posted
This piece is supposed to have a satirical aspect to it. I just wanted to make sure that the narrative style works, I've never tried to write with a comedic element before. Thanks.
“Great.” Jeremy's words had the exact tone of an eight year old boy whose puppy had just squatted on the floor. As he shuffled through the steaming pile of bills he had pulled from the mailbox he separated the few with a large red “Final Notice” stamped on the front and let the rest fall into the trash. He tossed the survivors onto the small kitchen table and reached for the phone. Dialing the number, he let his frustration build. “Hi, Lenny?” He tried to at least start out nice. “Yeah, this is Jeremy Carmike.” His face twisted at the response. “You should remember me, I'm the one you laid off instead of your nephew.” So much for the nice approach. “Yeah, I still haven't gotten my last paycheck.” His words were accusatory, to say the least. ... “I don't care if you don't do payroll, they told me to call you a week ago.”
Or are you going for a comic narrator voice? If you're going for a comic narrator voice...ah, read some of the old guys, see how they would do it.
Either way, I would recommend that you avoid starting with a line of dialogue, unless that line accomplishes a lot.
quote:“Last bid on item 12 is twenty-one thousand, five-fifty. Are there any further bids on this 324x series automated point defense battery?”
Look at this line and see how it sets up an entire scene. Then look at the line "Great." Even with the extensive description of how the word is uttered, we still have almost nothing.
If you're going for a narrative voice, then start with your narrator's voice. Don't lapse into spare narration of actions, either. Keep the narrator character before the reader's eyes. Would your witty fellow really just sit there and recite the bare observables, things that any dullard might notice? Nonsense. He's being paid far too well in your time and effort for either you or him to allow anything of the sort. The entire essence of the comic narrator is his refusal to efface himself, he constantly mugs for the camera...well, metaphorically speaking, in this particular case, since he has no visible existence off your page. But certainly, he steals every scene that isn't nailed down and on fire.
An occasional interjection of sly wit just won't do.
On the other hand, you can go with the completely naive POV character who simply doesn't realize how screamingly funny the entire story must seem to the reader...doesn't even know that there are readers.
Or you can go with the POV character who has his own little stand-up comedian yukking it up in the back of his mind while he desperately tries to deal with the hectic intricacies of enormously important situations.
In any case, kick it off. Release the hounds. Cry Havoc! And leave us on the floor.
posted
You know, this had a kind of first person feel. With a couple of minor word changes this would really feel like the early Anita Blake type of narrator (or Stephanie Plum or Amelia Peabody or Mary Russell-- they're common in mysteries), narrating while making snide comments about life, but simultaneously getting into insanely funny situations that aren't funny at all to them. Laughter on multiple levels-- definitely a narrative style I love.
Although some people hate it, and if you develop a seperate snide or wisecracking persona for your narrator, that could be strong too. I agree with Survivor about the "great," but I also think some of the details you have here (the red stamped bills in particular) were great. Definitely got a strong impression of the character from those. (Although small but important details are the kind of thing a first-person narrator leaks unintentionally, as opposed to a third person narrator, who's going to go for the throat on the big stuff the first person won't want to admit, so what do I know?)
All in all, this probably isn't enough to get a perfect glimpse into the narrative voice, but the attitude and the actions were building up a very strong picture for me.
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