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Author Topic: My 1235th post... or a random marker
Paul Goldner
Member # 1910

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Ok, so its not REALLY my 1235th post... I have another account, and everyone knows what it is (or did when I changed. It wasn't a secret).

But whatever.

I wanted to do a landmark post, and if you don't like it, you don't have to read it. Ok? Ok.

As many of the long term members know, I was suicidal for a good chunk of my life.

So, some details... and where i'm at now.

I went to college right out of high school. It was what was expected in my town. 98% of graduating seniors in Wayland, Ma, go straing to college. The other 2% are sneered at by everyone else. Sounds fun huh?
That turned out to be a mistake for me. I'd spent the previous four years dealing, or should I say, not dealing, with my parents seperation and divorce. They had been married for 20 years. I honestly think, now, that divorce is the worst thing you can do to a child. I could be wrong... but its pretty terrible, at least it was for me, as a 14 year old.
My parents never fought before the seperation. In fact, they never did much of anything. I don't remember seeing them do more then hold hands. I found out later, that they stopped having sex when I was about 8. Great marriage huh?

Well, as it turns out, my mother was sexually abused by her older brother when she was young. She repressed that memory, until I was 8, when Dave (my uncle) tried to apologize to my mother. At least he'd grown up enough to do that... unfortunately, it brought my mother's memories crashing back in on herself. She blew up at my uncle, and stopped being able to have sex with my father.

Well, for the next several years, my mother tried to use my father as a therapist. Fine. You should talk to your spouse about these things... but on the other hand, my dad is not trained to handle this sort of complex problem, and my mother needed professional help. Eventually, he stopped listening because he couldn't anymore. My mother went in search of other people to help her.

She found a woman named Gabi. Now, my current opinion of gabi is she's either Satan, or has severe mental illnesses. At the time, this was not my opinion. I liked Gabi. She can be winning when she wants to.
And she won my mother. Not really sure how, but I do know gabi told my mother she was suicidal, when they met.

My mother and gabi became good friends, and eventually, gabi basically lived with us... not really, btu she was there a lot, and we set up a bed for her to use when she spent the night. Which was at least twice a week.

Eventually, Gabi convinced my mother that my dad was "using" my mother. I'm STILL not sure what that means, since he wasn't getting sex... and she wasn't exactly the sort of house wife he probably wanted when he got married. She's NOT a house wife. Oh, she worked from home. But sh'e's not a socialite, and the housework is minimal. Anyrate... my mother decided to divorce my father, and told him when I was in 8th grade.

My parents finally seperated columbus day weekend of my freshman year in high school. I had 2 good days of being angry. I might have been ok, and gotten through that, but my best friend was away that weekend, and I couldn't get a hold of her.

So I spent the next 6 years avoiding my parents divorce.

Finally, when my social group disintegrated fall of junior year in high school, I crashed. I stopped being able to leave my room without astounding effort. When I emerged, it was 16 months later, and I had spent the intervening time failing otu of school because I couldn't attend class on a regular basis, and seriously contemplating killing myself, especially when I finally had to tell my parents, or have them find out that I had flunked out. How does one explain that? Obviously, the only way is the truth. But how do you explain to your parents, whom you love, that you have been suicidal because their divorce gave you such a fear of relationships that forming friendships was almost impossible, forget girlfriends? That was a bit trickier, especially since I didn't know it myself, at the time.

So, I've spent the last 28 months trying to pull my life back together. I've succeeded, I think.

I can't remember being happy about my life. Despite no girlfriend (I DO want to get married and have kids, and that is hugely important to me) I'm happy with what I have, and have been for over three months. To someone who can't remember any other time feeling that way for even a DAY, thats pretty huge.

I understand things about myself that can lead to a downward spiral of depression, and have learned some techniques of dealing with them. Some are as simple as, when I start feeling blue, having someone say to me "Go to bed" at 10 pm every night. Some are a bit more complex. Internal mental gymnastics are a bit hard to explain, but I've learned the techniques for putting aside worries until I can deal with them. Most of the time, at any rate.

and, I'm back on a career path. I will be in school in the fall, getting certified to teach physics.

I've learned that its OK that Gabi is a devil who wrecked my life. I dont forgive her, but I don't spend my time worrying about it, either. Instead, I enjoy my relationship with my mother, which is a relationship that does NOT involve her live-in girlfriend (gabi).

Most importantly, i've learned that life is worth living. That its a joy to be alive, and that every day is a blessing. Not necessarily from god *wink* but that each day is unique and wonderful, and to ignore that is to deny the greatest gift of all... life.

Life folks.
Thats all that matters. Everythign else is details.

"You can't have fun when you're trying to look dignified, and you have nothing to offer if you aren't having fun."

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Head Ditch Digger
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My wife has gone through something similar with her mother, though it happened after we were married. My wife had time away so the blow was not as hard. I feel for the hell you have gone through and hope for a better future.

Good Luck

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Member # 3162

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So, I've spent the last 28 months trying to pull my life back together. I've succeeded, I think.
I hope so. I know from experience that climbing out of the pit takes a long time, and is typically not a steady climb. If you ever take a step or two down, I hope you maintain your resolve to keep on climbing.

Congratulations on all you've accomplished.


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You, sir, are a better man than I. I salute you.

(That is, if the salute of a lesser man means anything. [Wink] )

In other words, what Leonide said.

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Member # 4859

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So, I've spent the last 28 months trying to pull my life back together. I've succeeded, I think.
Good for you! Both for putting the pieces back together, and for taking the time to do it RIGHT!

Life folks.
Thats all that matters. Everything else is details.

Too right!
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T. Analog Kid
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Good on ya', sir. Keep moving forward.
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I'm so very glad things are looking up for you, Paul. I'll echo everyone else and say I hope you keep moving forward. [Smile]
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Congratulations, Paul. These hard things you have learned will serve you well. Hold fast to the Rope.
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Member # 1365

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I am glad to hear you are doing so much better, and I hope things will continue to improve for you. Climbing out of depression is a struggle, and I congratulate you on your successes. Keep on using what you have learned to keep yourself "up."

Life folks.
Thats all that matters. Everythign else is details.

Thanks for reminding me. [Smile]


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Something random: I wasn't around when you changed your username, and when I came back after my long hiatus I was worried about you because I knew that you had been dealing with a lot of stuff. I was extremely glad when I realized you had simply changed your name. [Smile]

I'm so glad you got your life together. [Smile]

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Irami Osei-Frimpong
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Nice post, ev.
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Paul, you hottie, how you doin'? [Wink]

[ July 08, 2003, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: Kayla ]

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