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Back for more torture. BTW, I developed an idea for "Revenant" over a year ago, before the movie. I was so disappointed when that movie was announced. Anyway...note that the character of Ninian was introduced in the prior chapter.
Ninian casually crossed his legs. He fussed with his robes until they lay just so, reminding Pippa of the way Eony might precisely arrange her own skirts. He swirled the mead in his cup before taking a sip.
“I'm unarmed,” Ninian said.
Pippa understood. She removed the spear from Jamie’s lap – it had been resting across his knees – and whispered in his ear. “You won’t need this.”
“Are you both my sister’s children?” Ninian asked.
“Já,” Jamie said. "I'm Jamie, and this is my sister, Pippa."
"Jamie! My father's name! Of course the eldest of Elinor's sons would be named after his grandfather. What an adorable boy." He patted Jamie on the cheek. Pippa grinned at the unseemly
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posted
Third chapter opening into the novel and no sign of a central dramatic contest yet. Each opening thus far is more or less polite social pleasantries. In each chapter, content not posted might start movement. Perhaps, though, if I were the audience target age, I would skim until something caught my attention or give up if nothing does.
A quiet contest start no less could start movement. The dread slow start, or "slow" as a euphemism for no start at all, is fatal to a narrative's success.
"Through the Revenant" repeats the "Through" of the novel title. I don't know if that's a repetition for emphasis' sake or an inharmonious redundancy.
The two -ly adverbs of the first paragraph, one is flat, both too formal for a sixteen-year-old, the second, though somewhat emotionally charged: "casually" and "precisely," respectively. Adverbs' prose function is emotional commentary when verbs themselves are inadequate. "fussed" is artful commentary, compared to "casually crossed" and "precisely arranged." Might emotionally charged verbs serve those instead?
These are unnecessarily wordy: "Are you _both_ my sister's children?" and "_Of course_ the eldest _of_ Elinor's sons would be named after his grandfather."
The first, "both," is obviated by plural "children." The sentence syntax is contemporary-today everyday conversation, too. Conventional syntax of the milieu would be more like //Are you children my sister's?// The children are present, therefore, they have a higher status than the sister, ergo, are referenced first in order.
The second, the interjection "Of course," is a meaningless discourse marker on par with the likes of "you know," "like," "okay," "well," etc. As interjections, discourse markers take punctuation separation. //Of course, the eldest . . .//
Also, where practical, best practice to avoid unnecessary connective words, like the second preposition "of," unless for a formal expression intent. Likewise, a syntax consideration. //Elinor _would_ name her eldest son after his grandfather.//
Though I care little for italics emphasis use, the auxiliary verb "would" there might take italics for fan fiction fantasy targeted to young audiences. The overtly subjunctive mood conditional construction, though interjection-like expression, itself serves the emphasis function for me. In other words, "would" used for a covert indicative mood purpose. The context supports that use, though a mite on the perhaps too-sophisticated side for young-early adult audiences.
The scene is somewhat of a population explosion, too. Pippa, Jamie, Eony, Ninian, Elinor, and a grandfather introduced, or reintroduced, in a rush without any one's character developed enough. Ninian somewhat, from the rearrangement of the kilt's hems, his hems and haws before the launch into the gist of the matter, shows hesitation, a matter to come that's difficult.
Viewpoint glitch that Ninian swirls mead in his cup. That visual mead movement only Ninian can see, not Pippa.
Overall, the predominance of Ninian's actions, speech, and locus of attention places Ninian in focal viewpoint character position, not Pippa.
Also, a false conjunction use: "He swirled the mead in his cup _before_ taking a sip." Sequential actions best practice are more separated. Plus, a recast eliminates the present participle -ing ring rhyme word.
The intent of the sentence is similar to a discourse marker's function, to show meditation, attract attention to a persona, or to "hold the floor," so to speak, for a pause before a storm. Beverage swirls are akin to an attention-attractor throat clear in those regards. The sip itself is the punctuation that precedes the launch into the gist of a matter.
I'm less inclined to read on, little to no as yet contest action presented or implied.
I hate my title. It's just something I picked for now.
My drama happens within the chapter, sometimes within the first page, just not always in the first 13. Hmmm. Is it right to consistently inject contest action in the first 13 of each chapter in a novel? The re-writes of my first 2 chapters, which I did not share here, do apply that advice. I can do it, just wasn't sure if that's preferred.
Such good points about the adverb use and dialogue. Definitely something for me to work on.
Side question: is it appropriate to italicize internal dialogue?
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Personally, I would like a sense of setting to ground this action for me and help me get a picture of it in my head.
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quote:Originally posted by dmsimone: Man, you're good.
I hate my title. It's just something I picked for now.
My drama happens within the chapter, sometimes within the first page, just not always in the first 13. Hmmm. Is it right to consistently inject contest action in the first 13 of each chapter in a novel? The re-writes of my first 2 chapters, which I did not share here, do apply that advice. I can do it, just wasn't sure if that's preferred.
Such good points about the adverb use and dialogue. Definitely something for me to work on.
Side question: is it appropriate to italicize internal dialogue?
Thank you! Danielle
Thank you, lots and years of practice and study -- for my writing benefit. Not yet expressed since you joined: The workshop paradigm benefits writer and commenter, probably commenter's self-awareness and self-editing more so than writers'.
For thirteen lines fragments, titles are generally accorded working title status and accepted as that's given. However, comment about titles is part of workshop consideration.
A principle of thumb for drama is show a drama's conflict, complication, and tone on every page, with every practical word and mark, etc. The contest is foremost in mind at every moment, like in real life when wants and problems and risks and stakes and attitudes preoccupy our lives, minds, worries, and pains. Otherwise, who cares; if nothing matters because nothing dramatic changes dramatically, is not drama.
Italicized internal dialogue is common place for fantasy, fan fiction, young, generally, and young and old female writers and readers. Frankly, I believe italics emphases are gimmicky shorthand format acrobatics. If the words don't do the job, for instance, signal that this part is internal discourse, recast so they do, is my motto.
Back in the day before typewritten typescripts allowed italics formats, word underlines marked italics to typesetters. First, a typist had to backspace to input underlines, or carriage return inline, a tedious chore and problematic from a typewriter traction roller doesn't hold a sheet of paper in alignment suitably -- sloppy appearance. Second, excess italics' underline format easily bothers the eye. Third, numerous format changes put typesetters out of sorts. Out of sorts: not enough lead type matrices (sorts) to typeset a page and the temper tantrum typesetters throw in frustration from pointless format changes that impede typeset pace. Back when, a proverb, an upset typesetter makes mistakes out of sorts. Today, italics nonetheless frustrate layout editors, especially for digital publication. Better not put a layout editor out of sorts.
A workaround for the first above is to type underscores that bracket an _italics text string_ -- neater though still busy and no less frustrating for typesetters. A typist would then use a black ink pen and lettering guide's straight edge to connect the underscores. The bold mark is a scalloped underline. Typist's lettering guides pre-1966 came with one long edge scalloped as well as one long edge, a straight ruler gradient in point and pica measure.
No mechanical workarounds for the other two above, not back when; today, italics are available wordprocessor typeface fonts, probably too easily available. Though -- many publications still suggest underlines because typescript italics can be invisible. Otherwise, best practice is to limit italics use as much as practical.
The several prescriptive uses for italics, and a gamut of other discretionary ways italics are used -- italics' emphasis function is easily blunted. Emphasis, as in all things expression, is timely, judicious, and as indicated when most needed. Italics emphasis least of all -- flavor to taste, occasion, audience, subject, content, and intent.
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wetwilly - You are right. This chapter picks up where the previous chapter left off, so I didn't include any setting to anchor the reader. That's something I didn't think about, and probably need to go back and do that for most of my chapters.
extrinsic - Thanks for your opinion regarding italics. I am thumbing through my library to see how various authors treat internal dialogue. Quite a widespread treatment.
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