posted
Anyone interested in editing/critiquing this short story. Its a lot more interesting than these first 13 lines. Please let me know and email me at reazwoz@yahoo.com if you dont want to disclose whatever emails publicly on here.
Thank you,
Paul-Francais
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Visual Kira
Best friends stay together through thick and thin. Kira and I saw each other every day from since I can remember until just yesterday. In those twenty long, fullfilling years with her, I learned a lot about life. Its hard to say goodbye after twenty years. Through the best and worse times, we built our lives around each other.
I can still remember the first time we met each other at a school park. At the time I was only five and she was a year younger than me. The physical differences of a single year made me seem like a giant to her. Never before had I met (what I later came to understand) a japanese girl but at the time I thought she just looked different. Kira's appearance only reconfirmed my opinions of females. Her straight, jet black hair complimented her full, bright eyes which were so brown they were almost black. When I say 'bright eyes' I really mean I can remember them being so full of life, ready for the day and the rest of the world. She didn't act the same as other girls her age either but as a five year old boy, I was already thinking girls were weird. I can still remember her quiet manner. When we first met at Koser, she never really talked to me. Usually I would tell her my plans and she would meet me when I told her I'd be there. I remember introducing myself and her reponding with "Kira Visual." That is all I can really remember of our first meeting at Koser Park.
The rest of our childhood history is a haze of mental snapshots. Most people will understand when they are in their mid-twenties, childhood memories are usually very limited and most often rekindled with photographs and vhs documentaries. Unfortunately I have no pictures or video of Kira during our adolecense. I write this rememberence of her entirely from my memory.
posted
Way too early for flashback as the story hasn't even started yet. I'd suggest utilizing your first few paragraphs to get the ball rolling, then, if you think you still need it, the flashback can help paint a relationship that you've already demonstrated to us.
As a frame, your first paragraph doesn't do much to root us in the story and it doesn't really hook me into reading more. Perhaps start the story from their meeting in the park and show us the encounter, what was so special about it, as opposed to telling us.
Do you want what I have so far. It sounds like crap to begin with but I wanted to start it slowly. Anyway... do you want me to email you the complete fragment since im limited to the first thirteen lines?
posted
Feels like telling, not showing, and even the telling is inconsistent. Why are the childhood memories and issue, if they’ve seen each other every day for twenty years? I assume something tragic has happened, probably death. Seems to me the recent memories of adolescence should be more compelling. You’re narrator is only in his mid 20’s.
Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Daniel Thurot
unregistered
posted
I'd be happy to read this. I understand your motives for wanting to start out slowly, especially depending on the overall tone that you'll be setting throughout. Go ahead and send this to me and I'd be happy to look over it and tell you what I think.
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posted
Nothing wrong with starting the story with a flashback if the whole story is the flashback itself. I have read several books like this as well as have seen movies done like this. (Hey movies are stories too!!!) So there is nothing wrong with starting the story with a flashback its all in how you do it.
If you are going with the flashback is the story then: The opening paragraph is good but the rest of it seems like an info dump. Might want to work bits and peices of the "info dump" into the rest of the story. After the opening paragraph I would start with the series of events that lead to Kira's end(Death?), seperation from the protag. or whatever the narrator is speaking of.
Just my two cents worth. Hope it helps. If you like email me the rest I am interested in seeing what you have done.
[This message has been edited by W. Rought (edited January 26, 2005).]
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