posted
I don't know if I'll suceed because I don't have an _ in my name like Dan_Raven or Bob_Scopatz, but I'm going to attempt my complaint in true Scopatzian fashion. Please accept my humble imitation.
I don't mind Christmas really, I don't. I have issues with people gypping me for my birthday but those are personal. I can't help the fact that due to my mother's unfortunate Christmas Eve consumption of corned beef and cabbage (which I loathe to this day) I was born on Christmas Day.
My little brother and I used to put our lights up every year. Our theme was "simple but tacky do-it yourself." The problem is now, with all of the commercial decorations on the market, the tackiness quotient has soared, and the do it yourself quotient has drastically declined. I have seen Christmas decoration abominations on lawns this year that would have our gentle and dignified Mrs. M cringing with the garishness even though she's Jewish and is under no obligation to celebrate the holiday.
First on the list: these trendy rope lights that look like the love child of an electric eel and a garden hose. Please realize that if they are flashing solid Red, White and Green they appear to be a Mexican Independence Day celebration at a restaurant owned by a Jose Hernandez. They are more appropriate in that bar where you have friends in low places than on your house or in your windows. In addition, all of the pre-fabricated pre-coiled ropelight decorations of santa and stars and christmas trees just make a statment on your laziness since you weren't willing to do the work yourself to advance the holiday spirit. No, you sold out to crass commercialism when you purchased those hidous things, and are putting them on your lawn to insure your neighbors that you actually do have more "holiday spirit" than they do by one upping them.
In this same vein are the light nets. Why oh why must you put these on bushes? Imposing the artificality of straight lines and orderly rows on any bush except W. is a crime against nature. The rainbow ones are particularly the worst because you can see the straight lines of each color runing along the poor shrub like skunk stripes. They look like they would be more at home in a gay pride parade with these than celebrating the Christmas season. These throw nets also have the intent of making it look like you did a lot of work getting every light in place. Well we can see through it, they are ugly and we know you are just plain lazy and trying to take a shortcut for doing things the old fashioned way!
The last thing is a decoration that is not only ugly but trite and reduntant as they are on nearly every lawn as they are bought to keep up with the Jones'. They have me contemplating going out and buying a shotgun and indulging in a hunting spree. The culprit would be those wire deer coveredn in lights that look like topiary frames. Well guess what guys, the whole point of a topiary frame is to get a topiary to grow on it. When it is just wire it is UGLY, lights or no!
Here's a salute to all of the Christmas decorators out there who haven't indulged in cheap tricks but stuck with the oldfashioned do it yourself method which is far more meaningful and in the spirit of Christmas.
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Hello, my name is Jennifer and I...I....I'm a Christmas Lightaholic.
It all started a few years ago when my husband and I bought my first house. I thought I was safe to start off with just afew strings of lights. But they're addicting, I say! Addicting! After that first Christmas, I couldn't help but buy every After-Christmas-Sale string I could find. And at such a bargain, who could resist? Now, I confess, I have a premade star of those rope lights. It hangs in an upstairs bedroom window, like the star of the night. And I have four nets of twinkling multicolored lights, but wait -- before you judge me a complete junkie, I don't use them on bushes. I have them zip tied together to cover the boulders in our front yard. And then there are the ribbon lights, which hug the pillars of our porch. And the swag lights that hang from the upper eve. And the garland lights that outline the stairs.
I was thinking about getting some of those new ropelights, because there's a new set out, of just green and white, which would go with my theme...mostly.
*sobs into hands* Is there any hope? I don't think I can stop on my own...
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Having spent the last 10 christmases in a neighborhood with many Mexican Americans and Homosexuals, I would say your comments could conceivably be offensive to some. Now just becuase the people had rainbow lights doesn't prove they are gay, though the fact that most flew an American flag with rainbow stripes the rest of the year would seem to indicate it.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I also have icicle lights on the roof. Yes, I suppose I could have created my own icicle effect with regular light strands, but I'm not particularly fond of heights so I prefer to limit my time up there.
BTW, every year I remind my wife not to move the ladder while I'm up there. She did that one year. It got real cold (for Florida) when the sun went down. Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Banna, I herby recommend you for an honoray __
Pooka, I suggest you post your holiday electric bill somewhere you can see it. That may be the best way to break this disgusting habbit.
I beleive that the 1 color lights, outlinging a house like candy on a Gingerbread House looks the best.
Plastic Creatures with a 60 watt light bulb look the worst, especially after they've faded and cracked.
Though running lights up half a tree is also bad taste.
I did Holiday lights for 2 years. Then I discovered how high up my roof really is, and haven't gotten the courage to go back.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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pooka, I would contend that most gay people posess fashion sense and therefore not be seen any where near those rope net lights. Plus it was spposed to be satirical! I invoked Bob_scopatz at the beginning for that reason. And I slammed on G.W. Bush the sentence before, I thought the juxtaposition was actually quite nice. I tried to write it with Caleb Varns in mind and if he is offended I will change it.
Also, probably the reason why the lights do remind me of Mexican independence day is because my childhood was spent as the only white kid in a latino neighborhood in California. I have extremely fond memories of eating their grandmother't tamales and being welcomed into everyone's homes. Jose Hernandez is the hispanic equivalent to saying "John Smith" which is why I picked that arbitrary name. I wrote the peice with all my hispanic friends in mind as well, and I know they would have been laughing too.
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ack, I knew there was a rant I had planned that I was forgetting!
I won't be surprised if there is a rash of broken limbs of children this year after they jump off the roof expecting said inflatable to cushion them a la stuntman style...
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The Christmas curmudgeon does not object to icicle lights of any sort unless they are icicle rope lights. If you make the "icicles" by hand, they turn out to be much more zig-zaggy than purchased icicle lights. If you do choose to make them by hand by doubling up on the lights the Christmas curmudgeon recommends (after trial and error) rubber bands as a quick and dirty fastener to hold them together.
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Dan, One of us must have gotten the wrong envelope from the society to promote the illusion of free will this morning. That or you mixed me up with Jeniwren.
AJ-I'm just trying to keep us politically correct. That's the most important part of the holly-day season. Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Being unable to stay in any sort of character, no matter how similar to my own for any length of time is why I don't role play. THis is most recently seenn from the schizophrenia between my above posts as both AJ and the Christmas curmudgeon. Sometimes I wish I could though!
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Well I think they're nice. Putting down anyone's attempt at Christmas lights is like saying they shouldn't bare their midriff unless they have a six pack. No, wait...
Posts: 666 | Registered: Dec 2003
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And here I was, imagining you in -30 degree weather. I have no pity. Sorry.
My house has a string of lights around the edge of the ground floor, and ridiculously few strung one-and-a-half times giant blue spruce which, when turned on, look really pathetic.
But no tackyness, right?
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Dan, just as it makes no difference for a crack addict what the going price is, neither does an electric bill that would rival that of an aluminum smelter. That is what Christmas is about, don't you see? A zillion twinkling, chasing, pulsing lights, to guide dear Santa to our humble home. The cost is of no consequence.
I do draw the line at lit up animals, especially the animated ones. Those are just garish, and could not be considered adequately satisfactory to a true addict of Christmas lights.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Personally, I prefer a minimalist approach. I just turn the porch light on and off five or six times every night Dec 23-26th inclusive. Usually leaving about five seconds between each flash.
Posts: 466 | Registered: Sep 2003
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btw, my gay, mexican-american friend from college read my piece and thought it was funny. I figure if I hit both the special interest groups with one person and he got offended over either section I would change it. Thanks JJ
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I put blinker lights on a strand that outlines the door of my dormroom, and half the supid thing blinks at a different time from the other half--and it's only one strand!!!
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The people on the corner of my street are the worst. Not only can you see their house from a mile away because of all of the blinking multicolored figures, they have a couple santas and some snowmen right next to baby Jesus and Mary! Either be religious or not, don't do both!
Posts: 981 | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote:I have seen Christmas decoration abominations on lawns this year that would have our gentle and dignified Mrs. M cringing with the garishness even though she's Jewish and is under no obligation to celebrate the holiday.
They do. Today I saw a sleigh on a lawn and instead of the usual elegant plastic reindeer, they had plastic PINK FLAMINGOS! In Richmond, Virginia! Why? WHY? I didn't even see any of these when I lived in Florida.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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at least y'all's loving SOs do NOT put Hallmark collectible ornaments commemorating Star Trek and Star Wars on your blasted Xmas tree Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2003
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Sheesh, as long as I can have a couple of normal ornaments, I'll be happy....just not a complete acttion figure set on my tree!!
Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2003
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Well I'm sure some of the Hatrack Wenches have complete sets of Lord of the Rings (LotR) action figures hanging from their trees. (Or if they don't they will now that I suggested it!) I guess Elves fit in with the Christmas theme.
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ack, noooo.... ....I want my cutesy tinsely tree, dangit.
Seriously - we decided to put a pretty enameled butterfly instead of the usual star or angel at the top of our tree. Himself's mom and sister believe that Grandma comes to them as inspiration and strength in the form of a butterfly...and butterflies are associated with marriage in my cultural/religous tradition...so it seemed apropos. :-)
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Actually, I went home over thanksgiving and my mom decided to decorate the tree. And what do you know, she pulls out DS9, a large Defiant, a large Klingon Bird of Prey, a large Enterprise D, and three miniature ships to go on the DS9 model.
Posts: 609 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
So does that make it your mother's fault you are an engineer?
Maybe it is my mother's fault too. Though she was kind of humoring my father. Their entire Christmas tree, except for the tacky ornaments we kids made when we were three, is bicyle themed. Santa and Mrs. Santa on a tandem, Frosty on a tricycle etc.
I'm no longer a Christmas curmudgeon btw, I pulled out my little fiber optic Christmas tree, that I redid the gearbox on so that the color wheel still spun but the tree didn't. (The spinning tree was cheaper than a standing still one at time of purchase.) I also hung some lights, but only inside where the only person I'm disturbing is Steve, not the neighbors.
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After my older brother developed the delightful habit of pulling the tree over, my mom created a Teddy Bear Christmas and hand-made all the ornaments, which were basically indesctructible.
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Actually, no, my mom isn't good in any of the subjects that engineers need to take in their education. I blame that on my dad, and his dad, and his dad. Only my dad managed to escape the whole engineer thing eventually. I'm not sure where this Star Trek fascination of my mother's came from. I think it was my dad originally. But the beast that is my mother's Star Trek obsession has grow far beyond anything appreciation my dad ever had.
Happy at least you have easy Christmas present ideas that you know she will like. Just get her another startrek ornament and all will be well.
Lest everyone think I loathe Christmas, which I don't, I was just grousing about ugly lighting arrangemnts, I got my mother a dog this Christmas, over my father's dull grumble, though I don't know if it will actually arrive before then or not. She is getting impatient, but since it is a toy Brussles Griffon and it has to be two pounds before the breeder can fly it from Kentucky to California.
My dad, is getting a gadget in true engineering style. He's already worn out one of these , and my mom says his second one is on its last legs. Last time the company asked him to send the broken one back to them because they'd never had one wear out before, but he kept it for parts.
My youngest brother is getting Tasmanian Devil boxers, (highly appropriate if you meet him, he's a whirling dervish) and I still have to come up with something for the middle brother, but I don't know if he wears boxers, he always used to wear briefs. He's a college student, maybe I'll just give him cash.
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Yes the Flowbee is real. My dad has used it for at least 10 years to cut hair (maybe more) He cuts his own hair and my brothers' and grandfather's hair.
He wore it out from excessive usage I guess. Really $60 every five or so years is pretty cheap in terms of haircuts.
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OMG, Andrew can never find out about this! I finally have him going to my stylist before important events (job interviews, etc.). The rest of the time he goes to Supercuts, which I plan to cure him of in the next 7 years. His hair is hard to cut because he has side cowlicks.
I think I'm going to print out that site and take it to my salon on Wednesday and tell my stylist that I'm going to get one. He probably won't believe me, but it would be hilarious if he did.
AJ - your father has paid less for a decade of haircuts than I pay for one!
edit: I did mean less. I was thinking that I pay more for one than he has for ten years' worth.
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Mrs. M, I think you mean less in a decade than you have paid for one. I could be wrong; I'm having a grammar problem tonight.
I still remember my first good haircut. My parents don't believe in spending money if they don't have to so I didn't have my hair professionally cut til I was 17. I was tutoring a hairstylist with ADD in math. She wanted to go to physical therapy school, but had to get through this math class. I managed to pull her through using some unorthodox techniques and a lot of kinesthetic learning.
Anyway, she got tired of me flying into the tutoring center with my long, unkempt, scraggly, chlorine-damaged hair flying everywhere. So she brought her scissors with her one day and gave me a professional haircut, just a dry cut, not wet or anything. It was so awesome I couldn't believe it.
Since than I've mostly sucumbed to vanity and gotten it professionally cut. Though I still feel guilty about wasting the money on myself.
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Mrs. M, I have a picture of my dad cutting my brother's hair that will be enough to make both you and your stylist cringe. If I can find it I'm going to e-mail it to you!
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That would be awesome. I love to make John cringe. The best is when he puts down his comb and scissors and closes his eyes and shakes his head.
I don't know if it will make me cringe, though. When Andrew came home from his most recent visit to his parents, he brought a picture of himself when he was 12. There are no words to describe how awful his hair was. It was somewhere between a bowl and a mullet. It was a bowllet. It didn't help that he was already six feet tall. Good thing he didn't show it to me before we were married.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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than celebrating the Christmas season. These throw nets also have the intent of making it look like you did a lot of work getting every light in place. Well we can see through it, they are ugly and we know you are just plain lazy and trying to take a shortcut for doing things the old fashioned way!
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....I want my cutesy tinsely tree, dangit.![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
