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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Writing Class » Headline Challenge.

   
Author Topic: Headline Challenge.
Bent Tree
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The following is a few headlines from'08.I challenge you to write the intro paragraph to the article as if it were written in the future-- let's say 2108.

*Judge Adds Interest To Patent Violation
*Top Rocket Stocks for Week of Feb. 18
*Climate Change 2008:
Working Group I: The Scientific Basis
*Study: Contaminent levels high in parks
*Suicide Rates at All-Time High Among Active-Duty Soldiers
*President Points to Scientific Issues in State of the Union Speech
*Florida Adopts Compromise Science Standards
*Who's Orbiting the Moon?
*Name that telescope!
*Counting the Homeless to Help End Their Plight


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Patrick James
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Climate change 2108!

Its getting colder every year, say the scientists at New Mexico's climatological institution. Head of the inst. Dr. B. Contrary says, "It is inevitable that zie world ist losing ist's heat. zie universe ist very large and cold, ya? And zie laws of zhermodynamics say zhat heat flows from hot to cold, ya? zherefore, we must be getting colder, Ya? And sooner or later we will be living on a ball of ice" Then continued to say. "Unless of course, we fall into zie sun. Then we would be made into crispy critters. Zhat would be very bad, ya?"

However, other scholars...


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JustInProse
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Haha!

I love it. I've spoken german for about 5 years now, and this had me reading aloud.

Who's Orbiting the Moon. 2108.

Terrorist attacks on the United Moon Colonies have been linked to one of the orbiting Satbots. Who could be in control of the Satbot? No one seems to know. Galaxy officials have declared jurisdiction over the situation. Both Earth and Mars have already submitted all Satbot information to Galaxy Troops until the situation has been resolved.

Venus, on the other hand...

[This message has been edited by JustInProse (edited April 04, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by JustInProse (edited April 04, 2008).]


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rstegman
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*President Points to Scientific Issues in State of the Union Speech

During the State Of The Union Address, The president Marsha discussed the need to recapture the knowledge lost due to a century of government controlled education where children were store housed rather than educated.
She said that they needed to return to publications and books written before the De-education process to regain knowledge of the past.
AS examples of places to regain knowledge, she pointed to issues of the magazine SCIENTIFIC that assistants held up for her. No one noticed they were held upside down since no one in attendance could read.


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skadder
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Earth Rise Journal ~ All the Lunar and Earth News--First!

President Points to Scientific Issues in State of the Union Speech

President Gobbo, former holo-star of Monkeying About ate a few bananas in his State of the Union speech. The mildly-enhanced primate was heard to say, "Good bananas," before pointing a finger towards a broken auto cue device. He jumped about for a minute before screaming, "Fix'em, fix'em; ooh-ooh, aah-aah."
Former President and reality star of I Sent My Heart to the Center of The Sun, Sasha DeChrysler said, "It goes to show how the political processes can be subverted when a primate can beat a human holo-star into the Oval Office. What do they expect? If you pay peanuts you get monkeys."

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 05, 2008).]


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Bent Tree
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Counting the Homeless to Help End Their Plight

Armed with newer technology and better armor, the U.S. census department announced its launch of 1200 new GP-23100 robots.

Last decades census was thwarted when many of the GP's predecessors, the RP-122, where disassembled by gang members in many major cities.

The spokesman of the buereau says "The new bots will not fail this decade. This Census will be the most accurate in history."


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Patrick James
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New Jihad Times

Suicide Rates at All-Time High Among Active-Duty Soldiers

"Things are going very well for our effort," Say the leaders of the new, friendlier, Al-kida. "we don’t take an active role in terrorizing anymore but our boys are well trained and prepared to GO at any time."
To prove their point we were invited to film their training technique at Kamikaze camp, Afghanistan. The head of the training facility, sergeant Alam Alsmear gave us the grand tour. "It's not like it used to be." He told us, "Before, there was no preparation, no training."
We asked him mow many recruits had gone through the training and were ready to perform right now if they had to. "…Well, uh, none…" Was his response. When we witnessed the last test before graduation we saw why…


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snapper
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President Points to Scientific Issues in State of the Union Speech

President George Bush the eighth used the State of the Union address to quell growing concern for his lack of a formal education.
Still smarting over the charge from House Speaker Chelsea Obama Clinton that "(Mr.Bush) couldn't find a scientific term in an sixth grade text book", he held up a science book from the local school and pointed as he addressed Congress.

"There's one here on page three. And another on the next page. And on page ten there is a bunch of stuff on science..."


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snapper
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Top Rocket Stocks for Week of Feb. 18

Sports Section

For the sixth year in a row, the Armstrong 500000 was marked with a spectacular wreck. On the third pass around the moon, Cyborg Stewards Enola Gayla, sponsored by Budweiser, got caught in the exhaust of his hated rival Jeff Gorbot's Columbia's spare parts, sponsored by Coca Cola. The resulting explosion from Stewart's rocket knocked out seventeen other racers and the fall out from it's radiactive pile has rendered the moons darkside colony uninhabitable for decades to come.
The move allowed Gorbot to receive the checkered flag. In the winner circle, he brushed aside questions that sport is too dangerous to the flyers, its fans, and any innocent settlement nearby.
"Them bastards that cry about us being a violent sport just don't understand Stock Rocket racing..."



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snapper
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Florida Adopts Compromise Science Standards

Florida's new adoption law have placed Stem Cell labortories in a quandry. The proto-embryonic specimens that they have manufactured for the expected demands of the medical field are now subject to placed in the homes of whoever wants to care for them as therfe children.
Opponents to the cloning procedure have found a loop hole in the 'Danzter' law that was intended to place any expected orphan in a home before they are born. Adoption papers have been filed for all the proto-embryo in its vats.
"I don't understand why they would want one," said one of the labs scientist. "They're brainless clones. They won't grow up, be able to think, or do anything. They're just genetic material."
Mary Mushmen of Ft Myers can't wait to get her next batch. She has 4000 tiny cribs set up in a spare bedroom in what used to be her husbands workshop. "I just can't wait to hold them, and sing to them, and feed them all. I'm the happiest mama ever."


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rstegman
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snapper
Member posted April 06, 2008 11:48 PM

"I don't understand why they would want one," said one of the labs scientist. "They're brainless clones. They won't grow up, be able to think, or do anything. They're just genetic material."

No brain? must be raising politicians!!!


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Patrick James
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The chimps did it!

After seventeen years of tireless attempts by the eight thousand captive born chimpanzees, at the government funded Institute of California For Useless Expirements, one finally did it!
At random, one of the chimps, with no coaching whatsoever, recreated a play by William shakespeare. However upon further examination the title was found to be mispelled. Almost, guys. Good luck. It looks like the long awaited recreation will be a little longer awaited.
On a side note one of the chimps did come up with the question to the ultimate answer...


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Reagansgame
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Counting the Homeless to Help End Their Plight
by R. Safley

Today marks a great victory for Americans. Latest census reports show that the Wilcox Plan, set in motion in the late 80's, is finally bearing the fruits of its labor. America can now boast a homeless population of under 1%. With the latest addendum, homeless illegals are being released from their 6 week re-education program to live full, productive lives in their new Life Station, with less than a 30% relapse rate. The new citizens of our national community recieve the same quality government health care and take part in all of the incentive programs that are offered to any life-documented citizen of our country. Upon graduation of the re-education program and re-entry into society, the government shows no prejudice to these citizens. The issues of the humane euthinization of the more clinincal cases were resolved with a unanimous congressional hearing. Mercy will be given to those who can not function in our society with sanctioning from the Pope in these severe cases. A humane memorial to sit in the Mall less than sixty feet from the Vietnam memorial, is due to begin construction this fall, so that none of these souls are forgotten. Social Engineers agree that as long as the American public continues to work together, reporting these illegals, our children's children will only know about America's shameful neglect of the homeless population through history books.


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Reagansgame
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Snapper:

Oh that Jeff Gorbot... I'm helpless to leave the room when a rocket is turning left on the vids


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rstegman
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*Who's Orbiting the Moon?"

Horton finally found a safe place for his little friends living on the flower. With the help of the space agency, Horton's Whos are now in orbit around the moon.


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fugsspot
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*Suicide Rates at All-Time High Among Active-Duty Soldiers

Despite contradictory reports from the Formal Republican Armed Forces and the controversial advocacy group, People’s Constitutional Voice, quarterly statistics from both groups confirm that the suicide rate for Active-Duty Soldiers has increased to record highs, (26% and 48%, respectively). Major Chalmers, spokesman for FRAF continues to reassure families that FRAF views this as only a temporary spike, brought on primarily as a result of the extended War of 2092. Chalmers continues to cite the limited pool of candidates for recruitment while simultaneously placing blame on the Asian Alliance Nation for their reciprocal use of chemical warfare agents, still affecting active duty soldiers to this day. The PCV and victim’s families are demanding answers and publicly arguing that the FRAF are acting solely from self-interest and are willfully ignoring the two most common causes for the recent spike. The PVC purports to have scientific evidence that the recent and intensive training programs in upper atmosphere and low-Earth-orbit combat has caused biological changes in the soldiers that greatly increases their risk to suicide. Additionally, they state that because of the global economic fall of the early 21st century, FRAF leaders have again upped recruits financial incentives, extending them to family members, while at the same time ceasing psychological fitness exams, thus creating one the few viable means in this age for a person to provide financially for his or her family. Whether the purported scientific evidence can be validated remains to be seen as Jonothon Franks, leader for the PVC, and his partner, Cheryl Turtov, were arrested earlier today for “Activities Against the Approved Agenda” and will be detained for an indeterminant sentence.


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fugsspot
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Judge Adds Interest To Patent Violation

The Dell Patent Violation court proceedings took a new turn today as Judge Aros143 was approved by congress for the Supreme Court, stating that he is not affected by conflict of interest issues. Attorney’s released a formal statement immediately afterwards, vehemently arguing “the impossibility that the issue of this Patent Violation claim, where AI Robot Model Aros have been illegally produced as direct copies of Dell’s successful Arrow AI Model, can be judged fairly by one of the offending products since, as is mandated by legislation, our successful claim will require Judge Aros143 to submit himself for immediate destruction.”


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Tabularasa
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Name that telescope!

“It is a weirdland out there!!
Last week, I was shocked but delighted by the news of a shark stuck on a rooftop in England…I said to myself, Jimmy boy, you ain’t gonna top that article up, with anything weirder and funnier!?Right,Folks? Wrong …
As you all know by now, I love my job, when an opportunity come to me from anywhere in the world, I ll be the first right there to cat6ch the news and spill the beans, to you guys, who read my paper every week….

Recently I came across a letter from “weirdland”, about some dude who need a name for his telescope. Yes you understood me!! A telescope…Can you believe it? And then they say why i call what's out there Weirdland??

The man goes by the name of Rog, what the heck name is that, by the way?! Well he wrote to me asking, if all of us if we can come up with a name for its baby.. Frankly I didn’t believe him so I contacted Rog to go to his house and see “his baby”…I gotta tell you folks, the man is genuine I never seen anything like it, …So let’s name that telescope!!.

We got the winner name: Praehensus


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Tabularasa
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Florida Adopts Compromise Science Standards

Florida State, also knows as the Sunshine State, the land of the riches and famous has been at the center of a controversial scientific dilemma by public opinion and the world of science itself. A group of scientist for a while now, have been hosting scientific procedures, on behalf of the new hugely developed scientific lab CNTRC ( Cryogenic Nano Technology Research Centre) in Tampa …

"We needed to look at the future and what is going to be necessary for the survival of Human race!> Dr Harrison the Director and spoke person for the project which name is still under wrap; announced earlier last week, at Medical Convention in Miami (9 June 2108) …"We are glad to inform the we got ahead with the project as scheduled after advanced successful results; at this time, we cannot devolve too much, but we are proud to say we finally got a breakthrough that will change the future of our nation and the rest of world….
"Our new Nano Technology combined with our Cryogenic facilities will be able to regenerate a new set of memories implanted into the subjects brains, who have been diagnosed with psychotic tendency and therefore lethal for our society…"Dr Harrison continued: "It s for the greater good, since criminality has increased 50% in the last 5 years the government has reached the conclusion that science can become the answer to eliminate the problem radically and efficiently.. ...The controversy lies in the fact that people criminally inclined and convicts have been employed as “guinea pigs”, after the death penalty was abolished few years back in 2008…`


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Tabularasa
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Climate change 2108
Is Uncle Sam sleeping on the job?
By Henry Cohen LA Tribute Sept 15th 2108

Global warming has been a main topic for years since the nineties. The general public had no idea the cauldron of impurities and calamities we were stirring until we had a face to face with an angered Mother Nature.
A single question pop up in everybody's mind: What's the plan?
Our planet has been victimized for years at the hands of human arrogance.
Now our forests are suffering from North East as far as across United States, with an excessive number of ”infernos” that would turn the Devil pale, meanwhile more backpackers’ lives are claimed every year…Is Uncle Sam sleeping on the job? - People wonder as the resources to put these fires out have become hugely expensive and less efficient, ultimately the Government budget cuts, have made difficult to deal with all sort of weather disasters we ever had seen it before…

As a matter of fact, only last week, Florida had Hurricane Sam with 123 casualties, two months ago in Louisiana the temperature was so high the people jumped from a bridge to get in the water, in Michigan the temperature was below the norm of 14.0 degrees: "it is almost like we had gone back to the ice age>, few bystanders were talking while witnessing a seven years old girl stuck in an ice lake, almost frozen to death while she was skating.Yeah, that’s right folks, some people still do not understand the gravity of our climate situation and I am talking about the little girl mum!

Our dear Uncle Sam has chosen a god damned time to hold on his purse….a letter from one of my readers wrote to me this week


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Natej11
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Counting the Homeless to Help End Their Plight

In this morning's emergency press conference, Governor Bradford announced a sweeping census to locate and profile all vagrants within the lower precinct between Jarl High Rise and the Rio Bottoms. Bradford called the press conference following the brutal beating of Citizen John Wilhelm last Tuesday. In the nearly day and a half since that assault, Citizens have raised a massive outcry on the public forums. The third reported assault on a Citizen within a week's time, even those within the more security controlled Edmonten precinct agree immediate action is required.


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