posted
EDIT: I've removed a few and added a few, and changed somewhat to see if I could resurrect poor giavanis reputation, and entertain this crowd a bit more....
The sun slowly peered over earth's golden horizon, once again hiding the city of angels. The night had been long, and Giavani's body sorely missed the sleep, but the anguish in his heart from having watched the strange occurrences above was far more tiresome than having missed a few hours in a hard-cold bed. He threw the rotten insect infested blanket from his shoulders, and began to quickly cover his great secret for yet another day. Soon, he would be kneeling amongst his friends and neighbors, repeating the words that had been so carefully constructed to keep his kind fearful and ignorant. It was during this time, that the words of his mother would ring clearly in the back of his mind, "What we have been forced to call the church since the day of your great grandfather, is a mockery to even the blindly faithful. We know the angel city is there, and that our evils are causing the lights to fade, one at a time. It is an unfortunate burden we must accept, to watch again for the sign of their love regardless of what we must suffer for it. Trust in our meager hidden science, Giavani, and one day you may yet see a new light in the heavens."
posted
Your pages need some work, I had to keep viewing the source to try and figure out what each page was supposed to do. And there didn't seem to be a lot of ramblings. That's okay, though. I still haven't got around to finishing my web pages, as someone or other noticed the other day.
POV-wise, this opening would seem okay, but you've chosen a pretty unreliable character. As best as I can determine, he is of the belief that some human agency is causing the stars to fade, one by one. And that some other human agency is going to start making new stars.
Frankly, that doesn't inspire a lot of confidence, particularly when he writes off everyone that doesn't share his belief system as being "fearful and ignorant".
If this is going to turn out to be SF, where there is a literal city in the sky of some sort which is affected by human actions on Earth (or non-human actions on some other planet--whatever) you should probably hint around about it.
Overall, the impression is of one remarkably superstitious peasant looking around and thinking that nobody else could possibly be more enlightened than himself.
But the writing itself is okay. Just a little flowery, a bit too much style over rather inferior substance. I think that you may be starting in a bad spot...with this opening, there is little to feel for the character but condescending pity (which I don't actually feel--but some people like that sort of thing). Besides, you move into a flashback by the end of this. That also makes me think that you would be better off starting somewhere else.
Try an opening that shows more of the character's good qualities, not just how pathetic he is.
posted
Thanks for the input, on both web and the story. I have been trying to work on my page a bit, and the only mostly complete page is the moments, which is a random poem that shows every time you select the page -- thus my ramblings...
As far as the story, the effect i was trying for was to portray a society that is void of hope, and really the main character is really ahead of everyone else. I will continue to try to find a way to reveal as much at the beginning.
quote:i was trying for was to portray a society that is void of hope
Um. Well - short of actually putting in this sentence: "The society was void of hope" it's not the kind of thing you're going accomplish in 13 lines. I wouldn't sweat trying to jam everything in there.
Survivor makes an excellent point about the kinda flowery language. A mild change of style may help you achieve the sense of hopelessness you want your readers to latch onto.
quote: The sun slowly peered over earth's golden horizon, once again hiding the city of angels. The night had been long, and Giavani's body sorely missed the sleep, but the anguish in his heart from having watched the strange occurrences above was far more tiresome than having missed a few hours in a hard-cold bed. might serve to split this sentence up, it's a little run-on and a bit confusing
He threw the rotten-> , <- insect infested blanket from his shoulders, and began to quickly cover his great secret for yet another day. Soon, he would be kneeling amongst his friends and neighbors, repeating the words that had been so carefully constructed to keep his kind fearful and ignorant.
It was during this time get rid of the comma here, that the words of his mother would ring clearly in the back of his mind I'd suggest replacing this comma with a colon, "What we have been forced to call the church since the day of your great grandfather again I'd get rid of this comma, is a mockery to even the blindly faithful. We know the angel city is there, and that our evils are causing the lights to fade, one at a time. It is an unfortunate burden we must accept, to watch again for the sign of their love regardless of what we must suffer for it. Trust in our meager hidden science, Giavani, and one day you may yet see a new light in the heavens."
As for the fragment itself, no real criticisms. Sounds interesting to me, nicely established POV, decent exposition... not bad.
[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited April 30, 2004).]
posted
CCW is right, the language makes the character seem a bit...you know, full of himself.
Try being a bit clearer about what you're saying. Define "city of angels" if it isn't the night sky. What strange occurrences did Giavani watch? Tell us what his "great secret" is. Explain these "words that had been so carefully constructed to keep his kind fearful and ignorant." What are they, how do they keep his kind fearful and ignorant?
What have they been forced to call the church? Note that this can be read in two senses, one would be the name they've been forced to call the church, the other would be the entity they've been forced to call "the church". It could even mean both senses, but you don't clarify what senses apply, if any.
Does he have this little flashback every day, while he's covering his "great secret"? Strange fellow.
Some of these things could be called POV issues, and the unanswered questions do make the character seem a bit murky minded. But the deeper issue is that you're cloaking your failure to inform the reader in costume jewelry. Right now we don't get a sense of a society devoid of hope, because we've only got this one character, who seems devoid of sense rather than hope.
One thing I like early in a scene is a sense of the physical setting the character experiences. Right now, we have a hard-cold bed, presumably outside, and an insect riddled blanket. We don't know if Giavani was lying on the bed, or sitting up, or standing, or anything concrete about what he's actually doing. Does he cover his "great secret" with the blanket? Or does he put on some kind of clothing?
Writing is a process of communication, the strength of your writing is inseparable from the clarity of your meanings. Right now, you make nothing clear. No matter how pretty your phrases, they are empty. Fill those spaces with clear statements.
posted
I agree with survivor on the 'too many unanswered questions' problem. I feel like you are throwing out too many hooks too fast without enough bait on them to attract any fish. City of angels, strange occurences, the great secret, the carefully constructed words, the ignorance, the fading lights, the signs of love, the hidden science. There are too many unexplained things for me to keep track of as the narrative continues. Explain them to me now, even a skeletal understanding, and I'll accept them more fully later on. Or, even better, give me a full understanding now of one or two of the most key elements and introduce the others later.
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
OOPS! I forgot to give you praise with the criticism. I am intrigued by what you are setting up here. I think you have the basis for a good story. I really enjoyed the language and description of the first paragraph, though I agree, it's a little sparse.
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
given the comments posted, i've added a few lines .... seems to conform, but hopefully my peers will judge me..
As the cover of night was replaced by the light, Giavani began to quickly conceal his great secret for another day. Within the hour, he would be kneeling amongst his neighbors and countless others, repeating words that had been crafted to keep the lower classes fearful and ignorant.
It was always during this time that the words of his mother would ring clearly in the back of his mind as she explained the importance of thier faith, and the necessity of their secret. His breath was labored as he navigated the rocky path back into the city, and thought of how it must have been in his grandfather's day, before the church had been changed into the blasphemy that it is today.
But today, as his knees cramped on the stone floor of the prayer yard, these thoughts did not seem to matter much. Nothing mattered. Just a few hours before, he had witnessed the last of the lights fading from the heavens. There was no longer a hope for mankind, and no further hope of heaven. Its gates were closed. The colonies had lived with a fear too great for too long, and now they were left alone in the universe. With all of this weighing on his mind, his next act was not one of great bravery but more of despair. That is why he pulled a weathered page from his coat pocket in plain view of all the church, unfolded it along the darkest of the yellow stains, and began to read to himself.
posted
Vastly improved. But I don't much like the first line--the rhyme of 'night' and 'light' is distracting. Try a more descriptive passage (a few lines, maybe) of the coming of morning and where Giavani is. Give me senses--sight, sound, smell. Set the stage. Bring me into Giavani's world. And why is his breathing labored? Is he old? Ill? Has he had to come a long way? Is the pathway steep?
The second paragraph is quite strong (as long as you set up--perhaps in the first paragraph--why his breathing is labored).
posted
Improved, but not a vast improvement. You're still forcing the reader to guess about too many things. For example, I'm still guessing that his "great secret" is this page he keeps in his pocket...and I have no idea what significance, if any, it has.
Also didn't like the night/light bit.
But more importantly, while you've addressed certain specific questions, you haven't changed the tendency of the text as a whole to obfuscate rather than communicate. Too much of what you've written simply has no readily discernable meaning. If the reader can't figure out what you're saying, it doesn't matter how cleverly you use words...they don't accomplish anything. Simply cut everything that doesn't have a clear meaning.
posted
unbelievable! I just found that ie6 does not respect html comments! So thanks to those who have visited, but using IE you may not have a very pleasant experience, and for that I apoogize.
posted
I just noted of the two commenters I have seen so far, there has been a bit of divergence of whether dramatic language is seen as good or bad. I actually prefer it when reading, and obviously do so when writting.
So needless to say, I feel the need for more suggestion and thought on this topic, if such support os available...
posted
Dramatic language should express something. It is not good or bad in and of itself...but only as any other language is "good" or "bad". What a word means, or whether it has any meaning at all, determins whether it is valuable enough to be worth putting on the page.
Any language that doesn't serve to communicate with the reader is pointless. You remove those words for the sake of clarity, just like you try to adjust your radio to get rid of static. Quite a bit of that static is actually other transmissions, if you tuned into the static it would often turn out to be another program or song you could understand.
But injected randomly into a different context, it is just meaningless noise. This kind of interference can come from Beethoven or DQ Dred, it doesn't matter.
Your obsession with whether the language is pretty enough blinds you to whether it means anything. I think that your language should be even more lyrical than it is now...but I think that it should also be saying something the reader can understand.
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