posted
I feel a little lost and lonely at the moment...though "at the moment" is a bit inaccurate. More accurately, I've felt that way for about a month and a half now.
The community I once relied on, very heavily, for emotional support has since become a place I no longer feel comfortable being.
One of my best friends, I love dearly, but feel like I can't talk to them about certain things and those things I need to talk about are the most pressing issues I have. I feel stupid and inferior sometimes and because we're so different, we often fight over little things.
My other best friend...well, they've been otherwise occupied for a while and I don't want to complain to them anymore than I already have. Besides, they are a big reason I'm feeling so down and out.
I've tried writing in my LiveJournal to feel better but it just makes me feel worse.
I can't talk to my family...we've never been the type to talk about feelings. More importantly, I'm not the type to feel comfortable talking to anyone in my family about my feelings.
I know you all don't really know me and I don't really know you...but this is really a last resort for me.
I've become really withdrawn. I've stopped talking to everyone I talked to at the beginning of the year. I just don't have the patience for it.
I don't really know anyone at school and I'm not all that happy with school anyway. I just go through the motions; show up, absentmindedly take notes, leave, do homework with little care put into it.
I'm not sure exactly what kind of help I want and I know I was pretty vague about my so-called problems. But I guess I want to know if this funk/low point is normal.
Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Heh. I remember those types of funks. Depends on what type of funk it is... You haven't really elaborated.
I remember what it was like going to a private day school, never invited to anything (and even if I could, most everyone I knew lived 20+ miles away, which is far for a carless kid). My social life started at 8AM, and stopped at 5PM.
posted
Uhleeuh, I know it sounds like I'm stating the obvious.... but you seem depressed. Depression isn't just something that happens because you're not happy and that you can just pull yourself together to get out of.
You may need to see someone, a doctor, a counsellor. There are services available to help you through this. But don't just let it go. Let someone know, and make sure they know that it's serious and ongoing.
I spent a long time depressed without realising I was more than just unhappy. Eventually my parents moved 1000 kilometres to spend a year helping me back to an approximation of mental health, and even with that help several years ago, I've never come all the way back to what I was.
I'm not a doctor, I don't know exactly how it all works. But I do know it's worth seeking help. You don't want to feel like you do long term.
Oh. And we're here for you! Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
Well, I do agree with Bok. We can't tell you if the funk is normal if we don't have more details. Ups and downs are a normal part of life, and if you're photosensitive at all this is definately the time for the downs.
That said, I wonder about the kind of people you're surrounding yourself with. Though you might love your friends, are they good for you? Neither one you described sounds very supportive.
Are you a high school student or a college student? Counseling can be a wonderful tool; it might help to have the insight of a trained person who is also not involved in the situation.
I'm hypersensitive. If things don't go the way I expect or hope for them to go, I get upset.
I cry. A lot. And usually over stupid things.
I go through periods where I don't want to eat at all followed by periods where I can't eat enough, even if I know I'm full.
I have a short temper most of the time.
I'm in college; this is my last year. I'd love to see a counselor. I've long suspected I may need to but I don't have the money and neither do my parents.
And my friends. I wasn't really fair enough to them.
The first one is great but we're complete opposites in every way possible. We have very different backgrounds and very different views on things. This friend is often viewed by people as outgoing, kind, nice, smart, funny, everything a person could want to be. I, being the opposite, am not very outgoing, I'm honestly not very nice or kind, I'm of average intelligence, and I'm not all that funny. It's easy to feel inferior to this person.
The second person is currently on medication for a broken limb that makes them too tired to be around as much as they used to be. I leaned very heavily on this person as a confidant and now that they're not around as much, I don't know who else to turn to who I feel is my equal.
That's probably not too much better than the information I presented the first time but it's hard to name specifics without going into very lengthy detail.
Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I think my college has a counseling service. Yours probably does, too. There is probably someone you can go talk to--for no more money than you already pay to go to school. You should look into that.
posted
I think you should probably see a counselor. THey shouldn't cost anything if you use the school's resources. I've had most of the symptoms you've had, at one point or another, but it seems like you've had issues like this for a while.
posted
They don't have anyone on campus who you could talk to? Perhaps student services could be of help. It does sound as though you would benefit from some counseling - of course, we all would, wouldn't we? What concerns me most is your self-description. You seemed terribly unkind to yourself. It's almost as though you have an image of yourself set in stone. There are times when we might not behave as well as we would have liked, but it would be rather silly to make those times our self-definition, eh?
posted
Most colleges offer free psychiatric services or, at the very least, some sort of peer counseling.
Can you tell us some of your hobbies? Is there anything in the world that brings a smile to your face?
Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Similar to what SO said, while I've been don for almost every reason you've mentioned, at some point, I never thought myself completely inferior to anyone liek you seem to be.
posted
If you don't talk to the people you used to enough, then find more new people to talk to... even if it's just someone random you meet somewhere. You might meet someone cool.
Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2001
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quote: What concerns me most is your self-description. You seemed terribly unkind to yourself. It's almost as though you have an image of yourself set in stone. There are times when we might not behave as well as we would have liked, but it would be rather silly to make those times our self-definition, eh?
Short of going through my entire history, I don't know how to give you a good reason for why I see myself the way I do. Trust me, I'm not proud of it and I don't like it...but I don't know how to change. I guess a good, but simple, way of putting it is I've had more negative things said about/to me than nice things and I came to believe them.
Want an example? Here's what someone wrote about me without knowing I could see it:
this may be stupid and childish but, I really dislike Alea. She never says anything to anyone except to pick at people. Or, to say something to the, maybe 2 people, that she likes that like her.
It's annoying. It grates on me.
Want another example?
When I was forced to leave ROTC for past medical problems that conflicted with their paperwork timeline (meaning they needed me to get them information about a past problem that they knew would be impossible to gather and they wanted me to do it in 6 weeks), cadets who were supposed to be my friends spit on me, yelled at me and physically shoved me around while telling me I was weak and worthless.
Another example?
In high school, I was informed by a group of students that I was in the wrong class (an honors class) because there was no way I could be smart enough to be in that class.
A few more examples?
In elementary school I was stupid/smelly/fat/ ugly/any other mean thing the kids could think of and nothing changed in jr. high.
It's really too easy to believe it if so many people see this in me and the few who don't don't take much time to tell me otherwise. Not to say a few people don't tell me otherwise, it's just not often at all whereas the other stuff is.
quote: Can you tell us some of your hobbies? Is there anything in the world that brings a smile to your face?
I used to like drafting, reading and anything having to do with music. They just don't hold my interest anymore.
My nieces, my nephew and one of my best friends makes me smile more than anything. But my nieces and nephew are in a different city and my best friend is gone a lot because of the side affects of the medication he's taking.
quote: If you don't talk to the people you used to enough, then find more new people to talk to... even if it's just someone random you meet somewhere. You might meet someone cool.
It's not that easy for me...I'm shy and an introvert; I'm uncomfortable around most new people.
Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I've had to deal with similar issues since I was about 9 years old, so I kind of have an idea what you're going through. Take it from me, you really need to get help. Don't be like me and just live with the downs and end up getting used to being alone. It ain't fun. If your college has a medical center, go there. You are describing the symptoms of clinical depression, which can be treated. There are actually a number of things that can contribute to your problem, though, so you really do need to see a doctor and tell them EVERYTHING! For me, I have multiple sleep disorders that contribute to my problems, along with heredity and life sucking for...umm...years. So I would recomend going to the doctor, and counselling if your college offers it. I hope that helps you out some.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Just read your last post. That describes everything I've gone through, except that I had people tell me to my face they hated me. Of course I tend to come off as a little cocky and annoying sometimes, so that's more or less an explanation of that. You really should get some medical help. It's not a bad thing to be depressed. Some people have a harder time with life than others and it requires some guidance. I am going to straight out tell you now, GO TO THE DOCTOR! GET SOME COUNSELLING! And if you don't already, start an exercise regiment. I am not going to tell you, though, that the easy life lies in a little pill the doctor gives to you. That may be what you need to lift you out of the pit you're in, but true happiness lies with you and your view of yourself. Something I've just realized in the past couple days, it doesn't matter at all what the people in your youth thought, you're not the same person now that you were then. One of my new favorite movie quotes is from Forrest Gump, "You've got to put the past behind you before you can move on". I realize it's probably hard to put down a decade or more of painful history, after all, everything you are is written in those years, but life should amount to more than what people saw you as when you were a child. You are a child for 20 years, you are your own person for 50. Remember that.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Some of the things you posted sound very familiar to me. I was teased all throughout school, although I think it wasn't so bad in high school because there I was mostly ignored. I never lived up to my potential. At 21, I married someone who wasn't a member of my church - actually someone who I thought was pretty much the exact opposite of my father, but who has said some of the same things my father has said. There's a whole 'nother thread there - no sexual abuse, but he did use a belt for punishment sometimes and the emotional trauma of feeling like my father will never be satisfied with anything I do, no matter how hard I try is still an issue.
I have been overweight most of my life. It was as though I went from a size 14 in girls clothes directly to a size 14 in misses.
I am a terrible housekeeper. I don't make sure my kids get their homework done because I work evenings and often don't see them after they go to school. (Although it's 9:53 p.m. and my 11-year-old is finishing her math now.)
With all of these things, I still feel a bit positive. I am considering looking for a new job, although I hate job searching. I think I need a job with daytime hours to be with my kids more. (Their dad is here, but he is too busy on the computer to make sure the homework is done.)
After being inactive in church for so long, even to the point where the first time I attended church this year was Mother's Day, I am a Sunday school teacher. (I guess they want to be sure I'm there more often.)
I am employed in a job that I love and am good at. So, if I decide to change jobs, I have that experience.
My kids are really, really smart. One is in TAG (talented and gifted) program. The other one can take a test early next year for evaluation.
I sometimes blog to get my frustrations out. I am not faithful at it - sometimes months will go by. Also, I started getting emails from someone I knew in high school, which made me feel kind of odd that someone I actually know was reading it - and I got inhibited. Before that, it was like telling my troubles to the wind. I could get things off my chest and wasn't worried about who read them.
I think that counseling is a great idea. Some places have a sliding scale, and you may even qualify for medicaid if your income is low enough.
And, this is a great place. I love it here. I even log in during work, which is risky. But I love the variety of people who come here. I love that there is usually a commonality of at least one thing - most of the people are here because of OSC. We find more things in common. So, hang out here and make some friends who are good people.
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
What Boris said. Looking back, I think I really would have benefitted from counseling in my life. Because I was introverted, I didn't talk about a lot of the negative things bouncing around my head and so people who did love me didn't know how to help me.
For whatever reason, I experienced a great deal of self-loathing in my youth, and depression. To this day I still have no idea why. But when someone loathes themselves, as I did, they aren't very nice to be around, and people tend to treat you in a way that just intensifies the cycle.
Not that counseling can fix everything. One counselor might succeed where another failed. Sometimes part of breaking out of the cycle is mustering up your effort, putting it towards a challanging and worthwhile goal, and experiencing success. There is one thing in particular in my life I can point to that did that for me. I do think that part of the "key" is serving others.
Best of luck to you. Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I'll second Boris' exercise recommendation. I knew someone in college who was extremely depressed and his psychiatrist told him to start running three times a week. It really helped.
Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I didn't doubt that you had a reason to have a negative self-description - from the examples you listed its clear that you've entirely swallowed other people's opinions of you. Believe me, I'm familiar with feeling down on oneself. I grew up in an incredibly abusive home and for most of my life defined myself by what was said to me.
But...there comes a point when you've got to stop listening to jerks. Even if those jerks are your family or supposedly close friends. A self-definition has to come from inside, and I am a firm believer that we all carry beauty within ourselves. Sometimes that beauty is hard to find because we have to wade through years of heaped up bullshit, but it is there. This is going to sound stupid, but make a list of all the positive things about yourself. Read that list often. When I went back to school after an almost 8 year lapse, I had a note taped to my mirror for awhile that said, "You are not dumb. You can succeed at school." Make the messages you internalize positive ones. It sounds simple, but it's also very accurate - we become what we believe we are.
posted
Oh, and one other thing. I experienced frequent depression right up until a couple of years ago. Then it stopped. What changed? The only thing I can point to was that I began taking Omega 3 fatty acids (flaxseed or codliver oil capsules) on a daily basis. I later learned that Omega 3 (or the lack thereof) has been linked in studies with depression. Let me see if I can find a link for you....
Here is one. If you do a search for "Omega 3 depression" you can find more. Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Alea, thank you. It took a lot of guts to let off all that steam. My senior year in college was very similar to yours. Added to the stress of trying to graduate and losing friends, I had a girlfriend everyone told me was cheating on me. Took me a year to realize they were right. I'm ultra-sensitive so all this drama really affected me. I cried often. I couldn't concentrate on work. My life unraveled. Our med center offered free counseling so I went. And it helped. I'm not saying this is the solution for you, but it's worthwhile to investigate. The greatest thing I got from my sessions was perspective. Getting out of my own head, and attacking my problems from a different angle. Sometimes all you need is that outsider's view. I called it "taking a vacation from my mind".
Cay and vwiggin are right... I'm still new here, but I've found this forum to be a very welcoming and supportive place. I'm finding I have a lot in common with many here. Maybe you will too!
posted
Uhleeuh, I know you don't really know me, but I'm very happy to listen if you're comfortable talking to me... my AIM screen name and e-mail are in my profile. Please please please don't hesitate to use them. I've been there, in the situation you're in, and sometimes just someone to listen, someone you hardly know, is enough. (((((((((((((((Uhleeuh))))))))))))))))) Best of luck, my friend. You'll get through this. Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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When you say "I am not dumb" the brain seems to not recognize 'not', so it interprets it as "I am dumb".
Better: "I am intelligent." "I am smart." "I love myself as I am." et cetera.
[/nitpick mode]
Positive affirmations made a huge difference with me, too. Because of them, I was able to conquer decades of depression permanently. As in, it's now 8 or 9 years later, and it hasn't even approached coming back. I call that cured. Keep in mind, though, that my depression wasn't chemical in origin - it was trauma based.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
If you'd like to talk to someone please either IM me, my AIM is blacwolve. Or email me your phone number at blacwolve@yahoo.com and I can call you.
Am I wrong or do you go to IU? We could get together sometime if you want.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time right now. *hug* What you describe sounds a lot like what I go through from time to time (though for me it lasts 1-2 weeks, not months) - it, likely, is depression. You've had some excellent suggestions from the other people in the thread, so let me just echo what they've said - try to get regular exercise and follow a normal sleep schedule, see if you can get in to see a counselor, and don't let other people's low opinions of you determine your opinion of yourself (it's really hard, I know). I'd be happy to talk with you if you'd like. My email's ludosti AT gmail DOT com and you can find me on AIM (ludosti). Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
*hugs* Not sure what I can say that other people haven't already said. I also know how easy it is to internalise other people's negative views of you as a person, and how hard it is to break out of that... I am so impressed that you opened up to all of us, and also at your self-awareness and your perceptiveness about other people. The people on this board know their stuff, and I know I've benefitted from following their advice - if you decide to try it out, let us know how you get on Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
When you wake in the morning tell yourself that you are a good person. Smile and say hi to people and see if there is someone that you can help. Serving others is a good way to make yourself feel better. And like most others have said see about getting some counseling.
Posts: 747 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Uhleeuh, this is tough stuff. I'm glad you opened up here and are getting such great advice from people who've been exactly where you are. You aren't alone.
Can you get it together enough to call the university counselling center or medical clinic? I think just making the call and getting you plugged in will make things a lot better.
posted
Thank you, everyone, for all the advice and concern.
I don't know how much exercise would help seeing as I already go to the gym at least 3 times a week for no less than a half an hour each time.
I did look up counseling at my school. I can get a free consultation but actual counseling sessions, on my own or in a group, costs money. If I can work up the courage, I'll try to at least do the consultation to see what my options are as far as payments are concerned. Even $10 visits, which is the cost at the health clinic for regular doctor visits, is too much money for me. I'm only making it financially right now because I'm using my credit card which only has a $500 limit, and if I did the math right, I won't even have enough to pay for my bills for the remainder of the year and won't see any money until I get my scholarships at the beginning of next semester-and the way it works, I'll be paying off my credit card debt from this semester with my scholarship money only to fall back into it next semester. My parents can't pay; my mom is currently helping support both of my older brothers' families and paying for my little brother to go to school while trying to support herself on a little more than $2000 a month. My dad is worthless when it comes to helping me out. He still hasn't given me my insurance information that I've asked for repeatedly for the past two months and once when I asked for financial help to stay in my apartment, he told me he'd help and left me high and dry, not to mention scrambling to come up with money after I received a notice telling me I'd be evicted in 5 days if I didn't pay. He's just too unreliable, not to mention at least $12,000 in credit card debt the last I heard.
So...thank you all for the support. I know I must seem like a giant brat complaining so much and trying to justify it...but I appreciate the kind comments and offers for talking. I'll likely take you all up on that, if really don't mind. Phanto was already really great about listening and didn't make me feel stupid for needing to talk, so I'm not too scared to try it again with more Hatrackers. Oh, and I go to UofAZ, blacwolve, so thanks for the offer to meet up but I don't think that'll work Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2004
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What concerns me most is your self-description. You seemed terribly unkind to yourself. It's almost as though you have an image of yourself set in stone. There are times when we might not behave as well as we would have liked, but it would be rather silly to make those times our self-definition, eh? ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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