Latest draft of my YA Fantasy Mystery-ish story. 40464 words, 131 pages. First of three books, working title of the series is Destiny Star with the first book titled Awakening. Just seeing how this flows. I am willing to show the plot line and explain the book, as I am currently redrafting the next few chapters..
-- Orion sat with his back against the driest corner of the cell. The shadows dancing about as people walked pass the barred opening in the ceiling. The newest conscripts to the cell, the light was an illusion until it rained a horrible stench that would burn their eyes from the caring folk above. It was filthy elsewhere and only a small trickle of water from the southern wall gave relief to the mucked fools before it disappeared beneath the rocks at their feet. Orion did not bother with any of them. From the moment he had been thrown in the musty dank cell with the dozen other prisoners, he had made sure that they respected him and understood that he had more power than the rest of them combined. His illusions worked, giving him the spot that he currently resided, the first
This was fairly confusing to read. As stated, 'dancing' should be 'danced'. Is 'the light' the newest conscripts to the cell? And how does light rain a stench?
The first sentence states that Orion is at the driest corner of the cell, but then a couple of sentences down we see there's only a small trickle of water from the southern wall. So why is the rest of the cell not dry?
There's also a redundancy with 'fool'. And he washed from a drink?
Posts: 362 | Registered: Nov 2011
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As mentioned by others, the mechanics of the first thirteen need work. I like the character you've introduced me to, though. Orion is interesting and slightly menacing. I wonder why he's been thrown into the slammer, and that's a good thing. By the way, welcome to the treehouse.
Posts: 92 | Registered: May 2011
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