posted
I just realized I misstated the facts in my previous posts. Two of the episodes I described were "hit and runs." The third, with the friend, who was dressed up waiting for a meeting with a legislator, wasn't.
According to his account, he was polite and told her he had a job, and didn't need or want the money. She didn't want to hear or believe what he said, apparently. He got stuck with the bill, (note the novel use of a familiar phrase) not feeling it was worth it to chase her down in his power chair.
I do know of some pretty nasty exchanges that have occurred when someone has had their chair grabbed - or in the case of a blind person, dragged across the street without being asked. Maybe it's not the most constructive response, but I think it's a natural one to respond with anger when you get physically hurt or are actually accosted by someone.
I understand the urge to help. I was brought up to be very polite. If I'm approaching a doorway and it looks likes someone who could use help is also approaching, I try to time my arrival so I get there just before them so it's natural for me to open the door. If someone is obviously struggling in front of me, I usually just wait and when the door is fully open, hold it there so they don't have to try to fumble more to hold it open for me. If it looks like they're in extreme difficulty, I'll ask if help is needed.
Posts: 4344 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Here's another related type of encounter that probably fits in this discussion:
In all my life, no matter how run down, needy and grubby I've looked (more times than I care to dwell on), I've never had a total stranger come up to me and say they were going to pray for me.
The world is a little different for wheelchair users. The following is a very common story, although Diane's response is less than common.
Diane uses a wheelchair and she, like many other visibly disabled people, sometimes gets approached by total strangers who tell her they will pray for her. The assumption is that because she is in a wheelchair she is more in need of prayer than the other strangers they meet in the day. There's also an assumption that the disability is the issue in her life that she's most in need of getting prayers for. (When, in fact, if she's in need of prayer for anything, it's for help in living with someone like me. )
She's developed a creative answer. She says "that's nice. I'll be sure to pray for you too."
Even if the recipient doesn't understand the message, it makes Diane feel good. And I think it does create enough dissonance to maybe give the person some reason to rethink the interaction.
Needless to say, other responses I've heard friends say they give in these situations are less gentle - a lot less.
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posted
We have a man with one leg who comes into the bank sometimes. He uses a walker so the door's a bit difficult for him to manage. But when we asked him if he needed help with the door, he said he could do it. Now I think I understand why.
Thank you, sndrake, I feel like I've learned something today. And that's always a good thing. Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Fisher King . . . One of Williams's few good movies.
-o-
I once dated a handicapped girl for four years, and I learned a lot about how people view the handicapped . . . or how they don't.
And yet . . . .
That credo quoted by CT . . . there's so much there that it seems impossible to win. That credo would make interacting with handicapped people scarier. I'll be sure to avert my eyes next time I see one, so I don't have to feel guilty no matter what I do . . .
The other day, I was coming home from a night class I take. I saw a young woman with one prosthetic leg limping as she carried two briefcases and an armful of books. I walked up to her and said, "I don't mean to be rude or insulting, but would you like me to carry some of that for you?" Notice how afraid I was of giving offense, but I would have felt pretty crappy about myself if I had not at least offered. She was very gracious. She turned me down, but she assured me that I had not been at all rude or insulting.
quote:The other day, I was coming home from a night class I take. I saw a young woman with one prosthetic leg limping as she carried two briefcases and an armful of books. I walked up to her and said, "I don't mean to be rude or insulting, but would you like me to carry some of that for you?" Notice how afraid I was of giving offense, but I would have felt pretty crappy about myself if I had not at least offered. She was very gracious. She turned me down, but she assured me that I had not been at all rude or insulting.
Did I do wrong?
Ick, for what it's worth, that sounds both respectful and honestly helpful to me. It would, I believe, to most people I know who have more noticeable disabilities than I have.
Having said, that, a warning. The population of people with disabilities has its full share of jerks* (see note) - which means you could run into a person who would react angrily to what you described. It wouldn't have anything to do with the appropriateness of your own actions.
I do know people (just a couple) who get livid at any offer of assistance. Their attitude is not appreciated by most of the other people I know.
*note - term used in text above is a substitution. Anyone wanting to know the real word in question can ask for my Home to Hatrack vocabulary conversion kit, which is adapted from my Home to Work vocabulary conversion kit.
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Icarus, I'm assuming it is perfectly okay to offer help. Asking outright "would you like some help" seems like it couldn't be taken the wrong way no matter who you said it to.
To take a different situation...I learned to ask people about their needs rather than their current status. For example, I once saw a girl crying outside one of the major buildings on campus. I asked her if she was going to be okay. Not the impertinent and intrusive "are you okay." But "are you GOING TO BE okay." The point is that you show concern for the other person without being completely intrusive or demanding. Or just plain dumb...as in "I'm crying here, do I LOOK okay to you?"
Anyway, knowing you, I think you would've made the same offer to anyone who looked like they were loaded down and struggling with a bunch of stuff to carry. And if you are treating everyone the same -- reacting to the situation, not the handicap, what exactly could be wrong with that?
One way I can do that is by using myself as an example. I'm about 5' 1". When I go grocery shopping, it's not unusual for me to have to get something that is totally out of my reach.
Once in awhile, another taller shopper will see my initial attempts to get the item and offer to help. I'm always grateful. They notice the difficulty and offer to help. To me, it's simple. (I've never had someone reach over and grab it for me without asking first, though.)
Asking for help with those hard to reach items was a hard thing for me to learn to do. I used to climb shelves or even leave things rather than go look for help. (I was still grateful and accepted help if it was offered, but I didn't ask.) Being part of the "disability community" has really freed me from most of my hangups in asking for help in this and other areas.
What you described is an offer of help to any person looking in need of it. Offering help is cool. Taking "no" for an answer is even cooler. Posts: 4344 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I was in Publix supermarket the other day, it just opened and I was being a super industrial spy, shopping there to give a report back to my Mom who is the HR director for one of their competitors.
Anyway, they insisted on carrying my groceries to my car, even though I told them politely I could manage just fine. (I don't like people taking my groceries to my car, don't know why)
I noticed (because I was in spy mode) that they were carrying all the women's groceries out but not offering to carry any groceries for any men.
Then I saw a man with two young toddlers and a man with an artificial leg (he was wearing shorts, so couldn't miss it) who got no assistance.
I think an arbitrary "help women" policy is a little odd, wouldn't it be better to have a policy to help people with small children and/or disabilities? Or to offer to help? I don't like it when someone takes my buggy and starts wheeling it to the parking lot even after I've told them I don't want them to.
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quote: I think an arbitrary "help women" policy is a little odd, wouldn't it be better to have a policy to help people with small children and/or disabilities? Or to offer to help? I don't like it when someone takes my buggy and starts wheeling it to the parking lot even after I've told them I don't want them to.
I think it's pretty strange too.
The grocery store down the corner has a simple policy - they ask everyone if they need assistance after checkout is finished. Makes it easy for those who want or need it to get it and all the rest of us have to do is say "no".
Of course, since you mom works for the competitor, you're probably not wanting to warn them that their current practice is discriminatory and annoying. Posts: 4344 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Publix normally has a policy of carrying out groceries for all customers. They typically have a sign prominently displayed saying "Carry-Out Service is our policy--no tipping please." In Miami, that was the way it virtually always worked, at every publix I ever shopped at (and there have been many). At the Publix near me, I walk by that sign every time and chuckle, because I have never once received, or been offered, carry-out service.
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