I'm tempted to say maybe we should extend the time limits, an idea that crossed my mind earlier when I was scrambling to get an excerpt written and submitting what I knew wasn't my very best, and again when I realized the evaluations were a little like a minor meatgrinder because they're as off the cuff as most of our entries and tend to be a little rough.

I changed my mind, though, because, like the writing exercise where you put pen to paper and don't lift it till a certain amount of time has passed or till you're done writing, I have found this whole game quite valuable.

First, the discipline of deadlines can only be a good habit for writers.

Second, as writers we need to develop a thick skin to take writing criticism, and this group should be a safe place to give and receive, so to speak (although I've determined to try to say something positive for each entry).

Third, personally I've already gleaned an opening for a story I wouldn't have had if I hadn't written it for the first segment of our game. I never turned it in because found I wanted to develop it myself eventually, and I vascillated about it till the last minute so doing a second entry wasn't possible. (Then again, what might I have come up with in two hours?)

A similar thing happened this time, with the mid paragraph of what had been my original entry. This time, I recognized my quandry sooner and rewrote part of the piece for submission, but it wasn't as good as the first. Still, I got something in and I have an interesting little excerpt to use in my book or another story. I wouldn't have had it without having been under the gun to produce something.

No, I say we agreed to this, and although there may be a few things to work out (like all of us not evaluating our own entries and everyone submitting only one entry to make it easier on all of us), it's surely far too early in the game to throw in the towel. (Oh, the cliches!) For one thing, all the votes aren't even in yet. For another, I find at least two of the entries worthy of continuing.

Sorry about the soapbox.

P.S. Oh, yes. Luc's concern about losing momentum is a legitimate one. Also, the precedent we'd set for ourselves if we back out of this story line -- if we give up each time we get flummoxed, I for one would find it discouraging. Why put in the effort if the story can be terminated at any point? I vote we carry through to resolution.

...although I do believe we should finish this story line, what if we do the next one differently? Instead of submitting segments to be evaluated, why not have one of us write first, then hand it off to the next, and so on? Then decide which way we like best. We can decide whether we want to do it anonymously or not and we can evaluate or not. I think I prefer how we're doing it now, but I'm game either way.

Just a thought.

quote:

---

Anyone can rate any or all of the pieces submitted. You don’t have to have been involved before, and you don’t have to have written a submission of your own.

---

But for now, here are our ratings for this week. Perhaps reflecting that there was not one particular example that rang everyone's bell, there was a lot of variation in the ratings.

People seemed to give lower ratings for pieces that were confusing, inconsistent, or that did not inspire them. More points seemed to be given for pieces that engaged curiosity and moved the story along briskly, in an exciting way.

Final, average ratings were:
#14: 5.67 ("By the time he reached the edge of the lake, they were after him ...")

#15: 5.67 ("His luck held. Jason slipped between the silvery pines ...")

#16: 7 ("Behind him he heard the splintering of one of the cabin doors. He knew he had only seconds to reach the lake ...")

#17: 5.67 ("He expected disaster so intensely, he could almost feel the prickle of a stasis charge ...")

#18: 6.33 ("A voice rose from the house, unsteady with age but as loud as ever.")

#19: 4.5 ("For the thirty-one years he had been on Earth, Jae Sonfinn had been prepared to leave.")

The top rated piece, which will add to our story, was the only one to garner two positive ratings (seven or above). It also got one so-so rating. All others had two or more so-so ratings. Only four people participated in the ratings -- the least yet! What happened? Did people not get around to rating? Were we less inspired to rate them because there wasn't a particular piece that floated people's boats?

Here's a realization that was interesting to me, anyway. All of the pieces except for the highest-rated one were basically in the following structure: Jason escapes with his enemies hot on his heels, then meets someone who throws a wrench in the works -- friend, foe, or somewhere in between.

Did anyone notice any other trends or anything else going on?

Any other things we didn't explore?

For the pieces to which you reacted negatively (whether or not you actually submitted ratings), were you turned off by the encounter or the character that was introduced?

Since the story's getting a little long, I'll no longer post it here, but now I'm maintaining the latest version at http://www.realmis.com/wdc -- just click to see it. Please submit your piece to continue the story by 9PM EST Thursday. Thanks!

Luc

Just because the story is getting long enough that posting it here each week has gotten awkward.

Sadly, no high-speed Internet access is available here (we're stuck with slightly-better-than-dialup satellite), so for instance it has really been slowing down my access to this topic. :/

Once our separate board here on Hatrack is available, we can probably manage the whole thing more easily, and entirely on site.

Luc

quote:

---

Once our separate board here on Hatrack is available, we can probably manage the whole thing more easily, and entirely on site.

---

I guess I don't understand the particulars of sites. I thought the net was, for all practical purposes, limitless. But as long as we're coming back on site here I guess we can tread water for a while.

Okeedoke, the new pieces are in. More possible directions here than you might think! Looking forward to seeing ratings and comments. Also, lately we've been seeing a more modest number of submissions each week, so if people are interested in writing two pieces in a given week, that's probably fine (although I'll still keep only the favorite if we have too many submissions).

Enjoy!
Luc

#20
He launched himself in a long, flat dive that drove him deep into the water, where startled fish swirled away through the murk. The human eyes he was wearing were practically useless in the cold darkness of the lake, so giving a mental command to his in-body computer, he switched on his sonar, and in a few moments the shape of the lake bottom superimposed itself over his vision in wavering blue lines. Swimming along the bottom of the lake, he soon found his way to the entrance, and a moment later he surfaced in the entry pool.

“There you are,” chirped a voice from behind him, and at the same time long-fingered hands clamped around his upper arms, yanking him out of the pool. He looked up to see a two massive Dawkins, one peon and one lieutenant, tiny heads perched on bodies that were like wildly overgrown catcher’s mitts.

“Damn you bastards,” Jason muttered.

“Aw, don’t be a sore loser,” said the lieutenant. “Look, we brought you a friend to play with.” Jason looked where the lieutenant was pointing and saw Gaff, frozen in a running posture, held up precariously by another Dawkin peon. They had flash-frozen, not killed him -- so they wanted information. Where was Hedda? Jason didn’t dare ask, in case they didn’t know about her yet.

“Come on,” said the lieutenant. “We got a nice freeze chamber just waiting for you. We’ve been watching you guys, did you know that?” He laid a limbbinder between Jason's fake human shoulder blades, and Jason felt his arms pulled around to the back, where they were fixed in place by the limbbinder. Prospects of escape were disappearing rapidly. The lieutenant gave Jason a push, and they made their way up through the labyrinth toward, Jason assumed, a Dawkin stealthcraft.

He was more than surprised to see a full-sized Dawkin troop ship. What were they -- ?

The lieutenant grinned, his sharp little teeth sticking out in all directions. “You thought you had another couple of months, didn’t you? Misinformation, pal. Boy, did you guys take the bait.” In the distance Jason could see another Dawkin ship, and in another direction, yet another. All troop carriers. Which were inevitably supported by Eradicators --

In the distance, a particle beam split the sky, and a massive tower of smoke and flame burst up approximately where downtown had been.

“You guys think you’re so superior,” the Dawkin continued, marching Jason onto the troop carrier. “Such big brains, all this science. You should have stuck to that stuff and not started messing with espionage and warfare. What do you think we do all day, anyway?” They clanked down a cylindrical passage, heading deep into the ship. “War belongs to the Dawkins. If we want to discover a new way to disintegrate Gruuba snot, we’ll call on you. Otherwise, maybe you should mind your own damn business. Hi, Hedda.”

Jason jerked his head up, startled. There was Hedda, although she was hurrying by, hiding her face. What was she doing loose on a Dawkin ship?

Oh.

But surely he wasn’t that stupid. Surely he hadn’t fallen in love with a traitor?

“Boy,” said the Dawkin with relish. “Are you stupid.”

---

#21
Jason was about to dive into the lake when the Dawkin team intercepted him. He whirled around to face the five as they came bursting out of the woods, reaching out of old habit for the disabler that unfortunately wasn't in his belt.

"Move and die!" snapped the Dawkin team leader, brief and to the point as ever. The huge, black uniformed creature leveled his weapon at Jason's chest. Behind the face mask that enabled it to breath the Earth's otherwise poisonous air, Jason saw the Dawkin's large white eyes narrow. "Where?" it demanded in broken English, jabbing an appendage at the lake.

"Where what?" asked Jason, raising his eyebrows in a show of innocence. "I was just going for a late night swim.

The Dawkin leader waved his free appendage. Immediately, the rest of the team moved forward and surrounded Jason. "Hey, what is this?" he demanded in a tone of voice he hoped projected human fear and innocent indignation. "What are you things anyway? I don't ... "

"Shut it!" snapped the Dawkin. "Fool no one. You are third and final. Is here or is not?"

So, they did have Hedra and Gaff, after all. And here he was, standing right at the entrance to the observatory, practically inviting the Dawkins for a guided tour. Well, if they aren't buying the ordinary human act anyway, Jason decided, shifting into an offensive stance, I may as well show them who they are dealing with.

He swung at the Dawkin on his right, nailing it in its sensitive midsection. The creature grunted and doubled over. At the same time, Jason jumped into the air and delivered a roundhouse kick into the face mask of the Dawkin behind him, cracking the shield. It gave an eerie, strangled cry as it inhaled oxygen, then fell backward to writhe on the ground. Landing, Jason dropped to his knees and delivered a combination of blows to the insides of the third Dawkin's calves, where he knew they stored their genitals. The wounded creature emitted a howl of rage and pain as it collapsed.

As Jason sprang back to his feet to face the fourth Dawkin, he caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of his eye. Before he could dive out of the way, the Dawkin team leader fired his weapon, hitting Jason in the side. The blast knocked him to the ground, the searing pain making him gasp for breath. Then the Dawkin team leader's face mask filled his blurred, rapidly-narrowing line of sight. "Take it," he heard it command. Then the Dawkin, and everything else, faded away into darkness.

---

#22
After a few quick, splashing steps, he was underwater, his mouth open as his oral cavity gills blocked his throat, transitioning his body to the aqueous environment. As usual, he felt sorry for the limitations imposed on Earthlings by their own bodies, especially since so much water covered Earth. The wonderful chill of the mountain lake played on his skin, and had it been a normal dive to the tunnels, he would have "taken the long way" as was his custom, and etched watery spirals of continuous figure eights all the way to the tunnel entrance. But this was no normal dive.

The lake was deep and the tunnel entrance well camouflaged on the lake bottom, where Jason manipulated the water lock control to let himself in. Once through the aqua chamber and into the air-filled corridor, he dropped to his knees and dug into his backpack, bringing out his communication unit. Activating it, he watched as it sorted through the communication traffic in the quadrant, searching for the lone signal on which his life depended-and possibly all of Earth.

There. He murmured the Leganty jargon that identified him to the transport and they to him. Without even a sigh of relief, he hurried into his question.

"Did Hedra and Gaff make it?"

"Your parents are safely en route to the Council," the answering voice said. "Their reports were forwarded there once they were out of Dawkin intercept range." The voice warbled, akin to a human laugh. "The Dawkin will suffer more than censure this time."

Jason heard the unfinished thought in the odd silence that followed. "But what?" he said with a sudden suspicion.

"Well,"-the slight hesitation gave Jason a millisecond to prepare himself for what he knew was coming-"Gaff thinks you can do it, and not because you're his son, and Hedra says you're probably the only one who can."

---

#23
[This piece, it turns out, didn't come through in e-mail properly. We'll be posting the real version ASAP. Feel free to rate some now, some later if that suits you. -- Luc]

---

#24
It was only a moment of reflection, a short time to collect his thoughts, but it was too long. A keening, rasping sound seemed to come from everywhere around him, and the next thing he knew he was floating in a Dawkin containment aquarium, his human "body" stripped from him, his methane pack gone. Soon, he knew, he would start to feel dizzy, and if he didn’t get some kind of methane within the next three to four hours, brain damage was very likely.

Around him were crowded members of the Dawkin Conquest Conglomerate, at least nine or ten species, arguing in loud voices as they always did. Some dictated memoranda into their translating machines; others gibbered over profit figures. He felt like a picture someone put on the wall, but that nobody was very interested in.

A Tarnatian noticed him and poked a neighbor of the same species with a flexible spine. “He’s up,” he said in Dawkin. “The suspension field must have worn off already. That was pretty quick.”

“We in Competitive Intelligence suspect the Leganty have been making genetic improvements throughout their member species,” drawled his neighbor, watching Jason with idle curiosity. “They’re hardy, but it isn’t natural. And I doubt they have any more resistance than anyone else to a neuroelectrical scan.” The Tarnations turned one eye stalk each to watch Jason’s reaction, wrinkling their gills in amusement.

Jason grimaced. Neuroelectrical scans were a great way to find out everything a creature knew, if you don’t mind turning the brain to mush in the process. More than ever he hoped Gaff and especially Hedra hadn’t been intercepted, considering what Hedra knew. He wished he had never called them to pull him out -- or that he had called them sooner.

Then a brilliant blue beam of light punched through the room and began moving in a straight line, vaporizing everything in its path. The previous semi-chaos of the room exploded into real panic, filling the chamber with screeches, barks, and ululations as Dawkin members shoved each other out of the way in a mad rush to escape. Jason watched in awe as “indestructible” Dawkin field computers vanished without so much as a puff of steam. The plane generator that was holding the aquarium together was destroyed instantaneously when the beam hit it, and Jason spilled out into the chamber along with the water-and-ammonia solution he had been floating in.

The bottom three legs of a Memchite had been separated from the rest of the body, and from the leg belts on these Jason tore two bulbs of methane, taking a quick whiff of one before leaping over the milling crowd toward the exit. His first jump brought him about thirty feet closer to the door, and a second brought him the rest of the way. He grabbed hold of one of the upper leg belts of a still-living Memchite and was carried through the door, at which point he sprung loose onto the grass.

He was in unfamiliar surroundings, surrounded by low, human corporate buildings. Seeing a line of trees about half a mile distant, he lowered his head and sprinted toward that bit of shelter. As he ran he turned his head 180 degrees to look back at what he had emerged from. It was as he feared: A full-sized Dawkin destroyer.

A Winged Amian, only two feet tall, was the only one of the Dawkin members as fast as Jason was with his Leganty enhancements, and it kept pace with him until they both reached the woods. At that point Jason grabbed it where its thorax and abdomen met and squeezed. It wouldn’t be a pretty murder, but he wasn’t about to be dragged back into captivity because he was unwilling to kill a giant bug.

“Stop! We must flee! Stop!” choked the Amian. “It is the Wave! They are attacking!”

It was harder to strangle the Amian than Jason thought, and he had no idea what the Wave was, so he eased his grip just enough that the Amian could breath. Was this some kind of trick? Then again, that blue beam was like nothing he had ever heard of before. What kind of weapon could cut through a Dawkin destroyer? Even the pulsar-class excavator the Leganty scientists used wouldn’t penetrate the gravity shielding of a destroyer.

“The what?” said Jason.

“The Wave! It has been kept secret from you, but now you must know. The Leganty must ally with the Dawkin to repulse the Wave. They are horrible! They wreak destruction wherever they go!”

“Sounds like a taste of your own medicine to me.”

“It is no medicine!” cried with Amian. “We Dawkin seek only to annex, to acquire. The Wave seek always to exterminate! No one has seen them; no one has lived to report their nature, but everywhere they have gone there has been no life left behind. No life at all!”

“You Dawkin are a plague,” growled Jason. “You’re dreaming if you think you’ll get any help from the Leganty.”

“Then they will hunt us down separately,” moaned the Amian, “and we will all die.”

[This message has been edited by PaganQuaker (edited October 31, 2002).]

21: 5
Wasn't inspired by this, I guess because it was mostly just action that was unlikely to influence the plot. Wondered why the weapon wasn't lethal or disabling rather than just damaging (especially since the Dawkin had said "Move and die!". Wondered why Jason would attack nearby Dawkins when there was a weapon aimed at him. Wondered why weapon was not fired when he first attached.

22: 7
Gaff & Hedra being parents didn't seem quite to gibe with the story before. Wondered why Jason didn't see anyone when he arrived in the tunnels. If Gaff & Hedra were coming with the transport, didn't understand why they had turned around and left (maybe because of the Dawkin coming, but this wasn't made clear). Liked the sense of Jason having a very difficult job coming up but didn't like not being told right away what it was. Idea of parents being involved was interesting to me.

#23
A cold draft rippled the waters of the lake and it shimmered in the moonlight. For a moment, everything seemed in motion. Jason stopped.

“Stay focused,” he breathed. “You’re no good to anyone dead.” Or worse, captured by the Dawkin. He pushed the thought from his mind as another breeze shook the water. Something jerked against the breeze to his left. He tasted the air. Whatever it was had moved downwind. Jason cocked an eyebrow—momentarily noting how engrained Earthling habits had become to him—and took a few steps toward the lake. The thing moved again. He closed his eyes. It was large, and it produced far less heat than anything indigenous for its size. The lake was only twenty strides away, if he pushed himself. Twenty strides were six for a Dawkin. But there was no other way.

Jason took off, leaping from stone to mud to stone as fast as his legs could carry him. The Dawkin pursued on its well-muscled appendages. Jason glanced to his right as another turned in to join the chase. He felt a third to his left. Almost there. A shadow rose and engulfed Jason’s own in the moonlight as the lead Dawkin crossed over his body. It stopped ahead of him, grinding its exoskeleton into the stone as it turned to face him, and crouched to block his way.

A Dawkin was an intelligent creature, and strong, but even it had its weaknesses. Even as it stood upon its nine powerful legs, bending its body down and chittering—a noise that sounded more like bones splintering against metal than a Common Language dialect—out of its thick, poisonous beak, its skin grew redder and more boiled from contact with Earth air. Jason tried to make out its words, but his interest lie more with the water, now only a small leap away. The Dawkin pointed to his pack with one of its forward legs and snipped at it. Jason moved to remove it. One strap, then the other, then a dive and a roll beneath the creature and he was in the water, bag still in hand. It made a loud, grinding cry of protest and jabbed at him with its hind leg. The leg reeled back after a moment, the water on Jason’s body too strong for it. Jason clawed at the stone beneath him, propelling himself forward until the water was deep enough to cover him.

The Leganty laboratory did not begin under the lake, but approximately two trirans—or 3.7 miles, as Jason had become familiar expressing it—away under the first of the nearby mountains. However, in one of the storage facilities along the primary corridor to it sat a cache Jason had established his first few years on Earth. It had been a refuge for him when he needed to get away from the Earthling lifestyle for a bit, and it was there that Jason went when he passed the airlock at the bottom of the lake.

The hallway was a dark, quiet, and low place—the perfect height for a Leganty unburdened with its human disguise. Jason squatted as he ran down the hall, his shoes squeaking and leaking water with every step. He reached the thin but sturdy door to the storage room in minutes. Its rounded form rose only to his chest as he punched in the access code to enter. Denied. The word flashed in Common as a few harsh orange dashes. Jason tapped it in again. Denied. He pulled the shoulder pack from his back and removed a small silvery device. Luckily this was a low security door. The giladin buzzed as it charged, then with one blast, the lock disconnected from the door and clattered to the ground. Jason smiled, pulled the door open, and entered.

The room was a small rectangular nook crowded with shelves and boxes of all sizes filled with everything from Leganty lab equipment to janitor cleaning tools. Strewn atop were his own possessions. The lights were already on, bathing all his trinkets, mementos of a distant home world, in a bluish glow. Strange, he thought as he let the door close behind him. I didn’t think I left the lights on…though it has been a while since I’ve been here. Jason shook it from his mind as he pulled a large storage chest from a nearby shelf. Within were a few old uniforms, the largest barely wide enough for his human form. He patted the bluish cloth against his clothes to dry them—no use changing. He replaced the chest and moved to the back of the room. Two chairs sat amid the clutter and between them stood a small table with a small brassy plate on it. Jason sat in the larger chair and picked up the plate. A 3D image materialized above it. He, Hedra, and Gaff on their first day on Earth—he and Hedra decked out with human suits being held up in the air by the sturdy Gaff. Jason smiled weakly. Where were they now? He set the plate down and the image fizzled away. What if they were on the Dawkin ship? Could I have saved them if I stayed at the cabin? No, he reasoned. I would have been captured by the Dawkin. I would be exactly where they are now. Where they could be now. They could also be safe on the Leganty ship, and I would have been captured for nothing. Best to have run. They would have run.

The faint buzz of a giladin charge issued from behind a pile of storage bins, turning Jason instantly from his thoughts. He charged his own and cursed himself for his carelessness. Someone was in the room. Well, if it is a fight they want, thought Jason, then I’m game. He dived at the bins and threw them aside. His jaw dropped—a sign of astonishment both to Leganty and Earthling.

Luc

#20 -- 5

#21 -- 7

#23 -- 3 My notes from the 1st brief posting read: "odd phrasing, didn't
understand what J did to open the door, caverns are /empty/." I seem to have
less trouble with the door thing in the version posted 2 days later.
But--doesn't square with what's come so far since not only were the tunnels
empty, but the Grand Colonial Council demanded leaving no evidence of "life
beyond the quadrant" behind.

#20: 8 Like the traitor twist. Fit well with what we have so far. Want to
see how Jason will respond.
#21: 5 Didn’t really suck me further into the story. An obvious conclusion
to the business started at the cabin.
#22: 6 Somehow Hedda and Graff being his parents didn’t sit right with how
they have been presented before.
#23: 4 Didn’t like how Jason didn’t identify it was a Dawkin clearly.
Seems like he is very familiar with them from what came before. Didn't
advance story much.
#24: 5 Found the pace to be slow. Wave concept wasn’t interesting to me.

Also, we have tie-breaker ratings.

20: 6-Humorous
22: 5-An interesting take that Hedra and Gaff are his parents; a little sparse otherwise
23: 6-Nicely done, good cliffhanger
24: 7-A little confusing with all the species names, but an exciting segment

So that gives us these average ratings:

#20: 6.33 (highest rating)
#21: 5.67
#22: 6.00
#23: 4.75
#24: 6.00

This is fairly close, but we can go ahead with #20 if there are no objections. Let's consider it not fixed in stone until noon tomorrow, in case anyone would like to suggest a different course of action, since admittedly 6.33 is a pretty low top rating, especially when two others are close behind it.

So I'd suggest we go ahead and take #20 as our next section and move ahead with that, but don't feel like we absolutely must do that if someone would like to do otherwise. I'd also like to leave it open for any other ratings to come in for another hour or so, just in case that changes things.

Hope this flexible structure thing is cool with everyone. Let's see if Hedra is really the traitor she's sounding like at the moment.

quote:

---

I'd also like to leave it open for any other ratings to come in for another hour or so, just in case that changes things.

Hope this flexible structure thing is cool with everyone. Let's see if Hedra is really the traitor she's sounding like at the moment.

---

Except for tie-breakers, I don't think flexibility is a good thing. Who better than writers should understand that words mean things? Deadline means just that, no? I know some Floridians think differently, but when do we stop if not at the first tie-breaker? We don't need grey areas that can be argued.

TTFN & lol

Hmm, no consensus is emerging easily, so I'd like to say "Let's continue this way," and if anyone really hates the idea, we can have some more discussion as we're moving forward and possibly revise our plans.

Cosmi, I'm afraid this direction doesn't take your point of view into account very well, but since we don't seem to have a strong consensus for changing the guidelines, let's stick to them for now and go with #20 as our story continuation -- with the realization that at least talking about editing the story might be productive down the road.

Looking forward to taking this current week apart, especially finding out why we had such low or mixed ratings! Is this a natural thing as the story becomes more constrained and people were not as excited about the possibilities that get thrown by the wayside as we get a clearer idea of what's going on? Or were the pieces this time around not as effective as some of the earlier ones?

Oh, and another question: Are we writing our pieces not to carry the story forward in the most powerful way, but rather to surprise each other with twists? I mean, twists are fun, but are we concentrating on them to the exclusion of deeper elements? I'm not saying we are, but the question crosses my mind.

More promptly. The updated version of the story is up at http://www.realmis.com/wdc.

Luc

Here are some responses (sans ratings) to last week's pieces from one of our participants:

20: the sonar bit was neat at the beginning, but i didn't care for the rest of it. the Dawkin were too unbelievable. i didn't like the mystery of Hedra's location being resolved so soon either.

21: good action sequence. didn't much care for him playing human, but it wasn't entirely out of place. the Dawkin said "move and die," and when he was finally shot (which, by the way, took a while considering he was unarmed and they were all pointing guns at him), it doesn't sound like he died....

22: i like the character development when Jason was underwater. i also enjoyed Gaff and Hedra being Jason's parents. i didn't expect it, but really, it fits. the only part that made me cringe was the leaving out of his mission--it seems like a cheap trick for suspense. we've experienced everything he's experienced until that point, why not this?

Here are some comments on the last round of pieces & ratings from one participant.

Luc

Two comments have been made about the #22 segment cutting off. Wasn't the
idea to simply further the story along however long or short we wish?

quote:

---

can be anything from about thirty words to 1,000 words, but we're
shooting for something in the neighborhood of 100-200 words. Don't worry
about finishing the scene or stopping at a logical stopping place: Instead,
break it off anywhere that works for you

---

Original post:
Sorry about the delay. Here are this week's pieces! Don't forget, your rankings are valuable information ... and early is good!

Luc

#25
Jason contemplated his stupidity as he stumbled along in front of the Dawkin through busy troop ship corridors. Lost in thoughts of escape, he almost missed the clues. The Dawkin behind him had tensed. Jason pushed his mind to catch up, and realized the corridor they were now walking was empty, strangely so. The flash and hiss of a plasma weapon made him flinch, but the sound and smell of the Dawkin deflating and collapsing behind him quickly squelched the instinctive reaction and triggered another. Covering his nose and mouth, Jason whirled around, searching.

"Stand still, Jason, unless you want me to shoot you instead of the limbbinder."

"Hedra?" The limbbinder shuddered with the flash of energy Hedra directed to it and Jason eased it to the floor to keep it from clanking down. "I thought
you-"

"Turned traitor?" She rolled her eyes, and he heard it coming before she said it. "Boy, are you stupid."

Jason flinched again. He was beginning to hate that word. He tugged the plasma out from under the Dawkin's limp arm and brought it up, leveling the weapon at Hedra and not believing he was doing it. "Maybe, Hedra. But I saw. And I heard. You're on a first name basis with the Dawkin."

Hedra grimaced, a human expression Jason found amusing on her. Okay, he admitted to himself with annoyance. Cute.

"Jason, you're as stupid as the Dawks," Hedra said in a stage whisper heavy with exasperation. "They walk their copycat android by you, and you sink without even coming up for air three times." She pushed his plasma away and motioned for him to follow her. "Stupid Dawks didn't even get my name right," she mumbled as she pulled off the cover and slipped into an access shaft about a half-meter up the wall.

Jason stood dumbfounded. Quickly, he thought back, then groaned inwardly. He had picked up a Dawkin mindbit without realizing it. He really was getting sloppy not to have noticed Hedra's wrong name in his consciousness. Hedra's name. Of all people.

"Well…come on!" The cute grimace flashed again as Hedra peered out of the shaft.

Jason hurried after her, replacing the shaft's covering panel behind him before she could use the "S" word again. Inside, he squeezed past four Dawkin bodies that resembled deflated Earth puffer fish. Only the core of a Dawkin was solid; the great mass was a hellish mixture of toxic gases. Kill enough Dawkins at close range and you could still lose the fight. "You've been busy," he said to Hedra.

She had turned a corner ahead of him, and her voice echoed back to him in the metal shaft. "Not busy enough. They got Gaff."

"I know. I saw him. Frozen. Where're we headed?" Hedra turned another corner, as though she knew where she was going. "Freeze chambers. I marked the way."

Jason had noticed the small scorch marks here and there along the walls of the shaft, but had not attributed them to anything. Boy, am I stupid! He hurried to catch up to Hedra, shaking his head at himself. He was a brilliant scientist, a first-rate alien weapons expert, and a former Colonial Squadron Commander, yet Hedra, whether in Leganty or Earthling female form, turned him into a lovesick stupid blob of protoplasm.

"Okay, weapons man," Hedra said, coming to a stop. She twisted, turning around in the meter-high shaft to face him, and flicked her head to one side. "Which is best for the job?"

In a smaller shaft off the main one, Jason saw a pile of Dawkin weapons-plasmas, hand lasers, rapid-fires, even a couple low-volume incendiaries. "You have been busy. How did you manage all this?"

"The Dawks helped, actually. Once they introduced their little android Hedda, they inadvertently gave me unrestricted access." Hedra grinned and, although it could have been the dim light in the shaft, Jason thought she blushed when their eyes met.

Suddenly he didn't feel so stupid. "Describe the layout of the freeze chambers," he said, hearing the steely resolve of his voice echo off the metal walls of the shaft. He pocketed a hand laser and an incendiary, then hefted a rapid-fire. Dawkins may be stupid, but they have excellent weaponry. He glanced at Hedra and smiled, knowing his bout of stupidity was over. It was time to defrost Gaff.

---

#26
But that was unbelievable. He knew Hedra better than that. There must be some other explanation. “Hedra!” shouted Jason. “Hedra, it’s me, Forell!” That was his given name, although he had grown more or less used to thinking of himself as “Jason.”

“Stop,” said Hedra to the Dawkins.

“I don’t intend to --” started the Lieutenant.

“Oh, shut your trap,” she said. “Don’t make me revoke your looting privileges.”

The lieutenant stretched his mouth in displeasure, but said nothing more, and jerked Jason roughly to a stop. Hedra came and looked up at his human face.

“Who did you say you were?” she said.

“Forell,” Jason said in disbelief. “Forell! From the Leganty Earth protection project!”

“Forell,” she said meditatively. “Forell, Forell. I don’t -- oh, hold it. I remember you. You’re that guy who had a crush on me.”

Jason felt blood rush into his human face in embarassment. “Hedra, you always --”

“I always what? I always restrained myself from strangling you when you tagged along after me everywhere like a puppy? I always bore your sickening flattery with good grace?”

“But I thought --”

“No,” Hedra said sharply. “I don’t think you did. I think you just let your gametal gland do all the thinking for you.” Maddeningly, Jason was still mesmerized by the almost-subliminal beckoning of her pheromones. Her softly undulating gil sacs drew his eye away from her face even though he willed himself to look directly in her eyes.

“By the Gods’ corpses,” she said. “Can’t you keep your eyes off my gill sacs for two minutes?” She turned away in disgust.

“You done?” said the lieutenant sullenly.

“Gods, yes,” said Hedra. “Go ahead and freeze him.”

---

#27
He sorted through the possibilities in his mind on the way to freeze chamber. Yes, he had to admit that at least in theory, it was possible that Hedra was a traitor. But what else? Perhaps she was being impersonated, either to fool the Dawkins or to fool him. If she was being impersonated to fool the Dawkins, that had to be a good sign; if him, it meant there was someone much more subtle than the Dawkins at work. What else?

A clone? It hardly seemed likely, but yes, someone could have done an accelerated growth clone, which would probably mean that it was going to be used to impersonate Hedra somewhere else -- like with the Leganty scientists still hiding out in Prague and Johannesburg. Or she might be being used as a decoy traitor to the Dawkins.

In which case, was the frozen Gaff the real Gaff, or a clone?

What else? She could be pretending to betray the Leganty in order to penetrate the Dawkin command structure. That didn’t seem too far-fetched. But then, if she hadn’t given them some valuable information already, why did they trust her? Or did they trust her?

She could even be a prisoner, one they were acting familiar with. In hopes of getting her friendly with the Dawkin and turning her traitor?

Too many possibilities; Jason had to try to find out the truth. Only then could he act.

“You know her?” said the lieutenant?

Jason didn’t respond.

“There’s no point in holding back.” The lieutenant prodded Jason’s head with a spiky finger. “We’ll suck all the good stuff out of the there soon enough, once it’s properly chilled.”

They turned a corner, and for the moment no one else was in sight. Now is as good a time as ever, Jason thought, and with a convulsive jerk, he tore himself out of the biomechanical human disguise, the human skin splitting as his lithe form spilled out. The limbbinder held on to the arms of the disguise, but his real arms were free. The Dawkin, with a slow air of annoyance that was almost boredom, reached for his sidearm -- but he never got to it.

Grimacing, Jason tore off the disintegration mine he had been wearing on his chest since a couple of re-suitings ago, when they refreshed his human disguise. There were times when it itched and he had cursed himself for wearing it, but now his slightly paranoid planning was going to pay off. He slapped the mine on the lieutenant’s chest and spoke the activation word.

“You little --“ growled the lieutenant, but he was choked off as the mine detonated, sending a charge through his body that dispersed him into his component molecules. He vanished in a burst of silent light, and water vapor blasted Jason’s face for a moment.

Jason felt light and incredibly free after being in that damned costume for so long, but he was also getting cold. He heard footsteps and sprang up, flattening himself against the ceiling as he modulated his skin color to match the dull pink of the corridor. Not very close; he hoped it would do. Two Dawkin peons stumped past below him, intent on wherever they were going.

OK, good, Jason thought. Now what?

---

#28
The lieutenant gave Jason a vicious shove forward. Jason stumbled and he hit the ground hard, unable to catch himself with his bound arms.

Why, Hedra? Why?

“Get up, brainwaste,” the Dawkin barked. “I don’t have all day to spend on the likes of you.”

Jason struggled to his feet. As he lurched forward again, he noticed that Hedra had stopped. She stood silently in a doorway a few meters away from him. Under what remained of her human camouflage, the pale Leganty face that watched him was distant and impassive.

Jason looked away. He was no more to her than one of Earth’s many gnats. Oh, how wrong he had been. Stupid. So stupid.

The Dawkin roughly directed him up another level. Here freezing chambers lined the corridors. From some, sightless eyes stared out of the faces pressed against the glass; in others, only the faintest outline of a form could be seen through the ice. The lieutenant forced Jason into the first empty one they came to.

“Enjoy,” the Dawkin said with a laugh. Then the door swung shut, bolting with a thud that echoed in the small space.

Jason pushed against the glass, trying in vain for the release he knew he would not find. Already he could feel the dizzying effects of the gases pumping into the chamber to prepare his tissue for immobilization.

A face swam into focus beyond the glass. For a moment he thought it was the Darkin, but that wasn’t right. He blinked and his eyelids grated against the fragile human eyes he wore. No it was someone else. Hedra.

There was nothing impassive about her face now. Every inch of her expression was lined in pain and the sloping stretch of her forehead was colored with the strength of her emotion. Her mouth formed words, but Jason could not hear them through the glass.

Just as the spray jets fired, encasing him in the frozen material, he figured out the last thing she had said.

“I’m on your side.”

[This message has been edited by PaganQuaker (edited November 08, 2002).]

Luc

#26 -- 4 "Stretched his mouth in displeasure" was good. "ly" adverbs a problem -- would rather have been shown not told how characters were acting/reacting.

#27 -- 6 Loved the "silent light." "'Do you know her?' said the lieutenant." didn't fit his comments at the end of the previous segment, and his comments immediately after these confused me, but this had the strongest Jason of the three.

#28 -- 5 Liked the working of the freeze chamber but description of Jason's feelings a bit melodramatic.

---

25: 7- Well written, interesting, but a little too cute and convenient for me.

26: 9-I really like that you're holding on to the traitor thing, at least for a while. I don't buy Jason's being so easy with his real name in enemy territory. Sometimes the dialogue was weird.

27: 5- Why would the Dawkins be so unprepared/careless as to let Jason escape like that? Also, a little out of character--too cooly analyzing possibilities when his girl has just betrayed him.

28: 5- Kind of sappy for the story we're writing. Out of character for Jason. I liked that he didn't get away right off.

---

#25: 7
Like the way the not a traitor flip is worked with the android. Word "stupid" felt overused, even if it was for effect.

#26: 7
Exchange has good energy. Puts new spin on the Jason/Hedra relationship.

#25 - 7

25: 6.5
26: 6.75
27: 6.0
28: 5.25

Once again we seemed to be somewhat split. I noticed that the first two had Hedra taking definitive action and both kind of contradicted expectation, whereas the last two relied on Jason (one in which he escaped by himself -- fairly predictable, but as someone pointed out, probably not entirely convincing -- and one in which there was no character action but there was a brief moment between Jason & Hedra). Was this what we were reacting to, in part?

Interestingly, this piece makes both Hedra and Jason potentially less likeable and potentially more interesting. Even more interesting to me is that Jason is still not established as a character. I don't know if that's because him being taken definitively in one direction contradicts too many images of him, or if we've been so focused on events that we haven't wanted to "stop" and develop the character, or because we want to develop a story with a central character who (like Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker) barely has a personality, but is interesting because of the story he's in. Or maybe some other reason?

I also notice that so far we have not established anything that Jason can do to address the major conflict in the story, which I would say is the Dawkin takeover of Earth -- already well on its way, as we turned up the tension on that with the last piece. How the heck is Jason going to do anything about this? It seems like sooner or later, for this story to continue, we'll have to give Jason something difficult to try to do that would stop the invasion at great personal risk to him and which will involve Hedra and Gaff. Right? And also have it out between Hedra and Jason, because surely this isn't the end of the story?

It would be hard to write this from here with Jason doing something other than escaping and still addressing the invasion of Earth -- which has to be attended to right away! I could see him trying to hoodwink the Dawkin, or being rescued, come to think of it, but it's kind of difficult to keep us involved with Jason if he's just going to be paraded around by other people. If he's rescued, I assume it would be Hedra, Gaff (how?), some foil to Hedra, or a turncoat Dawkin, since anyone else would seem like a deus ex machina, right? Too late to establish human ties or other major characters who might show up, since he has to be rescued or escape or do something now.

About Hedra: She could be playing exactly how she is, or she could be a real traitor who's pretending she doesn't care for Jason for some reason, or a fake traitor who really does think he's a jerk, or a fake traitor who really is in love with him. Are there other possibilities?

And why are the Dawkins holding Jason and Gaff? If they want information out of them, why not get it right away? Does the invasion pertain to the conquest of Earth, or something even worse -- like the conquest of a series of Leganty-protected worlds? If Earth is conquered, can the story still go on, establishing the stakes as greater than Earth and (presumably) promising that Earth will be freed from the Dawkins if Jason succeeds?

quote:

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I also notice that so far we have not established anything that Jason can do to address the major conflict in the story, which I would say is the Dawkin takeover of Earth… It would be hard to write this from here with Jason doing something other than escaping and still addressing the invasion of Earth -- which has to be attended to right away!

---

You know, I don’t think there’s really been an obligation built into what we have so far that requires Jason to take the hero’s seat and defend Earth. There are story influences for both the invasion related aspects and the Jason/Hedra/(Graff?) dynamic. If you push the second set of influences, the invasion becomes more of a backdrop to something else. And really, sure Jason is on the Planetary Protection Team, but what they were doing on Earth as a part of that hasn’t been fully defined. Maybe they were just researching or looking for something to protect their homeworld.

Sorry for the silence. Unfortunately, we only received one piece this past week (even I didn't have time! Busy finishing my novel). May I suggest we give it another week to see if other entries come in (by Thursday), and if not decide on some new course of action, like ending the exercise, calling for pieces that end the story (however long they may be), or round-robin writing this or another story?

However, I look forward to reading what comes next. Don't take my loss of interest as a dissing of other folks' contributions...far from it, I think there were a lot of really nifty submissions. I'm just not feeling the muse, to be all lofty and stuffy about it.

[This message has been edited by Hildy9595 (edited November 21, 2002).]

I'm not nearly as excited about the story as I was, either. Are other people feeling this way? Glad you brought it up.

Maybe we've sacrificed having a story with long-term interest for one with short-term interest because we're writing it in small amounts? Or maybe it's just too hard to maintain interest in a story over the course of weeks and weeks? Come to think of it, I'll bet that has a lot to do with it.

Let's go with the suggestion that had been made in the past, to go round-robin, either to finish this story or to do the next one. Anyone can add onto the story at any time, but not more often than once every 48 hours (to give other people a chance). If two people try adding on at the same time, whoever's post gets added second should be cleared.

In a separate thread, we can talk about how the story's proceeding, what's working and not working for people, etc.

So, two questions:
1) Should we go to a round robin format? (If not, what would you like to do instead? End the exercise? Try something different? Do a new one the way we did this one?)
2) If so, do you want to continue this story or start a new one?

In a collaborative effort, you want to hash out the general storyline first, then let the individual writers draft the sections they feel best suited for, then "correlate" all the sections so that the timeline, event tree, background information, etc. are all consistent, then finally have everyone go over everyone else's draft for editing, then have all the final drafts written.

Right. One entry in two weeks. I was thinking I would write one, but it seems as though we're not up to continuing in the same way.

Survivor, for my money we've been accomplishing what we set out to accomplish: not to write a great story, necessarily (although I do like this one so far) but rather to learn about what keeps a reader's attention from moment to moment.

I agree that if we were to want to write a good collaborative story, it would be much better to do it somewhat the way you are talking about, but then writing a story with even two people is dangerously close to madness. But ... too many cooks might be a really interesting exercise. Maybe we'd like to try some collaborative story-building before we try a round robin or other approach this time? We wouldn't be learning about the same thing, but it seems it would still be instructive.

quote:

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being able to continue the story within the boundaries set up by the previous authors, I have increased my own writing abilities.

---

There is the value in all this.

quote:

---

There are always options we haven't considered, but the time to consider them is before the end of the submission deadline.

---

That includes options as to how to proceed. As a stodgy rules person, I would have taken whatever we had after the first deadline and gone with it. Otherwise we penalize those who make the deadline and therein lies frustration.

quote:

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Why put in the effort if the story can be terminated at any point?

---

Although I strongly dislike (adverb noted) the bend-the-rules-as-we-go-along method (it's too much like New Jersey politics) I would have chosen to go with what we had after the first extended deadline (even though that put us exactly where we were).

However, since we're (to me, inadvisably) considering switching horses in midstream, or spaceships in midflight, the lesser of the two evils (cliche noted) seems to be to extend another deadline and encourage JK and whoever else is so inclined (JK's rereading is key to the effort, I think) to write a segment. But whatever this next deadline is, let that be it. We go with whatever we have. Then we can switch to round robin or whatever. But at least the full turn has played out. (Although the "anyone write at any time" idea seems a blank check for chaos.)

I guess my interpretation of the challenge was that the spirit, if not the letter, was that we would compare multiple options each week. That said, I realize I should have posted the work that was contributed for that week so that people can see where the story goes. My apologies to the writer for not doing that promptly.

So, the much-anticipated next installment:

==========================

Hedra turned away, leaving Jason dumbfounded. When a hiss and a frazzle
stopped her cold in her tracks, literally, Jason was not the only one who was
stunned. Hedra's expression, frozen in disbelief, probably matched Jason's
from just minutes before when she had turned on him.

The Dawkin who had retained his looting privileges grinned. "Put her in a
freeze chamber-next to that first one so she'll have company. Take this
one," he said, indicating Jason, "to the commander." He grinned again and
Jason wondered how he didn't pierce what looked like his lips with those
teeth. Jason had bit his own lip more than once in his Earth body, and its
teeth were straight.

He did not have time to consider the matter, though, because a great rumble
passed through the troop carrier and successive jolts brought them all to
their knees-or whatever it was the Dawkin called those bulges on their
legs-and weapons clattered to the floor. Twisting his body into contortions
not normally seen in an Earthling, but with the limbbinder pinning his arms
back, it couldn't be helped, Jason grabbed the freeze weapon as it skittered
past him. In a dual heartbeat, two Dawkin Popsicles, same disgusting flavor,
lay on the floor before the Dawkin could get to their feet.

Jason jumped to his just before he felt the carrier tilt. So we're still on
the ground. Damaged, but on the ground. That was good, but he suspected he
didn't have time even for a sigh of relief. If the Leganty were out there,
the Pulsar Disintegrator wasn't far behind. He knew it was only because they
were picking up Leganty life signs aboard that they hadn't disintegrated the
ship already, but the window of escape opportunity would be brief.

Straining his neck to see behind him, he studied the freeze weapon still in
his hands as best he could. /Where's the reverse on this thing?/ He fumbled
around for what seemed too long, then aimed the weapon at Gaff, striving to
hold it steady. Another hiss and a frazzle and Gaff was lying in a pool of
melt water. Instinctively, Jason aimed the weapon awkwardly at Hedra.

"No!" Gaff sputtered, climbing to his feet. "She's a traitor, Jason."
Gaff's teeth were chattering, but the look on his face spoke his usual
clear-headedness. "It's too late for her. It has to be."

Jason hesitated, then nodded bitterly as Gaff retrieved a laser gun from the
floor. He had the limbbinder off Jason in a flash and they were sprinting
down the troop ship corridor in mere seconds. Wondering if he would ever be
sorry, Jason spared himself a last glance at Hedra.

The ship shuddered as they ran, and the freeze weapon and laser they had
borrowed brought down the Dawkins who obstructed their path. More than once,
freeze and laser rays and blasts from blasters cut close around them, and
twice Dawkins gave chase, but Jason's and Gaff's lighter-gravity-enhanced
advantage proved its worth. The bedlam on the Dawkin ship didn't hurt,
either. Jason and Gaff exited the ship over frozen and dead Dawkins who had
been trying to escape the pulsar that they, too, knew was coming, but who had
the misfortune of being in Jason's and Gaff's way.

As the two fled the carrier, the awful inside-out hiss of disintegration
sounded behind them like a colossal intake of breath, a hiss that was being
repeated all around and above them in the night as Dawkin ships disappeared
with wonderful but terrible frequency. High above Earth, Jason knew, Leganty
battle cruisers were eradicating the Eradicators, unbeknown to Earth tracking
stations. Veiling devices shielded the Leganty ships according to Grand
Council requirements, while the same devices shielded the Dawkin, satisfying
their desire for stealth to move against Earth.

With a renewed burst of speed inspired by pursuing Dawkins, Jason and Gaff
headed for the Leganty ship that had touched down in the distance beyond the
cabin, waiting for them. Dual hearts pumping, Jason ran, now anxious to be
back on Legan, his ambiguity about leaving Earth gone.

Once he and Gaff were aboard, the Leganty would broadcast the Aftermath Field
that would disintegrate all life in the area, ridding the Earth of fleeing
Dawkin. It would take out all Earth life in the same area, too, but the
Leganty always sought to confine the field to as small a locality as
possible, carefully pinpointing the targeted life signs as their parameters.
They would leave the usual meteor and crater or vegetative pattern of course,
and, though Earth would be rich with speculation, it would never know what
had happened.

Gaff reached the ship first and sprinted up the ramp, but Jason felt himself
stumble, and something else. He hit the ground and rolled, feeling as though
he were finally experiencing true Earth gravity. The ship, the trees, the
mountains he loved, all wavered and fogged before him; there were flashes of
light and there was Gaff, sad-eyed and saying goodbye.

Jason thought of Hedra, and as he expelled his last breath, knew with a sense
of cosmic equilibrium that at least his body would be put to rest on Legan.

Hey, we have our separate area for this exercise now (the "Writing Decisions Stories" forum)! I'm starting us on a new story and a new version of the exercise that I think should address some of the limitations of the first one. Stop by if you're interested!

Luc

OK, we're ready to go with the new board. Thanks to the folks who have submitted story starts already. Anyone who would like to, please e-mail me at luc@meadowdance.org with it by Sunday, December 8th, at 9PM EST. Mercifully, we will only have a couple of deadlines to deal with using the new approach.

Once we post the starts, please go ahead and use the discussion thread in the "Writing Decision Stories" forum to bat around ideas.