I'm a new member of this forum, and I'm in the process of writing a fantasy YA novel. I'd like to receive feedback over the first 13 (or kind of) lines: since it's a first draft, any suggestion/critique/comment will be helpful!

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Chapter one: The Nightmare.

I shall sing you at full speed,
why the leer of ailing greed,
magic powers to betray
made two rivals seeking fray.

Jason woke, his eyes filled with the shape of that man coming out the obscurity. That man was a sight too terrible to bear; he oozed wildly with freedom, as if that freedom he had craved for thousands of years.

In the murky early morning light filtering through his bedroom blinds, Jason saw that dreadful figure looking at him from the dim shapes of his desk. A shiver ran down his spine before realising that, in truth, it was just a Father Christmas’ picture staring back. Probably Mum put it there, she had the bad habit of entering his room while he slept and decorating it, when Christmas came.

A loud snort and grunting jarred the air above. Kevin, still sound asleep. Suddenly, Jason realised the alarm clock was electrifying the room with its harsh, aching noise.

‘Jay, turn that that thing off,’ Kevin muttered, his voice muffled by the pillow covering his head. Jason’s hand shot out to the alarm as he sat up mechanically on his bed and bumped his head on the upper slat.

‘Ouch.’

He had forgotten, he was sleeping in the bottom bunk -- he rubbed his sore forehead.
His head was aching, his body was shaking from the cold, and his throat was dry as if he had just screamed. He didn’t have any memory of screaming, though.

Odd.

He fell back onto his bed, eyes shut, savouring the warmth of his cocoon, the softness of his pillow.

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Tell me what do you think of this revised version. I have changed it a lot since last time I have put it up here and sent it to a few people who had asked it.

The four verses stanza at the top of the chapter is part of a ballad that I'll add at the top of each chapter of the fiction.

Oh, I was forgetting: the story uses the British format and spelling, because it's set in the UK.

Survivor: I have made treasure of your suggestions and have tried to make the story more characteristic, trying to show more typical things of britain, but I don't know if I did it well. The problem is that none of the British people I asked to read the chapters had something to complain about it. However, I've added things I thought could be useful to set better the story.

For instance, I was frankly suprised when I got that he woke up in a bed (yeah, I had to read it twice to figure that out). When you wake up in a bed, you usually have to swing your legs off the bed before standing up. Also, thinking about this, I'm guessing that either this is Kevin's house or else Jason doesn't usually have an upper bunk. Otherwise it would be rather odd that he banged his head on the upper bunk getting up. And the passage has Kevin's snort and grunting being heard before the pain occurs...so it didn't seem immediately connected to the fact that Jason had just whacked his head on something.

Little things, things that probably won't really hurt you...but then again, this is a fantasy novel for young adults. In fantasy and SF, clarity of setting and action is critical because the reader can't assume as many things as they can assume for a realistic work. And younger readers tend to make the wrong assumption if you give them any leeway. When you used "funny" rather than "odd" or "strange", it came off wrong. Probably for that very reason.

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For instance, I was frankly suprised when I got that he woke up in a bed (yeah, I had to read it twice to figure that out). When you wake up in a bed, you usually have to swing your legs off the bed before standing up.

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My bad. Jason doesn't actually stand up, rather he sits down on the bed. You know when you wake up all of sudden from a nightmare and you just jump up sitting down on the bed where you were previously laying? Which is a better word to put this in English? I didn't realise that "stand up" meant actually leaving the bed and standing on your feet. Suggestions are welcome, because I really don't know which is the correct English word. "Sit down" just doesn't ring true, because it assumes sitting *down*, so you must already be standing. I don't think "sit up" do exist in English.

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Also, thinking about this, I'm guessing that either this is Kevin's house or else Jason doesn't usually have an upper bunk. Otherwise it would be rather odd that he banged his head on the upper bunk getting up.

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Thank you again. I didn't think at it, this is fully my fault of never having slept in a bunk bed but having my character live in a room with one. I didn't think that he might be used to that, I just thought that it could be funny that he banged his head over the bunk bed (he does that two times, one when he wakes up and one when his sister calls him and tells him that it's quarter to eight, and he realises he's in late for school). Actually, this is Jason's room and Jason's bed.

I think I will resolve this pointing out that Jason normally sleeps on the upper bed, but when Kevin comes to sleep at his house, Jason sleeps in the under bed, because Kevin is taller. So Jason's not very used to sleep in that particular bed, that's why he bangs his head twice. Thanks for the suggestion.

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And the passage has Kevin's snort and grunting being heard before the pain occurs...so it didn't seem immediately connected to the fact that Jason had just whacked his head on something.

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Other good suggestion. In truth Kevin grumbles because Jason had screamed before waking up (this is why his throat feels dry as if he had screamed). But when you wake up, it's difficult you remember what you did when you were sleeping a moment ago. Jason doesn't remember having screamed. Kevin will ask him why did he scream a few lines under the first 13 lines =.= (unfortunately I could only post 13 lines, sad rule you have here. But I understand it, because the beginning of a piece is the most critical part of it). But maybe addying Jason who felt pain before kevin's grumble can sound less awkward to the youngers. Thanks

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And younger readers tend to make the wrong assumption if you give them any leeway. When you used "funny" rather than "odd" or "strange", it came off wrong. Probably for that very reason.

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Thanks again! I think I'll go for "Odd". Once again, this comes out from my problem of choosing the right words

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You seem to be beginning the story right at the point when magical powers begin to impact Jason's ordinary life. An important point, since most younger readers will have difficulty plunging straight into a new magical milieu or waiting about in a mundane setting before the story gets interesting.

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Thank you! I was scared that people could think I didn't start "in medias res", because the true problem of Jason will come out only on chapter 3, when his father will be kidnapped by Loki (a Norse's deity) and Jason will need to look for a way to free him. However, I thought it was awkward to start the story with Jason's dad being kidnapped. It was an instinct feeling, but you've just confirmed my feeling with a good rational reason. Now I feel better and I really think I started the book in the right way.

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And the little verse heading the chapters is a nice touch, particularly as this verse seems to foreshadow the development of the relationship between Jason and Kevin.

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Err . . . I can see from where this came to you. Reading only the first thirteen lines of the story, of course it gives this idea. It's a nice thing, though, because I like using the "rule of the three" and the reader will face two fake possible 'enemies' of Jason (firstly, these verses make the reader think Jason will face Kevin, who's his best friend; in second instance there's a boy who Jason hates and who will make his appearance on Jason's and Kevin's way to school) before falling into the right one (who is Loki, of course). I was a bit unsure about the need of addying something, but you removed to me any doubt.

The verses talk about a complete different thing, as they're the starting stanza of a ballad, which I add a stanza at the top of each chapter of the book.

This story has three plots that interlace together. It should be the first book of a 5 books' project, and the plot to which the ballad hints is the inner one, the one which gives the meaning of the whole story.

I'm happy that it gives somehow the wrong impression. It makes people think that there will be a figh about magic, which is true and was something I wanted to accomplish, but it puts the focus on the wrong person, because it should foreshadow something that will be understood later.

I don't know if this makes much sense . . . it makes sense for me, though.

If anybody is interested in reading the full first chapter, just add his or her e-mail in the reply, I'll send the chapter by mail .

[This message has been edited by jpwriter (edited April 26, 2004).]

Send me the first chapter. I just finished a YA fantasy novel, so my brain is still in that mode.

I've got to agree with Survivor, that I was surprised that he was in a bed. I think the word "murkiness" set me up for being outdoors. I tend to associate 'murkiness' with darkness caused by something obscuring the light (like mud or fog) rather than a room that is not lit.

Oh, "sat up" is an English expression. You may safely use it.

I'm also going to suggest that you might look for a collaborator on the ballad. Verse is always tricky, and if you are working in a second language it might help you to ensure that the ballad flows smoothly and means what you intend it to mean.

Mary Robinette
maryrk@earthlink.net

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 26, 2004).]

Thank you very much for having told me about the "sat up" word. I'll make the changes Survivor has suggested and send to you the chapter!

I have changed the things Survivor suggested to me, and edited the first post.

Anyway, "darkness" is not exactly what I meant to use.

I wanted to describe that type of half-darkness half-light you have in a room when you have venetian slats at the windows . . . you know, darkness with very faint light. In Italian it's called "penombra" and my dictionary calls it "murkiness". But maybe I have just to describe the effect . . . I'm afraid it will slow down the part, though.

Oh: I must still fix the detail of the bed (clear the fact Jason normally sleeps on the upper bed and not where he's sleeping right now). I'll think at it tonight and see how to put it.

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I wanted to describe that type of half-darkness half-light you have in a room when you have venetian slats at the windows . . . you know, darkness with very faint light.

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"Faint morning light" or "dim light" would work instead of "darkness" if that is what you are referring to. You can even add in the venetian slats part (Here in the US we call them venetian blinds; I don't know about British terms.) to clarify the setting a bit: "Jason woke and blinked in the faint morning light that shown the venetian blinds ."

I wonder . . . is there a reason that I must introduce the venetian blinds from the first 13 lines? I ask because I had cleared the place from where the light filtered a bit further in the story. (oh, it was venetian blinds, I'm sorry about that, I just typed slat instead than blind ^^; )

This is the first paragraph of page three:

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The upper bunk creaked and Kevin’s feet appeared suddenly, blocking Jason’s view. The light filtered through the venetian blinds, shining upon the otherwise invisible dust that was floating lazily in the air. Jason stared at something that was hovering near Kevin’s right foot. The smell of musty air was filling his lungs in such a way that made him feel like he’d explode. He still couldn’t bring himself to get up though.

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Anyway, I have edited the first post to show the changes I have made to the first paragraph, following your suggestions. I'll leave for tomorrow fixing the bed thing. please tell me if it's better now.

I think you can keep the "murkiness" from the earlier draft if you immediately identify that we are in Jason's bedroom, otherwise, as a reader, I'll use your descriptive word choices to try to guess at location.

For instance.

"Jason woke and blinked in the murky early morning light that illuminated his bedroom."

I just finished reading the full chapter. It's a fine, fine read. I am up past my bedtime because of it.

Mary Robinette

I have read the chapter you have edited and I am pondering on the things you've pointed out before changing them and sending the chapter back to you. Thank you for the great feedback

I have edited the first message to show the changes I have done to the first lines, with your help and that of Mary, who was so kind to read the full first chapter and demand for the second one ^_^;

I have also added th change about the bunk bed. Let me know if now's better.

I went through the chapter today and removes more than the 10% of the words cutting useless stuff. I'm proud of myself . . . even though I don't know how much of my changes were correct grammatically.

I'll need somebody to go through the chapter to edit my bad grammar and bad use of language in the edited chapter.

Oh, and thank you to you too, Gen!

The stuff Jason can't remember is little in its specificity, but will be important later on. You're giving to me the doubt that maybe I should start the book with the dream. I was told it's not a good thing to do, though.

But I think that there is also a structural problem. Jason wakes to the sight of this man, rather than from the dream of him. I suppose that this is to be covered by the fact that he mistakes the picture of St. Nick for the man from his dream...but it doesn't stop there.

"But he couldn’t think of it now."

That line halts Jason in his progress to awareness and lets you get in a bit more exposition of the dream. It could be done without the feeling that you're the one doing it (as the author, I mean), but I think that you can just as well not bother doing it at all.

Then, as soon as you're done expositing the dream, Jason pops up and hits his head. There isn't any motive for him to sit up suddenly like that, though.

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Hmmm...this feels a bit off. Some of it is probably minor word choice and English syntax issues; "obscurity", "oozed wildly", "as if that freedom". Those all stood out as being not quite right.

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Why?

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But I think that there is also a structural problem. Jason wakes to the sight of this man, rather than from the dream of him. I suppose that this is to be covered by the fact that he mistakes the picture of St. Nick for the man from his dream...but it doesn't stop there.

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Mhhhhh actually jason wakes *because* he has seen that man coming out the darkness and he got scared. This is why "he wakes, the eyes still filled with that image". I don't understand what's wrong with this phrase, can you help me understand it?

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That line halts Jason in his progress to awareness and lets you get in a bit more exposition of the dream. It could be done without the feeling that you're the one doing it (as the author, I mean), but I think that you can just as well not bother doing it at all.

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Good objection, I have removed the line and it flows better

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Then, as soon as you're done expositing the dream, Jason pops up and hits his head. There isn't any motive for him to sit up suddenly like that, though.

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Mhhhhhh Maybe I can fix it adding the clock ringing. Good objection, thanks.

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Why did you change this sequence so much?

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When I say that Jason wakes to the sight of this man rather than from his dream, I meant the simple chronology. Jason wakes, then sees the man. Yes, it is clear that he also saw him in the dream, but....

Likewise, I wasn't just talking about the particular line "But he couldn’t think of it now." I meant that it marked the point in the narrative at which you halt Jason's progress towards waking and force him to think about the dream. Taking out just that line doesn't change the fact that you have Jason waking up and recognizing his room, and then suddenly you shove his awareness back into the dream state without any character motive or causality (either or both of which could easily be provided). Aside from that, you're overselling the dream. The reader doesn't have any reason to care yet. Kid's have strange dreams sometimes (so do old people, for that matter).

You can use a dream to tell us a little bit about the character's unconscious mind, or to set a mood. But before you can use it as a major element of plot exposition, you must establish that this character's dreams are more than just dreams. So far, we haven't got that, and we can't get that. Nothing about the dream itself can tell us that Jason's dreams are prophetic...just like the text of a story itself can't verify that it's a true story rather than fiction.

Of course you're right, so I changed the part, adding the description only later on, when it was needed.

Similarly I'd change this to, "THE man was a sight too terrible to bear; he oozed wildly with freedom, as if he had craved THAT FREEDOM for thousands of years."

"oozed wildly" is a strange enough description that it pulls me out of the story trying to figure out what you mean.

Besides that, I think that your structure is much better here.

Il vostro uso dell'inglese è benissimo. Non si corroda.