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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Prologue to A Distant Eden - Newly Revised

Author Topic: Prologue to A Distant Eden - Newly Revised
Lloyd Tackitt
Member # 9714

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Roman and Sarah were happy. They had no way of knowing that in less than a month, Roman would be a cop-killer and they would be living day by day in pure survival mode.

This was a rare Thanksgiving with both of the kids and their spouses, all six of the grandkids and their nephew Adrian home for the feast. It was a typical North Texas winter day; cool, and a bit cloudy. Kids were constantly running in and out of the house, football was on television with the sound low. The remains of a huge turkey and way too much dressing and too many pies were still on the table. The adults were groaning from having, in spite of their best intentions, over-eaten. Few days could claim to be better.
Primarily interested in knowing if you would pick up a book about apocalypse survival in a bookstore, read these lines and then decide to buy the book. All other critiques styles are welcomed as well. Thank you.

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Member # 7977

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I'd pick up an apocalypse-in-progress book. I like how the first two sentences throw a shadow over everything that is to come. I recall a Stephen King book doing that to nice effect (the one where a little kid's imagination/monster inside him are causing cartoonish characters to kill everyone in town).

The sentence about the adults groaning is unnecessarily split. I tripped over it in my mental narration. Other than that, user micmcd Likes.

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Member # 9742

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Normally, I'd say the first three sentences jar the reader out of the story, but here they seem to work. I think a book like this would sell, especially with the great hook to begin with.
I think the scene that follows could use more showing now. Let the reader hear the thump of the kids feet and the slamming of the screen door for the fifteenth time. is the pov character a kid or an adult? if it's a kid, we all know that excited, cousins are hear, pie sugar rush running around feeling. If it is an adult, then we all know what it's like to have one bite to many of thanksgiving when you just want to lay on the floor like a bloated whale . . . It's a great scene just with more showing it would be richer and draw the reader in faster.

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