Crispin thought a few moments. Visions of drooling creatures with large teeth danced through his imagination. He shivered.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Crispin replied, a little too quickly. “Just a little chilly here is all.” Here happened to be halfway up a sheer cliff at the mouth of a gigantic cave. After a short pause he added, “I guess we can camp here for the night and proceed into the cavern tomorrow. I don’t look forward to leaving the sky behind.”
---->
I have about a full .doc page done. Let me know if you would like to read it via post or e-mail please.
posted
I will read your page if you send it as part of an email. I don't download .doc files though. Suffice it to say I am resonably interesedt, though first, two quick notes on the text presented.
quote:"Nothing.” Crispin replied, a little too quickly. “Just a little chilly here is all.”
I think this would read better without the comma after 'replied.'
quote: “I guess we can camp here for the night and proceed into the cavern tomorrow. I don’t look forward to leaving the sky behind.”
I think you should borrow a word from spelunking instead of saying 'proceed' in this sentence, or just some how make it sound a bit more casual, or even authoritarian if the speaker is indeed in a position of authority. I don't want to recommend the words, that is your choice, but here are some spelunking terminology links that might be useful.
posted
I agree with Phanto on the "Here happened to be" part. I also agree with Sharp about using proceed like that in dialogue; it sounds too formal. Overall, though, this is much better than your first version.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2004
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