posted
SF novella concept, first rough draft...any thoughts?
--------------------------------------------- Twilight Within
A mechanical whine of protest invaded the customary silence of the tunnel, rebounding endlessly down a maze of deep mine shafts. Subsequent hydraulics groaned and hissed, angry at being roused from their deep slumber. The heavy outer hatch swung inward, making noises of its own on worn hinges that badly needed maintenance, though a repair detail would never come to this part of the planet again.
Alpha shaft was seldom used these days. No operations had been in progress since the central Drannus vein started running to the west. Readings were taken in Alpha zone for months when the mining colony had first set up shop, just to make sure the scouts hadn’t missed a valuable pocket of ore. Now, two years later, everyone was certain Alpha zone and the spectacular caverns it boasted were no more than that…spectacular.
Something that loomed in the beam of a flashlamp was nothing more than excess rock to this hardy group of men and women. If the towering stalagmites of Alpha’s caverns had been laced with Drannus, or even the less-valuable Vertium ore, it would’ve been a different story altogether. The massive formations would no longer be so grand, not after the borers and collectors had been set loose on them.
In a way, Kyle Morgan was glad the formations had been left alone, though he never said so aloud. The miners were a practical lot, their minds fixed on profit margins and territorial expansion. All else was meaningless. ---------------------------------------------
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited June 30, 2004).]
quote:...though a repair detail would never come to this part of the planet again.
...The massive formations would no longer be so grand, not after the borers and collectors were through with them.
The only thing I don't understand is, if there is no more metal to be mined here, and they aren't coming back to this part of the planet, why are they going to spend energy blasting the formations?
I like the image of all the sounds in the caverns.
posted
^^^ Ack...a minor error in tense, I believe. Morgan is supposed to be thinking how the stalagmites would have been maimed had they boasted Drannus ore. Past tense. I'll make the necessary changes so a similar misunderstanding will not occur again. Thank you for pointing it out, intentionally or otherwise. The consequences could have been disastrous.
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Oh, you are right. I read it wrong. However, I still had to read it 3 more times before I got it the way you intended. I'm with you now though. So, why did they come back if there is nothing of importence here? Or do we find out soon after this passage.
Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
A comment: Just my personal opinion that I probably shouldn't even share because I know this is just a matter of personal preference.
When I read the first line:
A mechanical whine of protest invaded the customary silence of the tunnel, rebounding endlessly down a maze of deep mine shafts.
My reaction was, "Ick! That's a lot of five-dollar words where a couple pennies would get the job done." I stopped reading and have read no further. Like I said, a personal preference. I suppose a lot of people like literature where everything is written with such a high level of diction, but personally, it drives me nuts.
posted
Now I pretty much liked the first line, though I'd change 'invaded' to something less dramatic ('disturbed' maybe), and 'rebounding' to a simple 'echoing.'
I think, Inkwell, you might consider introducing Kyle sooner. After "Alpha shaft was seldom used these days" maybe go to "In a way, Kyle Morgan was glad the formations had been left alone, though he never said so aloud. The miners were a practical lot, their minds fixed on profit margins and territorial expansion. All else was meaningless", and then into some of the exposition.
posted
I don't think it's five-dollar words, I think it's the number of modifiers in the sentence. Broken down to it's most basic it would read, "A whine invaded the silence, rebounding down a maze." But everything's got one or two modifiers.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Kolona and MaryRobinette are both correct. You are trying to hard to 1) paint a descriptive image of the mine shaft, and 2) make it almost a character on its own. The first problem means that most people will start skimming right at the start of this, which you don't want. The second problem is that the shaft is not a character, and without a character present, whom we can relate to the shaft, we don't care about it. Go ahead and describe the entrance into the shaft, but don't wax poetic. Save that for a more significant scene. And have the viewpoint firmly in place right at the start. We'll be lots more interested in any description that's processed through the POV character.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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You only mention one mine shaft, and clearly state that all the other tunnels are natural caverns.
"Something that loomed in the beam of a flashlamp was nothing more than excess rock to this hardy group of men and women."
There are two unacceptable imprecisions here. First you say, "Something that loomed" to mean a large stalagmite. Then you use "this hardy group of men and women" where there were not previously any men and women present.
Assuming that Drannus and Vertium are heavy elements (which would be indicated by saying they would be found in "ore") rather than exotic molecular substances of some kind, it seems unlikely that they would ever be present in the cave formations themselves. Pretty much all the minerals in a cave formation have to dissolve into the water from rocks well above the level of the cave. It simply wouldn't be worth going down past the strata where the mineral was found in abundance. And of course, many minerals don't dissolve readily in water (though quite a few do, of course).
If the caves were volcanic in origin, that would be quite a different story, of course. Lava tubes have a really interesting grandeur all their own (and they can contain many visually interesting formations, like obsidian and such). They can also contain quite a lot of metallic ore and even pure metal.
Anyway, if all these miners are such a practical lot, then why are they in these abandoned caves? It would seem that the group Kyle currently accompanies isn't the usual sort. But you need to paint a better picture of them.
I was fine with the rather poetic voice, it apparently matches your POV character's thoughts. But he isn't the POV character for those first two paragraphs. Ask yourself whether there is any real reason to blunt your POV intro like that. He could easily be the person thinking these things...they could be showing us his attitude towards the caverns rather than just telling. Instead they are a rather off-putting sample of flowery description, right while your readers are trying to decide whether they like your writing.
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However, I still had to read it 3 more times before I got it the way you intended. I'm with you now though. So, why did they come back if there is nothing of importence here? Or do we find out soon after this passage.
