quote:In any case, someone attempting to micro manage my life without explaining themselves because they think they know better is not acceptable. Not after 18 at least.
I would say that age is far less relevant to this determination than, say, whether or not you're living in your parents' house without paying rent.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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If one lives for free in someone else's home and use a service they provide, then they have a right to monitor usage of that service.
It's only reasonable.
Posts: 6689 | Registered: Jan 2005
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
quote:Originally posted by Rakeesh: Rakeesh,
quote: I clearly said I thought it was possible that something I said might change Blayne's thinking in the future.
Saying that you have no faith in something and then saying, "But it's possible," doesn't lend much credence to the suggestion that you're angling for the possibility rather than the near-certainty. I think you were pretty clear...but not the way you describe after the post, that's all. I just read it differently. And I don't think that's entirely the fault of my communication skills, either. Though you probably will disagree.
quote:(Edited The last two sentences. I'll email them to you if you like- you can be assured they were not friendly [Wink] )
Why not just say `em? It wouldn't exactly be out of left field, would it?
*wink!*
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quote:You know, it;s not like I am Blayne's biggest fan, but even I thought your comments weren't exactaly fair, Ori.
I should make clear that the same can be said of me. Hell, I'm sure Blayne would tell you himself that I'm not his biggest fan either.
I have the memory of a goldfish. So I'm not always positive of who is may or may not be my "biggest fan", I recall ClaudiaTheresa, Strangelove, Tante as supportive regardless.
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quote:Originally posted by Kwea: I thin that rather than being a mistake, his moving back into his parents house was the right thing to do DESPITE the fact that some people would call it quitting or taking the easy way out. It allowed him to save some cash and try again, hopefully learning from his mistakes.
If he doesn't it's all good to me as well.....he isn't MY kid, or someone I have to deal with except by chioce. But while he doesn't come across well often, I think that he DID learn some things this time around, and that it will be better the next time though for him. I made different mistakes than he did, but I needed to make them mself to learn anything. Maybe YOU did,'t make these same mistakes, but as you said you had to learn for experience as well.
No, I agree with you- moving home was the right thing. I think moving out the way he did was probably a mistake, but then I don't know that he has had a lot of good choices to make in that regard. I have had similar experiences, and actually probably worse, and I've just been lucky enough to not have to run home yet, although I definitely did start living on my own before I was really ready to handle it. I'm just not a big fan of Blayne's rationalizations, when anyone here can see that a lot of what goes on in his life happens because he either ignores a problem intentionally, (idealistically believing that if something is not his direct responsibility, it should by rights have no effect on him whatsoever) or is not vigilant enough to preempt things before they happen.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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I don't agree you should move out. It's just rearranging furniture (Not quite rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.) Whether it's your father or conditions in an apartment, you need to understand that your choices involve consequences and that other people have the same freedom to act as you do. You are not the one technicolor person in a world of black and white. I say this because I used to see the world somewhat like you do. Understanding that you are a special and unique human being can only really come when you understand that everyone is, including your father and any potential roommates you have.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Blayne, have you asked your dad about this yet? If you approach him respectfully you might be surprised.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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I've noticed that nobody has asked Blayne if he has looked at sites that his father would not approve of under his roof in the past. Has trust even been established? Before anybody says it, I know "inappropriate sites" can have a wide definition, but it's the father's definition that matters.
Blayne, it seems that your father has a reason for this(logical or not), but have you ever given him cause for such actions?
Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2002
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From Blayne's professed interests, I'd wager that his father may have a right to be concerned merely at the amount of time he is spending online, or at the computer. Everyone has heard the scare stories about people addicted to the internet getting wrapped up in strange worlds of fantasy, getting in contact with cult leaders or criminal conspiracies- who knows what he thinks?
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:In any case, someone attempting to micro manage my life without explaining themselves because they think they know better is not acceptable. Not after 18 at least.
I would say that age is far less relevant to this determination than, say, whether or not you're living in your parents' house without paying rent.
I'm actually trying to argue two separate points here. The one you quoted is one of them, and quite possibly the less important.
quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: It didnt go very well. Hes refusing to drive me to my College if I keep asking about it.
This, I think, is the more important issue. It would appear that his father isn't even willing to discuss it. Granted, I don't know how Blayne approached the subject or what exactly was said, but if my parents treated me the way it appears (albeit, with very limited insight of the actual occurrence), it would almost certainly cause some sort of long term resentment.
Maybe this kind of relationship is normal with most people and their parents, but not me or mine. My parents give advice and give context to it. They don't just take charge and brush off my questions as though I'm a child continuously asking "Why?".
I would say it has to do with trust, both having it and helping to establish it further. At the same time, perhaps none of this applies to Blayne's situation, I'm just making assumptions based on the very little information I have.
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
The exact situation was that I was multitasking watching/listening the Daily Show and studying for my Windows Server 2003 exam,my father took issue with my multitasking and considered me listening to music during any kind of studying or homework alone "a grand gesture of compromise". I was using my headphones so its impossible he could have heard it, but he came down "hopping mad" at seemingly at random, even knowing which of my dual monitors it was playing on, and even said that my other monitor had virtually nothing happening on it.
Sure, I should have been focusing on my Windows Server book and the practice exam on my screen, but I find it extremely difficult to focus on anything non interactive for more then a few minutes at a time, so I watch/listen to something say the Daily Show to provide something as I'm studying, otherwise I end up fidgeting, getting suddenly sleepy and tired, to hungry/bored or bored/hungry and do a snack run, or end up pacing my room. Normal people I understand can focus on something for a few hours, I have great difficulty doing so.
It is to my mind understandable of a normal parent to take issue at first glance with me "not focusing 100%", but I am furious that without asking or informing me that he either on my computer (when I'm at school, as I have a corrupted bootloader so sometimes it wont start unless I repair my bootloader etc so its on 24/7) or on the network without informing me as it seems like he has something that is intrusive and is taking screenshots or recording or something of my computer (which I paid for) all in an effort to monitor my studying habits, which is another thing I take issue with as I'm not a drunkard drug addict who is failing, my grades this semester have been consistently decent.
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Has he considered simply restricting the IPs to which your MAC is granted access? That'd solve a lot of his problems.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote: ...I find it extremely difficult to focus on anything non interactive for more then a few minutes at a time...
Out of curiosity, have you been evaluated for ADD? If so, is medication not an option for some reason?
Please don't think I'm going with the knee-jerk "Kid's got a problem, get him on Ritalin," response. I think we overuse the term to a frightening degree in America. But between your posting style and your study habits, I think you might have a legitimate chemical imbalance.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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How techy is your dad? Maybe he just has a nanny cam in your room. That sure would be a lot easier than a spy program.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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It's also entirely possible that, given that this is Blayne we're talking about, he just came down at random expecting to find that his son was not concentrating on what he was supposed to be.
The solution to this seems pretty simple to me, Blayne. Get your head down and do your work. Have you taken the Windows Server exam yet? If you put the work in this time and pass it soon, I think you'll find your parents will be less intrusive.
Look, you're a frustrating guy. The picture I get from your descriptions of your home life is not that your parents are villains bent on controlling you, but that they are trying, maybe not as wisely or well as they could, to get you off the pretty bad path you've got yourself on.
If you grew up a lot and stopped looking to be the victim in every situation and instead started taking responsibility for your life, I think you'd have a much different and much more pleasant relationship with your parents.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Has he considered simply restricting the IPs to which your MAC is granted access? That'd solve a lot of his problems.
Considering the router is located approximately 5 feet from my computer I don't think that's an option tbh.
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Why not? It's his router, right? He could put a password on it and lock you down immediately. That'd solve the problem instantly, and he wouldn't feel the need to monitor you anymore.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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What does the physical location of the router have to do with whether or not its possible to restrict your access?
Your parents seem to be genuinely concerned about you. Their methods may be flawed but I can't really fault their intent. They really should have established some clear rules when you moved back in the house. They should have said, you can move back in but we will monitor your computer activity, force you to stay on your diet, etc.
You are living in their house so they have the right to monitor you -- but they should be up front about it.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
Firstly, I'm more or less the network administrator, whenever things go wrong I'm the one they generally ask for help so it'ld be counter productive to lock out the NA from the router.
Secondly, all I need is a paper clip and a hairpin and I can reset the router to factory default settings which includes the password.
Thirdly, this isn't about what "sites" I may or may not be watching/reading/listening to when I'm studying, I could just as easily distract myself with the 9 seasons of Top Gear I haven't finished watching yet etc etc.
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Blayne, have you actually listened to anyone in this thread? Not just read their posts, but considered what they were saying?
Your parent's don't OWE you ANYTHING. They are ALLOWING you to live off of them, and the fact that they are willing to do this despite their frustrations with you shows they not only care, but have thicker skins then most of us do.
Stop blaming them, even if they have issues they need to work on. Worry about yourself, and how to get by in THEIR house, under THEIR rules, until you move out.
Or even better...ask yourself why they are worried? Maybe they have reason to be, since what you INSIST works for you hasn't worked out that well.
Maybe they know what they are talking about, just a little. Most parents arent' complete morons, and they have a house, careers, and are supporting YOU, for heaven's sake! Maye THEIR way actually WORKS?
Fair is fair. Considering how much YOU owe THEM for allowing you back in their house, I'd say they are being more than fair.
quote:Thirdly, this isn't about what "sites" I may or may not be watching/reading/listening to when I'm studying, I could just as easily distract myself with the 9 seasons of Top Gear...
Read that again. Doesn't it disappoint you that you sound proud of that?
Dude, you need to learn to focus. Your parents are trying to force you to learn, and you're pushing back against it even as you admit that, yes, you can't do it on your own.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
To an extent you are right, however, nothing gives them the right to actually spy on what is actually transpiring on my screens, its one thing to monitor network activity, its quite another to behind my back spy on me, and for that matter absolutely refuse to even answer in what way they were spying, "are you actually seeing whats on my screen?", "what program are you using", "which computer is it on", "how do you know its actually safe and not a virus?", he refused to answer any of these, at the very least as the network admin I have the right to know what is being used to ascertain how much of a security risk it is. I keep my bank and financial information on my computer.
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson:
quote:Thirdly, this isn't about what "sites" I may or may not be watching/reading/listening to when I'm studying, I could just as easily distract myself with the 9 seasons of Top Gear...
Read that again. Doesn't it disappoint you that you sound proud of that?
Dude, you need to learn to focus. Your parents are trying to force you to learn, and you're pushing back against it even as you admit that, yes, you can't do it on your own.
Nowhere did I say I was proud, I am saying I find it hard or next to impossible to focus on my work unless I have something, anything in the background to reduce my fidget factor.
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Blayne: Tom said you sound proud not that you declared that you are proud. Distractions designed to reduce you being distracted are a double edged sword. If your distraction is too good you end up ignoring what needs to be done so that you can commit to it and enjoy it more, (hatrack ironically can be that way for me).
Music is good for me because I'm not gonna stop writing just to listen more intently, but I might suddenly hear something I like and go off on the internet and try to find more of a certain band. TV is OK sometimes depending on the show, The Daily Show would not work for me as I care too much about the material. A documentary usually serves me pretty well.
Only you can decide what works and what doesn't but you have to own up to what doesn't work and deny yourself certain pleasures because they get in the way of what your long term objectives are.
I'll be honest Blayne and I am guilty of this to so don't feel angered by it, you don't strike me as the type who is particularly good at reigning in leisure for the sake of productivity.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Thirdly, this isn't about what "sites" I may or may not be watching/reading/listening to when I'm studying, I could just as easily distract myself with the 9 seasons of Top Gear...
Even if Tom and BlackBlade are completely wrong about you being or sounding proud, Blayne, the problem is still this: you're capable of being distracted from real, productive stuff by goofing off online, and it doesn't appear you recognize that that's a problem.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Something just occurred to me, and it is very disconcerting. Perhaps it isn't on the computer or network... maybe it's just a camera behind or above you.
I recall one time when I was a teenager, I was living with my mother who was living at my Grandma's house. My uncle was also living there with my cousin. One day I stumbled upon a camera hidden in a house plant in the living room and nobody knew about. It was intended to keep an eye on my cousin whom my uncle didn't trust in the least, but I took great offense at it as he couldn't choose WHO it was spying on. Needless to say, that camera was never seen again (it was apparently unplugged when the perpetrator removed it).
It isn't outside the realm of possibility that they have a camera pointing at your computer- which is far worse than snooping software IMO. I don't wanna make you paranoid, but look around really quick.
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Also, that might explain why he isn't willing to discuss it... if the truth is worse than what you accuse him of.
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I'm seriously thankful for my parents when reading how some of you think the relationship between parents and their adult children should go. Forcing someone to study a certain way? Possibly installing monitoring programs on someone's computer? Enforcing a diet? My parents treat me like an adult and trust and respect me enough to do none of those things. Of course there's still the fact of the parent-child relationship and the fact that they do have some authority over adult children, but the way Blayne's father is acting (if it happened as Blayne says) is ridiculous.
Blayne, I really hope you can find safe, affordable housing for when you go to Concordia because your home life sounds really unhealthy.
Posts: 1658 | Registered: Sep 2003
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quote:Originally posted by sylvrdragon: Something just occurred to me, and it is very disconcerting. Perhaps it isn't on the computer or network... maybe it's just a camera behind or above you.
I said that already. Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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quote:Originally posted by sylvrdragon: Something just occurred to me, and it is very disconcerting. Perhaps it isn't on the computer or network... maybe it's just a camera behind or above you.
I said that already.
>.< Sorry, I just skimmed after a certain point.
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan: I'm seriously thankful for my parents when reading how some of you think the relationship between parents and their adult children should go.
I don't know that anyone is talking about how things should go. If Blayne's parents are in fact spying on him, I doubt anyone thinks that this is optimal, but many people are saying that they are within their rights to do so.
Also, I don't think that Blayne really qualifies as being considered as an adult. I don't think of him as one and, reading through the lines of what he's posted here, I don't think his parents do either.
---
What it comes down to me is that regardless of what the actual truth of what is going on here, Blayne's got two choices. He can either fume about how unfair it is and how much of a victim he is or he can get his head down and do the work he is supposed to. Even if the former were justified, the latter option is by far the more productive one and the one that will actually lead to at least some, if not all, aspects of the situation getting better. I have little faith that Blayne will do this though.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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That depends on what you mean by "Better". In the short term, sure, things will probably go smoother if he just accepts this behavior and does exactly what his parents want him to do. In the long term, however, that action may just set up the precedent for his parents to continue treating him like that for a good portion, if not all, of his adult life.
I don't really know Blayne. I'm mostly just a lurker here unless a subject happens to jump out at me. As such, your view of him may indeed be more accurate than mine. It seems to me though, that even if Blayne DOES have maturity issues, it is now clear to me where he got them.
Maybe it's just me. I prefer full disclosure (as much as possible) and teaching by example. I don't think teaching someone by beating them into a path without even telling them what you're doing is a viable option for education.
As far as the (potential) A.D.D. issue goes, I relate with you completely. The only things I seem to be able to focus on effectively are Interests, and Obligations, and the latter is often put off until the last minute. One thing I can tell you is: Do not be afraid of the A.D.D. label. As cliche as it is, it is a real problem suffered by real people. Some kids may be misdiagnosed with it just because they don't do exactly what their parents or teachers tell them to, but the way I see it, when you notice the symptoms YOURSELF, then it's time to look into it. I'm actually in the process of trying to get help with this now, but it seems that my tendencies to procrastinate are working very strongly against me. I even tried asking my mother for help setting up a doctor's appointment and getting a subscription for Ritalin (or whatever they're giving people for this nowadays), but she told me to take care it myself... obviously misunderstanding the situation.
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Blayne, I can sympathize with the problem of concentrating without distractions. I know the feeling of restlessness and existential angst that can set in when tasked with something boring that will last more than a few minutes. I even cope in much the same ways some of the time.
All that being said, I think you absolutely need to try avoiding distractions. I know this makes it much, much harder to study. I know it's almost physically painful to be stuck there with a Win Server book and nothing else to do. You still need to learn to do it. You won't learn if you permit yourself to indulge in the style of studying you're accustomed to. It might have worked well enough to get by in the past, but it's probably not good enough to work for you in the long term.
Thing is, you're going to end up sitting at a desk where you're paid to do boring things for hours on end with very little interruption and distraction. That's why you're in school, right? Your employer will forbid video streaming, or bringing in your library of Top Gear episodes. If you're lucky you'll be permitted to use an MP3 player.
What would be really unlucky is if you end up working for a company that doesn't control and restrict Internet and PC usage much the way your dad wants to. Because then you'll be unproductive and you'll lose your job or at least fail to advance your career. *UNLESS* you learn to control it yourself first.
Yes, you can defeat whatever mechanism your dad has to monitor or control your activity. You know how to reset the router, got it. You can probably buy a high gain antenna and use a neighbor's wifi if you have to. But that'd be pointless, and it won't help your relationship with your parents, and won't solve any of your real problems.
Option list? I love making them. Here you go:
1) Learn to live with dad's restrictions, feel happy that it'll prepare you well for most employment opportunities. 2) Defeat and ignore dad's rules --2a)Work for strict employer, learn the hard way to concentrate. Maybe fail, maybe get fired. --2b)Work for lax employer, waste your time there, maybe get fired, maybe stagnate for years. 3) Voluntarily give up your distractions, and be well prepared to concentrate in any employment.
You get SO MUCH advice, and a lot of it is SO pointed and critical, that I can't imagine how you view yet more of it coming from me, but I mean well. I can relate, I think. And I think you need to look past your resentment of what your dad is doing to why he's doing it, which is intended to help you.
Posts: 4287 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Ignoring all this svada and concentrating on important stuff, how many regiments will China commit to the upcoming English campaign? For myself I am thinking in terms of 160 cav, 40 inf/art, which will be rather above my support limits, and 300 ships. Brittany has 200 ships, and I think about 160 cav in England. His African troops are a separate problem, but I suspect he'll surrender the disputed territories if we crush the English garrison and conrol the Atlantic. If not we can think about invading Morocco and blockading the Med. How's your naval range?
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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I don't know how well Blayne does at school, but in general it appears as if a lot of you are assuming that being easily distracted = bad performance. This isn't always true. I'm easily distracted but I did well in school and do well professionally because when I am fully concentrating I make up for it.
Maybe his dad is trying to "make" him learn... but this isn't the way to do it. Something like "if you get one grade less than a b next semester I'm no longer going to allow you access to the network" or "I'm going to remove the cable connection from your room" or such makes more sense to me.
If Blayne really is 18 then he isn't exactly ground-able, and the power his parents realistically have over him amounts to "live in my house live by my rules". But there's a point where you have to consider what reasonable rules are.
I guess what I'm saying is that Blayne needs the chance to prove himself or fail. The rules and consequences should be laid out, and then Blayne can try to meet expectations his way. If/when he fails there should be consequences. In my experience it's generally better to let people alter their own actions because they didn't like the consequences of those actions than to try to alter their actions yourself.
Now, it's very possible that all this has happened and Blayne has already shown himself to be incapable of being responsible... I don't know and as others have pointed out he doesn't exactly come across as the most reasoned and mature person, so we can't judge purely on his version of events.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
quote:Originally posted by King of Men: Ignoring all this svada and concentrating on important stuff, how many regiments will China commit to the upcoming English campaign? For myself I am thinking in terms of 160 cav, 40 inf/art, which will be rather above my support limits, and 300 ships. Brittany has 200 ships, and I think about 160 cav in England. His African troops are a separate problem, but I suspect he'll surrender the disputed territories if we crush the English garrison and conrol the Atlantic. If not we can think about invading Morocco and blockading the Med. How's your naval range?
Itll take me a while to move troops over but asde from the 40 cav already in theater, 120,000 troops shouldn't be difficult, will take 3 trips however. Ireland or ion Scotland?
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quote:I have the memory of a goldfish. So I'm not always positive of who is may or may not be my "biggest fan", I recall ClaudiaTheresa, Strangelove, Tante as supportive regardless.
You remind me of two of my best friends, Scott and Tim. Long story short, they both struggle or have struggled with similar things as you. Scott I grew up with, and seeing everyone think I was smart and responsible while Scott was dumb and lazy infuriated me. Scott had talents I could only dream of, but his parents stifled those talents to try to get him to be more academic, to be able to take tests and memorize things, to "be responsible." It was only when he moved out that he was able to pursue his passions with energy and zeal. Tim, my neighbor right now and future roommate (he and his wife are coming to live with me and mine next semester), also doesn't fit into the mold of success which is set, and he gets pissed off because of it. Pissed because people often disrespect him and think he's incapable (which sounds like what you're feeling like your parents are doing), even though he does put in time and effort. He just does it in a different way than professors and even fellow students think is acceptable.
All that to say, yeah, I am supportive of you. Obviously, I'm not really comparing you with Scott and Tim. I don't know you as well as I know them. But I've seen the way society, even parents, can try to force people to be something they are not and I can't stomach it. Maybe it's my own youth and naivete speaking, but I would much rather see a Blayne who struggles but ultimately finds a passion, a niche, a place to be comfortable with excellence but never complacent, than to see a Blayne who is always trying to live up to some unattainable standard set by people who have never taken the time to get to know your particular set of skills and abilities. And I know the reponse: Who better to know than parents? In my experience, especially at Blayne and mine's age, even the best parents seem to struggle shifting their paradigms to see the skills and abilities and identity their child is developing as an adult.
So yeah. I'm not saying you have an excuse to not work hard, or that you're some misunderstood pariah who gets to throw pity parties. Honestly, to be happy and successful, you're probably going to have to work harder than most.
And that's not really a satisfactory ending to this post, but work calls. Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by King of Men: Ignoring all this svada and concentrating on important stuff, how many regiments will China commit to the upcoming English campaign? For myself I am thinking in terms of 160 cav, 40 inf/art, which will be rather above my support limits, and 300 ships. Brittany has 200 ships, and I think about 160 cav in England. His African troops are a separate problem, but I suspect he'll surrender the disputed territories if we crush the English garrison and conrol the Atlantic. If not we can think about invading Morocco and blockading the Med. How's your naval range?
Itll take me a while to move troops over but aside from the 40 cav already in theater, 120,000 troops shouldn't be difficult, will take 3 trips however. Ireland or Scotland?
Scotland, I think, so we don't have to rely on your navy being able to sit about in the Irish sea. I'll put mine in Ireland and land in Cumbria, send a holding force south and we can smash his northern garrison between us. Defeat in detail ftw.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Blayne Bradley
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posted
Question, won't he see us coming if he sees 200,000 Chinese troops in Scottland? Hard to defeat someone in detail without the element of surprise.
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It's a point, but we're allied at the moment; there's not really anywhere to hide if he goes looking. Still, maybe Ireland would be better.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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