posted
Hi again. Thanks for the previous comments! They were very helpful. Based on what I learned from all of you, and a few things I learned from somewhere else on POV problems, I hope this opening to my first short story (again, set in Camn Caidon), corrects some of my previous errors...
As an aside, I tried something different when I wrote this. Since I was struggling a bit with keeping within a true 3rd person POV (slipping into OMNI occasionally), I wrote this in 1st person and then converted it when it was finished. I don't know if thats a common trick, but it help me A LOT!
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Arielle raced down the narrow alley and leapt through the open window of a lightless warehouse. A black-feathered quarrel blasted into the windowsill just as he disappeared into the darkness within. Inside, he hit the floor, tucked, rolled, and was back on his feet. So far, the plan was working perfectly. Footfalls hammered down the alley as the three Sentinels drew closer. Curses followed. Another quarrel flashed through the window and thumped into something beyond him in the dark. He sprinted to his right and dragged his hand along the stacks of crates until it fell into the open air of the aisle. He turned the corner and continued blindly, his hand searching for the aisle opening to the right. Shouts came from the window; a crunch of leather and steel on wood. He found the aisle and ran deeper into the darkness of the warehouse. Another left and a right and he reached the dim outline of the door. More curses. Someone called for a lantern. He felt for the brown robe he left hanging there only hours before. A priest’s robe -- the perfect disguise for a thief. He pulled it on, eased the door ajar, and slipped into the shadows of Barkum Street.
posted
Intriguing string of events, catches my attention and makes me want to know more. Also, generally well written. I did find a few things that I thought would make this better.
The first thing that struck me was the name "Arielle." I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like a male name at all. I thought it was a girl and got confused when you kept calling her "he" until my sluggish brain put it together.
Second, there was a proliferation of "he's" that got confusing as the story wore on. This sentence, in particular, was confusing: "He sprinted to his right and dragged his hand along the stacks of crates until it fell into the open air of the aisle." he his his....and I think a simple fix would help it...change it to "the right" instead of "his right" Also, is you threw in his name a couple more times, it would help break up the monotony of the pronouns. When I first learned about pronouns in elementary school, the teacher told me that we use them because saying "John did this and John did that" a thousand times would be monotonous. But overusing the he's brings you to the exact same end.
Finally, as this paragraph is full of action that you want to move along, I think that breaking this down into at least two, maybe three sentences would help speed things along. I'm not the best action writer, but a couple of things i have picked up on is that shorter, snappier sentences and shorter, snappier paragraphs move the action along and keep the pace up. Throw in the occassional one-sentence paragraph for effect and you've got action. I won't try to advise you on where to break this one up, but I just think splitting it up might help the flow.
But generally, you got me interested, and that was your point.
posted
Great comments. Funny how a scene developes as you write, yet your style doesn't adjust...
I think this is closer to what you meant.
Arren raced down the moonlit alley and leapt through the open window of a lightless warehouse. A black-feathered quarrel blasted into the windowsill just as he disappeared inside. He hit the floor, tucked, rolled, and was back on his feet. The darkness was thick. So far, the plan was working perfectly.
Footfalls hammered down the alley. Three Sentinels drew closer. Curses followed.
Another quarrel flashed through the window and thumped into something solid. Turning, Arren sprinted to the right and dragged a hand along a row of crates. It fell into the open air of an aisle and he took the corner. He continued blindly, hands searching for the next turn.
Shouts came from the window. A crunch of leather and steel on wood.
He found the turn and ran deeper into the warehouse. Another left and a right and he reached the dim outline of a door.
More curses. Someone yelled for a lantern.
He felt for the robe he left hanging there only hours before. A priest’s robe -- the perfect disguise for a thief. Arren pulled it on, eased the door ajar, and slipped into the shadows of Barkum Street.
posted
He can be taught! No really, that's much better. Here's a nitpick.
quote: A black-feathered quarrel blasted into the windowsill just as he disappeared inside
Since we're in his POV I don't know that 'disappeared' is the right word. Maybe 'landed'?
quote:Footfalls hammered down the alley. Three Sentinels drew closer. Curses followed.
For some reason the last two sentences have something rhythmically odd happening. Almost like Haiku. Or it might be the mental image of physical Curses following the Sentinels.
quote:A priest’s robe -- the perfect disguise for a thief.
This is exposition and slows the action down. Let Arren get onto the street and then tell us he's wearing a priest's robe. And that he's a thief.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
You might want to try something like this for the last paragraph:
quote:Arren felt for the priest's robe he left hanging there only hours before. He pulled it on, eased the door ajar, and slipped into the shadows of Barkum Street.
The first sentence had 'he' in it twice, by using his name instead of he it's easier to read. If I read more of this and Arren wasn't a thief, you'd have some explaining to do. I assumed that he was a thief from his actions. If you want to include his profession, you can do it while he's on Barkum Street.
Just my opinion. As always take it or leave it, it's your story. The rewrite is good. Thank you for changing the name. :}
quote:Turning, Arren sprinted to the right and dragged a hand along a row of crates
You may want to consider that this sentence implies that the turning and sprinting occurred at the same time, which is quite tricky . Most readers interpret it very loosely, but you'll find some picky people who really don't like it.
posted
Hey -- thanks for all the help. I'm trying to build a self-editing checklist, and your comments have helped me catagorize some of typical errors: POV, pacing, implied physicallity (can something be physically possible as written), and others.
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No really, that's much better. Here's a nitpick.
