quote: 'Twas down the street one merry night, A lovely chill of air; When near my eys I spotted a sight, Momently - I was aware.
A bird above my head did fly, So swift and quick - so rare; And as I gazed throughout the sky, Perplexed I was right there.
I looked up to the Heavens, a lovely scene saw I; A sweet view of safe havens, Right there - up in the sky.
Just out of holy scripts and books, A scene so fresh and clear; I could not shake off it my looks, And thought it's near - it's here.
Before my eyes lay an array, Of clouds indigo and maroon; And through that bright night shot a ray, Right from the hidden moon.
And those clouds of darkend tones, Were dark as dark could be; Like silhouettes of heavy drones, Shone down upon the quay.
Out of a clearing through the clouds, The bright light right there shone; The spirally clouds, more likely shrouds, Made the moon a king on his throne.
Just like John's dreams, those lovely beams, Made the sea look greeny lime; And staring at those steady streams, Just took me back in time.
A dream I saw, so pure and raw, A holy, real truth; And as the Holy Spirits I saw, I sensed my own self just soothe.
And as I traced along the line, (Of time) just like a ship; I saw the reassuring passage of time, an end came to my dream.
As I saw the moonlight drift away, Now so measly dim; My face so easily lost its grace, And is now most typically grim.
I walk down melancholy strets at night, I feel so grey and dull; I feel so remote and distant, that's right, My affection is now - null.
That dream only came to me that once, I now mekly hide up in the tree; Yet from time to time I return to the trance, The bliss and the ecstasy.
quote: 'Twas down the street one merry night, A lovely chill of air; When near my eys I spotted a sight, Momently - I was aware.
It's "eyes," but you know that. More problematically, you've written "It was down the street one merry night, a lovely chill of air." Technically, this means the chill of air -- rather than chilly air, mind you -- was down the street, although not actually moving down the street.
I know this isn't what you mean to say. And for that matter, I know what you mean to say, and suspect your audience would, as well -- so you can get away with this kind of indirect, agrammatical meandering if it's necessary to your image. But it isn't, so you can't.
Additionally, "when near my eyes I spotted a sight" not only breaks your meter but makes very little sense. It's redundant -- like saying "with my eyes I saw" -- but also trite and technically incorrect, unless the sight was actually near your eyes (but not, by inference, the rest of your body.)
quote: A bird above my head did fly, So swift and quick - so rare; And as I gazed throughout the sky, Perplexed I was right there.
Is the bird rare? Are birds in general rare? Or is it rare that the bird flew over your head?
And slap you, don't make me. The bird above your head did fly? Perplexed, you were? Yoda, you are not! The seventeenth century, this isn't!
quote: I looked up to the Heavens, a lovely scene saw I; A sweet view of safe havens, Right there - up in the sky.
Saw you? *cringe* But enough of that. The problem with this stanza is that it's trying to describe something superlative, but you're stretching to make it fit your meter -- and, unfortunately, padding it with poor, generic word choices. Heaven is "a sweet view?" It's "right there, up in the sky?" The "safe havens" bit is good, though.
quote: Just out of holy scripts and books, A scene so fresh and clear; I could not shake off it my looks, And thought it's near - it's here.
Try "holy scrip" instead of "scripts," fix "I could not shake off it my looks" (which is gibberish, even though I know what you mean), and punctuate the last line correctly.
Again, you use a whole line telling us that Heaven is "fresh and clear." Perhaps better would be to tell us what's special about it, what makes it better than a cloudless day in the Shenandoah.
quote: Before my eyes lay an array, Of clouds indigo and maroon; And through that bright night shot a ray, Right from the hidden moon.
Okay. When you take this poem back, I want you to promise to remove every use of the word "right," which you're apparently inserting whenever you need an extra syllable. Stop it.
Remove the comma after "array," and put it after "clouds."
quote: And those clouds of darkend tones, Were dark as dark could be; Like silhouettes of heavy drones, Shone down upon the quay.
Dark as dark could be? How dark is that? As dark as darkness, or slightly darker?
It's spelled "darkened." But I'm not sure it's the word you want to use there, anyway.
What is a "heavy drone?" Do you mean a bee, or a Robotech battlebot? Their silhouettes are different. And, finally, where the heck did the quay come from? Weren't we on your street? You'd better not be inventing geography to make your rhyme scheme work.
quote: Out of a clearing through the clouds, The bright light right there shone; The spirally clouds, more likely shrouds, Made the moon a king on his throne.
"Right there." Right? Right. Except here it's internal rhyme, too.
In poems, clouds are not "spirally." Even if they are spirally, you don't call them spirally, especially if you're going to compare them to shrouds wrapping a king. (As a side note, do shrouds make kings? If so, how? You use the word "made," but I'd like more detail.)
quote: Just like John's dreams, those lovely beams, Made the sea look greeny lime; And staring at those steady streams, Just took me back in time.
So there is a quay. I'm sorry I doubted you. But is the water "greeny?" How is "greeny lime" different from "lime," or even "green lime?"
Remove the commas after "beams" and "streams."
quote: A dream I saw, so pure and raw, A holy, real truth; And as the Holy Spirits I saw, I sensed my own self just soothe.
The meter's broken in the third and fourth line. You can fix the fourth by removing the useless (even counterproductive) word "just."
But there's a bigger problem here. You're having a pure, raw, holy, real, true dream, in which you see the Holy Spirit(s) and Heaven and the moon as a king. And it soothes your self. But why? You've looked at the sky and it was pretty. There was a bird. But what was special, here? Where was the Holy Spirit? What made the moon a king? Are you just saying that pretty sunsets are soothing, or is there a heavenly epiphany here that you aren't sharing with us?
quote:And as I traced along the line, (Of time) just like a ship; I saw the reassuring passage of time, an end came to my dream.
Okay, the first two lines are actually great. Get rid of the comma after "line" and the parens around "of time," and you've got a nice phrase. You then torpedo the whole thing with the last two lines, which blow chunks.
If you're tracing the line of time, you do not need to tell us that you're seeing the passage of time. We guessed. And we aren't -- or, at least, I'm not -- sure why you're reassured by it. Were you worried that time was not passing as you traced it like a ship?
"An end came to my dream" is its own sentence. Let it stand. Consider rewording it, however.
quote: As I saw the moonlight drift away, Now so measly dim; My face so easily lost its grace, And is now most typically grim.
Would you say the envious moon was "pale and sick with grief?" Does it perhaps shake like a fragment of angry candy? Or is it "measly (and) dim?"
I'd switch "so" with "as" in the third line, and find a less prosaic way of wording the fourth. Your face is "most typically grim" in the same way that I can be most typically found at the pub on Thursdays.
quote: I walk down melancholy strets at night, I feel so grey and dull; I feel so remote and distant, that's right, My affection is now - null.
This is an Avril Lavigne lyric. Let her keep it. Throw this whole freakin' stanza off the quay.
quote: That dream only came to me that once, I now mekly hide up in the tree; Yet from time to time I return to the trance, The bliss and the ecstasy.
Another good reason to kill the previous stanza? Here you say you go back to the dream, which kind of makes what you just said sound ridiculously melodramatic.
It's spelled "meekly," and you should put a semicolon after "once" and a period or em dash after "tree." But while I'm at it, what is this tree that you're meekly hiding in?
The meter is weak in the first and second lines. And I think your choice of "from time to time" belies the emotional weight of what you're saying, particularly in light of the powerful fourth line.
Tighten it, spank it hard, and you'll have a poem.
posted
Tom goes into the specifics well (so well I stopped my own line-by-line analysis).
You're trying too hard and you're sacrificing imagery, impact, and clarity for rhyme and meter.
First, I suspect you're counting syllables and using dictionary stress indicators to manage your meter. Stop. Count stresses, not all syllables, and determine which syllables should be stressed by speaking the words aloud. There are lots of exceptions to the unstressed/stressed pattern of iambic verse that don't hurt the meter, but they're complicated to understand. Instead, rely on your ear.
The thing is, your meter is actually pretty good, so I think you've got a good enough ear to pull this off. Once you've got the meter nice and consistent in the first two or three stanzas, you can use exceptions to the meter to emphasize particular words, to control the reader's emotions, and use the sound of the poem as part of your image-forming arsenal.
You also might want to concentrate on only using concrete imagery (things that can be touched, seen, tasted, smelled, or heard). What is a "merry night?" Who knows. You're creating a metaphor, where one thing stands for another. What you are trying to represent is abstract, so use the concrete to engage the reader's senses.
Last, please avoid "'twas" and inversions such as "perplexed I was right there" and "saw I." They pull the reader out of the poem and add nothing.
You've got the start of something with a lot of potential here. Spend time on it, and don't force words.
posted
Thanks. I'll change it as well as I can. I'm sorry for the proofing, but I've seen weird punctuation in various poems, not to mention an actual structure of the punc.; regardless of grammar rules.
Sorry for the other proofing, I quickly copied it off a page... I do know how to spell, though.
As for the Lavigne Stansa, WHAT?! What's her original? I mean, I don't listen to her, nor do I even know she sings about melancholy streets.
Jonny
[ November 10, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
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posted
Don't "famous singers", such as Avril Lavigne or Britney Spears have people write songs for them? Besides, I never found anything special about them - those voices are EASILY edited. Wit $500 of software my voice can become as brilliant as Freddy Mercury's.
How much money can I make off it (the lyric)?
Jonny
P.S. Altogether, how's the poem for a 14 y.o. first-timer? Please note I do have an English teacher(TM) for a father...
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posted
It's very good for 14. Seriously. I was harsh -- mainly because I'm not a very nice person -- but it's excellent for someone who's starting high school.
I was being tongue-in-cheek about Lavigne paying you, too. She has her own writers, and even claims to be one of them. What I was trying to say, albeit indirectly, was that it was a badly-written and not particularly deep stanza worthy of her work.
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At my school I heard the "Oh, very nice; except I don't understand half the words and it seems a little Christian" bit. Well, very few of them ever read Chaucer, and 100% of them are Jews, like me (hey, I read the New Testament and Augustinus's stuff).
So a cheap-and-nasty ending of mine ended up as the next Lavigne verse (smart criticism of hers - by the way - I didn't get the full innuendo immediately)... I wonder what I can gain from it... [Nothing.]
Again, thanks for the careful criticism, what do you have to say about Coleridge's "Kubla Khan" (or however Mongolian isn't spellt)?
posted
I like "Kubla Khan," although I think it's far from Coleridge's best work, and I can't help wondering how much better it would've been if he hadn't been interrupted by a buzzkill. That said, there are certain phrases -- like "ran through caverns measureless by man down to a sunless sea" that totally redeem frippery like "sunny spots of greenery."
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