posted
Time to get working on getting the kinks out of this one.
Original Version:
quote:Sixteen-year-old Astrid keeps mostly to herself, amusing herself with the stories her grandmother used to tell. She's too shy even to talk in front of the young man she secretly dreams of, Torolf. Then the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink from the Mead of Poetry. Suddenly, she's compelled to tell her stories. In public. Even in front of Torolf.
This has the unexpected benefit of allowing her to actually talk to Torolf--and find out that he's interested in her, too. Things are looking up, until her father consults the seeress, who proclaims that Astrid's gift for knowing the exactly right story to comfort, inspire, instruct, or warn is the key to leading her people from starvation in Greenland to a new future.
Astrid must sail to the part of the map labelled "Here be dragons", while Torolf makes a hazardous voyage in the opposite direction, to Iceland, to supply the fledgling colony. Without his support, she has to learn to trust herself and her stories to keep her people from repeating past mistakes and hold off a take-over attempt that could doom their only chance.
Ultimately, the new settlement will need both her stories and Torolf's inventiveness. Astrid has to believe that Torolf will overcome all obstacles to find his way back to her.
THE BARD'S GIFT is an 80,000-word young adult alternate history. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants].
Thank you for your time.
First Revision:
quote:Sixteen-year-old Astrid keeps mostly to herself, amusing herself with the stories her grandmother used to tell. She's too shy even to talk in front of the young man she secretly dreams of, Torolf. Then the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink from the Mead of Poetry. Suddenly, she's compelled to tell her stories. In public. Even in front of Torolf.
This leads her to actually talk to Torolf--and find out that he likes her, too. They've barely enjoyed their first kiss when the seeress makes a prophecy that will split them apart. The seeress proclaims that Astrid's gift for knowing the exactly right story to comfort, inspire, instruct, or warn is the key to a new future for their people. According to the seeress, Astrid must sail with the people to the part of the map labelled "Here be dragons", while Torolf undertakes a hazardous voyage in the opposite direction, to Iceland, to supply the fledgling colony.
At the same time, Helga and her husband and sons want to control Astrid's abilities and status for their own purposes. First, they need to get Torolf out of the way, so they arrange for him to be stranded in Iceland.
It will take both of them to thwart Helga's plot. Torolf strains his inventiveness to its limits to get back. And Astrid has to learn to trust herself and her stories to keep her people from repeating past mistakes and hold off Helga's attempted coup, which could doom their only chance.
THE BARD'S GIFT is an 80,000-word young adult alternate history. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants].
Thank you for your time.
Thanks, again. Second Revision"
quote:Sixteen-year-old Astrid keeps mostly to herself, amusing herself with the stories her grandmother used to tell. She's too shy even to talk in front of the young man she secretly dreams of, Torolf. Then the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink from the Mead of Poetry. Suddenly, she's compelled to tell her stories. In public. Even in front of Torolf.
This leads her to actually talk to Torolf--and find out that he likes her, too. They've barely enjoyed their first kiss when the seeress makes a prophecy that will split them apart. The seeress proclaims that Astrid's gift for knowing the exactly right story to comfort, inspire, instruct, or warn is the key to a new future for their people. According to the seeress, Astrid must sail with the people to the part of the map labelled "Here be dragons", while Torolf undertakes a hazardous voyage in the opposite direction, to Iceland, to supply the fledgling colony.
What they don't know is that ambitious Helga has a plan to control Astrid's abilities and status to take power for her own family. First, they need to get Torolf out of the way, so they arrange for him to be stranded in Iceland.
It will take both of them to thwart Helga's plot. Torolf strains his inventiveness to its limits to get back. And Astrid has to learn to trust herself and her stories to keep her people from repeating past mistakes and hold off Helga's attempted coup which could doom their only chance
Shorter Version: (Luck of the Irish Pitch Fest on WriteOnCon only allows 200 words.)
quote:Sixteen-year-old Astrid keeps mostly to herself, amusing herself with the stories her grandmother used to tell. She's too shy even to talk in front of the young man she secretly dreams of, Torolf. Then the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink from the Mead of Poetry. Suddenly, she's compelled to tell her stories. In public. Even in front of Torolf.
This leads her to actually talk to Torolf--and find out that he likes her, too. They've barely enjoyed their first kiss when the seeress makes a prophecy that will split them apart. The prophecy sends Astrid to build a new future for her people in the part of the map labelled "Here be dragons", while Torolf undertakes a hazardous voyage in the opposite direction to supply the fledgling colony.
But an ambitious rival plots to control Astrid's abilities and status to take power. The only weapon Astrid has to thwart this attempted coup is the ability to know the exactly right story to comfort, inspire, instruct, or warn. Failure will mean disaster for all of them.
THE BARD'S GIFT is an 85,000-word young adult alternate history set in late fourteenth century Greenland--and beyond.
Current Version: For a pitch contest that only allows about 200 words.
quote:Sixteen-year-old Astrid keeps mostly to herself, amusing herself with the stories her grandmother used to tell. She's too shy even to talk in front of the young man she secretly dreams of, Torolf. Then the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink the Mead of Poetry. Suddenly, she's compelled to tell her stories. In public. Even in front of Torolf.
This leads her to actually talk to Torolf--and find out that he likes her, too. They've barely enjoyed their first kiss when the seeress makes a prophecy that splits them apart. The gods have chosen Astrid to bring her people to a new future in the part of the map labelled "Here be dragons". Meanwhile, Torolf undertakes a hazardous voyage in the opposite direction to supply the fledgling colony.
But an ambitious rival plots to control Astrid's abilities and status to take power. The only weapon Astrid has to thwart this attempted coup is the ability to know the exactly right story to comfort, inspire, instruct, or warn. Failure will mean disaster for all of them.
THE BARD'S GIFT is an 84,000-word young adult alternate history set in late fourteenth century Greenland--and beyond.
One-sentence pitch: For another pitch contest (35 word limit). I really need help with this one.
quote:Shy Astrid's gift for telling the right story is the key a new future for her people where the map reads "Here be dragons"--for good reason.
posted
Okay, I don't know anything about querying, but that book sounds absolutely amazing. I'm sold already. May I go ahead and reserve a copy? :)
Posts: 206 | Registered: Jun 2012
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quote:Originally posted by mayflower988: Okay, I don't know anything about querying, but that book sounds absolutely amazing. I'm sold already. May I go ahead and reserve a copy?
quote:Originally posted by mayflower988: Thunderbird...wait, isn't that a car?
Used to be. But this one is more like what the car was named for--a very large, eagle-like bird that controls thunder and lightning. Posts: 3433 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Native American symbol--the Navajo Code Talkers used it to refer to bombers, if I remember correctly. Really boggled the minds of the Germans who were trying to break their code.
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posted
A Commanche group were European theater code talkers. Prior to World War II, German agents had already learned parts of the Navajo language.
I owned a Thunderbird turbo coupe for a decade. It had a little four-banger motor. Not much thunder in her. Mechanics called her a thunder chicken. She did all right by me before I retired her to a salvage yard.
The Thunderbird of North American Native Nation mythology is a sky spirit who causes thunder and strong winds. The myths are part of Algic, Siouan, Inuit, Yupik, and several other Pacific Northwest culture groups.
Posts: 2252 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
I like the first two paragraphs. The third starts to lose me. I want to know more about Astrid's motives and desires. Does she sail off because she's forced, or is she determined to save her people? What does she have to do there? I didn't like the fourth paragraph at all, but I think the sentence:
She has to learn to trust herself and her stories to keep her people from repeating past mistakes and hold off a take-over attempt that could doom their only chance.
is an excellent ending.
Posts: 13 | Registered: May 2012
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posted
Sixteen-year-old Astrid keeps mostly to herself, amusing herself with the stories her grandmother used to tell. She's too shy even to talk in front of the young man she secretly dreams of, Torolf. Then the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink from the Mead of Poetry. Suddenly, she's compelled to tell her stories. In public. Even in front of Torolf.
Gold. Don't change anything before this. This has the unexpected benefit of allowing her to actually talk to Torolf--and find out that he's interested in her, too. I don't love this, too many words for the amount of info, imo, but I don't hate it.Things are looking up, until her father consults the seeress, who proclaims that Astrid's gift for knowing the exactly right story to comfort, inspire, instruct, or warn is the key to leading her people from starvation in Greenland to a new future. WAY too much info in one sentence. I'd say add a period in here. Split that baby up.
Astrid must sail to the part of the map labelled "Here be dragons", This might be a good place to show a bit of Torolf's motivation for travelling. while Torolf makes a hazardous voyage in the opposite direction, to Iceland, to supply the fledgling colony. Without his support, she has to learn to trust herself and her stories to keep her people from repeating past mistakes and hold off a take-over attempt that could doom their only chance. Could you say this stronger? Nothing wrong with the first half of the sentence, my main issue is "hold off a take-over attempt." There has to be a clearer way to say that.(look up Coup_d'état)
Ultimately, the new settlement will need both her stories and Torolf's inventiveness. Astrid has to believe that Torolf will overcome all obstacles to find his way back to her. This, I think, is giving too much information. I'd suggest adding a bit of a hook here. Also, saying "Astrid has to believe Torolf will solve all her problems for her," really weakens the whole trust in herself theme that I dig so much.
THE BARD'S GIFT is an 80,000-word young adult alternate history. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants].
Thank you for your time.
Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2008
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quote:Then the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink from the Mead of Poetry. Suddenly, she's compelled to tell her stories.
This line felt a little dry to me, like a simple plot item list. "When the Norse god of eloquence appears in Astrid's dreams and forces her to drink from the Mead of Poetry, her life turns around and she is compelled...," or "Only a god could get her up in front of people talking. Unfortunately for her, one does..."
I'm not a huge fan of either of my versions... just wanted it to get more exciting in the way it's laid out.
posted
Much better. The only thing that threw me from the revision was this line, "At the same time, Helga and her husband and sons want to control Astrid's abilities and status for their own purposes."
I had no idea who Helga is or who she is in regards to Astrid, so the casual mention felt jarring to me. I'd suggest mentioning how she relates to Astrid, like "Astrid's sneaky neighbor", or "councilwoman Helga", just a brief introduction of who Helga is, and how she has the power to thwart Astrid.
Also "Helga and her husband and sons" feels a bit clunky to me. I'd suggest either losing the mention of the hubs and sons, or say Helga and her family, or clan.
But good work. It sounds great. ~Sheena
Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2008
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I just added an adjective in front of Helga's name. I can't think of a brief way to describe her connection to Astrid--wife of Astrid's father's cousin (and heir, after Astrid). Helga is also--to a very limited extent--Astrid's substitute mother. Very limited, as in very, very little affection either way, but Helga has taken over as the woman of the house (a situation that is about to lead to conflict now that Astrid's growing up.) Open to suggestions on that one.
Posts: 3433 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Mead is a drink, so shouldn't it be "forces her to drink OF the Mead of Poetry"? Unless "Mead" in this instance is actually a glass, which I won't discount. If so, maybe it would be better to use "Chalice" or "Goblet", something more easily recognized as a vessel for liquid.
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posted
Current, slightly shorter, query above, along with a one-sentence pitch. I'm really bad at one-sentence pitches.
Posts: 3433 | Registered: Dec 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Meredith: [QUOTE]Shy Astrid's gift for telling the right story is the key a new future for her people where the map reads "Here be dragons"--for good reason.
Hi Meredith,
The one sentence pitch starts good but gets bogged down in too much detail. Maybe simply stating something like ....when they're forced to move to the land of dragons. would be smoother?
Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2013
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posted
She's too shy even to talk in front of the young man she secretly dreams of, Torolf." Hi, Meredith. My two cents on your 'current version': 1. People are usually extra shy around their secret crush, so I would reword sentence two to something like: She is particularly shy around Torolf, the young man she secretly dreams of. 2. I might reword your one sentence as: Shy Astrid's story-telling gift is the key to establishing a new home for her people in the land of dragons. 3. I would be happy to read more. Email me your first chapter at christianbehr2@gmail.com
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