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Author Topic: Jeton, Chapter 1 (The Varalon)
ThemeWeaver
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Hello all,

This is the beginning of Chapter 1 of my novel tentatively called "Jeton" This title WILL change. Any and all insight is welcomed.

The thunder of ten thousand hooves reverberated in Jeton's ears. The fearsome battle cries of the soldiers of Rhann drew nearer with each beat of his nearly bursting heart. As he ran through the thick underbrush, the hooked thorns of the racus bushes reached out and clawed his body. A low hanging branch gouged his scalp and blood mingled with sweat stung his eyes. Vaulting a tree that lay across his path, his heel struck a branch and he scrambled to keep his footing. He thanked the moon for hiding her face and aiding his escape, and cursed the noses of the dogs that would soon track him. There! A ravine. Perhaps, if his fortune would change, he might find a stream below to mask his trail. As he leapt over the edge, the earth slid beneath him stealing his balance. Bounding and sliding he tumbled into the darkness.

I have written and re-written, and, re-re-written 5 chapters and it is currently about 16,000 words. There is a short prolog that immediately precedes this paragraph which sets the tone and character of Jeton. With the 13 line limit I can't put it all here. You should know that Jeton is an anti-hero. We meet him when his choices have lead him down too many dangerous roads. By the way, the exercise of re-writing this first paragraph to fit in 13 lines has already improved it. I trimmed a LOT of fat. (42 words!)

Thanks.

[ June 28, 2014, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: ThemeWeaver ]

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Denevius
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The first thing I thought was that the opening was a bit too verbose, and then I saw where you said you already trimmed 42 words. What I can't tell, though, is if in trimming, you combined paragraphs, making this opening seem more dense than it would have been had you left it alone.

Or if this is just a dense opening.

The first line took me immediately out of the story. 10,000 hooves is just too exact, and the first thing I wondered is, "How does he know that? Or is he guessing? Or is he giving an extreme number to exaggerate the fact that there's a lot of people after him?"

The second paragraph confused me with the pronoun 'his'. At first I thought it referred to soldiers, and then I re-calibrated to see it replied to Jeton. But still, another instance in which I'm pushed away from the prose as I try to figure out what's being said in the writing.

The third line is descriptive in an attempt to, I guess, create a setting for the character. But I don't know where he's running, and what's 'racus'? Sure, I can look the word up, but since the first two lines have already distanced me from the story, having to now google 'racus' is a bit of a pain for a narrative that I'm not in the least bit engaged in yet.

And the thing is you have him running, but you haven't shown us what he wants in this opening. Someone is after him, and I would have preferred to see why in the opening instead of the descriptions of him running.

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Denevius
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Ah, also, if you're looking for a reader, I'm willing to swap openings with you. You said 16,000 words?
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ThemeWeaver
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13 lines does not a complete story make. It is extremely difficult to cram all the facts that every reader wants to know about the character in so few words. Having tried to do so, yes, it is necessarily dense.

10,000 hooves = 2500 horses and Jeton would know how many men are in an army division. There is an actual army chasing this one man. Why? There's the reason to keep reading. I hope.:-)

Racus bushes are fictional. I made them up so that there would be something with thorns to tear at his flesh. Also, later in the same chapter we find him eating the berries therof in order to survive. Google wont help you, but I explain it in one of the paragraphs that follow this one.

In addition, I am trying to emphasize the fact that he is being torn up at every turn. What is happening to him is a direct result of a well deserved curse placed on him by a high priest of an evil religion. In fact, this sequence is just a reliving of the event in a dream that Jeton is having. The priest is using his powers to opress Jeton even in his sleep. As a dream, I thought it should seem a LITTLE disorienting. Perhaps I was heavy handed.

The "his" pronoun confusion is a result of extensive restructuring of the sentence. Yes, it is awkward. I am too close to the story to notice that. I will try that again.

As for what Jeton wants, he already stole what he thinks he wants, but for now he wants to stay alive long enought to prosper from it. I refrain from divulging what he stole and why until he wakes up and looks at the object, then contemplates whether it was really worth it.

The worst problem I have with this story, besides the extreme character list, is it's multi-threaded nature. I have seven simultaneous story lines that will intertwine and merge in a final epic battle. I have been using the *** device to separate threads in a chapter. I am well into this and I still can't make each thread a chapter because I sometimes show the same event from 2 characters perspectives. It takes some explanation to keep the reader on track. I would like to eliminate that, but the internal dialogue from both characters is necessary to fully develop the scene. I am trying very hard to avoid the "meanwhile, back at the ranch" style of explanation.

I hope that it is understood that I am trying to EXPLAIN my choices in the greater context of the story, rather than DEFEND them as the best choices. I am grateful for your observations and suggestions. Thank you.

Just saw next post. Yes, 16,010 according to my word processor in 5 chapters.

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Denevius
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No problem. If you want to swap, just email me your opening.
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JSchuler
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This has tripped my suspension of disbelief, which tells me you're throwing too much at me without context.
quote:
The thunder of ten thousand hooves reverberated in Jeton's ears. The fearsome battle cries of the soldiers of Rhann drew nearer with each beat of his nearly bursting heart.
Right here, I'm in the middle of a battle, or a battle about to begin. The cavalry is charging forward, shouting to instill fear in their foes while they bear down on the front lines. Jeton, I'm imagining, is a soldier in that front line.
quote:
As he ran through the thick underbrush
Image shattered.

Jeton, I learn, is not a soldier in an army. Well, he could be, but that's not important at the moment. What he is, is some kind of fugitive; a fugitive being chased by an army. And right there, that's where my disbelief kicks in, because this is something that an army of 2500 men is ill-suited for. I don't care what Jeton did that would make someone willing to spend an equal amount of resources to capture him, an army is the wrong tool, at least as it's being employed here. Why send an army that's going to be slowed down by a logistics train? Why are they sending mounted cavalry through rugged terrain? How are they carrying dogs on horseback? What happened to the scouts that obviously found Jeton and told the main body where he would be?

An army is good for locking down an area and making travel difficult so that other agents can take the necessary time to track down someone who is in hiding. It is not good for this.

Now, as it turns out, my suspicion that I was missing vital context is correct; you intend for this to be a dream sequence. Dream sequences do not need to be logical so much as they need to reflect the character's state of mind. And I will give you that this scene does that successfully, now that I know. I will go so far as to say the logical disconnect I felt did provide a meaningful hint this was a dream. The problem is, starting with a dream sequence is pulling a fast one on your audience. If I picked up your book, read these first lines, and got hooked based on them, I would feel cheated when it came time for Jeton to wake up.

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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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If you're going to start a story with a dream sequence, it's better to let the reader know that the character is dreaming right up front. Otherwise, you run the risk of making the reader feel cheated when the character wakes up and it's only a dream.

I would think the curse would be more powerful if we know it's a dream and yet, when he wakes up, his flesh is freshly torn from the dream thorns.

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ThemeWeaver
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I guess I failed to clarify correctly.


I dont think that the dream is a cheat because, while it is a dream sequence, it is intended to be an exact retelling of the events that actually occurred. On that level it seems logical to me now that an army would not be sent to chase him. The reason he is reliving the events in a dream is because a high priest of an evil religion is forcing these memories into his mind in order to bind him forever to an evil spirit. When he awakens he will remember that it is now two weeks after the actual events. He will then realize that the priest's curse, which was uttered in Jeton's presence, is still effecting him. The dream comes back every time he sleeps. He will then contemplate throwing away the object that he has stolen but will find himself bound to it and unable to do so.

The 10,000 hooves phrase is also important because later in another scene, the priest is shown in a transcendental state forcing the dream on Jeton. He experiences the events in first person because of this. It's the device I'm using to tie the two scenes together.

The dogs, they are not yet on the scene but he knows they will track him eventually. This is probably a week argument.

I know that if readers could take the time to read the entire first chapter these things would become evident, but because this scene is such a keystone for the rest of the story It is jam packed with information, some of which is a setup for the next paragraph. I guess my problem with all of this is that I'm not able to cram an entire scene into one paragraph. There's more to the scene than what you have seen so far.

I think it might be instructive for me if someone can point me to what they consider to be a perfect example of 13 lines. As it stands I feel like I have to pick and choose which elements are satisfied in these short lines. Is there a list somewhere of every question that should be answered within the first paragraph?

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ThemeWeaver
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I also fear that if I somehow achieve a perfect paragraph, it will no longer serve the greater story.
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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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The first 13 lines are not supposed to stand alone, nor are they supposed to contain huge amounts of information or set-up.

They are merely supposed to introduce the reader to the story in such a way that the reader will want to turn the page, knowing that there is more on the next page, and wanting to know what that more is.

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Grumpy old guy
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ThemeWeaver, I’d take Kathleen’s advice about what the first 13 are for; it’s a common misconception made by a lot of people that those first 13 MUST be full of colour, movement and action. They don’t. Their purpose is to entice the reader, not ram a story down their throats before they’re ready.

My first reaction on reading your opening was, “What the heck is going on?” I know nothing about Jeton, why he’s running, why 2500 men on horse are chasing him or why he’s on foot. I can only guess (or surmise) that the story is fantasy, although it could just as easily be historical fiction where Jeton is a Prussian soldier in 1806 fleeing the light cavalry brigade of Davout’s 3rd Corps after the battle of Auerstädt.

For me, openings should set ‘the scene’ as it were, with essential information about who, what, where or why so I can ground my feet and understand what’s going on. Of course, that doesn’t mean giving away all the surprises you have on store for me right away, but it does mean I want to know at least where I am. Also, I agree with Kathleen that if Jeton is dreaming you should make that obvious right at the outset. However that doesn’t mean you need to start the story with: Jeton moaned and rolled over as his dream went to hell . . .

Just my $0000.02 worth

Phil.

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JSchuler
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I know what you mean about the perfect paragraph. I've had those that went and drove the story right into a brick wall.

It sounds to me like you are starting your story after your story has started. I can almost see a whole other book occurring before this scene.

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ThemeWeaver
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Interesting point JShuler. If I am starting at the wrong point in the story then I have bigger problems than I imagined. Jeton is a pawn in a political / spiritual conspiracy that will unfold in at least 7 directions simultaneously and then come crashing together at the climax, with our anti-hero transformed into our hero. Here I am trying to establish that he is a fugitive thief, as you said, who is in WAY over his head on both the physical and spiritual levels. The only way I could think of to make the reader care what happens to such a schmuck was to engage them in the energy of his flight.

Kathleen, I suspected that the 13 lines were a hook, crafted to pique the readers interest. In reading other threads, it seems that no matter what questions were answered, there were always other questions asked. In other words, when you try to please everyone you are sure to please no one. Having said that, I recognize that there is vast room for improvement in my 13 lines, and welcome the critique.

Grumpy old guy, Yes, I was packing a lot of action in the first scene. I suppose I was seeing the scene in my mind like a movie. This is a book, not a screen play, so maybe I need to rethink my presentation. It occurs to me, however, that the real beginning, or hook, is in the prolog. I chose to show the first lines of chapter 1 because there was no way to distill the prolog to 13 lines, and I was able to end the fragment with a cliffhanger. Literally.

The prolog sets the period as "Ancient days". Purposefully ambiguous. I envision the time to be comparable to, but distinct from LOTR Middle Earth. Maybe more of a Pre-Roman / middle eastern culture. Lots of Idol worship and conquest.

Where, oh where to start...

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Grumpy old guy
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quote:
Originally posted by ThemeWeaver:
Where, oh where to start...

That's the hardest question of all to answer. I always struggle with that in every one of my stories but it isn't just limited to where, even more importantly is how. My advice, from pondering over my own attempts, is to start with your main character in his 'natural environment'. Of course, you can always change that as you work through your story, but as a beginning point, I haven't found any better.

If Jeton is a rouge and a thief, show him to us doing what he does, stealing food from starving babies. If you really think about it, you can make even such a darstedly act intriguing to the reader without totally alienating them from the character.

Phil.

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extrinsic
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Consider a start at the start of an antagonizing, life-complicating, life-defining event that interrupts routine. How much routine beforehand to express depends on how much ominous foreshadowing of the interruption is needed in the routine.

Theortically, that first cause could be set up by Jeton's routine thieving that goes horribly awry. An act of thievery comes prepackaged with an ominous foreshadowing of being caught. Only a touch of risk need be added to set up a pending interruption of high magnitude that Jeton then finds himself target of an impossibly numerous posse. Maybe a few intervening escalating crises could step transition into the brigade posse scene of this fragment.

Part of that risk could be the object that Jeton intends to steal. If the object's importance to others is such that that size posse is called out to pursue him, what and why, in other words. Maybe the object is important to the brigade or the brigade is necessary because where Jeton has fled is dangerous territory, where, in other words. Though the size of the brigade is incredible, a reason for it being afield is warranted, not per se summarized or explained, perhaps shown by Jeton's maneuvers to evade the brigade posse, who, in other words. Then his panicked flight at their nearness, as expressed by the fragment, can come into play.

This line is exquisite: "He thanked the moon for hiding her face and aiding his escape, and cursed the noses of the dogs that would soon track him."

Though how among all that scent, a brigade and its mounts, dogs might track Jeton is also incredible. Maybe he smells markedly different than a mounted posse due to a mishap, say fell into a lye vat. Either way, that size of a posse and its maneuvers would confuse any tracker, human or beast.

Consider who, when, where, what, why, and how questions all along and address them fully, particularly as pertains to an antagonizing event that sets the plot in forward and ongoing motion barreling along the roller coaster track.

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ThemeWeaver
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Thank you Extrinsic. I have written a new opening that follows some of your advice even before I read your response. The "moon" line will stay, but in a later paragraph.

RE-BOOT.

Jeton never thought of himself as a villain. It wasnt his fault if the High Priest had gotten in the way, cursing Jeton for stealing the golden idol from the temple of Tzom. So what if the priest had been knocked unconscious. He would live. If Jeton failed, he would be dead. General Azal was not a man to trifle with. Commander of the most decorated regiment in the army of Rhann, Azal reported only to King Nargon himself! If Jeton could not deliver the idol to Azal, that - . Well that just couldn't happen. Now, as the temple guards chased him through the thick underbrush, the hooked thorns of the racus bushes reached out and clawed his body. A low hanging branch gouged his scalp and blood mingled with sweat stung his eyes. Vaulting a tree that lay across his path, his heel struck a branch and he scrambled to keep his footing. He must not fail!

[ June 28, 2014, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: ThemeWeaver ]

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JSchuler
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I actually had the same problem. My current story I had start at the conclusion of a decades-long manhunt, which my main character had a personal stake in. Right away, you see there's an entire book that can be written before the first chapter begins. I solved this by changing my viewpoint character to someone who was incidental to the plot. That character's involvement begins close to where I wanted the real story to begin, and the reader doesn't need to work to understand him or his situation (plus, I liked his voice a lot more than the MC's). So now I don't feel rushed in getting information to the reader, and the important backstory can be revealed naturally.
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Grumpy old guy
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It's just a personal preference I suppose, ThemeWeaver, but I do find that introducing too many foreign or unfamiliar names and terms into the narrative right at the start get's me 'lost and floundering' fairly quickly.

Having said that, however, I find this opening at least lands me on my feet right at the start and there is enough foreshadowing of travails to come to keep me interested--for a while at least.

Phil.

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Denevius
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It's a bit of a summary now, not an opening. One can take almost any line from this and turn it into action:

quote:
It wasnt his fault if the High Priest had gotten in the way, cursing Jeton for stealing the golden idol from the temple of Tzom. So what if the priest had been knocked unconscious.
More active:

"The High Priest stood between Jenton and the gold idol."

Moral complication:

"He didn't want to bloody the man, had nothing against him. But the idol would feed him for weeks, and the pittance the High Priest may give him if he begged wouldn't cover a meal at the local inn."

Sorry for rewriting, but just trying to make a point. The issue with the original opening (dream or not) is that it doesn't give readers a narrative complication that allows us to anchor ourselves in the life of Jenton.

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ThemeWeaver
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Grumpy old guy, I see the point about the names, but I had to explain Azal enough to show why Jeton feared him, and give the reader a frame of reference. Hence "Rhann" - the name of the kingdom, "Nargon" - the king, and Tzom, the god of the people of Rhann.

I have now provided the MC, the antagonist, the setting, the religion, the government, the MC motivation and mind set, the energy to move forward, and the urgency.

I hope "for a while" gets me through a few more sentences that will buy me another "while". Before you know it you'll wonder where the whole day went [Cool]

Denevius, The first part of the fragment is in the very near past, hence no present tense action. the word "Now", produces an immediate shift to present tense action. Well, not present tense. Psudo present/past perfect? I don't mind the re-writing, I find it valuable to see another writers perspective on my own plot.

[ June 29, 2014, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: ThemeWeaver ]

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JSchuler
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My suggestion: Slow down.

Look at this passage:
quote:
It wasnt his fault if the High Priest had gotten in the way, cursing Jeton for stealing the golden idol from the temple of Tzom. So what if the priest had been knocked unconscious. He would live. If Jeton failed, he would be dead.
This is a summary of action. Yes, you get a lot of information across in very little time, but I'm not looking to read your book for information. I want to read your book for entertainment. And right now, my first impression of your book is that you are going to tell me about exciting things that happened, instead of showing me. I'm going to put your book down.

I'd say you have identified a good place to start your story: the theft. Now take these lines and make a chapter out of them. Show us this temple. Bring us along as Jeton snatches this golden idol. Let us feel the weight of it in his hands. Put the words of that curse gasped from the strained throat of the High Priest in our ears.

If you think about it, you're going to have to do that at some point. This curse, being up front and center as is, is expected to be a major part of the story. Readers are going to also expect you to give them a proper story about it. Why not right at the beginning?

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ThemeWeaver
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quote:
This is a summary of action. Yes, you get a lot of information across in very little time, but I'm not looking to read your book for information. I want to read your book for entertainment. And right now, my first impression of your book is that you are going to tell me about exciting things that happened, instead of showing me. I'm going to put your book down.
[Eek!] Ouch. >rubs stinging cheek<. There's a wake up call. You've hit upon something there. I have trouble with dialog, and therefore I tend to "tell" rather than "say". I admire those who can set the scene through the characters own words. There is plenty of present tense action, and dialog as well, a little later on. I envisioned the opening as a setup for the main story and therefore full of background information. You're right. Too dry.

The original 10,000 hooves / dream sequence thing seemed like a good way to bring the reader up to speed on prior events to start the story where I wanted it to start, 2 weeks after the theft, in the wilderness with an army on his trail. I see the wisdom of letting the reader get his bearings as in the second fragment, but it puts me behind in the plot and forces me to explain events up front that I had planned to reveal later.

As a reader, I have no idea what twists, turns, and surprises lie ahead. As a writer, I am mindful of future events and the need to foreshadow but not make forgone conclusions of these events. As a reader I always think I know where this is going, until the author shows me another way. With fragments like these, there is not enough information to tell you where this is all going. It took a lot of explaining to bring you to the point of understanding the story as well as you do now. Where a reader thinks the story should go based in the fragment may be very different than where I have taken it. I can only hope that the reader is pleasantly surprised.

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Grumpy old guy
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ThemeWeaver, a bit of gratuitous advice from someone who has done exactly what I'm going to accuse you of; don't be hasty. (I seem to have heard that somewhere else, too)

Anyway, what I mean is that you've presented your first 13, we've (Those of us who've contributed) taken a look at it, pondered and pontificated and then, within a few hours, you've responded with a re-write.

Whoa! Hold on there, pardner.

Take the time to think and consider the various bits if advice we're all giving you. Some of it is worth listening to, some of it is our own preconceived ideas of how we think a story should start but remember, we don't really know the story you want to tell. Take a deep breath, think about your story and then find out where the story really starts and then try again. But, you don't have to do it right away. Take a bit of time, perhaps finish the story and then revisit the beginning.

Phil.

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extrinsic
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A challenge of scene writing as opposed to summary and explanation backstory or prologue lecture is, not to bring readers up to speed, nor explain what's going on, nor inform of all a narrative's parameters, but merely to develop a reality imitation of the action as it unfolds for a viewpoint agonist from that agonist's awareness. In this case Jeton.

A scene of Jeton stealing the idol, for example, as Denevius and JSchuler suggest, develops antagonism, causation, and tension--plot features, as Jeton encounters them.

These causal features are sensory stimuli events that antagonize and cause reactions and develop tension. Visual stimuli, aural stimuli, including dialogue where warranted, tactile stimuli--like textures "touched" by the eyes or ears as well as textures felt by touch, olfactory stimuli as warranted, and gustatory stimuli as warranted--fell into a vat of lye, for example, has a sound, sight, touch, smell, and taste, Smells have tastes too, and tasting with eye, ear, or touch as well. When stimuli antagonize emotional attitude reactions, they are sublime.

Reactions to stimuli can be speech, thought, action, etc., and need attitude reactions, emotional attitudes. For example, fell into a lye vat, anger maybe, self-loathing for a stupid mistake maybe, disgust from landing in melted fat not quite converted fully to lye, maybe pride from a clever and narrow escape, maybe several of the above in sequence. Certainly a strong want to escape the lye vat, maybe tampered by it's a convenient hideout for a tense moment. And yet later a realization that falling into lye may be both an advantage and a disadvantage. These reactions are the strongest methods for characterization development and arousing readers' empathy and curiosity. And not to mention, the action unfolds for readers as it unfolds for a viewpoint agonist.

As JSchuler and MattLeo recommend, slow down, linger in scenes, fully develop their context and texture--who, when, where, what, why, and how; their antagonism, causation, and tension; their events, settings, and characters--so that they come alive as reality imitations readers can immerse in and be caught up by.

Note that average reading rate for English is roughly 150 words per minute, about twenty words more than thirteen lines contain; however, average writing speed as reported by published writers is less than one word per minute, including raw draft, working draft, and revision rewriting. One hundred thirty or so words need only upset emotional equilibrium for a viewpoint agonist such that readers' emotions are likewise upset from a routine emotional state. That's it, novel or short story. Writing's not a dash race; it's a marathon, a learned reality that comes to all writers in time.

[ June 29, 2014, 02:05 AM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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ThemeWeaver
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My apologies for being over eager. This story has been stagnating for years and now that I have found all of you, I have renewed hope, interest, and energy. I am excited about my story again. I really am absorbing all of the advice I am receiving, I thought that I had applied a great deal of it in the second fragment. I did "slow" for 10 years. doing "slow" now feels like dragging my feet, but I understand what you mean. I will try to refrain from posting my revised 13 lines until the full chapter is complete.

I have begun to re-re-re-write the first chapter. I think that this time I should expand this first section to be a full chapter on it's own. I have started, as suggested, with the priest uttering the curse while Jeton steals the idol, followed by the guards chasing him through the woods, with dogs this time. No horses until later. Boy am I glad you folks never saw the original draft. Lots of Thees and Thous. King James English. Rubbish!

Denevius, I may take you up on your kind offer of swapping openings after the current re-write, but I doubt that I could offer you anything constructive. You have seen my limited knowledge in action already.

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Grumpy old guy
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Being excited about your story gives you fresh eyes and a fresh perspective with which to evaluate what you have done before. It is the 'next step' in telling your tale but there is no need for haste. All stories have their time and place to be born and appreciated; yours has simply waited for the appropriate moment to burst forth and blossom.

Phil.

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JSchuler
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Now that your main issue seems to have a working solution, I'm going to go back and focus on a minor nit.

quote:
Racus bushes are fictional. I made them up so that there would be something with thorns to tear at his flesh. Also, later in the same chapter we find him eating the berries therof in order to survive. Google wont help you, but I explain it in one of the paragraphs that follow this one.
From this, your racus bush is a smeerp. What's a smeerp, you ask? A smeerp is a small, furry mammal with long ears, a twitchy nose, a cotton tail, hops everywhere, and has a taste for alfalfa and carrots. In other words, it's a rabbit, but since we're in a fantasy novel, it's called something else for some reason.

This plant you've described is exactly like one of dozens, perhaps hundreds, of plant species found on Earth. I have a black raspberry bush trying to take over my backyard that fits the description perfectly. So my suggestion is to use a real-world plant, instead of making one up.

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Denevius
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Depends on the importance of the plant. If it plays a major role in the development of the plot in a way that a real plant can't, then it makes sense that it's fictional. Sticking it as an aside in the first lines might be problematic unless 'racus' has been addressed in the description of the novel.

But in fantasy worlds, I don't think it's unusual for authors to create plant life specific to the universe in question. It just probably needs to be defined sooner rather than later.

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ThemeWeaver
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I chose a fictional plant because I couldn't think of a real one that has wickedly "hooked thorns" that would seem to "reach out and tear at" Jeton. Also, it has to produce edible berries to sustain him. The plant plays a minor but dual role. This is not intended as an alternate universe, just a forgotten part of history. Racus bushes may be extinct by now. If I find a suitable alternative I would consider using it to avoid confusion or disbelief.
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ThemeWeaver
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Also, the use of a real plant might indicate an indigenous range, which would degrade the ambiguity of location. I have not expressly indicated a point on earth where the story takes place. If I choose an asian plant, well then the reader may imagine the story takes place in Asia, and will drag their preconceived notions relating to Asia into Jeton's realm.
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extrinsic
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The thorn plant's name doesn't give it much context, nor its properties that implies its meaning, re mythology, in a way readers can visualize it. An underlying issue for this according to the Turkey City Lexicon:

"'Call a Rabbit a Smeerp'
A cheap technique for false exoticism, in which common elements of the real world are re-named for a fantastic milieu without any real alteration in their basic nature or behavior. 'Smeerps' are especially common in fantasy worlds, where people often ride exotic steeds that look and act just like horses. (Attributed to James Blish.)"

In other words, "racus" is a generic plant name, that its name doesn't express its basic nature or behavior. Hook thorns and berries could be a cactus, or an acacia, or one of the ash species that has thorns. Only the opuntia cacti, though, have edible, tangy fig-like fruits. None have "hooks" in a botanical sense, nor do briar fruit vines like blackberry, though many species have hook-like bristles (trichomes), from which Velcro was developed.

Part of developing the context of say, racus, is a name that expresses its meaning. Prickly pear, for example, says a lot about that cactus's basic nature and behavior, though not that it's a cactus. Also, how an agonist perceives the plant's meaning and reacts to it adds context and perhaps texture.

Perhpas Jeton knows racus as hookthorn or thornberry, for example, and both loathes it for its gripping thorns and treasures it for its bittersweet fruit, maybe also that it is a lush evergreen foliage that deceptively hides the thorns.

[ June 29, 2014, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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Denevius
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quote:
From this, your racus bush is a smeerp. What's a smeerp, you ask? A smeerp is a small, furry mammal with long ears, a twitchy nose, a cotton tail, hops everywhere, and has a taste for alfalfa and carrots. In other words, it's a rabbit, but since we're in a fantasy novel, it's called something else for some reason.
quote:
"'Call a Rabbit a Smeerp'
A cheap technique for false exoticism, in which common elements of the real world are re-named for a fantastic milieu without any real alteration in their basic nature or behavior. 'Smeerps' are especially common in fantasy worlds, where people often ride exotic steeds that look and act just like horses. (Attributed to James Blish.)"

I don't think I've ever heard of this before, but it's a pretty interesting analysis of the technique.

If 'racus plant' doesn't play a significant role, it might be best to google to find a plant most suitable for your needs. A plant that "seems to reach out and tear" is more psychological to Jeton's worry about being pursued, anyway, then that it necessary has to be capable of this at all times.

And since this is a forest/woods, I'm sure he could find another plant that has berries. Trying to combine both of these into one seems unnecessary.

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Grumpy old guy
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In one of my fantasy stories I re-named the humble blackberry and called it a thornberry 'cos that's what the locals called it. It had thorns and edible berries, so what's the problem? We're not trying to describe biological hierarchy's here with phylum, genus etc, it's the name the locals give to a plant we might all be able to recognise. Just a bit of 'local colour and atmosphere' is all.

Phil.

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