In a hot and unkempt concrete lair of the Somali Pirate leaders, the usual arguments go on.
"And I say," says one of the largest of the pirates, largest as in most men, most money, and most muscle mass. "We should attack again, and again. We should target the weak Americans. Teach them to fear us, to teach them a lesson. What is the worst that they can do?"
From the scarred and dirty table the ghost of John Wayne floats up. "That's a good question, pilgrim. I do believe that what you need to worry about is the Best they can do. Look up there..."
High above the pirate enclave a lone stealth bomber crosses the sky. From it a tiny dot emerges and begins falling.
"What is that?" asks a pirate. "A bomb? A nuke?"
"More dangerous that that. It Van Diesel."
Just then the dot blossoms as an American Flag parachute opens up and Van Diesel begins bragging about how he'll take on all the pirates with nothing but his shiny forehead.
A flaming bolt flashes past the parachuting Vin Diesel as another figure jumped out of the plane and...if possible...seems to be flying downward, as if he's kicking the air out of his way.
With a thud felt all over the African continent, this figure hits the ground. And it stands up to reveal Chuck Norris.
"I hate a show off." says Vin Diesel
Chuck Norris round kicks Somalia and every pirate in the country falls to the ground.
It takes just a few moments for the pirates to regain their feet, but that's enough time for the rest of the Hollywood Hero Brigade to launch their attacks.
Samuel Jackson is in the back of a speed boat, with twin 50 caliber Machine Guns aimed at a fleet of pirate ships. "I'm tired of these #@$@#$@#$ pirates in this @#$@#$@# ocean!" he yells as he begins sinking the fleet.
The boat is being steered by Jeff Goldblum, who is using his newest Apple laptop and a Wifi connection to disable the pirate's communications system, banking system, and somehow--their AK47s.
Jackie Chan climbs up between two ships full of sweet precocious preteen girl hostages, and manages to fight off 157 pirates using moves that are fluid, silly, and involve lots of crouch kicks by the little girls.
Jack Baur runs ashore and grabs a pirate by the neck. "Where's the bomb!" he yells, shaking the scared pirate. "Where's the bomb." Realizing that he has just broken the neck of the pirate, he runs to the next nearest one and repeats. They have no idea what bomb he is referring too.
Wesley Snipes steps ashore with two large pistols blazing at the pirates, and the swords from his Blade movies strapped to his back. The pirates run in panic from his sheer awesomeness.
From the riptides Sylvester Stallone stands, water pouring off his head as bullets pour out of the machine gun he swings like a scythe. "Adrian!" he yells.
Johnny Depp sails in on a small sinking dingy. In one hand he swings a sword. His other hand is a series of blades--ala Scissor Hands. He exclaims, "You boys have ruined the good name of pirate. Trust me. If anyone knows about ruining the good name of Pirate, its me."
As the pirate leaders watch, and consider which of their Swiss Bank Accounts will set them up for early retirement, the ghost of John Wayne is joined by the ghost of Bill Bixby. "I think I speak for the whole Hollywood world when I say, You've made us angry. You won't like us when we're angry."
Who else is there?
Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
On a more serious note, its pointless to talk about how to handle the Somali piracy problem without talking about the larger problem of the failed Somalian state.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
You forgot Arnold, maybe Bruce Willis, The Rock, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Christopher Lambert (Highlander I mean seriously!), and Dolph Lundgren.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:On a more serious note, its pointless to talk about how to handle the Somali piracy problem without talking about the larger problem of the failed Somalian state.
Well, I wouldn't quite say it's pointless. I can imagine several scenarios in which the Somali piracy problem was largely dealt with, but the failed Somali state was not.
The simplest and fastest solution to this specific problem, I would imagine, would be to have large numbers of 'trojan horse' ships in the area. Boats which are crewed by military personnel, with a hefty contingent of soldiers more than capable of destroying any attacking pirates, but sailing in civilian vessels. Or even civilian vessels which, due to the crisis, serve as troop carriers while also conducting their ordinary business.
Every single pirate does not have to be stopped for this problem to be dealt with. The piracy itself just has to be made too dangerous and unprofitable.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
BB--I didn't forget them. I just wanted to see if anyone else wanted to play.
Rabbit--sure there are serious and practical and even workable details about this situation that we could debate and discuss. However, the odds of us being able to influence the policies of our country, and all the other countries needed to succeed, are about as great as our being able to convince Chuck Norris to round kick Somalia.
So I am just having fun here.
Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Darth Mauve: I'm not sure my literary creativity matches yours. But Arnold would be channeling Terminator (2 not 1) he'd probably drive his mack truck off a tanker and into the pirates, Bruce Willis would do something painful to his feet by not wearing shoes and blow up an F-35, The Rock would run around with a 2 by 4, Jean-Claude would run away ashamed that Chuck Norris was already setting the definition for roundhouse kicks, Christopher Lambert would talk about how he used to be a privateer back in the 1800s dealing with the Barbary Pirates of Northern Africa, the Somali Pirate chieftain would probably lose his head as he would most likely be part of the game, Dolph Lundgrun would yell "I have the power!" and proceed to fight the pirates in a terribly choreographed fight with his broadsword.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I'd favor giving the pirates bigger ships with bigger guns so they can sink the nonSomali trawlers, seiners, dredgers, and longliners fishing in Somali waters, depleting the stock so badly that the Somali fishermen can't make a decent living anymore.
Posts: 8501 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Bill Gates just showed up, hiding behind an impenetrable money shield, he carries the Vista Bomb. Once activate all computers in the area will explode. Unfortunately Somalia is not known for the density of its computer sector.
The Governator's voice cries over the heads of all around, "I have wrestled to ground the entire California legislative branch, and my wife. Do you think I am scared of you sissy boys? Oops, I have to go kiss babies for my next election, but I'll be back."
Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
They need to send in G.I. Joe. Shipwreck, Bazooka and Quick Kick would make short work of the pirates, surely.
Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Dr. Manhattan shows up, looking bored, inflates himself to 5 miles tall, steps on a U.S. commercial cargo ship, then gives the pirates gamma ray lasers because he sympathizes slightly more with them than with anyone else on the scene. Then he spends a year living as a blue whale, terrorizing Japanese whalers (oops I mean scientists).
Posts: 4287 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Then Chuck Norris round kicks Dr. Manhattan back to the smurf he originated as. (Yes, I believe that Dr. Manhattan was Angsty Smurf mutated by that magician who was always chasing them)
Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
To date, only one or two of the ships that have been taken have been American flagged. In the case of Maersk Alabama, they were silenced.
Rakeesh's idea is pretty clever, about dummy ships with troops, but I think it's the Italians that might be on to what a more likely solution is going to be. They're arming their cruise ships with Israeli private security forces who first use water hoses and then fight them when and if they get on board. I don't know how practical that will be on a larger scale, but, a sustained combined effort should really be all it takes to nip this thing in the bud.
The ships patrolling the Gulf of Aden, and the military responses to pirate activity, notably from the French and American militaries, are eventually going to convince them that it isn't worth the effort.
Creating a successful state in Somalia at this point might really be unfeasible. Ethiopia, maybe out of self interest in wanting a stable neighbor, maybe out of humanitarian altruism, or maybe because they wanted to grab some land, invaded with our blessing a few years ago and left because it was too much of a mess. Ethiopia has one of the stronger military forces on the continent, so if they gave up, especially given they covet Somali territory, I think that's a statement as to the difficulty. All the countries that have the means to attempt to create one don't have the will at the moment. It's cheaper to pay a $10 million surcharge on captured ships than it would be to spend billions on a likely failed attempt to fix a possibly unfixable country.
Warlords, pirates, Islamic councils who covet control, a neighboring largely Christian power with a lot of shiny guns and planes and a still cooling post civil war atmosphere with multiple governments claiming control where both really don't have it is just a melting pot of unsolvable crap.
I think this requires a local solution, and I'm not against international support that backs them up.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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