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Okay for you who are new, this isn't the first time I've posted a fragment. I've done 4 already mainly in November though so I think only Phanto will remember me.
I swear to God himself I have not changed or altered any syntax in this random rambling piece of literature. I was drunk... and I mean REALLY drunk when I wrote this. So drunk in fact that I couldn't remember it at all until I found it in a random blog many weeks later sometime in September. Anyway.
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[September 29th, 2004|10:20 pm] It wasn't my plan, or a good plan, or a sane plan but I still went along with it. "Sounds good I just want to get to Fiji!" So here I am in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean in a rowboat drinking another gallon of water to fuel a stupid rowing machine. I looked to the stern of the seven foot wooden dinghy of a sailing vessel and saw Paul peeing into a mechanical robot's head. This would have been weird to anybody else but I was pretty used to it by now. It has been two and a half weeks and as I stare at our only map in a glazed over manner; I think to myself:
I think to myself: 'We are going to die!' I can still remember Paul's explaination why we didn't start from the Pacific Ocean: "The current is all wrong and besides look at the map. When we get to the edge of the map, where are we going to pop out on the other side? I'm not willing to take that risk."
It all started with my big mouth. "Paul, if you could go on a vacation anywhere, where would it be?" "Let's go to Fiji!" "How are we going to get to Fiji?" "We'll take a rowboat! We'll need something to row us there though so we'll have to buy a robot that runs only on urine. We'll call it a 'rowbot', they have to make them. Also, we'll need four hundred pounds of candy corn so we don't starve and a machine that turns saltwater into fresh water. Something to keep us dry... a patio umbrella to keep the rain off of us and a lot of blankets to keep us warm. I don't think I'm missing anything." "Sounds good I just want to get to Fiji!" Maybe I got too excited when we found that 'rowbot' that ran on urine. The thoughts "BAD IDEA" and "GOING TO DIE" didn't run through my head. 'Soothing paradise thoughts. Wonderful Fiji thoughts.' "Paul, if I die, I want you to eat me." "Tar, shut up and eat some more candy corn."
posted
This is a very quirky scenario, but in a good way. This is exactly the kind of thing two guys might decide to do, particularly if they're bored and most especially if they've been drinking to relieve the boredom.
One problem I have is that you rush too quickly to the exposition. This strikes me as an interesting setup to a "what the hell is going on" story. If that's indeed the kind of story you envision it to be, telling me about the urine-powered robot in paragraph 3 kind of ruins the 'what-the-hell-is-going-on' thing you established when you first told us about Paul peeing into the robot's head.
I particularly like the last line of dialog, but I'd consider moving it up to the first paragraph, right after he sees Paul and the robot, and break it into two sentences.
Like this:
quote:...and saw Paul peeing into the head of a mechanical robot.
"Paul, if we die I want you to eat me."
"Tar, shut up. Have some candy corn."
By moving that dialog exchange up to the beginning, you've established (without having to use static exposition) the fact that the boat is in trouble. You've also introduced another 'what-the-hell-is-going-on' element: the candy corn.
posted
Yeah, but be careful. If there are too many "what the hell is going on" elements in the first paragraph, the reader is going to shake his head, say "huh?" and move on to something more interesting than that.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Thank you for all the input. I'm trying to bypass the 13 line thing... um anyway here's all the rest I drunkenly wrote:
[[ Note from Kathleen: There are reasons for the 13 line thing. For one, the Hatrack River Writers Workshop forum is not a publisher, so please don't put all of your story here, no matter how short it is. ]]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 21, 2005).]
posted
You can post a link here to a story that you have posted somewhere else, thusly, but the main purpose of this particular forum is for writers to get help with stories they are trying to sell. As it is functionally impossible to sell a story after you've posted it publicly to the entire internet, there is no reason for anyone here to waste time trying to help you with a story that you post in full on this forum.
That doesn't mean that we won't, it just means that you shouldn't expect anyone to do so. And you should expect KDW to get a little short with you
posted
Day 1 - Launch: A beautiful morning! No clouds! Blue skies! I must have thrown up eight times in the first hour. Sea sickness takes its toll when you're in such a tiny boat I guess. The illness must have given up after it realized I only had non-ocean-contributing dry heaves. Bleh! The patio umbrella keeps collapsing because we're going too fast. So much for that. I wonder if packing sunblock would have been a good idea. Maybe I already have sun poisoning. I'm underneath a blanket which is the only way I can avoid the sun.
Day 17 - Pirate: Captain Scruffbeard is on the bow with one leg on the mast, studying his detailed map. Paul has gone insane. It has taken only about three weeks. Anytime I try to talk to him he just responds with really loud pirate gibberish: "Yar! I'm studyin' me map arghhh skippers got er' all wrong ye haist to speee. Get blast ye stub bloker! Mayte noost webber of the port stern with ya while we lean the deck!" Its hopeless. I fear the lack of communication will cause me to go insane too.
Day 19 - Last Entry: I ran out of room to carve my journal into this rowboat.
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I'm really going for humor. Can anyone help me out and help me be funny in this?
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