posted
The older Sisters had a dark sense of humor; there were games at the start of each Season in guessing which Trader would end up injured, killed, scared off, or simply driven into madness. Emma never understood the reasoning behind the games because when everything was said and done the older Sisters fought the hardest to protect their predicted losses. In all honesty there were many things Emma didn't understand but then she hadn't expected much in the way of explanations when on her first Season.
Now settled into her second year and Emma still felt confused by a great deal. It didn't help matters that the Great Woods were no less frightening to her in her second year as they had in her first.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Intriguing. You introduce a world, a MC, and a conflict for the MC well. I'd read on.
My nitpick is the capitalization of Sisters; Season; Trader; Great Woods. While the first made me imagine nuns, the second is inexplicable, and the third and fourth seem inappropriate. I would normally expect "season" and "trader" not to be capitalized and any great wood to have a name if capitalized.
Best of luck.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Posts: 1475 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Welcome janus2, don’t forget to go say “hi” to everyone using the “Next, Please Introduce Yourself” section.
As for your 13, you do need to give some clue as to who these Sisters are. I first thought you were talking about actual sisters, then nuns, then fantasy world (non-Christian) nuns, then possibly witches or druids or something? (Sisters of the Light? Aes Sedai?) Ultimately I spent almost all of the 13 trying to figure out who or what these Sisters were only to be frustrated. Most frustrated readers will not read farther.
I did like the “dark sense of humor”, it seems promising. It is followed up well with the sadistic betting on the severe misfortune of others. Okay so that matches the dark sense of humor, but then you say, “protect their predicted losses.” What losses?!? What are they protecting, and how? Then instead of letting us in on the joke, you tell us that your MC didn’t expect explanations. Your audience will expect explanations, but you seem to be telling us not to expect any. Not good. You could at least give us her speculation(s).
Also, when you said, “…when on her first Season” I first thought that it must have been a typo and you meant “in” her first season. Did you? Then I thought maybe you did mean “on” like “on her first hunt” but it is still a little jarring.
It does have an interesting flavor in the “double, double, toil and trouble” kind of way, good luck polishing it up.
BTW, take all advice with a grain of salt, and never take it personally. All of us here at Hatrack only spend our time replying to help each other get better. Best of luck to you in all of your writing endeavors, I look forward to seeing more of your work.
posted
Thank you for all the comments and suggestions. It is really helpful to hear honest advise and I will be taking it to heart. I can understand about the issues with capitalization and it does seem overdone now that I look at it. Great Woods and Sister I can see but what was I thinking with Trader?
And as for the losses I can see where that would cause confusion and I will be reworking that. As for the honest advise it's exactly what I want because I want to get better. I will also be sure to do the introduction properly so thank you for that reminder as well ^_^;
Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Well, Josephine said most of what I was going to say, so maybe I'll just summarize. Some confusion is alright, I don't mind a slow start or even some never answered questions. There needs to be some grounding, mystery is only good if a reader has something that does make sense from which to gage and dig for answers to the insensible.
Knowing what one or more elements are, explains and intrigues the unknown. For me, I'd be satisfied if I knew some descriptor to give me some relational links.
Posts: 336 | Registered: Jan 2011
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