This looks like a piece that you wanted comments on? Is that so?

Ineffective. Fails in two areas. Firstly, it is a poor to start a story as it is vaue and unfocused. Secondly, it fails by itself, for it rushes. The Hey kid! part is so blended into the next part that we do not see any recation; no time is given to absorb impact, create emotional bond.

[Quote]: Locke threw the ball at Andrew’s face.

Unclear who these people are.

[Quote]: The football flew over and hit the young kid’s back.

The ball flew over what and hit what young kid? Who is this young kid? What does he have to do with the first to people?

Quote: The ball landed him in the shoulder blade and dropped Andrew down to the ground in a heaping pile of tears.

This sentence makes no literal sense. As such, I lose patience as a reader and will continue no further.

I could copy Defult's post in a new topic that I would start, but I'd need to know that's what Defult wants.