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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Judgement

   
Author Topic: Judgement
Lionhunter
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Member # 8766

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Hello [Smile] After a big pause in writing, after two years I'm dabbling my feet in these waters again. So, to give myself a proper head start, I'm submitting these 13 lines from a WiP novel, sorta YA/Supernatural. Not sure yet. Does it generate interest?. After that much time not writing, I'm way too curious to see how much I've let go of myself [Smile]

"The tall, white building raised by corporate bankers as a big f**k you to the surrounding decrepit residential flats nearby was tall enough. Five days of this, and I was ready to give up. To let go, to let myself go. In the movies it's just a sudden splash. The pain couldn't last for long. Maybe, if I was lucky, I wouldn't feel a thing. I didn't want to feel anything. I knew that happiness was out of my reach. People forget things. Maybe in a week. Sometimes in a month. But this, this would stick with me for at least an year. If I had to choose to endure this, and nothingness, the release a sudden crash with the pavement after jumping from the 20th floor would give me was tempting. The road towards high school led me near this erect corporate d**k that dwarfed the brick we know as our government. For the last five"

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Grumpy old guy
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G'day, these are just my thoughts so feel free to ignore them.

Line 1: I'd delete 'tall,white' at the start and the 'to the surrounding decrepit residential flats nearby'.

Line 2: I'd change the beginning of the sentence to 'After five days, I was ready to give up: let go.

Line 3: I'd delete the 'I knew that...' sentence.

Line 5: I'd write it like this: to choose to endure this, or nothingness,

As I said, just my 2c worth.

Phil.

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Tank1982
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Thank you for sharing! Please, dabble more [Wink]

I don't think you need both "surrounding" and "nearby" when describing the residential flats, it seemed redundant.

Sentence two and three may work best as a comlpex sentence "After five days of this, I was ready to give up, to let go... to let myself go." It would help with the flow, me thinks, as I kept pausing there to understand it first.

I was also unsure about line 5: I kept interchanging with "endure this, and nothingness" and "endure this, or nothingness,"

I'd turn the page, I'm interested in figuring out who the narrator is and also his age. He seems like a bright fellow, so I'm wondering what would push her or him to commit suicide.

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