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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Two Struggles--ready

   
Author Topic: Two Struggles--ready
LDWriter2
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I've posted these lines before, this time it's because I need someone to go over it to look for nitpicks and bad commas. As far as I am concerned the revising is pretty much done. I'm sure the writing isn't perfect but I've gone over it enough times.
For those who weren't here last time I posted these or have forgotten "Two Struggles" is a Urban Fantasy with a young female MC. She struggles with her own insecurities and emotional baggage as well as the big bad guy. It's 85,000 to 86,000 words long.

I said pretty much done because I will still probably change a couple of sentences here and there as I look over it for other things...won't be able to help myself.

I will trade and go over your novel at the same time.

First 13 lines:

I turned and glared at the young guy who wanted to sit at my booth. I came here tonight to help someone escape from her brother not hook up with anyone. I resisted the impulse to run my hand over my short, purple and white hair. It would ruin my intense stare.
My name is Nadir, NA-one word-to those who know me from my rave days. I’m mostly out of the clubs now. Instead I help people who need my special aid with things that go bump in the night and those who control those things.
On a second thought though I decided not to blast him, or freeze him. I couldn’t catch him on fire, the flames could spread to other tables...No, I wouldn't do any of those things. Even with his party clothes and short too blond hair he wasn't that bad, I assume, he thinks I want company.

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arriki
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One thing that bothers me is using "those" twice in a single sentence. I think you mean it for effect, but it isn't working -- for me.

I do not "get" the "NA-one word-to those who know me" at all. Is NA the "one word" you are referring to as a name?

A comma after instead. And one after "On second thought." Drop the "a." Probably stronger without the "though" in that sentence. Maybe "would" instead of "could" about spreading to other tables.

Make the "I couldn't catch him on fire" a separate sentence. Just separating them with a comma isn't working or even (my opinion) necessary. And, I think you DO need something between "her brother" and "not hook."

Would it help if that initial sentence were in a separate paragraph?

I do not understand the connection between running her hand through her hair and ruining her stare.

arriki

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LDWriter2
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Thanks,

Should have seen a couple of those myself but that's why I need someone to go over it.

Yes NA is the one word, one or two readers were not sure I meant it as one word so I put that in. I've seen other writers do something similar.

As to the connection of her stare and running her hand through her hair. Usually when someone runs a hand through their hair in a situation like that they are nervous or unsure. Being thought of as being either of those would distract from and maybe undo what she wanted from the stare.

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arriki
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Rather than dashes to set off the "one word" explanation, might you not set "one word" off in parentheses? Or, just drop the explanation altogether? As is, I found it very confusing, especially here in the opening.
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LDWriter2
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Forgot to post this last time I was here,

Yes, I think I could something like using parentheses without changing the purpose of the line. I tried to do that with the dashes but maybe a different way would be better.

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LDWriter2
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As to placing the first sentence in it's own paragraph-I think that is what you mean-I can see it both ways. I'm not sure which one I think would be better,


Anyone else what to comment on that?

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