posted
I started college back in August with high hopes. I had left a great set of friends, but I was prepared for the challenges that lay ahead. It was exciting and scary and I was ready for the chhange.
Life, on the other hand, had different expectations. You see, I had just completely surgery to remove my thyroid 2 weeks before I started college. I had found out I had thyroid cancer the day after I graduated from highschool and spent the summer sleeping and trying to prepare myself for this surgery. When it finally occurred I was somewhat relieved but I was also very weak. Surgery will do that to you. I spent two weeks recooperating and trying to get myself ready for college.
When I got to college things were a lot harder than I expected. I was tired all the time and constantly took naps. I couldn't participate in my orientation because it required a lot of walking and I wasn't up for it. So, in short, I made no friend the first few weeks and was miserable.
The next few weeks were a little better as I made one or two friends that I could spend my time with, but college never really got much better for me. I wasn't really interested in my classes and it seemed like everyone had already broken into their groups and needed no more friends. To make things worse, I'm not a partier. I've never felt the need to go to a party to get wasted and pass out. It just didn't seem like fun to me. So naturally, I didn't make many more friends, and college wasn't the place I had been excited for originally.
This weekend I came home for my highschool play. I was a huge theater geek in highschool, so this was important to me. A few of my friends from highschool came back as well for the same reason. We all decided to go out to dinner to catch up before the play.
At dinner they all talked about how much they loved college and all of the friends that they have. They talked about the parties they had been to and all the things they had done. I felt completely left out. I felt like I had missed the entire college experience and that I was somehow doing something wrong. Everyone kept asking me how I liked college, and I hated lying to them saying that I loved it because I didn't want to get in a long discussion about why I didn't like it.
Going back to my house wasn't easy either. My parents split up the winter of my junior year, and I had been used to living with just my mom and my dog. I was used to the routines and the habits that we had formed over the past two years. It was comfortable.
Then two weeks ago my dad IMed me telling me that he was moving back in with my mom. This came to a complete shock to me as I thought my dad was going to move to California. I was confused and didn't know how to feel about all of this. I know I should be happy about my parents getting back together, but I never had a great relationship with my dad and I wasn't sure about his moving back.
So now I'm back home and my dad's here all the time and my parents are snuggling together and I don't know how to feel. I should be happy I know, but I feel like everything that I knew about home and about my friends has completely changed. I'm not happy at college and I don't feel comfortable at home. I don't know what to do anymore, but I just feel so lost.
I don't know what the purpose to writing all of this down is, but I felt that I needed to tell someone. It's too big for me to keep inside and I can't really tell anyone else. Thanks for listening Hatrack
Posts: 1789 | Registered: Jul 2003
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I have no advice for you, but I read your post and I care. I hope that things get better as the school year progresses, both health-wise and socially, and with your family. Any good vibes I can send you are coming your way. Good luck.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
You aren't missing out on the college experience, It's only been two months. Also, every new semester brings new parties, new friends, new classmates. Ask your friends how they got into the things they like. Think about clubs or a student center church you could get involved with. Or maybe plot out some things to do differently in January when the new semester starts.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I can empathize with the college part of your problems. I don't make friends easily. I don't go to parties or drink, which makes things harder. My only real advice is to find a club that you're interested in and join. It can be anything from a math/science/other academic club to a gaming club to ultimate frisbee. All it needs is to be something you're interested in that can allow you to interact with other people (interested in the same thing) on a low-key level.
As for your other problems, all I can say is good luck. Posts: 2149 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Those are all good ideas. One of the problems I've found about my school is, since I'm in DC, everything is oriented towards politics. All of the clubs offered on campus are very political. I'm not a very political person, so I don't find this very interesting. I feel like the only two things to do for fun here are get wasted and go clubbing, neither of which are enticing to me. So instead I just sit in my dorm room and watch movies. Good times.
Posts: 1789 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Remember, orientation wasn't your one and only chance at making friends. I wasn't really in a comparable situation to yours my freshman year, but I was extremely shy and didn't really make any friends till close to the end of my first semester, right before winter break. But after that, the friends I made have been the best ones I've ever had, so don't give up yet.
Have you decided on a major yet? Being a fellow theatre geek, I'd suggest maybe joining the theatre club (if one exists), since you already enjoy that. Obviously, I don't know how big your school is or what the dynamics are there, but the vast majority of college theatre students I've known are very friendly and welcoming.
Posts: 952 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I have tried to be involved in in theater. The one club I am in is the theater club, but unfortunately I haven't gotten into any of the shows that I've tried out for. I love theater and I miss it, so I keep trying, but being a freshman makes it hard to get into plays.
Posts: 1789 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Hey, don't forget the techies! Theatre does not revolve around acting.
Seriously, though - if there's any student-run productions, I'm sure they'd love having extra people help build sets, hang lights, etc. Just let them know you'd like to help, and I doubt they'll forget about you. And even if you don't know how to do any backstage stuff yet, they'll probably be more than willing to teach you. Posts: 952 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
That's a lot to deal with in a very short time. It's ok that it's not easy! In fact, I'd worry if you were having an easy time with it.
*hug*
You know, it's ok not to be really into the college scene. I never was. I never lived on campus, attended only very few on-campus events (besides my classes), and most of my college friends were people I knew from classes and studied with . . . but didn't go to the effort to stay in contact with after graduation.
But I learned quite a bit, and I got my degree.
Now, if you do want to get into the college social scene, you certainly can. It may seem like everyone's already made friends, but these things tend to shift pretty often. Especially when the new semester starts; but even before then.
Give yourself a break! You're still recovering from pretty major surgery, neh? My sister had parathyroid surgery a little over a year ago. She's doing pretty well now, but it took her a while to get back into the swing of things.
Give it some time. (((((Evie)))))
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
You're in DC? Awesome. I'm from DC (though I go to school in Michigan). There is so much to do in DC. Have you gone to the National Zoo yet? It's great (and free). There's always Rock Creek, the Mall, the Smithsonian, the monuments. Take full advantage of the Metro and bus systems. You can go almost anywhere in the area for a couple bucks.
If you're looking for more social activities, you can try volunteering somewhere. Or play on a club/intramural sports team.
Posts: 2149 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Evie, it can get better. I lived off-campus and didn't get involved - at all - with groups or clubs or anything going on on campus. I didn't know many of the other students. I wasn't into the partying/drinking/getting high scene. Instead, I made friends with a group of people off-campus who had similar interests to me. Granted, some of them were students, but not all. Some were my age, some younger, many older. I just made a point of getting involved in things I was interested in and the rest worked out. It can work out for you, too. And it helps that you're getting a lot of good advice here.
Good luck and take care of yourself!
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I can't think of a single friend I made in classes like math, science and politics.
But band/choir/sports you are pretty much thrust into friend making positions. Writing classes kinda force you to get to know the other students too.
What type of classes are you taking? It could be that is a big part of the problem.
And what is your major? Often majors will hang out. I remember it took me forever before I had the nerve to hang out in the department lounge, where I ended up making more friends than humanly possible.
Then again, as rivka said, I don't think you will really keep any of the friends. I don't keep in contact with any of my school friends, except one. I do work where I went to school though, and I keep in touch with 2 or 3 professors, but mainly only when it crosses with my job.
posted
I lived at home for all of college. I went to class, studied a lot, and spent most of my evenings at home studying or reading. I was perfectly content that way, although years later I realized that there were a lot of things I missed out on that I regret now. Still, looking back, I'm not sure if I would have changed a thing.
Oh, volunteer work or volunteer work clubs, think about that. Maybe next summer/fall.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by human_2.0: Then again, as rivka said, I don't think you will really keep any of the friends.
Hmm. I didn't think I was saying that. I didn't; but lots of other people do. My mom sure did, and she attended the same school. OTOH, the people she's still in touch with are mostly her roommates and roommates-of-roommates, or people she met up with again years after college.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Oh yeah, I should have read better. I mean, I'm not friends with any of my school friends because I haven't taken the effort. I haven't looked any up or gone to any reunions. The one friend I do keep up with keeps in touch with lots of school friends and I will actually bump into a few because of him.
Posts: 1209 | Registered: Dec 2003
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quote:"Those are all good ideas. One of the problems I've found about my school is, since I'm in DC, everything is oriented towards politics. All of the clubs offered on campus are very political. I'm not a very political person, so I don't find this very interesting. I feel like the only two things to do for fun here are get wasted and go clubbing, neither of which are enticing to me. So instead I just sit in my dorm room and watch movies. Good times."
I am in DC right now and I am no longer very involved in anything political anymore either. Graduated from college last year and love doing things that don't involve politics, lol. I like doing anything low key and do not party either. I pretty much spend a lot of my weekends hanging around two retirees at their horse farm.
If you ever want to go see a move, go get coffee, etc., I would be up for that. Tom Davidson has met me and would probably vouch that I am not some scary wierdo. : )
posted
Evie, I think you're amazing for having dealt with all you have in the past few years without cracking. Seriously.
I think what rivka said was important. It's okay to find it all hard. It sounds hard. It also sounds like you're lonely.
We just moved a few months ago, to an area where my husband knows lots of people, but I know no one. It's very wearing to see unfamiliar faces *all* the time. That'll change over time, I know, but the fact is that when I go to the mall down the street every face there is unfamiliar. I about cried when I walked into the grocery store and saw someone I knew -- our landscaper. Not exactly a friend, though he's nice enough. On weekends, we drive to our old town to go to our old church, and it's so great just to be surrounded by people I already know, whose faces are familiar where I'm welcomed as one of the gang. I really DO like my new town, but nothing beats home.
Give yourself some time and keep plugging away at trying to make friends who aren't into the party scene. (((Evie))) It'll get better.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I second the notion of searching off-campus if you're having trouble connecting on-campus; not that you should give up on your fellow students, of course.
Do you like writing? The DC NaNo group is really active, and I've met some great people at the write-ins.
Posts: 650 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I missed my own college orientation. I hung out with so many different people. Pagans, Christians, folks that liked X Files, all sorts of people. I went to little or no parties because I hate getting drunk, but I still had quite a few friends and on Friday nights I would watch movies in the computer lab either alone or with friends. You've just started. Give it some time. If your campus has a radio station, try that. Are there movies and plays at your campus? Or poetry readings? Plus, you have the advantage of being in a large city. I was in some tiny small town where there was just a couple of bars that I have never been to. Try bookstores, theatre, movies. And, if you do not feel like being social, do not feel bad.. Eveyone is different and you will make friends at your own pace.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Thanks for all the suggestions. I'm still not sure about what I'm going to do. I'm thinking about transferring, but I don;'t know to where. My home is in Massachusetts, so I would like to be closer to there, but I haven't found any good small liberal arts colleges that I liked in the area yet.
Another option is to not go to college right away either. The only problem is that my parents tell me that I have to have a plan before I can leave school. I have no plan and I'm lost as to what to do. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do. All I know is that I'm not happy here and something has to change.
Posts: 1789 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
That's sad, Evie. I'd be your friend and do stuff with you if I were closer. It'll get better though, you just need to try some new things.
Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Transferring is unlikely to help. The problem is not the school; it is that you are dealing with a lot of changes and stress.
Transferring is likely to add to both of those . . . so is dropping out. But I completely understand the "get me out of here!" urge. *hug*
Have you considered talking to someone at your school's Student Health counseling services? With so much going on in your life, it might be helpful just to have someone to talk to. Besides us, I mean.
Also, feel free to email me anytime. And any time you catch me on AIM (but I don't get on nearly as often as I would like).
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
*hugs* Just remember that this is a turning point in your life. You're not supposed to be able to get used to it right away. It DOES take time to adjust. And you'll find more friends. You can also go up to groups of people yourself, instead of waiting for them to come to you, no?
I'm sorry, though, that this is so hard. I'm also a first-year in college this year, so if you want to talk, I'd be more than happy! E-mail and IM in profile. (((((Evie)))))
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Evie ... I feel so much for you. How beastly. You may feel as though you are the only one who feels so lost, but there are others.
I know I had a horrible time in my first year at uni, I was very ill and didn't know it and ended up having to stop uni (for 3 months) all together. When I went back (having worked out why I was ill) everyone had friends and I didn't. And I still didn't have a lot of energy, so beyond classes I probably wasn't a great deal of fun.
I was given some great advise. Don't try any make your uni experience the same as everyone elses, you have to craft a uni experience that works for you. Yes it sucks having been ill and not having energy, but that is now the reality you are in.
In the end, I gave up engineering, (40 hours of lectures a week and then work in the evening was too much when still very weak and needed to sleep 12 hours a day.). I switched university, switched subject (economics - 8 hours a week), moved to a smaller town and went about building myself a life outside uni. I took up Salsa Dancing and by the end of the two years there I was dancing about 50 hours a week.
I don't know if dancing appeals to you, but it worked great for me for the following reasons. 1) As it is a partnership dance you are forced to interact with new people 2) Dancing is not compatible with alcohol or drugs, so you don't feel like an alien for not being interested. 3) It's fantastic exercise, that you can take at your own speed, so gradually as I recovered I also got fit and became stronger and stronger 4) It's sufficiently artistic to revitalise the soul!
Beyond this I resigned myself to the fact that uni wasn't going to be the time in my life when I made all my friends, so I concentrated on getting a really good degree and beating the illness. I now (3 years later) have a great job, great friends, great life. Friends have been made more slowly, mostly through work, but that is easier for me!
One more thought, if DC has lots of politics societies, could you bring yourself to be interested in politics so that you meet new people? Or to ask the question a different way, which is more important to you making friends or not being interested in politics?
I hope some of what I wrote makes you feel less lonely and gives you some ideas of things to try out.
Posts: 571 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
I wouldn't entirely discount idea of taking a year off if your school allows it. I definitely wish that I had taken a year off, and am seriously considering it for next school year (I'm currently a sophmore). I second your parents about knowing what you would do, though. Taking time off to sit at home bored would be really crappy. Have you tried looking for year-long internships or volunteer opportunities?
Posts: 2149 | Registered: Aug 2000
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