posted
First time trying this. Let me know what you think.
Gyr peered into the blackness trying to discern the target of their attack. He was too far away to see anything and the dim, shifting silhouettes of his own clan were blocking his view. The biting wind shifted slightly, bringing the smell of smoldering campfires across the steppes. Soon the first light of day would reach out towards them, first illuminating the mountains far to the south, then tracing it’s way across the cold, desolate landscape in which he and his clan traveled and called home. When it was light enough to see but the sun had not risen, then they would strike. “You scared?” The boy next to him breathed into his cupped hands, steam escaped between his fingers and traced their way westward. Gyr glared at him. They were not permitted to speak. If they made any excess noise now they could lose the advantage of surprise. That in itself was a hard gained advantage on this flat, featureless plain.
posted
There's numerous things that bug me about the grammar and style of the prose, including a use of the contraction "it's" instead of the possessive (and correct, in this instance) "its". There are also many places where the sentences seem to run on, though nothing heinously 'incorrect', per se.
But all of that is just nitpicking your prose. You had some great description in there, and this really caught my interest. Good work.
posted
I think this was, in general, well-written. I have a few specific comments that I think could improve this passage, a few sentences that could perhaps be split or rearranged to add power to your already vivid description. These are, of course, only in my humble opinion and should be taken as such.
So...a line at a time...
"Gyr peered into the blackness[COMMA] trying to discern the target of their attack. He was too far away to see anything and the dim, shifting silhouettes of his own clan were blocking his view. [THIS SENTENCE SEEMS TO ME TO CONTAIN TWO DIFFERENT THOUGHTS THAT ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, GO TOGETHER. HE WAS TOO FAR AWAY TO SEE AND SILHOUETTED BLOCKED HIS VIEW. IF YOU REPHRASED IT, I THINK BOTH COULD GO IN THE SAME SENTENCE, BUT AS IT IS, IT FEELS MORE LIKE A RUN-ON] The biting wind shifted slightly, bringing the smell of smoldering campfires across the steppes. Soon the first light of day would reach out towards them, first illuminating the mountains far to the south, [AND?] then tracing it’s way across the cold, desolate landscape in which he and his clan traveled and called home. [IS THERE ANY WAY TO SPLIT THIS INTO TWO SENTENCES? WHEN YOU SWITCH FROM A VERY SHORT TO A VERY LONG SENTENCE AS YOU HAVE HERE, THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THE LONG SENTENCE MUST BE RIVETTING ENOUGH TO MAINTAIN FOCUS. IN THIS CASE, AS PRETTY AS YOUR DESCRIPTION WAS, I FELT I HAD TO REREAD THE SENTENCE SEVERAL TIMES TO UNDERSTAND. VARIED SENTENCE LENGTH IS IMPORTANT, THOUGH....YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB THERE.] When it was light enough to see but the sun had not risen, then they would strike. [PUTTING THE ACTION LAST SEEMED FLATTEN THIS SENTENCE. DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE STRONGER IF YOU STARTED WITH "THEY WOULD STRIKE..."?] “You scared?” The boy next to him breathed into his cupped hands, [HIM AND HIS...A LITTLE CONFUSING...PERHAPS USE A NAME TO REPLACE HIM?] steam escaped [I THINK THIS SHOULD BE ESCAPING] between his fingers and traced [LIKESIE, TRACING?] their way westward. Gyr glared at him. They were not permitted to speak. If they made any excess noise now they could lose the advantage of surprise. That in itself was a hard gained advantage on this flat, featureless plain.
posted
Great imagery! The cold and the dark and the smokey smell stick with me. Polish up the little things already pointed out, and I think it will be in good shape.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Thanks again for the comments, I'm gonna try it again. Let me know if this sounds better.
Gyr peered into the blackness, trying to discern the target of their attack. The shifting silhouettes of his own clan whispered back and forth in front of him, wraithlike in the dim light, blocking his view. The biting wind shifted slightly, bringing the smell of smoldering campfires across the steppes. Soon the first light of day would reach out towards them. Its glow would first illuminate the mountains far to the south and then trace its way across the cold, desolate landscape in which he and his clan called home. They would strike before the sun rose. “You scared?” Junko stood next to him, breathing into his cupped hands. Steam escaped between his fingers and threaded its way westward. Gyr glared at him. They were not permitted to speak. If they made any excess noise now they could lose the advantage of surprise. That in itself was a hard gained advantage on this flat, featureless plain.
posted
Junko, or the boy, or whatever he is, is too inexperienced to be there. He can serve no purpose except to either blow the raid or get himself killed, and is thus a literary Jar-Jar.
"Soon the first light of day would reach out towards them, first illuminating the mountains far to the south, then tracing it’s way across the cold, desolate landscape in which he and his clan traveled and called home. When it was light enough to see but the sun had not risen, then they would strike."
The sky is illuminated first, well before any mountains to the south would be lit. They would thus appear as dark shadows against a lighter sky when the time for the attack arrives. Most primative people don't consider their own homeland "desolate"...a word that means uninhabited or uninhabitable. It takes a pretty cosmopolitan attitude to regard the land you personally inhabit to be uninhabited.
"Gyr peered into the blackness, trying to discern the target of their attack. The shifting silhouettes of his own clan whispered back and forth in front of him, wraithlike in the dim light, blocking his view."
At the described hour, there wouldn't be campfires still burning openly. Nor would they be smouldering. Nor, in all likelyhood, would they be out in the open in the first place, if these steppes are regularly as cold as you depict. Nor do you state outright that he is looking for campfires. If he can't see because his clan-mates are getting in the way, then they aren't keeping a low enough profile.
This happens at night, without any artificial light. Neither Gyr nor any other character can see that "Steam escaped between his fingers and threaded its way westward." Nor does it seem likely to occur at all. If the boy is breathing into his hands because they are cold, then the condensation would mostly occur on the surfaces of his fingers and his palms.
And what is up with the name "Gyr"? How is it pronounced? G-yer, Jer, Jai-r, Gyre, Jear, Gere...I can think of a dozen different ways to pronounce that spelling, and I will think of them because it's a weird spelling and I would expect it to have a weird pronounciation. A similar difficulty comes up with "Junko" in slightly ameliorated form, I don't know whether to read it as "Junk-o" or "Yun-ko".
As far as I can tell, you've gotten the timing for a surprise attack about right, but gotten almost everything else wrong.
But, since nobody else has mentioned any of these things and I'm not a big fan of most Heroic Fantasy (because most HF is at this same level of implausibility), you can probably take or leave these comments.
posted
Some good improvements. It's scans more fluidly now. I'll just point out a couple more things I noticed this time through. Did you want us just to look at this intro, or did you have more you were offering to any interested? I'd love to look at more if you have it.
quote:Gyr peered into the blackness, trying to _discern_ the target of their attack.
Discern probably isn't quite the word you are looking for. It sounds like he's trying to choose what his target will be, rather then trying to make out his target.
quote:The shifting silhouettes of his own clan whispered back and forth in front of him, wraithlike in the dim light, blocking his view.
I would prefer something like "The silhouettes of his own clan shifted back and forth..." here. It makes shifting the main verb, which, to me, is more precise than "whispered back and forth." I can draw what it means as is, but I have to stop to think for a moment to see that "whispering" is refering to a motion, not a sound. You're preference though, really.
quote:The biting wind _shifted_ slightly, bringing the smell of smoldering campfires across the steppes.
Just wanted to point out "shifted/shifting" used two sentences in a row. For variety you might want to change one of them.
quote:Soon the first light of day would reach out towards them. Its glow would first illuminate the mountains far to the south and then trace its way across the cold, desolate landscape in which he and his clan called home. They would strike before the sun rose.
The mountains are south. Which way is that relative to the enemy? With detail so vivid, I find myself wanting to know where to place these mountains in the scene I've already sculpted in my head (and, it is detail, mind you, the less it halts the direction of the paragraph in conveying this information - unless it is a key detail for later - the better).
quote:“You scared?” Junko stood next to him, breathing into his cupped hands. Steam escaped between his fingers and threaded its way westward.
OK, now I feel like I'm getting way too nitpicky, but while I'm commenting on every sentence I might as well say what came to mind: It seems to me the steam of his breath would vanish before it has time to go in any particular direction.
quote:Gyr glared at him. They were not permitted to speak. If they made any excess noise now they could lose the advantage of surprise. That in itself was a hard gained advantage on this flat, featureless plain.
I like that a lot. This bit is what sets the hook for me. Adds suspense.
I like it. It shows in the fact that I noticed the little things. If you have more to it, I'd love to see it. If not, I look forward to seeing it.
quote:"Steam escaped between his fingers and threaded its way westward." Nor does it seem likely to occur at all. If the boy is breathing into his hands because they are cold, then the condensation would mostly occur on the surfaces of his fingers and his palms.
Other than the thread westward being a little bit of a stretch -- maybe a slight drift as a nod to plausibility -- I can easily picture my brothers and I in the country huffing and puffing into our gloves and looking like little steam locomotives. I buy it.
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
Thanks again, TheoPhilol your comments were very helpful and if you're truly interested, send me an email and I can explain the project and where it's going. It's not short.
Kolona, Those were the same memories I was thinking of when I wrote that line. Riding up the ski lift in Vermont, but I agree, the drifting westward is a stretch, maybe it should just dissipate into the night.
Survivor, you've given me some things to think about,and maybe I need to clarify them. But isn't Fantasy, by definition, somewhat implausable?
posted
Yes, and most HF seems to have no idea that some things need to be plausible for discerning readers to enjoy it.
My rule of thumb is that you should have only a few major departures from our own reality, like the magic system and the history/geography of the world itself. Other things, like gravity, human behavior, effective tactica, the behavior of light...pretty much anything that can be the same as in our world should be.
For instance, when you breathe into your hands to keep them warm, you use just enough breath to warm your hands. You don't waste warm breath on making a condensation trail that no one can see. This is human behavior. If you are panting because you've been exerting yourself physically, then you might cup your hands in order to retain warmth and moisture, but loss some of both anyway. But this is not what you describe. When a nomadic tribe plans a raid in which surprise is critical, they only take warriors that have had some experience gained on raids where surprise wasn't critical (such as a raid on a much smaller party). When people live in a cold climate, they learn to make their fires inside their shelters. Nobody wastes firewood keeping fires smouldering in the middle of the night if they live on a steppe...they learn to bank down the embers for the night.
There are also the reader issues. There is no point in naming your character with an unusual name if the reader is going to flounder about trying to pronounce it. There is no point in trying to establish POV if you casually violate it whenever you feel the whim. There is no point in contriving events and characters that readers are going to find contrived and unrealistic.
The problem with fiction generally, and with speculative fiction and HF particularly, is that the writer can never say, "but that's what really happened" in defense of his work. This means that it is vital that the reader never say "Oh come on!" Because you, as a fiction and especially as a fantasy writer, haven't got a rejoiner. "It's fantasy!" will prompt my response, "that's exactly why I don't read fantasy."
And yet, I do read fantasy, and lots of it. I just don't read stuff that casually violates internal plausibility. Not many people do, come to think of it.
posted
Up here on the Canadian border it is normal on a cold winter day to breath on your hands and see vapor rise and drift with the prevailing wind, however I would not call it 'steam'. The sun on the southern mountains doesn't seem right to me, was the idea that the days were short and the sun appeared to rise in the south? or shine from the north?
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