posted
Hello, y'all! I've been distracted from serious writing for several weeks, stolen by the nymph of poetry. Anyway, now that I'm back, I've been writing much more vividly than I used to. Which is good.
But I just wonder if the following paragraph flows smoothly or if it has too much description? (And if you see any other problems or have any other comments, feel free!)
quote: Silvia, her young sister, stepped hesitantly into the room. Dark rings circled around her eyes, a sharp contrast to the rest of her face that was as white as polished porcelain. Once she looked at May, a thin-but-earnest smile engulfed her face, almost erasing the rings with its intensity. Then, as quickly as it had come, the smile broke and the rings again dominated her expression.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited December 13, 2004).]
posted
Works for me. Description is a tricky beast, but I think you have woven it in smoothly and in a meaningful way. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Silvia, her young sister, stepped hesitantly into the room. Dark rings circled around her eyes, a sharp contrast to the rest of her face that was as white as polished porcelain. But once she looked at May, a thin-but-earnest smile engulfed her face, almost erasing the rings with its intensity.
I agree with everyone, this is nice. I happen to have a pet peeve with repeated words, though. “Rings” is used three times in three successive sentences. It’s up to you to decide if these suggestions work:
"Dark rings circled around her eyes, a sharp contrast to the rest of her face that was as white as polished porcelain." Get rid of extra words. “Rings circled around” seems like you’re making the point three times over. A possible rewrite: Dark circles deepened her eyes and contrasted sharply with the polished porcelain of her cheeks. (Sorry, this one changed on me more than I expected.)
If you change the last instance of the word “rings” to an emotion instead of an object, you’ll help repetitive word situation. "…almost erasing her (gloom, sorrow, anguish?) with its intensity."
Good luck! It would be fun to see any revisions you decide on.
posted
The description is pretty, but I'd drop a phrase as unnecessary. You've got: "Dark rings circled around her eyes, a sharp contrast to the rest of her face that was as white as polished porcelain."
I'd drop "that was as white as polished porcelain." Since the rest of her face contrasts with dark rings, I'd assume without being told that the rest of her face was white. The figure of speech is pretty, but unnecessary. Just my opinion.
posted
I'd disagree about dropping the part about the skin white as polished porcelain. A person can have dark, contrasting rings under their eyes without being so deathly pale as she seems to be.
MY problem is with the last few words. I think the go just a BIT too far. Maybe it's the word 'expression'. They don't really dominate her expression. They dominate her features.
posted
The porcelain simile is fine, you might want to make it into a metaphor. It's not superfluous at all; it draws a comparison that adds to the understanding of the story. The connotations are that she is fragile and white.
The word rings is repeated too much: circles, smudges, shadows, put some variety in there.
It is my opinion that one should practically never use the word "intense" or "intensity," or worse yet, "intensely." It's really only a quick substitute for a more descriptive or specific adjective you have yet to think of. My advice is to think of the word that should really be there instead, and replace "intense" with it.
Overall, I would say this is an improvement over previous versions.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited November 18, 2004).]
posted
I don't really have a problem with your descriptions -- they work. I'm not so sure about how you introduce your characters.
In the first line you say: "Silvia, her young sister," Who's sister is this? By using the pronoun "her" you are telling the reader he should already know this person by name, only you have not introduced this character yet. If May is the POV character I would rather meet her first and then get into descriptions of Silvia. Or at least make it obvious that we are seeing Silvia from May's perspective from the beginning.
Example: May watched her younger sister enter the room and frowned. Dark rings circled around Silvia's eyes . . .
posted
Hi Phanto, I get the impression that this is not an intro but a transitional portion of a longer story. There seems to be considerable effort used to describe this girl's appearance and expression, I hope it's important. A description of the room would help me know if she is sick, in an asylum or prison or library or maybe a crypt.
Other comments
quote: stepped hesitantly... a sharp contrast... white as polished porcelain... a thin-but-earnest smile engulfed her face... almost erasing...
'hesistantly' Maybe: hesistated before stepping into the room.
There seems to be a disparity with the idea of a 'thin' smile 'engulfing' her face.
A 'sharp' contrast, is a common phrase, maybe rethink it, convey the same idea only use different words.
Is polished porcelain any whiter than unpolished porcelain or does her face have a sheen to it?
'almost erasing' maybe try dimmed or cleared or something that indicates that they fade. (I assume they don't actually nearly disappear but that ithe idea is that her expression dominates this particular feature.)
Looking at this description I see a collection of features symptomatic of a charcter stereotype. Is the character sick, unwell maybe unbalanced or vampiric? Perhaps you could play up this aspect and mess with our minds a bit more.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 18, 2004).]
posted
Wow, I'm really impressed by the analysis and thoughts given! Thank you all soooo much! I must admit, Hatrack surprises me sometimes, despite my endless time here :P. (Alright, not endless, but it feels like it ^^.)
Posts: 697 | Registered: Mar 2003
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