s strange about the justice?

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The conflict is between Benno being a geek at heart and his finding acceptance.

What is strange isn't justice per se, but the Jubu style of figuring out what justice demands. Being Jews, that entails a lot of debate, but they use a mix of Jewish legal principles and Buddhist psychology. I researched both rabbinical and Buddhist ethical writings to develop a plausible but incongruous flavor to their reasoning.

As far as grabbing attention, that's obviously the game here, but I suspect the obvious ways of doing it are overdone, especially in speculative fiction. I'll bet every agent reads a dozen queries for stories where the Fate of Humanity is at stake.

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I love the word ‘Norumbega,’ it makes me think of drums pounding away in the distance.

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It's an Algonquin word meaning "quiet place in troubled waters".

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

P.S. As a long aside, I feel an obligation to note that Jubus are comparatively few in number and should not be mistaken in any way representative of those who follow the Jewish faith. This would only create confusion. The similarities between Judaism and Buddhism are, at best, superficial, mostly in some points of ethics, a recognition of suffering in the world, and there it about ends. Where the Jubu seeks to spiritually elevate and escape the world of suffering, a Jew is spiritually guided to roll up his/her sleeves and step into the morass to help alleviate it.

Per Torah and halakha (Jewish Law) a Jew is forbidden to worship any deity, any icon, in the same manner one worships G-d--i.e. no incense, libations, prayers, candle-lighting, nor offerings. Thus, per Torah, Jubus are not Jews--or they are wayward Jews who sin in the manner of the Israelites who worshiped the golden calf.

My interaction with JuBus, and studies of JuBuddhism, has suggested the attraction is the spirituality inherent in Buddhism that these men and women believe was lacking in their birth faith. On questioning, I found few Jubus had more than a superficial knowledge of Judaism beyond Sunday school--and even then they were not "religious" in either their attendance or attention. They were completely unaware of the millenia-old spiritual and mystical teachings and traditions of Judaism (much the subject of my own writings).

However, I found of interest how strong Jubus hold their "Jewish identity" even when their beliefs and practices are contrary, even contradictory, to Judaism. I've noticed this similarly among self-styled "Hebrew Christians" and "Jews for Jesus." There is something that they all paradoxically value in being associated with the Jewish people--but not enough to actually live and worship as Jews. From a Jewish perspective, these individuals are simply Buddhists and Christians, respectfully, regardless if they dress up in kippah and tallit (Jewish head coverings and prayer shawls).

There is an enticing search for self in Buddhism, where G-d does not exist or, if He does, is unconcerned, as human beings seek escape from a world that is a trial of suffering.

Judaism is a search for G-d, Who exists, Who cares and provides guidance in Torah, in a world created for our joy, and which is our responsibility.

What I have been noticing in the last decade has been the number of JuBus making aliyah (trips to Israel to reconnect to their "karmic" Jewish roots) and teshuvah returning to the Jewish faith--as if their karmic journey along the Kalachakra (wheel of time)* has brought them full circle.
E.g. http://www.aish.com/sp/so/48905982.html

* The Jewish concept of time is linear, and broke with early man's beliefs of circular time. In Judaism, one can always improve upon one's future and create a better world for one's children than the one before.

Judaism, is defined by a set of beliefs as well as practices, obligations, and commanded ethical behaviors. Buddhism is a wonderful belief system and provides guidance to many. It is simply not compatible with Judaism per the majority, though there are some Jews (and others) who find additional meaning for themselves. And if it leads them to behave ethically as G-d commands, Judaism teaches this is well and good: "The righteous among ALL the nations of the earth have a share in the world-to-come" [Tosefta Sanhedrin 13:2].

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

Any religion which survives for hundreds or even thousands of years has to have certain flexibility. If, perhaps, it is impolitic to say they reinterpret themselves, I'd say they show a remarkable ability to find within their traditions distinctive approaches to new and unprecedented conditions. So while the Torah may contain all of G-d's commandments; and those commandments are both a necessary and entirely sufficient guidance for the righteous Jew, they don't give direct and explicit guidance in matters like medical ethics. Those are matters for rational inquiry and exegesis.

The durability of Jewish identity that Dr. Bob cites is a remarkable phenomenon, all the more so in that it is combined with an equally remarkable adaptability. There's a joke that was current among Polish Jews around the start of the 20th Century that goes like this: One Jew says to another, "I went to Warsaw, and there I met a Jew who grew up in a yeshiva and could recite whole sections of the Talmud by heart. I met a Jew who was an atheist. I met a Jew who was a Socialist radical, and I met a Jew who owned a factory that employed dozens of people." "So, what?" his friend says, "There's all kinds of Jews in the world." "You don't understand," the first Jew says. "They were all the same Jew."

So I thought Jubu is something that has potential to become a distinct religious tradition, and I spent some time working that out. The challenge was to represent Jubu as both distinct from Judaism yet maintaining that kernel of Jewish identity which is so hard to extinguish.

As to whether or not real world Jubus are ignorant of Judaism, I'd say this. Judaism is an ancient religion that has taken a number of remarkable turns in its thousands of years of history; a lifetime of study wouldn't be enough to learn all there is to know about it. I think that many Jubus who are attracted to things like the Tantric practices of Tibetan Buddhism might not be aware of similar ideas and practices from the Jewish Kabbalistic tradition, although this is by no means an uncontroversial subject. And if the Jew in question is a woman, it is possible that the teachers of Tantric Buddhism are more open to her as a student than most teachers of Kabbala.

Dr. Bob -- I'm going to do some edits in the next week or so; I'll shoot you a copy then if you're still interested.

[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited August 03, 2011).]

While Jews may be liberals or conservative, socialist or capitalists, even agnostics, they cannot be adherents of another religion and still be Jews. Just as there are no Christian Muslims or Buddhist Wiccans, etc.

The issue of Jewish "atheists" is a bit more complex. Strictly speaking a Jew cannot deny G-d and be a Jew; however, some Rabbinic tradition holds that one born of a Jewish mother is never lost to Bene Israel (Children of Israel) however far they wander beyond the fence of Torah. If or when they do return, they are always welcome and do not need to convert back to the Jewish faith. Contrarily, a Gentile always needs to go through conversion, but they are prized: ""Dearer to God than all of the Israelites who stood at Mount Sinai is the convert. Had the Israelites not witnessed the lightning, thunder, and quaking mountain, and had they not heard the sounds of the shofar, they would not have accepted the Torah. But the convert, who did not see or hear any of these things, surrendered to G-d and accepted the yoke of heaven. Can anyone be dearer to G-d than such a person?"
--Tanhuma (ed. Buber),Lekh Lekha 6:32

Judaism, with its focus on Life and Law (right action) and not the Afterlife and Religion (right belief), is inherently adaptive to material and social change and Jews have often been at the forefront of these changes and advancements. However, one should not mistake the Jewish ability to adapt to (or promote) change as changeability to the central tenets of the Jewish faith. This would be a grievous error. It is the steadfastness to ancient Hebrew teachings and beliefs that has preserved the Jewish people through history--even when this constancy has led to persecutions, Inquisitions, pogroms, forced conversions, and expulsions. As it is said, "As much as Jews preserve the Sabbath, the Sabbath has preserved the Jews."

It is from this steadfastness (some say stubbornness or "stiff-necked"), that is relatively unique to the Jewish people among our fellow humanity, that has been of keen interest to writers as diverse as Mark Twain* to Frank Herbert**. It would be an unanswered question (even seem unnatural) for me to read of a future where there are JuBus but no mention of Jews who practice Judaism--either existing somewhere else or, sadly, finally succumbing to the grinding wheel of history either through extermination or assimilation.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

* Concerning the Jews Harper's magazine, 1899 (see Point 6 "To conclude" http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Concerning_the_Jews#Point_No._6.

**Chapterhouse: Dune, Frank Herbert, G.P. Puntnum Publishers, 1985.