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This is the first couple pages to a new childrens fantasy series. Jimmy falls down a hole and ends up on a pirate ship. Does the first few pages sound or feel right?
“Get the Frisbee, boy,” yelled Jimmy. Instantly Reb bolted from his sitting position and shot across the field like a greyhound chasing after an elusive rabbit. Shadows from the surrounding trees spread themselves along his path, beckoning him to stop and linger to avoid the rising heat, but Rebs’ eyes were intently fixed on the oval object floating across Central Park, a few feet above the newly cut grass. “Good boy,” cried Jimmy as Reb scooped up the Frisbee without missing a step. How did he do that without getting a mouthful of grass or dirt Jimmy wondered? “Come here, Reb,” called Jimmy eagerly, slapping his hands to his thighs. “Come here, boy.” Reb trotted back to Jimmy, Frisbee in mouth, panting triumphantly like a proud hunting retriever returning with its’ kill. Jimmy, for his part, leaned over and gave him a huge hug and a quick pat. “Good boy, Reb,” he said again. Reb was a Golden Labrador, a thing not as common as you’d think in the sprawling metropolitan city of New York.
Note from Kathleen:
Please don't post more than the first 13 lines of your work here at Hatrack.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 08, 2003).]
Start with a descriptive line, not a line of monologue. In this case, start by saying, "Jimmy threw his /n_mod/ frisbee /v_pos_mod/ /n_pos/." Or something like that.
Also watch your tendancy to get creative with the sentence structure. For one thing, by avoiding what you think of as cliche usages, you're putting yourself in the danger of some truly barbaric linguistic contortions. For another, even if you end up with something novel but coherent that an experienced reader would like, you almost certainly won't end up with something that a younger reader will understand as easily.
I can't give you much more advice than that, sadly. I never read junior fiction, being weaned from picture books on A Planet Called Treason and Hart's Hope
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I, too, have been told that you should not begin a story with dialogue. Apparently it is warrying for a reader to try to imagine dialogue before they even know who is speaking. Likewise, it is a bad idea to have a character speak before introducing them. As an author, this is difficult to follow because we already know the character speaking and have no trouble.
Anyway, I'm afraid my knowledge of YA fiction is limited, but I have a few questions, just based on your opening lines. 1.) What is your intended age group? I understand that YA fiction should have a hero that is about 3 years older than the intended audience. 2.) How long is this supposed to be? A short story, a short novel? The reason is that so far you're talking about a boy playing frisbee with his dog (I know you posted more lines but Kathleen already cut them before I got here and the first 13 are very important.) If this is just a lead in to get Jimmy down the well, then we should already have some sense of danger about the well, whether this is a short story or a novel, but particularly if it's a short story. 3.) If you are fully immersed in limited 3rd person, you don't need to to say "Jimmy wondered." This is no longer necessary.
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I agree with Survivor and Christine about introducing your character sooner. Children like adults form their impressions of a story early. Childrens literature should primarily be about the character, they aren't as interested in issues or themes or whatever unless the character is engaging.
You compare Reb chasing a frisbee to a dog chasing a rabbit and later to a retriever with his kill. Similes make more of an impact if there is a more striking difference between the things being compared. It illicits a more interesting image for the reader. Maybe "like a speeding train" or something.
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