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Of Life and Limb

Blood trickled from the corner of Wert’s mouth, running down his chin in a thin red line. He glanced down, eyes straining to focus on the blade lodged in his chest. Moments later his sword clattered to the floorboards as both knees gave out. Wert writhed as if struck by a bolt of lightning…different only in that it seemed to touch him over and over again. His hand clawed at the coarse wooden floor, trying to reach the feet of his killer. A death rattle bubbled from his lips as his body tensed for the last time and relaxed into oblivion.

The dagger’s owner sighed as he stooped to retrieve his weapon. Kave grimaced as he pulled it free, taking a moment to wipe the blade clean on the corpse’s tunic. The dagger had saved his life many times in the past, and would likely do so again in times to come. In all likelihood, the boisterous young man would still be alive, if not for the bounty on Kave's head. What was it up to, now…three thousand? Not that such things really mattered. This fellow would have tried his luck for less than a tenth of the actual sum.

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So...whaddaya think? Eeeaaahhh...so-so? A basic plot synopsis would say something like: fugitive-based story set in a fictional country called Woodrell. Basically, King tells Chief General (Kave) to massacre a village of dwarves (who are innocent, despite an ongoing war between said king and the dwarven realm). Chief General, however, tells King to sit on a pile of rusty caltrops. King gets angry...blah, blah, blah. I have an interesting batch of curve balls ready for this one (at least, I hope they're interesting).

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His hand clawed at the coarse wooden floor, trying to reach the feet of his killer.

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Yes, it is a bit rough, the language choppy. It doesn't read smoothly. But the thing that bothers me the most is that you gave a name to the man who dies in the first paragraph. If this is his only appearance in the story I certainly don't want to become involved enough in who he is to know his name.

I really like the image I get in the line:
"...eyes straining to focus on the blade lodged in his chest." But "glancing down," and "straining to focus," can't really coexist in the same act, can they? Which is he doing? A casual glance, or a frantic stare?

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Posted by djvdakota:
I really like the image I get in the line:
"...eyes straining to focus on the blade lodged in his chest." But "glancing down," and "straining to focus," can't really coexist in the same act, can they? Which is he doing? A casual glance, or a frantic stare?

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Good point. I'll take another look and correct some of the contradictory descriptions. Thanks for the comments.

Still, going by that standard, you wait far too long to establish that Kave is the POV character. The reader really has no way to even guess that Kave is the POV character till the second paragraph, and I couldn't be sure till the inlined SOC bit at the end (I guess that, technically, even those don't make it certain).

So yeah...that can be fixed by simply adding "Kave watched..." to the first line and recasting a few sentances. Maybe throw in an observation or two interspersed with the description of Wert's demise.

I think that I agree with the consensus that your description works well. Or maybe there isn't a consensus on that point. In any case, it works well enough. Some odd bits, like the bolt of lightning description (I don't care whether it's accurate or not, it sounds a bit off).

Most of all, I think that the direction this goes is a good intro for the POV character, since you're mostly taking it from his reaction to the necessity of killing this guy. Is it the best intro possible? I can't say...meaning I can't think of a better intro based on what you've told us so far. But we get the character level info right up front (i.e. a guy that can easily use a dagger to kill a swordsman), and we segue nicely into a bit of character history (the bounty, and presumably the short version of why it's so large).

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Blood trickled from the corner of Wert’s mouth, running down his chin in a thin red line. The mortally wounded man stared in confusion, eyes straining to focus on a blade lodged in his own chest. Moments later his crude sword clattered to the floorboards as both knees gave out.

Kave watched in silence as the would-be bounty hunter pitched forward, writhing as if struck by a bolt of lightning. The farmer’s calloused hand clawed at the coarse wooden floor, seeming to reach for the feet of his killer in sheer desperation. A death rattle bubbled from bloody lips as Wert's body tensed for the last time and relaxed into oblivion.

Kave sighed as he stooped to retrieve his weapon, grimacing as it rasped against the dead man's ribcage. He took a moment to wipe the blade clean on the corpse’s tunic before slipping it back into his boot. The weapon had saved his life many times in the past, and would likely do so again in the uncertain days ahead. He stared down at the unfortunate young man, who would still be alive if not for the bounty on Kave's head. What was it up to, now...three thousand? Not that such things really mattered. This fellow would have tried his luck for less than a tenth of the actual sum.

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I'd suggest going with Survivor's suggestion of adding the 'Kave watched' to the first line. The first paragraph still starts as though Wert is the POV character and the 'Kave watched' in the second now seems like a POV shift.

'The mortally wounded man,' especially coupled with the above POV confusion, also adds an omniscient twang to the excerpt. In fact, there seems to be far too many non-name references for three paragraphs: the mortally wounded man, the would-be bounty hunter, the farmer, his killer, the dead man, the corpse, the unfortunate young man, the boisterous young man, this fellow. One or two of these would be fine, but using characters' names would be less confusing.

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Posted by Kolona:
I'd suggest going with Survivor's suggestion of adding the 'Kave watched' to the first line. The first paragraph still starts as though Wert is the POV character and the 'Kave watched' in the second now seems like a POV shift.

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Ahhh. So something along the lines of…

“Kave watched in silence as a thin rivulet of blood trickled from Wert’s mouth.”

…would sound better (stylistically speaking) and simultaneously establish the identity of the POV character? I’ll have to redesign the introductory lines of the second and third paragraphs, but that shouldn’t be too difficult.

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'The mortally wounded man,' especially coupled with the above POV confusion, also adds an omniscient twang to the excerpt. In fact, there seems to be far too many non-name references for three paragraphs: the mortally wounded man, the would-be bounty hunter, the farmer, his killer, the dead man, the corpse, the unfortunate young man, the boisterous young man, this fellow. One or two of these would be fine, but using characters' names would be less confusing.

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I habit of mine, I must confess. I need to go for a balance between the two, I think, rather than one way only. I’ll probably find myself using the characters’ names too often later in the story. I know, I know…hopeless.

I’ll make the necessary changes for clarity’s sake. Thanks for the comments.

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Posted by kagome:
Both the second than the third paragraphes start with Kave doing something. I feel it a bit repetitive. Maybe adding the Kave watched in the first line and then changing the second paragraph back to the original form can give differences between the paragraphes.
This is my opinion, of course, feel free to disregard it.

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Posted by Eric Sherman:
I'd simply change the "Kave sighed" to "He sighed". Since he's the only one around right now, it must be him sighing...or is it? *points to bloodthirsty dwarf in corner*

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Yeah. That’ll tie in with all the issues discussed in my previous responses. There’s a good chance that a simple ‘He’ will make it into the final draft, I think.

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In all seriousness, is there a point to have it in a fantasy setting. Im not too big of a fan of sterotypical fantasy unless its satire. When this guy is ordered to slaughter a dwarven village, I honestly don't care. A human village however, with mabye some people this guy knows would be better.

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Actually, I’m writing this story in a fantasy setting because I’m insufferably lazy (kidding…really!) The real reason happens to be a serious lack of ‘free’ time. To do this right (and well), I’d need to engage in some serious research (which, as I said, I do not have the time for). I find it easier to form my own world and culture(s) than interpret existing ones from our world’s past. As to your second point (about the dwarven village)...there wouldn’t be much variety if I used human factions only, now would there? I think the fact that dwarves and humans are fighting might be uncomfortable to some, mainly because dwarves and humans are usually portrayed as friends (or uneasy allies, at least). However, you can’t paste ‘good’ or ‘bad’ on either side in this story. The leaders of opposing armies? Yeah. 'Sides’...not a chance. And besides, Kave does happen to have a few dwarf friends (later in the story). But that’s beside the point. Kave isn’t a bloodthirsty murderer…he only destroys a village or city if it has tactical value or poses a threat to continued operations and the success of the war. I’d like to spin it as ‘warrior caught in unfortunate situation’…much like two friends joining opposite sides in the American Civil War. Ehhh…it’s more complicated than it appears on the surface. Let’s just say the importance of his decision to spare the village comes into play later on (when he meets dwarves). Thanks for your comments. This discussion is immensely helpful to my finishing process (or parts of it, at the very least).

Thanks again to all who’ve posted so far…and to those that may do so in the near future.

One serious problem with this version--you removed any referance to Kave's weapon being a dagger...and you have him keeping it in his boot now. I had previously assumed that Kave threw it, which makes it sensible that he would then need to retrieve it. In the revised passage, first it sounds like a sword, then it gets shoved into Kave's boot so it must be a large knife at best. But nothing implies that he threw it...it now simply seems sloppy that he let go of his weapon (his back-up weapon, no less) before the other guy was dead.

By the way, a sword or long knife might rasp against the rib-cage coming out, but a dagger probably wouldn't (at least, it wouldn't make much of a noise, and the leverages would be wrong for it to really rasp the bone). That's all one with the blade really sounding like a sword, though

By the by, I think that you could do something interesting with all those other identifiers for Wert. For instance, if he starts as a "would be bounty hunter" and then becomes a "farmer" before Kave finally recognizes him as "Wert", that gives us a fair amount of information about how well Kave knew him, as well as a feel for how long the fight lasted (i.e. not long).

Some of that effect can be enhanced by tightening lines and putting in the extra information. “Kave watched in silence as a thin rivulet of blood trickled from Wert’s mouth.” "Kave watched blood trickle from the would be bounty hunter's mouth." Note here that I cut "in silence", since watching doesn't usually involve making any noise, "in silence" is redundent here. The same is true of "a thin rivulet", a trickle of blood couldn't be much else, eh?

I still don't like "writhing as if struck by a bolt of lightning." When somebody gets struck by a bolt of lightning, they don't writhe anyway. They convulse once and then they usually don't move at all. But the main problem is that the phrase itself is windy. Compare "as if struck by a bolt of lightning" to "in mortal agony."

Avoid words that don't pull their own weight. Always choose the words that either say more or say it quicker.