posted
This fragment is all I have so far. It's an off the cuff intro. An experiment to rework my WIP.
The narrator is a secondary character named Madoc, his part was not to come until some time later. ---------------------------------------------------- Forgive my brutal honesty. I have dwelled in Deceit’s shadow for far too long. Do not mistake frankness for ingratitude. I am grateful, O Praetorians, that you have accepted me into your fold. Of course, it was out of desperation you did so. Had I come to you in the days of your glory, you might have slain me outright. Or perhaps, you would have thrown me into Avalon, had you decided to show mercy.
I do not defend Scott Landon because he is my descendent. I defend him because truth must blaze new paths for us. If we are to move forward, we must assign blame where it lies. Only then can we move forward.
The Memory Tree has given me his life firsthand, down to the most mundane aspiration. Therefore, I can defend him since I can become him...
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited December 28, 2004).]
posted
I don't mind the formal language. But it can be a major turn off for some readers. the same way poetry, no matter how great, can become tiresome and unwanted in a story.
If he is presenting a legal defense maybe he could start with "Hear me Noble Praetorians!" or some such think of Moses addressing Pharoah. Remember those old epics about Moses and Ben-Hur and the way Heston would boom in formal english and people loved it. I'd love to see a powerful opening speech. Maybe you could infer more power?
posted
It's not really a legal defense, because the protagonist is dead. It might be better refered too as an Apology.
Posts: 1275 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I like the formality of the speech. It sets place as well as character very quickly. I will say, if he is writing this then I might want to see a slightly more formal opening sentence. I like the first line, but perhaps not as the first line.
If he is speaking to a crowd, which was the impression that I had from reading, then you might be fine.
posted
I like the opening in the version you emailed me. I really don't want to know upfront that Scott is dead at the time of the telling of the story. I like him too much. If I had read this first, I would have probably put up a mental barrier to keep myself from liking the character too much. Also, this opening does not illicit much emotion from me, unlike the opening at the funeral.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I would prefer "lingered" to "dwelled". Just had to get that off my chest, because "dwelled" sounds so wrong.
What you're doing here is rather an interesting solution to your POV problem. I think that the language could afford to be toned down a bit. If they want to be that formal they'll speak in Estrucan anyway, which I doubt you'll want to use. So either they aren't being that formal or it's a translation anyway. It might be interesting to do something with the "mystic" language, particularly since you seem to be setting these guys up as the sort to deliberately exterminate their own culture to ensure the secrecy of their society, and the secret language could be part of that.
posted
The term is disputed, meaning you can use either. But "dwelled in Deceit’s shadow" just doesn't scan, whether or not it is formally acceptable. Generally I use "dwelt" where it will work and leave "dwelled" alone. So maybe I have a bit of prejudice against "dwelled", but in this case "dwelt" would also sound terrible.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
<I envisioned after this intro would adapt the thought patterns of the point of view character. I see it as the narrator writing this down.>
Do you mean his writing something like a letter to the Praetorians?
This would be rather intriguing... But I would not have known this if you had not just told me outside of the story. If you could place some hints in the text that the narrator is more than just talking to the Praetorians, he's actually writing to them, then that would make it much more understandable. It also might hook the reader a bit more.
So if you added something that would help us infer that he's actually writing this, instead of speaking it, then that would fix the problem of it sounding too formal (because it's a letter... he can be formal), and the issue of it boring the reader (because the idea of a letter would add bit more questioning and interest from the reader).
Personally, I think it was totally fine... But those are my suggestions based upon the problems that have arisen from others' feedback.
Other than all that, it sounds pretty awesome. Good luck!
[This message has been edited by AStJohn (edited January 02, 2005).]
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