posted
Alyssa edged around the courtyard, avoiding trampling disciples feet when she could and begging pardon when she could not. She found a place to stand against the wall in the shade. Strange, she thought, that the people would stand in the blistering sun to listen to this prophet and leave this shade wasted, only a handful of paces farther from the stand.
“Is food for the belly more important than food for the soul?” The prophets voice bellows across the area unaided by a microphone.
“NO” replies the enthralled crowd.
“And is personal safety more important that personal salvation?” The mob begins to raise their voice again but is halted by a finger. “This day you must choose between things of the flesh and things of the spirit. You must choose between physical satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment. You must choose between safety and salvation, for in this world you cannot have both.”
“Sister Alysandra, what do you choose? You separate your self from your brothers and sisters, which begs the question why.”
quote:Alyssa edged around the courtyard, avoiding trampling disciples disciples'? feet when she could and begging pardon when she could not. She found a place to stand against the wall in the shade. Strange, she thought, that the people would stand in the blistering sun to listen to this prophet and leave this shade wasted, only a handful of paces farther from the stand. “Is food for the belly more important than food for the soul?” The prophets prophet's? voice bellows here you switch from past to present tense, which is odd to say the least, and you remain in present tense for the rest of this passage across the area unaided by a microphone.
“NO” "NO,"? replies the enthralled crowd.
“And is personal safety more important that personal salvation?” The mob begins to raise their voice again ...begins to raise their voice again, but is...? but is halted by a finger. “This day you must choose between things of the flesh and things of the spirit. You must choose between physical satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment. You must choose between safety and salvation, for in this world you cannot have both.”
“Sister Alysandra, I assume you're referring to Alyssa, and giving her full name and/or formal name, but this early in the story it serves to confuse the reader, using two different tags for one person what do you choose? You separate your self from your brothers and sisters, which begs the question why.”
Other than that, I found it interesting, and was curious to see where you were going. The biggest problems were the shift from past to present tense and the problems involving forgetting to use the possessive noun forms...
posted
you will forgive my grammar. =) i have been in the army for 4 years now, and much of highschool has been forgotten. =) i think that alyssa and alysandra are close enough to avoid confusion, and also establish that she does not think of herself as "sister alysandra", her cult name if you will. she thinks of herself in a much formal way.
i do need to change the tense issues. which did you perfer, or rather which better serves the story, the past tense or the present tense? i am new to writing (about 6 months of serious writing) and am still new to things like tense and point of view.
posted
I liked it. I agree with some of the things previously said, but I'm also left with a somewhat incomplete picture. How big is the crowd? I mean, if there are throngs of people, how would he notice poor little Alyissa standing way in the back. And who are they? I'm kind of seeing Middle Easterners with big robes and turbins and that sort of thing, but it may be in central park as well. Very different picture.
posted
Past tense. I've read well written (and even brilliantly written) present tense, and the only advantage is that certain literary professors will think it is avant garde. Which it isn't, it simple never catches on, now matter how often otherwise brilliant writers try it to prove themselves "unconventional".
There's a reason for this particular convention, namely that almost all narrative storytelling is based on talking about events that have already happened to someone who wasn't (note the past tense) there. The only exception is radio drama, which strives for the illusion that the narrative is not a narrative at all, but a blow by blow account of things as they occur.
Since a written work, by its very nature, can never pull this off, only use present tense in writing a play (screen, stage, or radio). This is a bright line divider, any work that the audience will read must be in past tense.
Aside from that, the nits are all pretty minor things. The story itself is strong thus far. You establish POV straightaway, give us some physical setting (though a little more might well be desireable, and plausible as well, especially some idea as to the nature and provenance of this courtyard), move right into some action, and give us a Situation right up front.
Still, I'll wait for a version that is entirely in the right tense.
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