posted
Hi, I've written a story for my Yr 10 Personal Interest Project and am currently looking for some feedback. I've posted the first 13 lines. Would anyone be interested in reading my story ?
I silently stepped into the dusty, old room. Surprisingly, nothing much had changed in contrast to the foreign, refurbished city around it. I couldn’t believe that it had not been destroyed after all these years, still appearing almost untouched, hidden away like a buried treasure, as if it was forgotten for centuries. I never dreamt that I would have the courage to return to Nanking. Though I had long departed from this place, until now my mind has still lived inside it. Sighing, I gazed blankly at the battered walls, a cascade of memories flooded back into my head. Here, I had encountered great melancholy, but also immense happiness. I embraced the memories freely, as my mind wondered back to the time, and a place, now swept away. Where my story began all those years ago……………….
It was the mid-December of 1941, halfway through the infamous War of Resistance between China and the Japanese. At the time I was living in the small village of Tae-Kung in South Korea, and had no idea that I very soon would become part of that tragic war. I had just turned 18 the previous June, two years past the traditional age of marriage for Korean women, but most people in my country were too preoccupied with surviving the tyranny of Japanese rule to honour such customs.
posted
I suspect, dear, that folks would be more willing to respond if you offered to critique and read other's work.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
If you did your homework on customs and stuff, I don't think the little things like that would hurt your story.
I think that you could get rid of silently in the first sentence. In the second paragraph, 'gazed blankly' could be changed (IMO) to something like stared intently (sp) 'at the battered walls, a cascade of memories flooded back into my head' that could be changed (IMO) to something different, like, " a torrent of memories came rushing back to me from a time, that I had forgotten, until recently." or something like that.
posted
I'll look at your story, Samj... it looks like you've got a better start than you did before. How detailed of a critique would you like? Send it along (email in profile) and let me know.
posted
Hmm. So what you're looking for is help with your homework from a bunch of hope-to-be professional writers? I'm just assuming that Yr 10 is something akin to American High School's Sophomore year.
And what is your future here on Hatrack after we're done making an 'A' paper for you?
Pardon me for sounding harsh, but I really don't think that's what this site is for. Try the Young Writer's forum. I think help from your peers would be more appropriate than help from us.
If I'm making some snap judgments, I apologize. But I have little evidence from your previous posts to indicate that you have any deeper motives for being here.
posted
Wow! That was harsh! So, was I out of line? Or was I just saying what the rest of you are too polite to say? Should I be more polite? How could I have said it better? OH NO! I'm having another self-doubt moment!
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
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