posted
This is an idea for a horror story I'm starting. I've only written 334 words and this is also my first time posting.
You don't see a tattoo like that in a place like this. But definitely you'd see a tattoo like that on that arm, impressive, but for sure not in here. PJ bottoms as day clothes, BMW key chains hanging from the finger of a hand holding a latte, maybe multiple earrings in a singular part of the body, but no tattoo like that…For sure I’ve seen tats like that, but in darker places, definitely not where I am right now, surreal almost…
"Are you listening to me Tom?"
“...sorry Kathy, yes, I mean no," l said awakening from my trance.
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About, to me, an appropriate aesthetic distance from and for the stream-of-consciousness segment, though far shy of specific setting details to the point of vagueness and generic-ness of description.
"place like this," "in here," "darker places," and "where I am" are each opportunities to describe details and develop setting at least, in about the same word count. Setting descriptions, when emotionally charged, and these seek emotional charge though are emotionally empty, also develop characterization, especially of a first-person narrator. Also, a description development of the strange tattoo wearer is warranted.
The fragment contains some character movement -- an ideal story movement method. However, Kathy's abrupt interruption of Tom's introspection artlessly jars, stalls or reverses even, movement. The transition calls attention to the questionable reality of the tattoo, as if it is Tom's imagination, which compromises authentication and willing suspension of disbelief. The first paragraph comes across as a dream state and Kathy's interruption as a wake-up segment. The transition could be smoother, like if Tom notices Kathy's presence first, preempts her interruption.
Use of a term like "surreal" tells rather than shows a surreal experience. This is akin to calling attention to a pun, which flattens a pun's impact to nothing. Explaining a pun, an irony, a joke, a surreal state, dilutes and diminishes the expression. If auditors don't "get it," that's on the sayer's shortfall.
Ellipsis points mark ellipses: grammatically incomplete expressions that imply easily understood missing content. Neither ellipsis point in the fragment is warranted.
Direct address expressions with common or proper noun names in them are prescriptively bracketed by punctuation, a comma at the front end and another comma or terminal punctuation at the back end.
"'Are you listening to me[,] Tom?'" "'Sorry[,] Kathy, yes [--] I mean[,] no."
The dash above (--) marks a self-interruption and change of thought direction -- a 180 degree change of thought direction. The comma that follows "mean" above marks an interjection separate from the declarative "no."
"I said[,] awakening from my trance."
Takes a comma after the dialogue attribution tag to separate it from the action clause. Two separate actions. Two separated clauses.
The fragment is ten lines, three more lines available. Preambles, titles, and empty lines do not count in thirteen lines. That's three more lines to develop setting, event, character, complication and conflict, and, overall, story movement, and exposition -- what a narrative is really about theme and meaning-wise. Like a horror motif is absent, period. The fragment develops some character-reader shared curiosity about the tattoo's oddity and out-of-place display. Therein, details about the tattoo and place afford opportunity for the horror motif, perhaps overall theme, developments.
In all, I don't think I would read on, due to the above, to me, shortfalls of the work outweigh strengths.
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I want to know why the tattoo is so surprising. All this rumination over the tattoo, and I don't know what it's a tattoo of.
Overall, this doesn't pull me in. There's nothing here that grabs my interest. Maybe if I knew what was surprising about the tattoo, that could pique my interest.
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posted
I feel with the rambling of her mind, we are in a deep POV, and as such, we(the reader) should have an image of the tattoo immediately, right after the 1st line. Whether its fair or not I feel its being withheld for the sole purpose of adding intrigue.
I like the voice of the piece though. Character has potential.
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posted
I not only want to know what the tattoo looks like, I want to know what the person with the tattoo looks like and what the setting is so I can figure out the incongruity for myself. Show, don't tell.
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posted
Definitely a lot there to absorb and all good comments it will definitely fuel the next draft and I'll include the three extra lines next time.
I will say I'm going for normal to extreme in this story, so the opening has to be subtle, yet intriguing and that was to be the tattoos job, so I have to work on the hook, since I was 1 for 3 maybe 0.5 for 3. Thanks.
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posted
No worries. For the record, I realized I sounded a lot harsher than I meant to. The narrative voice is interesting, and if you elaborate on the things I mentioned I'd likely be perfectly willing to read further. There's definitely potential here; the story just needs some fine-tuning.
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posted
My first piece of advice would be NOT to try and write a hook. If that is the sole purpose of the tattoo, to intrigue, then a reader may finish the story by will probably never pick up another by the same author.
The opening as it is, is meaningless to me. I don't know anything about the setting, I don't know anything about the object of Tom's scrutiny. I don't know where I am or what's happening. The only thing I do know is, at the end, someone named Kathy has been talking to him and he wasn't listening. Not much there to intrigue me.
And, with that opening, I have no idea what the problem is. As a writer, I can assume Tom is the main character, but the only problem he seems to have is he's about to get his ear punched for not listening while Kathy was talking.
IMHO, short stories are about something that happened to someone at a particular time and place. They are generally about a single event at a single point in time. For me, best practice is to begin the story at the moment the inciting incident occurs, that moment when everything starts. One other important consideration IMHO is that the opening scene/sentence must relate to the last scene/sentence. That is, the beginning and the end must bookend the story.
Added later:
Of course, another critical point in a story where you can start is the pivotal moment of character crisis. That is, the moment when the character must choose their destiny. It's usually an internal crisis as the character struggles with their own internal conflicts whether personal, moral, aesthetic, or any other fundamental question humans struggle with. In other words, the moment they are forced to confront some aspect of the human condition and make a choice--for good or ill.
Phil.
[ October 13, 2015, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]
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posted
Since this was my first post I did just realize based on Phil's last comment that I should have posted this in Fragment and Feedback for books, so do not know if that would matter, however my start still needs plenty of work.
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posted
So, it's NOT a short story. Well, that makes a bit of a difference, but not much. If this is a first draft, don't bother with the niceties of writing, just get your story down on paper. Whether you're a planner or a pantser, the most important thing to get sorted out first is the structure of your plot--also known as the story--the inciting incident, the rising action, the decisive character crisis, the story climax, the falling action, and finally, the denouement. After that, you can worry about characterisation, pacing, and an opening hook; among all the other writerly concerns you'll start to worry about. At this stage, just create your story.
As far as my comments about your opening 13 goes, they still stand. The opening of any story needs to introduce the reader to some element of the story. In the short version you don't have a lot of space to introduce character, so introduce problem and define character by the way they deal with the problem. In the longer form, you have the option of introducing either one, some, or all of the following: the time, the place, the character, the problem wanting resolution, or the reason why there is a problem--the who, the why, the what, the where, and the when.
posted
Here is my reworked piece, hopefully it's much improved.
Now you don't see a tattoo like that in a place like this – definitely not in the specialty coffee line of Grocer Mart. It appeared all of a sudden as a tall man of sturdy slenderness and Dinaric features queued up behind a diaper bagged mom to busy fussing with her tootler to notice the impressive tat. The inked sleeve ran from under his “T” down to his not so small elbow. For sure I’ve seen tats like that on other men – in darker places, greasy gun turrets, earthy smelling fox holes, pungent villages--
--I hated it, only at first, because it didn’t belong mixed in with these PJ bottomed patrons, their BMW key chains hanging from fingers that awaited cappuccinos and of course that pink flowered diaper bag. But as I stared into the dark shading of
posted
As far as giving me more information, the opening is some type of improvement, but it doesn't entice me into the story.
I wouldn't go past this:
quote:Now you don't see a tattoo like that in a place like this
I just sit and look at that fragment and think to myself, "Well, you do see a tattoo like that in a place like that, 'cos you're looking at one." It's a trite and pointless character observation that is disputed by the fact the tattoo IS there.
This may seem like a strange reason to close the cover on a story but what's written has that effect for me. There is no 'hook'. I don't mean a hook as in colour and movement, intrigue, or mystery, I mean words and phrases that entice me to keep reading. Prose that unfolds and reveals its purpose to me in an interesting way.
Why are we at that place and in that particular moment? What story tasks MUST be fulfilled by this opening scene? What must it introduce and what must it tell us? Because, right at the moment it isn't telling me anything interesting at all.
posted
The new opening serves up details better, though occluded by unnecessary wordiness. The tattoo's appearance still lacks a crucial introductory detail.
The sentences are of a loose sentence structure mixed with periodic sentence types: complex and compound and complex-compound sentences. They are more leisurely, linger artfully, though somewhat confused in structures of apotaxis (parallel constructs), hypotaxis (unequal, premodification constructs), and syntaxis (erudite constructs).
The point of the fragment seems to focus on the extraordinary appearance of the tattoo, possibly customary for military tribal totemism, at a boutique food shop. That contrast holds potentials, though lacks complication and conflict development -- what's the crisis to come of those odd tattoo and boutique food shop motifs? A clue of introduction is warranted within the fragment. Is this an active shooter event? If so, or similar, stronger signals are essential. Premonition, foreboding, ominous clues.
The fragment essentially is a specimen type, of Jerome Stern's Making Shapely Fiction. An observed subjective character is the focus of an objective character's observations. From the observations, the objective character's nature is revealed as much if not more than the subjective character's.
The tattoo's mythology development from its appearance holds the greatest possibilities for overcoming the above, to me, shortfalls.
The first clause is almost meaningless. "Now you don't see a tattoo like that in a place like this --"
The word "Now" used in that case is a discourse marker akin to well, an interjection. They are usually nonsensical and mostly meaningless: like oh, yeah, well, you know, uh-huh, like, now, and so, but, etc. Interjection discourse markers are separated by commas from main clauses, too.
A tattoo like what? The question of substance and unanswered by the fragment, except that the tattoo may be customary for seedy military settings.
"A place like this" -- about nothing to say there. Maybe later a line of the type might be apropos -- after the place's nature is shown. The consideration is empty proximity pronouns without antecedent subjects: that and this. "That" does in this case reference the tattoo, but like what? "This" usually references a subsequent subject or an overall clearly understood antecedent subject, though in the former case takes a colon before its subject reference. This is a military culture marker: shoulder ink of daggers, demons, skulls, and snakes.
Several negation statements are clumsy. They generally slow, stall, or reverse story movement. In any case, negation statements are best used judiciously for their strongest function: emphasis. Also, negation statements require a degree or two more time to process their meaning than affirmative statements. Several in short sequence can confuse flow and comprehension.
Rhetorical figures for which negation statements are best practice used are antithesis and litotes. Antithesis describes by what a circumstance is not. Litotes is a form of irony that affirms the positive opposite of a negation statement. For best reader effect, whichever the intent is, negation statements require clear and strong and judicious rhetorical expression: for emphasis, for antithesis, for litotes -- for ease of comprehension, for profluent movement flow. For event, setting, character, complication-conflict, and, overall, story movement.
Overall, for me, the main shortfall is artlessly withheld what the story is really about, though could as well be because what the story is really about is not yet realized.
The language of the second fragment, though, is generally much improved over the first.
I still would not read on.
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posted
I've been scratching at my mind trying to work out just what is specifically wrong with the opening from MY POV. I finally got it: the opening motif.
Your first sentence clause introduces a motif into the story, and not just any motif, a visual motif--a tattoo, a visual representation of something the wearer considers important. But what happens next?
We enter the world of the mundane yuppie and a description of some bling obsessed coffee shop. If the motif is so important that you would mention it in the first sentence, why aren't you focusing on what the tattoo means, or implies, to the viewpoint character? My take on such an opening would be:
In the moment I saw him enter the coffee shop I noticed it--that tattoo. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and my palms began to sweat. Are you sane, like me, or damaged beyond repair? I could go on if I knew what the tattoo meant--but I don't.
So, if it's so important, why aren't you focusing on explaining its significance? That's my main issue with the construction of this opening.
quote:Originally posted by ksari46: Now you don't see a tattoo like that in a place like this – definitely not in the specialty coffee line of Grocer Mart. It appeared all of a sudden as a tall man of sturdy slenderness and Dinaric features queued up behind a diaper bagged mom to busy fussing with her tootler to notice the impressive tat. The inked sleeve ran from under his “T” down to his not so small elbow. For sure I’ve seen tats like that on other men – in darker places, greasy gun turrets, earthy smelling fox holes, pungent villages--
--I hated it, only at first, because it didn’t belong mixed in with these PJ bottomed patrons, their BMW key chains hanging from fingers that awaited cappuccinos and of course that pink flowered diaper bag. But as I stared into the dark shading of
The alternation between present tense thought patterns and past tense description feels a little rough, but other than a use of the wrong "to/too" in the first paragraph the fragment feels much more smooth to me and I would personally be willing to read on. I'm still curious what the sleeve itself looks like, although context suggests something tribal.
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