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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Xperience first 13

   
Author Topic: Xperience first 13
zwicker
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Peter hated getting unplugged. The feeling of the cold metal chair on his skin as he came to and the bright lights in his face made him nauseous. His lunch break was over. He pulled himself together, fighting off a headache, and went back to his desk. He was, like every other detective in the department, the epitome of a desk jockey. Nothing truly bad ever happened in Minneapolis anymore, not since people began plugging in. Peter dialed the security code on his desk and the top drawer opened with a soft click. Inside were his badge and gun, useless chunks of metal as far as he was concerned. There was no need to use the gun. The population had been forced to handover all firearms after the riot last month. The badge was even more useless than the gun after the way the riot ended.

This is based on an interesting idea I got from a coworker while writing a different story and now I have the "bug" again. I cant stop writing it. Let me know what you think and if you are interested I can email you what I have so far. My intention is for it to be a novel, probably not part of a series but who knows.

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Denevius
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Well, it sounds like that Bruce Willis movie, "Surrogates". It's the first thought that popped into my head. And it seems like there's a bit of contradiction in the opening, as 'nothing truly bad ever happened in Minneapolis anymore', yet 'The population had been forced to handover all firearms after the riot last month'. A riot seems like something bad happening.

But anyway, how much have you written? I'm looking to swap the prologue and first chapter of a novel I'm writing, about 6000 words. If you have a similar amount, I'm game.

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zwicker
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I have about 3k so far but I just started writing on Friday. Give me a few more days and I can have more for you.
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Denevius
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Yep, no problem.
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SASpencer
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Peter hated getting unplugged.

I liked the first sentence.

The feeling of the cold metal chair on his skin as he came to and the bright lights in his face made him nauseous.

I don't think you need "The feeling of the" it waters down the impact.

His lunch break was over. He pulled himself together, fighting off a headache, and went back to his desk.

Unless a lunch break is pertinent later, if you are trying to show his daily activities this may be too hum drum at this point in the story.

He was, like every other detective in the department, the epitome of a desk jockey. Nothing truly bad ever happened in Minneapolis anymore, not since people began plugging in. Peter dialed the security code on his desk and the top drawer opened with a soft click. Inside were his badge and gun, useless chunks of metal as far as he was concerned. There was no need to use the gun. The population had been forced to handover all firearms after the riot last month. The badge was even more useless than the gun after the way the riot ended.

If this was written in first person and the character didn't think the riot was much happening would make more sense, or if you made it clearer that things used to be popping and they came to a complete stop after the riot and since then he's been bored.

Sounds interesting, I would have kept reading.

Sandy

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zwicker
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Thanks Sandy. After I reread that portion a few more time I got the same feeling about the riot and I am going to reword it. Something along the lines "Crimes, in the conventional sense, were a thing of the past ever since people started plugging in."
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SASpencer
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Sounds good.
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Christian Behr
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zwicker, I'm curious to find out what "plugging in" means, how the population was forced to give over their arms (sounds practically impossible), why there was a riot, etc.

I am also game for swapping chapters. My email is christianbehr2@gmail.com

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arriki
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Yes, there is something not quite right about your wording. I realize you are trying to stuff a lot of details in rather than story itself. Telling as opposed to showing. Telling CAN work, but I feel you haven't got it right here. The first four sentences are okay, but the rest, the information part, does not engage me as well. Does that make any sense to you?
I think it's awkward. What would I suggest? Maybe open more of an active scene. Show rather than tell. How trite, but it often times too true.

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