posted
I have written 9 chapters of this novel and an outline. Anyone care to comment on the first 13 lines? Thanks in advance!
The vivid memories of those moments after the game haunted him with no relief. Justin wished it was possible to forget all that had transpired, but his resentment crippled his capacity to move on.
Even before his second drink, he vented his frustrations to the bartender, “I tell you Anna, everything is really screwed up now. All my unique abilities have been exposed and laid to waste before the world. Those damn lawyers! Maybe if I were smarter or more cautious, I could have avoided such a mess, but all I can do now is brood over the past.”
Anna finished making another Black Martini and pushed it towards him, then said without pity, “Now that we know what you’ve really been doing all these years, don’t we all want to be like that?”
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posted
Hi, Charles. I'll start by letting you know that I'm an amateur writer, never been published, never even finished a book (although I'm working on that), so take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Thanks for the opportunity to critique your first 13 lines. I've learned that the act of critiquing helps improve my writing, so thanks for your help.
quote:Originally posted by Charles: The vivid memories of those moments after the game haunted him with no relief.
I must admit, I'm a little confused by this sentence's structure. Was Justin haunted by moments that happened during the game or just after it? Do you mean "Justin was haunted by his memories of the moments that occurred after the game," or "the moments that occurred during the game haunted Justin after the game was over"? I think the prepositional phrase "after the game" is what's tripping me up. I might have understood the sentence better if the phrase came at a different point in the sentence or was eliminated altogether. It also might have helped if the verb "haunted" came after the noun it modified, whether that would be "memories" or "moments".
quote:Originally posted by Charles: Justin wished it was possible to forget all that had transpired, but his resentment crippled his capacity to move on.
The second part of this sentence, "but his resentment crippled his capacity to move on," sounds like something an observer would say rather than what someone would say about himself. It's very formal. The whole sentence sounds like you're summing up things that have happened, when I as a reader need to know what happened and what Justin is thinking and feeling in order to care about him and connect with him.
quote:Originally posted by Charles: Even before his second drink, he vented his frustrations to the bartender, “I tell you Anna, everything is really screwed up now. All my unique abilities have been exposed and laid to waste before the world. Those damn lawyers! Maybe if I were smarter or more cautious, I could have avoided such a mess, but all I can do now is brood over the past.”
Likewise, this part sounds very narrator-ish, specifically "all my unique abilities," "maybe if I were smarter or more cautious," and "all I can do now is brood over the past."
quote:Originally posted by Charles: Anna finished making another Black Martini and pushed it towards him, then said without pity, “Now that we know what you’ve really been doing all these years, don’t we all want to be like that?”
Hmm. I know she said that without pity, but to be honest, it doesn't sound very cold to me. In my limited experience, a character who is speaking without pity would keep her comments shorter, as though speaking to the other person is not worth the time it would take her to say more. Also, I think it would help if I knew what exactly they're talking about. Let us know what happened during/after the game, what unique abilities Justin has, what happened that he could have prevented if he were smarter or more cautious, etc. To be honest, I think it would be best to give the reader more information in the first thirteen. It's good to hook the readers, and a little mystery can do that, but everything in moderation. I think your first sentence about haunting memories could be a good hook, but you need to be honest with your readers from the get-go. I don't mean that you have to tell them everything, but if you're telling the story from Justin's point of view, then at the beginning, you should tell them what Justin knows at the beginning. He knows what he did during and after the game, and he knows how the memories are haunting him. Tell us that. Let us connect with Justin by feeling sorry for him or hating him or admiring him - something. Readers should feel a connection with your MC right from the beginning. (I think there was a thread on this topic called "Withholding Information" over at the "Open Discussions about Writing" forum.) Well, like I said, I haven't been writing for very long, about a year or two, but that's just what I've learned in this short time. I hope that was helpful to you.
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posted
My feeling is that you've got some good ideas here, but they are scattered. The flow from bit to bit is jerky. That entire first paragraph isn't working for me. The information in it might be better filtered in a ways down.
You could start more like this -- just an idea.
Anna, the bartender, finished making another Black Martini and pushed it toward Justin.
“I tell you, Anna,” Justin said, “everything is really screwed up now. Those damn lawyers!” He paused to take a sip of the martini. “All my abilities have been exposed and laid to waste before the world. Maybe if I had been smarter or more cautious, I could have avoided such a mess.” He drained the martini and waited for another. “All I can do now is brood over the past.
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posted
Thanks for the helpful comments. I will respond in more detail tomorrow. One of the problems is only 13 lines. Here are a few more lines that make up the beginning.
NOTE FROM KATHLEEN:
The limit is 13 lines. If you rewrite your 13 lines to include more information, you can post that rewritten 13 lines, but you may not post more than 13 lines of one short story or of each chapter in a novel.
posted
This is a strong voice opening. The character voice takes front stage right from the opening line. The emotional attitude of the opening lines, and Justin, comes through loud and clear.
"The vivid memories of those moments after the game haunted him with no relief. Justin wished it was possible to forget all that had transpired, but his resentment crippled his capacity to move on." Right into Justin's voice, his thoughts, though in third-person limited omniscient narrative voice.
Main features that don't work for me, however, are the vague details. What kind of game? for example. "Those moments after the game," "everything is really screwed up," "all that had transpired," "All my unique abilities," "such a mess," "Now that we know what you’ve really been doing all these years, don’t we all want to be like that?"
What's going on? The writer, the narrator, Justin, and Anna all know. Why keep readers in the dark? The story is in Justin's voice; does he not know what happened to him?
This from the later added part "Justin sat in silence, eyes closed. I can’t see how to get my life back. It’s over. I no longer have the armor of my secrets." changes viewpoints from third person to first person. A viewpoint glitch. I think a thought tag might be called for. //I can't see how to get my life back,// Justin thought. Him sitting in silence, eyes closed, doesn't quite signal the shift in viewpoint or set up the shift in narrative voice.
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posted
To mayflower988: Since I am new to this forum, I am not sure that my replies are done properly. I will post replies to each of those who have provided comments. 1. Justin is haunted by his memories of the events that occurred immediately after the game was over. I am now thinking about how to make it more clear... 2. The first paragraph is third person, so indeed it is a statement from an observer describing Justin's situation. The next paragraph begins the process of letting the reader know how Justin feels about it from his own perspective. "extrinsic" commented about the viewpoint in the beginning of Justin's Dilemma. I would like to defer my explanation about changing viewpoints until I respond to extrinsic's comments. 3. I agree with you that Justin's dialog is too narrator-ish and formal. I will work on it. I have to remember that this is not poetry where the most appropriate word can be precise, explicit, powerful, effective, and obscure. I need to remember that people don't talk poetically. Well, at least most people. :-) 4. Without pity - Yeah, I see that. I was hoping that the next quote from Anna that I provided (sorry not part of the 13 lines) would illustrate her lack of pity. Maybe I need to make sure the first part is less compassionate. 5. 13 lines - As I write this I wonder what is it about 13 lines? If we take the first 13 lines of Ender's game what do we have? --- “I’ve watched through his eyes, I’ve listened through his ears, and I tell you he’s the one. Or at least as close as we’re going to get.” “That’s what you said about the brother.” “The brother tested out impossible. For other reasons. Nothing to do with his ability.” “Same with the sister. And there are doubts about him. He’s too malleable. Too willing to submerge himself in someone else’s will.” “Not if the other person is his enemy.” “So what do we do? Surround him with enemies all the time?” “If we have to.” “I thought you said you liked this kid.”
--- In the first 13 lines we don't have any answers. All we have is questions. Who is talking? Who are they talking about? Why are they monitoring him? Who are the buggers? What happened with this kid's brother and sister? I am certainly not criticizing OSC's beginning - to me it is masterful. My point is that in 13 lines, we cannot answer all the questions. That's the purpose of the rest of the book, or at a minimum, the rest of the first chapter.
Nevertheless, I will check out the "Witholding Information" thread. Thanks mayflower988!
posted
To extrinsic: 1. Regarding vague details. Somehow I need to find the right balance between details and creating suspense. In 13 lines it is of course impossible to tell all the details. My intent was to write a beginning that makes the reader want to find out more. Introduce the main character in a way that the reader will wonder what is going on with this person.
I am compelled to again refer to the beginning of Ender's Game - maybe even the first 80 lines. There are a tremendous amount of questions raised but not answered. I am not saying that I am doing it right though. Maybe too many questions created, maybe Justin should speak more freely about what he knows. On the other hand, the rest of the first chapter in Justin's Dilemma goes into these questions and answers them except for the key items that are part of the suspense that creates tension during the rest of the story.
From the "Withholding Information" thread, tesknota quotes (or paraphrases) OSC,
quote: Withholding information is only okay if the character also doesn't know the information - that's building suspense. If the character knows what's going on, and the author withholds this information from the reader on purpose, that's building false suspense and should be avoided like the plague.
This is something I need to work on.
2. Regarding viewpoint. I believe Enders’ Game is a masterpiece of viewpoint.
In the first 50 lines the story starts with dialog (we don't know who is talking), then moves to third person (monitor lady), then third person thoughts (Ender's), and then first person thoughts (Ender's), then back to third person thoughts (Ender's), then back to dialog (the doctor and the nurse).
The transitions are subtle yet clear enough that it does not feel like an interruption. For me, the most powerful thing about OSC's writing is his ability to get us into the main character's thoughts. He does it from either a third or first person perspective.
I am not pointing this out to justify what I have done, rather to point out an aspect of OSC's writing that I desire to apply to my writing - with more success than I have done so far.
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quote:Originally posted by Charles: The vivid memories of those moments after the game haunted him with no relief. Justin wished it was possible to forget all that had transpired, but his resentment crippled his capacity to move on.
Even before his second drink, he vented his frustrations to the bartender, “I tell you Anna, everything is really screwed up now. All my unique abilities have been exposed and laid to waste before the world. Those damn lawyers! Maybe if I were smarter or more cautious, I could have avoided such a mess, but all I can do now is brood over the past.”
Anna finished making another Black Martini and pushed it towards him, then said without pity, “Now that we know what you’ve really been doing all these years, don’t we all want to be like that?”
My two shekels for what they are worth.
I do not see any comparison between the above with the first 13 line of OSC's Ender's Game. There is comparatively little withheld, in my humble opinion.
The other things you may note regarding OSC's 1st 13 in Ender's Game are their brevity, clarity, conciseness of pertinent information, their cadence, and the hook. Quite brilliant.
Without naming them, OSC deftly characterizes the three Wiggins siblings, the conflicts to come for Ender (both internal and external), and hooks with conveying the urgency in "saving the world."
I suggest you consider doing similarly. 1) Eliminate clutter, streamlining word and sentence flow. 2) Provide pertinent information, and exclude extraneous information. 3) Hook the reader; make us care to read on.
--Is the "game" important? The what type of game was it? --What was "revealed" about him at the end of the game? (This does not have to be detailed, but you need to hook us) --Why is he "resentful" (and does he resent what happened in his past or that it has been revealed)? --How does any of the above foreshadow the story to come (entice the reader)?
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
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posted
Dr. Bob Thanks for the feedback, I need to spend some time digesting it and then also spending some time reworking the beginning because your input has been helpful! Charles
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posted
To all those kind enough to comment and offer suggestions here, I have rewritten the beginning.
His vivid memory of the fans fighting after the Red Sox game continued to haunt Justin with no relief. During the investigation, he chose to help make sure the truth came out; in court however, the lawyers stopped caring about the fight. Once they realized Justin could be their ticket to fame, they turned it into a media circus that ruthlessly exposed all his secrets and ruined his life.
Even before his second drink, Justin vented his frustrations to the bartender, “Anna, I really don’t know what to do. Being an umpire was perfect for me; but now without that, I feel useless. They took my soul away. Damn lawyers!”
Anna finished making another Black Martini and pushed it towards him, then said without pity, “Now that we know you have this
posted
I giving you my crit without reading any of the others so my thoughts won't be influenced by theirs. If I repeat things others have said, that's why.
"The vivid memories of those moments after the game haunted him with no relief."
"haunted him with no relief" is an unclear wording for that. I had to reread it a couple times to figure out what you meant, and I'm still not sure, but I think you mean it would not stop haunting him.
"...but his resentment crippled his capacity to move on."
Personal preference of mine, I never like neat little pop psychology summaries of characters like this. It just feels too conveniently simple and therefore not a lot like real life to me. Instead of giving this to me in a neat, easily digestible package, I think this would be a good thing to "show, don't tell."
For me. the biggest hook here as that this guy apparently has some kind of powers, and I want to know what they are. As a reader, I would hope to start getting some answers pretty soon, especially since all of the characters involved know about his powers and the game and the events that transpired after it. I want in on the secret pretty soon.
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