posted
Hi, thanks for all the comments, it has helped alot. for those of you who want to know what this story is about. I am currently working on my Year 10 english personla Interest Project, which I chose to do on the Sino-Japanese War. As part of my assignment I've decided to include a story which I am writing about a korean girl who has been taken to China to become a military sex slave (comfort woman)for the Japanese army.I am still deciding on the plot, but I plan to for her to fall in love with a Japanese soldier who dies at the end, Following his death she will stay in China where she marries another and bears his child. It is from the girls point of view, look back into the past. I have changed my start slighty, please tell me what you think. Sam
I gazed out into the vast mass of ocean before me. Closing my eyes, I took a slow, deep breath and let the rhythmic repetition of waves take me in. It was just before dawn and I was quiet alone on the misty shores of the beach. The sea had brought back so many memories. Slowly a familiar feeling of loneliness and fear crept over me, that same feeling I had all those years ago, at the beginning of my journey. A decision that would change my life forever………. It was a dark, dusty morning in the mid December of 1941, around halfway through the infamous ‘War of Resistance’ between the vast nation of China & the monstrous devils that were controlling our country - The Japanese. At the time I was living in a small village named Tae-Kung in the fishing town of Sukcho inside Southern Korea. I was at a young age, having just turned 18 the June before, which in Korea was the age of marriage for females, though at the time such customs were often ignored as the people were too preoccupied from the fear of the Japanese rule & finding enough food to keep themselves alive. For the most of my later childhood I could remember the Japanese terrorising our country. Like many of the farmers the Japanese had robbed my father of most of his land, leaving us to survive only on the little crops that we could manage to harvest on the miniscule patch of land that we were left with.
'you should start as you would start a memoir you were writing about yourself.'
and
'It also has too much exposition close to the front to capture any other feel particularly well.'
I'm not sure how long the final product is going to be , but at the momen I'm guessing around 6-8 pages. I was hoping to look for some comments and advice on my story.
posted
Sam, I'm still having trouble with this particular line (and maybe it's just me):
quote:It was just before dawn and I was quiet alone on the misty shores of the beach.
Do you mean to say: It was just before dawn and I was quiet, alone on the misty.... ?
Secondly, there seems to be trouble with the tenses... What's happening in real-time, and what's being remembered? The above quoted sentence is past tense, but the first two sentences are present tense (?). I can't make it out ... I'm easily confused.
You could also shorten the intro a bit at the beginning by combining a few of the sentences like so:
Just before dawn, alone on the misty shores of [insert name of beach here], I quietly gazed upon the vast ocean, and let rhythmic repetition of waves take me in... ...
Maybe that's not the best way to put it, but it certainly takes less time [and effort] to develop the scene properly.
posted
Echoing what people have said before, I still find it quite dense to read. I like Survivor's suggestions of treating it like a memoir. Also, a question to consider with your plot is - Was it culturally acceptable for a woman in 1941 to be a prostitue, fall in love and get pregant, marry someone else while pregnant and have a child that was not her husband's? Not that it is unheard of. Simply put, how will she be treated by people after she is an ex-prostitute who is pregant? Would someone need to be quite liberal to consider marriage with her?
quote:For the most of my later childhood I could remember the Japanese terrorising our country.
It would be either "For most of" or "For the most part of". Also, you can cut the word "could" completely, making it flow more nicely. HSO had some good suggestions too.
I also echo the question: What kind of feedback would you like? Good luck!
posted
She's one of the "comfort women". The Japanese forced thousands of young Korean women to serve as...and besides, we're talking about Asia in the 40's. Questions of being "liberal" don't enter into it.
The fact that she was in love with a Japanese soldier would be her biggest social handicap (not a severe problem as long as she doesn't go around admitting it), followed by the fact that she's Korean rather than Chinese (not a particularly huge difficulty at all, sort of like being from Canada rather than the States--though more fraught than funny). Having been a sex slave to the Japanese wouldn't even enter the equation (though the fact that she wouldn't have any family around would--but that goes along with the bit about being Korean).
Anyway, samj, haven't you ever written an autobiographical account of anything? Try it, you'll like it (maybe).
If you aren't trying to create the illusion of an autobiographical account, then the infodump (everything from "It was...1941" to "the miniscule patch of land that we were left with.") simply doesn't work.
I could look at what you've got now and try to figure out what direction you're taking this.
In regard to what feedback i was looking for , I was hoping to recieve some advice , comments or opinions on my story. I am still writing it so at the moment it's still a pretty rough draft which lots of unfinished sentences.
Survivor - thanks for your offer to look at it for me. Would I be able to send it to you after i have shaped it a little bit more ?
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