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» Hatrack River Forum » Archives » Landmark Threads » Mae's 3000 and an explanation..

Author Topic: Mae's 3000 and an explanation..
Member # 3805

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I expected my 3000 to be around the end of November, as my previous thousands seemed monthly but everything delayed me. I'm sorry.

I'm still 13 and problems are just beginning again. I realize that there are worse problems, like Wendy's son and Mooselet's surgery (which have been successful as of now) but sometimes what I'm faced with prevents me to care about anything else.

Considering this is the family time of year, I noticed I was never as happy as I would like to be. They make me waste my youth every holiday, when it's quite precious and doesn't last that long. I'm not here to complain but just to explain why I haven't been around lately and (if you talk to me on AIM) why I'm always in a bad mood sometimes.

To venture into reality is so difficult to attempt with my parents. They think opposite of me and assume that what I already do, is good enough for my satisfaction. They're wrong. I can't go anywhere with friends and do anything that I'd like anymore. They both lost their trust in me but I don't know why. It may be because I'm growing up and they are very stereotypical; so they try and prevent me from doing the "wrong" things.

Instead I do laundry at least twice a day, just sit down around the house (and they still get mad at me), when I could be outside trying to have a life. I'm in an orchestra, choir, talented art, YouthLeg, talented piano, music competitions, English competitions, writing novels and anything else to keep my occupied and not think about my life a lot. I suppose my parents are trying to keep me 'clean' but their scheme didn't work. Hate to disappoint them there but I'm already corrupted ( ).

I always have to live in boredom and confide in fantasy. If my parents can't let me create a reality world I desire, I indulge in those already made (EG and LotR). If you read my previous thread Bah Humbug, I can easily explain. Every year I hope for any signs of 'freedom' or more chances to explore the worlds I love. Yet, every year my hopes run out and I'm surviving on what is left. This spirit was all destroyed unintentionally but 'Santa' was just plain ignorant, dammit, to realize what happened.

So, I rely on my "real family" because they're all I have left in reality. (Hatrack is my home when I'm on the net) I confide, I share and everything else that would make my family jealous of them. Since their like my family, the school we go to is like my home.

There's David (my ex), Liz, Darcy (not in picture), Peter, Margo (not in picture), Tanya (not in picture) and then my bf (even though Im "too young for dating (heheh)"). We're all smart and excell in certain areas, from academics to visual arts though we consider ourselves "all idiots" , except Tanya. We know that we are not perfect and that there are always downsides, so we prefer to admit than to deny the truth. We don't care about our apearance or the appearances of some others, which differs us from the preps. We're all 'anti-prep' (except Tanya who is one by our definition) and we create our fellowship with the game-freaks, geniuses and comedians (like Toretha's sister, Robyn) hehehe. (I'll show you examples when available) As you see, I'm more lively when it comes to my friends than my family, sadly enough.

I don't regret my change that caused these difficulties between my family and I because it's who I am. They can't accept it, I guess and I'm not ready to change just for them. My 'intelligent idiocy', as I call 'it', is who I am. My friends enjoy this ego but my family doesn't. It depresses me to have to know that and being ignored when I try and improve the connection. I have to switch egos constantly. Mae is my net ego, SheilerDee is my school companion and Sheila is the depressed figure.

Anyhow, Happy New Year!

(The group picture was taken in October. I have to get some recent pictures scanned first.)

[This message has been edited by Maethoriell (edited December 31, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Maethoriell (edited December 31, 2002).]

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Member # 1227

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Maeth...congrats on reaching 3000 posts in record time!

I don't have much to say that will help regarding your parents. From my perspective, they sound like normal-to-above-normal parents. You also seem to be involved in a lot of activities.

When I was your age, we maybe had more freedom because things were different then. If I had a teenager in my care now, I'd be very concerned about their safety and would probably restrict them more than they (the teen) thought was right or necessary.

The world is a more dangerous place today than it seemed to be when I was growing up.

And, in addition, teens seem to have a lot more "organized" activities to be involved in than when I was that age. We basically were involved in riding our bikes to friends houses, fooling around most of the time, and coming home in time for supper. Very rarely did someone have to "take us" somewhere.

Sports were either through the school or on your own in the playground or street with kids from the neighborhood. Sure, some people were in Little League or Scouting, etc., but not many kids that I knew. Being involved with music meant scraping together $50 for a guitar and figuring out how to wire it through a crummy old stereo for amplification. Then, someone else would buy a set of drums (me), and another guy would get a bass. If you were lucky, someone else could afford a portable Farfisa and you had a band!!!

So, from where I sit, you may have more restrictions, but you also have a lot more parental investment in your time and activities than most of us (my generation) ever did. Having your parents take you to practice or lessons meant you were some kind of prodigy and had a shot at a professional career.

All I can say is give a little.

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Member # 3670

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Congrats on 3000 Mae! I'm sorry to hear about your family troubles but I'm glad that you have friends to be there for you at school and that you're here at Hatrack.
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Member # 4119

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Keep the faith sweetie! Life is a roller coaster.
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Member # 693

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So those are Mae's jeesh...

I've always found that the best way to escape restrictions is to conform to the restricting agency's vision of wholesome goodness until said agency realizes that you aren't a risk and eases the restrictions.

For example, my last girlfriend (er, actually, she was my last two girlfriends) had a fairly controlling mother (a worrier, too). Unlike her previous boyfriend, who flouted restrictions like "have her home by" and was actually putting pressure on her to run away from home, I played the epitome of the perfect gentleman until her mother loved me so much that I could show up unannounced, not specify any plans, and keep her daughter out until the wee hours of the morning without getting a single complaint (unless "it's wonderful to see you, you two have fun") counts as a complaint...

Nowadays, though, I don't have to deal with anyone's restrictions (least of all those of my parents). I do like this university thing.

Actually, even when I'm home I don't have to worry about that stuff anymore. I think it's partly that I'm 21, partly that I was generally a good kid as far as my parents knew, and partly that my parents and I are on exceedingly good terms.

Anyway. I think what I'm trying to say is, if you can stand to swallow your pride for a little bit, find out what your parents want and give it to them (or at least appear to give it to them). They might relent. Of course, they might not, and I could be completely off-base.

Congrats on the big 3k!

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Member # 3734

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Darn it, Mae. I was hoping to sneak past you and beat you at 3000.

As for your parents, they may be a little more extreme than my parents, but not by much. My mom was really afraid of letting me go and meet with Amka. And then it snowed. So here she was afraid that I was going to go meet an ax murderer or slide and get in a car wreck. But I really wanted to go. Took a lot of convincing though.

My dad, even though he hasn't made the best decision in his life, is the same way, which kind of means something to me. It shows me he still cares about me. Sure we still fight and talk about his issues, but I know that he loves me because he wants to know where I'm at and is concerned for my safety.

I can see what you mean though. I have thought the same thing, my older sister thought the same thing, and my younger sister is going though the same thing right now. It must be genetic.

*sigh* Sometimes I don't know if what I say ever really helps. But you know what, I think I'll still say it.

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Maethoriell, I was here before but I rather waited with my reply until the others had all given you their good advice.
Mine not needed now, so...

Nice moment to have this awful lot of posts:

Over 3000 to start 2003 with!

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Funny, I could have sworn there was a whole paragraph this morning that isn't there now.
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Member # 3805

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yup yup.. I'm sorry I wrote my 3K when I was in a bad mood.
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Congrats on 3000!

Your parents are just being parents. I doubt they really lost their trust in you, exactly; they probably just worry about you. It's what (good) parents do. My parents were very restrictive when I was 13, but it got better. I'm sure things will work out for you, too.

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Kate Emily
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Congrats on 3000.

When I was a teenager my parents didnít imposed many restrictions on me. Still I didnít feel free and happy because there was so much more restrictions that I was myself creating for me. I was a bit shy and full of complexes of various kind Ė even though I tried to hide it, sometimes with success. My parents were quite liberal for me in my teens, I think, but I donít remember actually trying to learn the limits of their patience... What Iím trying to say is that perhaps it is better to have the barriers set in the external world than in your own head.

Anyway, I wish you more freedom. Hippy New Year!

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Mae, are you the one on the right end? If so, cute! What is your ethnic background. Could your parents "overprotection" have anything to do with the cultural difference that they might have grown up with?

Let's assume the worst and it has nothing to do with that. Let's just say that it is all about you. Why do you assume the worst and chalk it all up to their having lost faith in you? Could it possibly be that they've lost faith in humanity in general and are afraid that if they let you "do your own thing", you will hurt/maimed/raped/killed by some pervert/sociopath/friend? I say this as a parent. My son often complains that I don't trust him (though he's 12 and has other problems). However, it's not him I don't trust. I don't trust the other people out there. So, yeah, he may feel I'm being overly protective by making him check in every two hours when he is at a friends house that is just down the street, or by insisting that he not go to the bathroom in a public restroom by himself, but considering that children have murdered while playing at a friends house or while in the bathroom in a public place, tough luck.

The way I see it, my job as a parent is to make sure that he lives at least till he graduates high school (in his case he will be 18 1/2, otherwise, I would have said 18.)

I'm know (trust me, I was once a 13 year old girl) that you're parents restrictions feel like the problem is that they don't trust you, but you might consider looking at it from their point of view. When you do, you might still feel oppressed ("I can take care of myself, darn it!") but at least you might not hate them as much, knowing it is love that motivates them. You might also consider that, at 13, you might not be totally aware of the danger you occasionally place yourself in.

You might consider having a conversation with them (taking the premise that they are afraid for your safety not because they don't trust you, but because they don't trust others) and ask them what it was that made them so fearful. Was it something that happened to one of them as a child? Something that happened to the child of a friend? Maybe, you might even consider asking them what their fears are. Maybe it is not fear that motivates them. Find out what it is.

Remember, most negative emotions (apathy, grief, fear, hatred, shame, blame, regret, resentment, anger, hostility, etc.) are, when you peel away the overt emotion, at their core, all fear. "Mom's yelling at me. She's mad at me. She's mad because I didn't call her and let her know I was going to be late." From Mom's perspective, she has spent the last half hour worried that you were dead in a ditch. When she finds out you aren't dead in a ditch, she yells at you. "Your irresponsible! How many times have I told you to call me if you're going to be late?" You hear, "I don't trust you to be out by yourself." What she might be thinking (subconsciously - even she may not realize what her actual emotion is) is, "She can't even remember to call when she is going to be late. How many times do I have to tell her the same thing. You know, someday she is going to be out in the world on her own. If she can't remember this simple rule, how in the world is she going to remember so set her alarm clock at night so she gets to work on time? She'll get fired from her job. She won't have any money and end up living on the streets where she'll end up getting killed by some wacko!"

It might not sound logical to you now. But even at your age, your negative emotions are fear motivated. "I hate my parents because they don't trust me!" In reality, the actual emotion isn't really anger, but fear. "My parents are stopping me from doing what I want, which means that I won't be able to have the experiences I need to do what I want later. I need them to trust me so I can go out and <insert what you think you need to do here> so that I can do <insert next step in plan here> in order to be able to <insert next step here> so that I can become <insert actual goal here>. (For example, "I need them to trust me enough to allow me to go to an out of state musical competition so that I can gain experience and recognition that might get me a scholarship at a great college, so that I can have a chance to meet people that actually might be able to help me get a shot at becoming a world famous pianist. Their distrust of me now is going to ruin all my future plans. I'll never have the life I want to have. Instead, I'm going to end up doing what they want all my life, and probably get married to some jerk and have five kids and be trapped as a housewife all my life and be miserable.") That is all fear. It manifests itself as anger at your parents, but the underlying emotion is fear that your plans for your future are being ruined now. Now, that scenario may or may not be your underlying fear, but you need to look at your negative emotions and figure out what your fear is. From there, you can come up with a plan to overcome the obstacle.

(However, I really suggest you ask your parents what their fear is and discuss ways you can compromise. They fear you being hurt. You want more freedom. Compromise, you get a cell phone and call in every hour.)

Of course, these are just my random thoughts and may have nothing to do with your situation. Take it with a grain of salt.

Congrats on your 3,000th post.

[This message has been edited by Kayla (edited January 01, 2003).]

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