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» Hatrack River Forum » Archives » Landmark Threads » The Soundtrack of My Life (rivka hits 1000)

   
Author Topic: The Soundtrack of My Life (rivka hits 1000)
rivka
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I have often thought that my life ought to have its own soundtrack. At many points in my life, I have felt that there was a current theme song. It's never the same one for very long -- a few months, occasionally an entire year -- and rarely does the same song repeat. Even when I return to a similar "place," it's different enough to need a new song. Sometimes they are songs that I love; occasionally they are even songs that I hate, but identify with anyway. In some cases, only a single line or paragraph resonates; occasionally the entire song seems to have been custom written for me. For the past year, I've thought, on and off, about compiling a list, and it seemed an appropriate thing to do for my landmark post.

Some of these songs are the ones I actually thought of at the time as my theme-of-the-moment; others ought to have been, but they hadn't been released yet. [Wink] And since many of them mean something different to me than they might to you, explanations have been added -- or not -- at my whim. [Big Grin]

Itsy Bitsy Spider (traditional)
I loved this song when I was little. I sang it overandoverandover. I was fascinated with that spider. No many how many drenchings he got, he didn't give up. He just waited for the sun to dry him out, and started over. Kinda neat, for an arachnid.

Cat's in the Cradle (Harry Chapin & Sandra Chapin)
My dad and I have always had a pretty good relationship. Very little of the intense arguing that happened with him and my brothers, or me and my mother. Nor was he in any way an absentee dad; but he did work a lot. On days he worked at home, he was likely to be closeted away in his office for most of the day. At some point I realized that I was like him in many ways -- personality, habits -- far more than I was like my mom. (It's a bit odd to realize that you're actually turning into your dad and your mom. [Big Grin] )

My Dear Ima (Suri Berman) My mom and I fought a lot, but I always knew that she loved me; that one of the strongest dreams she had was developing a relationship with me like the one she had had with her mother. Sadly, as an obnoxious pre-adolescent and then teenager, I was not entirely cooperative. One of the best things that happened in my life in the past 10-12 years is the gradual shift to the relationship I now have with my mom.

Oyfin Pripitchik (By the Hearth) music sung by Jan Peerce
The schools I attended were a far cry from the village cheiders (one-room schoolhouses) of Europe, but the warmth, light, and love of Torah was certainly still found in the classrooms of my youth.

Don't Let Me Get Me (Pink & D. Austin)
I was not the nicest teenager. (I like to think I've mellowed since then. Please don't disabuse me of the notion. [Wink] ) The wonder is that no one decided to squish me . . .

Tradition (Sheldon Harnick) music
Probably a big part of why I stayed pretty much under control, was the clear boundaries I had. Not only were my parents consistent and reasonable in their expectations, the standards of my religious community were fairly clear as well. Not to say that I never rebelled against them; but that in most cases, I managed to bend rules rather than break them.

Goodnight My Someone (Meredith Willson) One aspect of the community's expectations that I was all for was getting married. I used to sing this song often at night. It was something in between a dream and a prayer. (Of course, there were the ever-so-helpful adults who advised me that when I started to date I not act too smart, talk about the weird stuff I was into (sf&f, especially Star Trek), or otherwise scare potential candidates off by being too much myself.) [Mad]

Sunrise, Sunset (Sheldon Harnick & Jerry Bock) music: harp jazz
Getting engaged to a really nice guy -- who was perfectly happy with my intelligence, and was also partial to some of the same "weird stuff" I liked -- shortly after my 18th birthday, fit in nicely with my dreams. The fact that he kept trying to extend the length of our courtship concerned me, but I assumed that one he finally committed to me, any worries on that score were over. We survived the engagement, and happily started our married life. He had a good job, and I started college, with the goal of becoming a science teacher.

Underneath Your Clothes (Shakira) music

You Need Hands(Rog Irwin)
quote:
When you hold a brand new baby
You need tender hands to guide them on their way
You need hands
to thank the Lord for living
and for giving us this day

Before our second anniversary, we became the parents of a sweet baby girl. Balancing school and motherhood -- and deciding just how much balancing I was or was not willing to do -- was challenging, but ok.

Al Kol Eleh (Naomi Shemer) words in Hebrew music
In many ways, I think this may have been the most idyllic time of my life. I had a husband who cherished me for many of the same characteristics others had deemed unacceptable, and who I idolized in turn. I had a beautiful, fairly easy-going baby, who I adored. And school was interesting, and fairly manageable. True, my husband's job required long, unpredictable hours, but that was all part of the balancing act.

A couple of years went by, both of us so busy balancing our individual responsibilities that we spent less and less time together. Trying to carve out a set time to spend together during the week was difficult when he often had last-minute crises at work. I was pregnant again, and tired all the time. We started snapping at each other more, and he started spending less time at home, hanging out with friends and staying late at work more often. Mildly concerned at the subtle problems we sensed, we started seeing a therapist. We figured we just needed the equivalent of a "tune-up" -- a little help, nothing serious. At first, seeing her seemed to help.

Beautiful Boy (John Lennon)
quote:
Life is just what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
We had a son. We had stopped seeing the therapist right around my due date. Since the baby was actually born almost two weeks late, and I had a fairly difficult recovery, it was three months before we saw her again. We went back reluctantly, since it seemed therapy had stopped helping, and might actually be making things worse. After a few months, we agreed that it was no longer a good idea, and stopped seeing her. But we had dealt with some issues, and learned some techniques, and we figured we were ok.

Ob La Di Ob La Da (Beatles)
Most of the time, things were fine. Hectic, but fine. I finished up my degree. My husband had gone back to school to complete his never-quite-finished degree, and finished about the same time I did. I swore we were never going to both be in school at the same time again; and was quite happy with a break from taking classes. So he started on his masters, and I started teaching.

When Doves Cry (Prince)
With two kids, I expected him to help more around the house. But between his job and classes, not to mention all the volunteering he kept doing, he was home less. Even when he was home, he was too tired, too busy. Gradually, more tension, less talking; a pattern that spiraled quickly. We were referred to a therapist who was a bit unusual, but highly recommended. She lived elsewhere, but came into town a couple times a year. Over the course of two very intense days, she worked with each of us individually, then both of us together. She was as amazing as advertised, and I began to hope again.

You're Still The One (Shania Twain)
Relief and renewed love -- a wondrous combination that got us through a miscarriage and a new pregnancy. But as I got more tired and needed more help, he was there less and less. At work all the time -- except when he was at friends' houses, or dealing with another of the many commitments he kept taking on, in spite of my concerns. The more I asked for, the less he was there.

Well, Hello Little Stranger (Ashira)
quote:
Well, hello little stranger, entirely new
Only born an hour ago.
Just look at you.
Open up your sleepy eyes a glimmer or two.
Hey there, can you see me?
I'm the one who'll be here, taking care of you.
And all the future shines in your faraway smile
And I'll be there to guide you as you find your way.
And all the things that I will do for you,
Are things you're gonna do, for children of your own some day.

But one thing we still agreed on, and that was our kids. With the birth of another girl, we now had three.

Zing Faygele Zing music
I listened to this song a lot right around then. It was one of my kids' favorite songs (especially my oldest, whose middle name is Fagya [Wink] ).

Big Yellow Taxi (Joni Mitchell) music (Counting Crows)
quote:
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone

I could feel him pulling away from us; spending even less time at home, and not really present even when he was there. Everything I tried seemed to make things worse. I kept trying to get us back into therapy, even saw the therapist who had been so helpful before. He didn't see the point, but was fine with me going.

Running (No Doubt)
quote:
And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, let's keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

But it takes two. One of our two was never willing to talk, and made an art of denial and avoidance.
quote:
keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

But he let go . . . and separated is exactly what we got.

If You're Gone (Matchbox 20)
For a year after he moved out, I tried. Two therapists, three rabbis -- it sounds like the start of a bad joke. He was more concerned with finishing up his masters than trying to save our marriage. After all, he was sure it was over. Over and over, he said -- to me, to the therapists, to friends who tried to talk to him -- "I hear what you say, but I disagree."

Dove (Moony)
I couldn't believe this was happening. This had to be fixable. I believed in getting married for life. Short of abuse or infidelity, I had not thought there was anything that could make me agree to a divorce.

Move On (Stephen Sondheim) music
quote:
What made it all right together
Is what made it all wrong . . .
I cannot be what you want
I did what I had to do
Now it's up to you . . .
You have to move on
Look at what you want
Not what might have been
Only what could be

But staying married to someone who not only wouldn't move back in, but didn't acknowledge the self-changes I was killing myself to make, who was "too busy" to commit to spending time with me every week, was not something I could continue. Even if that year of limbo had not been the most hellish of my life, the toll it was taking on my kids was not something that could continue. Eventually, I gave up and gave in.

Believe (Cher)
People kept telling me how strong I was, and that I would be ok. I just wished I were as convinced as they were.

Sand and Water (Beth Nielsen Chapman) music
quote:
All alone I didn't like the feeling
All alone I sat and cried
All alone I had to find some meaning
In the center of the pain I felt inside

All alone I came into this world
All alone I will someday die
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby
Sand and water, and a million years gone by

When the foundations of your life -- the ones that were supposed to be made of solid, immutable stone -- crumble away, it's hard to figure out what to hold on to.

Day By Day (Schwartz Stephen ) music
Two anchors have gotten me through all the changes in my life. God and faith are one.

With A Little Help From My Friends (Beatles)
And friends -- in person, on the phone, via email, and on my boards. Thank you Hatrackers, for your friendship.

I Will Love Again (Lara Fabian) music
It's true what they say, hope does spring eternal . . .

[ September 07, 2003, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: rivka ]

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Narnia
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Oh my gosh. That was a great post. I love that you shared a bit of your life with us and I love that you did with a soundtrack. (((rivka))) We love you! [Group Hug]
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katharina
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This is one incredible, awesome landmark post. Wow! Thanks!!!! [Smile] That's wonderful!! [Smile] [Group Hug] [Smile]
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blacwolve
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That's an amazing landmark! You're one of the nicest people around! [Group Hug] [Hat]
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Ryuko
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That was cool, Rivka... That was a great landmark... (sobs)
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Erik Slaine
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What a wonderful and unique way to look at life, and celebrate it. I particularly liked the courage in the end!

Let me add a suggestion of my own: Eyes Wide Open by King Crimson:

quote:
...because you never know
What you might see...

Congratulations mien friend! Always lucid and playful, we all love to have you around here!
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T. Analog Kid
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Hits very close to home, ma'am... some of the roles are a little switched around but seems very familiar overall...

My best to you [Kiss]

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rivka
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I understand it is traditional to give out cookies to those who read all the way through a long landmark post. Since this one was SLP, I figured three cookies apiece. [Wink]

Thanks, Narnia. (((((Narnia)))))

Awww, lots of superlatives. [Blushing] (((((kat)))))

[Blushing] . Wow, that's quite a compliment! (((((blacwolve)))))

*hands Ryuko a tissue* Glad you liked. (((((Ryuko)))))

Ooh, I love being unique! [Cool] I was not familiar with that song. I found the lyrics, and they're great. Thanks! (((((Erik)))))

TAK, I had gathered that you were going through something similar. My heart aches for you, and you are in my prayers. (((((TAK)))))

Cookies all around! [Big Grin]

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Ela
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Thanks for sharing, rivka. [Smile]

**Ela**

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T. Analog Kid
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<snarfs three cookies>

thanks, ma'am

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T_Smith
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Thanks, Rivka.
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Annie
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Rivka, that was absolutely beautiful.

Lots of love and hope for you, sister. Keep being the beautiful person you are.

((((Rivka))))

love ya,
Annie

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Ralphie
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Nice twist on the Landmark idea, rivka.

Thank you for being so helpful to me when I've needed, and for being an intrisic part of Hatrack.

[Smile]

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Raia
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Aww, rivka, that was beautiful... Your music choices are perfect! I'm so glad you're here, you're such a wonderful, sweet, kind, nice, great, loving, affectionate (this could go on for some time...) person!!!

(((((rivka)))))

Congrats on 1000!

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solo
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I really enjoyed reading this post Rivka. I have often thought what the soundtrack to my own life would be but I have never compiled it. I am glad that your story here ended with hope and wish you the best.

[The Wave]

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Leonide
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rivka, you're really very awesome not only because you know obscure Sondheim songs like Move On , but also because you are an incredibly creative, loving, and unique individual. Amazing landmark post.

[Smile]

(((rivka)))

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saxon75
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You know, I've often thought of my own life as having a soundtrack. I often hear music in my head that accompanies whatever it is that I'm doing, though it doesn't always happen at the climactic moments.

Great post and congrats on 1000.

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dannyXcore
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(((((rivka))))) nice post, i enjoyed that!
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Julie
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That was a great post rivka. [Group Hug]
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rivka
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(((((Ela)))))

(((((Nathan)))))

Thanks! [Blushing] (((((Annie))))

That's the nicest way anyone's ever called me twisted. [Wink] (((((Ralphie))))) I just wish my help had been more effective.

[Blushing] Wow, Raia! [Blushing] Thanks! I'm glad you're here, too. (((((Raia)))))

Thanks, solo. [Smile] I would love to read your soundtrack, if you ever decide to compile it. (((((solo)))))

Leonide, glad to know a fellow fan of Sunday. It's such a great musical. (((((Leonide)))))

Saxon, sounds like you need to have little chat with your personal director about timing. [Wink] (((((saxon)))))

(((((danny)))))

(((((Julie)))))

*hands out more cookies*

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JaneX
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What an original way to share your life story! Great post. [Smile] The only down side is that now I have "My Dear Ima" stuck in my head - and I didn't even click on the music link! [Grumble] [Wink]

Happy 1000th! (((((rivka))))) [Big Grin]

~Jane~

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twinky
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[Hail]

What a brilliant landmark post concept!

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newfoundlogic
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Congrats Rivka.
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Zotto!
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That was beautiful and painful and wonderful and, and...

Thanks for being here, Rivka. *joins Ryu in sobbing*

(((Rivka))) Awesome awesome post. Hit very close to home. *applauds*

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Morbo
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That is one fantastic landmark post, Rivka, very moving. [Hat] I expect it will inspire others to dish out their soundtracks. I really enjoyed chatting w/ you and others last week on AIM! [Big Grin] Hope you are on AIM next time I feel like chatting. [Wave]
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ClaudiaTherese
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rivka, what a wonderful landmark. You are both creative and thoughtful, and I can't imagine anyone that has been a smoother addition to this community. Nicely done. [Smile]

(Well, between you and Erik Slaine, that is. Kind of like we were holding the party without you guys, and then you finally decided to show up. [Big Grin] )

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rivka
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Thanks, Jane. (((((Jane))))) [ROFL] Well, there are worse songs to have stuck in one's head, neh?

[Blushing] (((((twinky)))))

(((((nfl)))))

Awww, Zotto! thanks. (((((Zotto!)))))

I hope it does, Morbo, I would love to see them! See ya on AIM! [Big Grin] (((((Morbo)))))

[Blushing] , thanks CT! It's such a wonderful and welcoming community, and I am very happy to be a part of it. Thanks for leaving a light on for us! [Big Grin] (((((CT)))))

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rivka
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*Monday-morning-and-I-feel-like-it BUMP*

Hey, it got YOU to look, didn't it? [Wink]

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Damien
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Yes, yes it did... I thought this looked familiar.... I posted on it, with my old username...

(((((rivka))))) Thanks, it was good to read it again.

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Kayla
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I can't believe twinky said exactly what I was going to say. Of course CT said it better, but, really, I was going to say what twinky did!

So, um, I'd just like to second what CT said. [Smile]

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littlemissattitude
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quote:
(Of course, there were the ever-so-helpful adults who advised me that when I started to date I not act too smart, talk about the weird stuff I was into (sf&f, especially Star Trek), or otherwise scare potential candidates off by being too much myself.)
Beautiful post, rivka.

Isn't it amazing that, no matter how different two people's life experiences are, there is almost always something, some commonality that helps people connect. I got that same advice when I was young. Still get that same advice, in fact, now, at my age.

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rivka
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Cool, Damien. (((((Damien)))))

The Queen of Links likes mine! I am very honored. [Smile] (((((Kayla)))))

lma, the more people I meet, the more I find with some unexpected commonality. It's a really great experience. [Big Grin] (((((lma)))))

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hansenj
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Hey rivka, thanks for bumping this! You posted it right around when I was getting all settled into my new apartment, and I read it, but it was one of those, "I'll have to post on that soon" kind of deals, and it managed to pass me by.

Thanks for sharing your life with us in such a creative and personal way. [Smile]

<---wants to be as cool as rivka [Big Grin]

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rivka
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Oops! I read your post, and made a mental note to respond. And um, forgot. [Blushing] And I wasn't even moving! [Wink]

Anyway, glad you liked. [Smile]

quote:
wants to be as cool as rivka
But . . . but . . . WHY would you want to be less cool?

(((((Jennie)))))

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tonguetied&twisted
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I can't believe I missed this! [Frown] I must be blind. (((((rivka)))))

[Cry] That's an amazing post. [Hat]

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Ryan Hart
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Hoorah Rivka!!

Excellent choice with the Sondheim too.

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rivka
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Hmm, this bumping-and-getting-more-responses is fun. I should do this methodically -- different times of day, different days of the week . . . [Evil]

tt&t, I am often amazed at some of the threads that I miss. Glad you liked. [Smile] (((((tt&t)))))

Ah, another Sonheim fan. [Cool] (((((Ryan)))))

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imogen
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And now I'll bump it, 'cos I didn't notice it the first (or second.. [Smile] ) time around...

What a wonderful post - I'm contiously amazed how honest and open people are on hatrack, and even better with a soundtrack [Smile]

As a matter of interest - are you now a single parent of 3 little 'uns? [Eek!] What hard (but rewarding..) work!

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rivka
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*blinks* Wow, I didn't expect to this make it back onto the front page. [Smile] Glad you liked.

Yes, imogen, I am. And yeah, it is hard sometimes. But I have lots of friends to help me cope -- some on Hatrack. [Big Grin]

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