posted
I am Shvesterson, son of Tante Shvester. I am 14 years old and will be entering high school in September. My hobbies include writing poetry, performing magic, and clowning acts (i do birthday parties for children)I want people to read my poems and tell me what they think. I will post all or my previous poems here and when I write a new one, I will post it here. So if you like poetry or just want to tell me what you think I would appreciate it if you would post your oppinion. Below is my first poem: FATHER, MAN IN THE WHEELCHAIR
My father The man in the wheelchair A cripple with no physical strength Unable to breath Without a vent
The cripple When people see him They see his wheelchair A nonliving machine No one sees the man in the chair
Genius The smartest man I know Inspiration A hero who perseveres Despite the chair
Wheelchair Societies name for him Because of Dad’s weakness Seen as a nonliving machine
Cripple Wheelchair Nonliving machine No feelings Not human Words that burn like flame If I were him I would break down But he perseveres
Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I think you have a great sense of rhythm and consistency, Shvesterson.
(It is difficult to critique poems like this, because they lay so deeply on the author's soul. It is an almost too personal poem-- it makes the sensitive reader flinch to read it.)
There are a couple spelling errors that threw me out of the poem, but if you go back carefully, I think you'll see what they are and fix them quickly.
Nonliving machine is redundant. In most poetry, you want to keep it as slim as possible. (I'm a hypocrite sometimes when it comes to this.)
'Words that burn like flame' is too cliche.
The poem pounds into us that other people think that this man is non-human. What I want is EVIDENCE in the poem that they are wrong. Why does the narrator consider him human? What examples can be given in the verse?
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See, without prejudice - let's just say that this is not my personal style at all. It's a stream of consciousness, it's impying depth but depth that's understood to you. As far as I see it (and don't take m for an expert), it's got lines with different meter, and the bonds between the lines are a little weak.
Look at "Wheelchair / nonliving machine / no feelings / not human / words that burn like flame", for instance: the first four lines are fine, and well made. The use of the initial letter (Linear alliteration?) is well chosen. But look at the fifth line (of my quote) - "words that burn like flame". How does that line connect to the previous four? Is it people's words that burn in the cripple's mind? If so - state it. Is it the actual use of words in the poem itself that burns like flame? And who burns - the cripple or you?
Think of yourself as the reader, and try to make it more coherent. While I like the poem, and it has some briliant parts "When people see him / they see his wheelchair / a nonliving machine / no one sees the man in the chair". I'd drop line three, but I loved the idea of how people miss the true person.
Try to read poems by the great writers of the English Language (Coleridge, Tennyson, Yeats, Wordsworth, Donne, et cetera), and then see how you write poems. Read all the time, keep reading, and when you're done studying their poems read some more. My first poems were almost pure sludge, but I'm slowly improving. My current project is progressing well as I'm getting used to it.
Another important thing is never to rely on your muse. If you've got muse - write. But don't rely on it; write a poem once a day, or once a week, but keep writing whatsoever. If you follow the patterns of rhythm (and if you want, rhyme too), you'll find yourself doing a little more all the time. Or at least I do...
I had to do something creative for Prophets' class, and I had to dwo it about the wars Joshua had up north (burning Hatzor, et cetera). So I wrote a little Hebrew pom in a classical but funny style, and that's just how it was. I got no muse that week, but I had to write nevertheless. So I managed without muse. But that's just a little tip of mine.
I like you, so don't take my critique harshly. I only recommend some stuff I think will aid you more than a plain "lovely!" comment. I like your poem, but work on it: you''ve got short lines, and too many of them (for their length). Start by writing something short and condenced - maximum [coherent] meaning, minimal space; then go big. There's a saying that states "Milton didn't write Paradise Lost in one day" (fine! I changed the original a little, so what? ).
I feel like Tom when he commented on my first poem. I know he did it for the best, though! Trust me, I've been where you are, and you'll be great. You've just got to set a few things straight, like everyone here.
Welcome to our forum. Speak, friend, and enter.
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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If there are any negative oppinions about my previous poem give me a bit ot slack as it is the 1st poem I ever wrote. perhaps my 2nd poem (below) is better. Also from now on when commenting about my poems please include in your post the name of the poem you're writing about. Now without further ado my 2nd poem: EMOTIONS
My emotions So complex They are all mixed up I feel happy while sad And forgiving while angry How I miss the days When my feelings were simple I knew what I wanted I knew how I felt But my feelings now Unexplainable Indescribable Impossible to express My poems Just black on white Only a garbled reflection Of what I truly feel How can words Explain the unexplainable Describe the indescribable Unscramble the impossibly entangled How can people know? How I truly feel After tragedy and pain They only see the reflection Garbled Diluted Only a reflection Of what is truly real
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posted
OK - I am now going to comment on your second poem - Emotions.
You have a lovely linear division - and you chose when to split it up wisely. (I'd call in prose rather than poetry, but that's my opinion.) My recommendation is you work on punctuation in poems - 'cause otherwise you get into a bit of trouble.
Look at this:
quote: How can words Explain the unexplainable Describe the indescribable Unscramble the impossibly entangled How can people know? How I truly feel After tragedy and pain They only see the reflection
You put one question mark after "how can people know", but it should have been placed following "after tragedy and pain". The way you made it, I thought it meant "How can words [...] how can people know? How I truly feel after tragedy and pain," and following that I expected "[how I feel] is that <description of feeling>", but found "they only see <description of things they see>". Meaning, it made no sense, and I had to look at it again.
If you put punctuation, you'll get more coherence, and it will help you write your poetry in a more structured way; just like any other writing.
I'm sorry I can't comment much more, but my style is completely different of yours. As I recommended before, read a LOT of existing poetry, so you've got some poetical grounds to stand upon. Study much, and you will need much less commenting. I, for instance, barely come here asking for critique any more - I revised my own work as much as possible, and deleted my lamer poems. Also, you’ll find yourself writing better poems.
I much preferred this one ("Emotions") to the previous one ("Father, Man in the Wheelchair"). Kudos on a very elegant thought!
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People laugh at tragedy and fear They do not know what they laugh at They have never felt then They do not understand They do not know I know what they laugh at They laugh at my pain My suffering My weakness They do not understand How can they know? Without heartbreak Without tears I too used to laugh at fear I did not know But now After tragedy Heartbreak Mourning Fear And now I have feelings that I never knew Emotions that many will die not knowing Not knowing is a luxury I envy those who have it They are still able to escape They were never ensnared Their luxury is at my expense When they laugh at problems When they hide from them They make them worse by not helping Soon they will see what they hide from Only when it is too late do they learn Only when they stop hiding Will they stop the pain
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poem #4: (inspired by the movie Paper Clips) THE POWER OF ONE
One A seemingly insignificant number Yet also a powerful number A single match can ignite a forest A single person can start a revolution But only if that person believes he can A pessimistic view can douse the flame Seemingly small compared to a flame But capable of great things Like burning the forest Pessimism extinguishes the match Before a flame can rage in power Sometimes the wood takes time to catch The flame can be doused Without ever existing But with fuel of high hopes The match can burn Sparking a fire Reforming the forest Anyone can do it But only with perserverence
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Where’s the love today With so much war and murder Homicide Violence Hate Intolerance So much Too much Is it human nature to be intolerant Why do people need to kill Because others are different Does killing make one better Are those who are different evil Why can’t they see how much is the same More is the same than different But similarities are hidden inside Color voice and appearance Are all that people see They see their own They see that of others They compare Look for faults ignoring the good Begin to hate with fiery rage They begin to believe that different is evil They want to destroy it Confusing murderous bloodlust with righteous fury They see others like them They preach to them their corrupted views Soon others join forming an unstoppable evil They call themselves righteous better The master race A race of biased monsters Zombies under a corrupt master Their hate becomes who they are They become slaves to difference Soulless murderers Because others look different Intolerance is a trap So subtle Like a drug It attacks its victims slowly Telling them that they are good better than others Then it strikes Pride and prejudice are its weapon and lure Once it has you escape is impossible Bloodlust keeps you in You feel you have power when really you don’t Heed this advice so you may escape Open your mind’s eye see past the illusion Look at the inside don’t judge the outside Befriend the different Read between the lines Avoid pride and prejudice Only then can we destroy the trap
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quote: If there are any negative oppinions about my previous poem give me a bit ot slack as it is the 1st poem I ever wrote.
Hm. Do you want honest opinions, or do you not want negative opinions?
Because I'll level with you: these poems are very, very bad. But they're a promising beginning; they indicate to me that you've got an ear for words, which is about half the battle.
The other half comes from learning to use the words you're hearing. And the best way to do that is to read more good poetry.
What kind of poems do you like to read? Who's your favorite poet?
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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There must come a hardship before every gain A thorn for every rose A loss for every gain Nothing worthwhile is easy to gain There are no free rides or shortcuts The obstacle add worth to the treasure An easy gain is worthless All of worth is hard to get The thorn makes the rose more desirable The gain outweighs the loss Nothing worthwhile it easy There are no free rides to any gain If you do not try you do not gain Brave the obstacle You can do it The gain outweighs the loss
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TomDavidson my favorite poet is Edgar Allen Poe. I especially like the emotion he put into The Raven with the raven not letting him forget the loss of his wife
My favorate poem is called At My Bar-Mitzva And His. It is a very emotional piece of work about the haulocaust and appreciating what we have today.
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*nod* While I'm not a fan of Poe's poetry, myself, I can certainly understand the appeal.
If you like what Poe writes, take a look at how he puts his poems together -- the rhythm, the rhyme. Try to write a poem using the same meter, and rhyming in the same way, about a completely different subject. See if different rhythms come more naturally to you, and if different meters produce different "moods" in you regardless of the words of the poem.
"The Raven" has a fairly interesting rhyme scheme; it's a good one to practice, mainly because it's so strong and distinctive. Why do you think Poe uses what's called "internal" rhyme, instead of just rhyming at the end of every line? And why does he repeat himself so much?
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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Just a thought - over on the Writer's Side, they repeatedly remind people not to publish more than a line or two on the forum - this is to protect your work.
They suggest asking for interested reviewer's e-mail and doing critiques that way.
It can also be a valuable place to work with writer's -
Poe . . . I LOVED the dramatic readings my father would do for me of his poetry when I was young. I wish he'd still read to me, and I am parenting a child not too much younger than yourself.
posted
I'm assuming, since Shvesterson is posting them here, he doesn't intend publication. (If not, get them off, now! )
My thought is that your rhythm is beautiful, and the content can be improved by more concrete, as opposed to abstract, words.
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I got myself a second-hand anthology on English poets fo a low price. One of my best decisions in the past year. Could be very useful.
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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