posted
I'm going to be 45 years old in less than a month. So I probably shouldn't be having Mom problems. But...
My mother has this subscription to a local theater. Really cool productions. And she invites one or another of her kids (or kids in law) to shows with her. We went once to the stage version of Footloose, which was amazing. A billion times better than the movie.
Anyway, a couple of months ago, she invited me to one, and I had to cancel at the last minute. Like the day of the show. Like around the time I was supposed to leave to meet her there. I was looking forward to the show, but I had a family crisis, and there was just nothing I could do about it. I apologized as profusely as I could.
So she just called me. And this is as close as I can get to a transcript of the conversation:
Mom: Hello darling.
Me: Hey Mom. How are you?
Mom: Fine. Listen, this is going to be your last chance. I have tickets for Les Mis at the Lincolnshire for this Sunday. Would you like to come?
Mom: Be really sure, because if you can't make it, I'm never inviting you to anything again.
Me: [Moment of silence. Then another, just to make sure I'd heard right.] Oh. Well, thanks, Mom, but I don't accept invitations like that.
Mom: [Shocked] Excuse me?
Me: It's no big deal. I just don't like invitations that come with ultimatums.
Mom: It's not... I mean... well, yes, it is. You cancelled on me at the last minute last time.
Me: I know, and I'm sorry. It wasn't like I wanted to. I was really looking forward to it. I apologized at the time, and I apologize again, because it clearly didn't take last time.
Mom: I understand that, but if you want to go, you have to be sure. You really messed me up last time. If you're coming, you're coming.
Me: You know, I think I'll pass. I appreciate you thinking of me, though.
Mom: [Still clearly taken aback] Well, why don't you think about it and call me back in the next 15 minutes if you want to go.
Me: Okay, Mom. I'll talk to you later. Love you.
Okay, I've known all my life that my mother is self-centered. But am I crazy, or was that a weird conversation? Other than saying ultimatums when I meant ultimata, was I completely out of line? I mean, she sounded angry from the first words out of her mouth.
She used to tell me this story she heard told by Danny Thomas. "The Jack Story", we called it. Thomas said his car got a flat once, and when he went to change the tire, there was no jack. So he started walking towards the nearest house, which was a few miles back. As he walked, he thought, "What if they don't have a jack?" And then he thought, "Or what if they have a jack, but they don't want to lend it to me?" And then, "And then I explain to them that I'm only a couple of miles down the road, and I promise to bring it back." And, "But they say they don't trust me." And, "And I offer to leave them my wallet as collateral." And, "But they refuse, and nothing I can say will change their mind. And they even bring out the jack and hold it there right in front of me, just to taunt me." And by this time, he's almost at the house, and he strides right up to the door and slams it three times with his fist. And when the door opens, he shouts at the guy, "You can keep your stinking jack! I wouldn't take it if you paid me!"
That's kind of what it felt like. Like she called me already angry at the idea that I might blow her off again, or angry again about the last time.
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
If things went that way, of course you weren't out of line.
Although I could be wrong, I'm pretty sure you knew that though. I don't think you're looking for a reality check. I think you're looking to trash your mom online. And that's something that is out of line.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
I don't think so, there are times people need the support of others, there's always the chance "what if I am wrong?" online anomynously its possible to gain support, self confidence and help building a solution.
Posts: 1567 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I can be a real pain in the ass. Smarmy, sarcastic, etc. I can't tell with her, though. She was so affronted, and sounded so truly taken aback that I didn't know if maybe I was too icy or bitchy with her.
I am bummed about missing the show. I've never seen Les Mis, and Mom and I usually have a good time when we go out. Maybe I should have just eaten more dirt and told her that I promise nothing unforeseen would happen. Except that all I could think was, "What if something does happen?" The terms just seemed impossible.
And what really sucks is that it's not just this show. She really won't invite me to another one now. <sigh>
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
It seems clear that your mother is still hurt by your abrupt cancellation last time. Did she miss the show because you didn't go?
Short of taking someone to the hospital, cancelling at the last minute for an event for which there are tickets is very, very problematic. I suspect that still being hurt by it is not unreasonable unless there was blood involved. What can you do to make it up to her so she'll be okay?
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Perhaps you should talk to HER about it? Attempting to justify the situation after the fact doesn't solve anything. Does she know about the family crisis you had to attend to last time? Why does that one event threaten to completely jeopardize your dependability in her eyes? If she truly thinks that her being "put out" last time is more important than your family crisis, then she may very well be the problem, but you won't know until you ask her.
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Actually, my Mom called back just now. She apologized and invited me again. So things worked out.
Kat, the last time, it wasn't blood. And it wasn't an emergency in that sense at all. Our babysitter cancelled on us, and we couldn't find another one. Havah had to work that night, and we'd finally managed to find a babysitter like three days earlier. And then she cancelled on us. In the end, it was a choice between missing the show and having Havah take off from work, which we really couldn't afford.
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
That's a toughie. As someone who struggles a lot with babysitting crises over the years, I can relate, but I also see where a lot of people couldn't. Older people, particularly, don't understand what the babysitting market is like now.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Mom: Be really sure, because if you can't make it, I'm never inviting you to anything again.
Me: You understand, Mom, that when I cancelled on you at the last minute last time, I told you that it was only because I was dealing with a serious family emergency? There was nothing I could do about it?
Mom: Yes.
Me: And you would not want me to go to a show when there is a serious family emergency that I have to deal with, would you? You would have done the same, wouldn’t you have?
[At this point, if your mom doubted the genuineness of the family crisis that kept you from the last show, you could discuss that issue with her. If that really was your mom’s issue, trying to resolve that up front would be helpful. But assuming she concedes your point, the dialogue continues:]
Mom: Yes, darling.
Me: And I apologized at the time, and I apologize again. I’m truly sorry for cancelling at the last minute last time, but there really was nothing I could do at the time. Do you accept my apology?
Mom: Yes I do, darling. Thank you. [Or if she does not really accept your apology, then you need to take the opportunity to explore that issue and find out what’s wrong.]
Me: So will you please drop your ultimatum? I do promise you that I will never miss anything you invite me to unless there is a serious crisis or emergency that keeps me away. Will you accept that promise from me?
Mom: Yes, darling. Thank you. I look forward to seeing you this Sunday.
Me: Okay, Mom. See you Sunday. Love you.
Perhaps that might have been a slightly better approach, or at least yield an earnest discussion over underlying issues.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Sounds like a legit excuse to me. It´s a good thing your mom apologized. It´s tough when nobody visits you in the nursing home, I hear.
Posts: 3354 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
David G: your model conversation is pretty cool. I certainly wish I could deal with people with that level of maturity. But like most models, it might not be an ideal always attainable.
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
Seriously. Even when I'm posting on a forum and have the luxury of time, I say things I later regret.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
This isn't meant to solve anything, but...isn't apology overrated? Because it doesn't cost anything.
A: You threw eggs at my car, and slashed my tires, and kicked me in the head. B: I already said I was sorry. What more do you want?
Since it's so cheap, it's natural for it to be undervalued even if it's actually sincere, justified, etc.
The suggestion above that if Mom knew the circumstances, she might change her mind (and even if not, you gave it your best shot) ... yes. That makes sense.
In other circumstances, the offender can do a makeup. I recognize this may not fly in the general culture, but maybe it should. For example, the one who threw eggs at the car and slashed the tires could fix the car. The one who missed the theatre could invite the host to some other outing, and pay for it.
Posts: 544 | Registered: Mar 2007
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quote:Originally posted by erosomniac: Seriously. Even when I'm posting on a forum and have the luxury of time, I say things I later regret.
This is probably why I so rarely bring myself to post in controversial and hotly debated threads. The stakes are just too high for someone as cowardly as me.
Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2005
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