posted
About ready to send this out, but wanted just a little feedback first. If you have any serious critique have at me. It's a 10k alternate realities story. (really about a father and son). Thanks.
A Key Turning
1989
Of course he left me his name and, according to Mama, my face, but the only tangible relics are from my father’s old sea bag—a chunk of brass and its tooth-worn key.
Sometimes when I’ve heard her crying over unpaid bills, I’ll come out here by the lake and just hold it in my hand, staring at my reflection and wondering if just the sight of me only adds to her pain. I stand there wanting to drop the tarnished metal straight down into my own face and leave it there, knowing I never will. I pull my chain through the wheel and fasten the heavy lock. “Hi, Robbie.” Susie hops in dismount, then secures her bicycle, threading her cable and tumbling its numbers. I wave. Her perennial tan is accented by light blue overalls, a sunflower-patterned shirt, and pink-laced shoes. Her father runs a counseling center forty miles north in Atlanta, so, after school, Susie hangs with me and Jimmy. Sometimes, when we stop by Mama’s shop, the women just rave when they find out who she is; Dr. Gramm is such a brave man to be raising you by himself. He must be such a good father. They’d never say such things about Mama.
posted
I like the first couple sentences. I think it is a good opening. You may want to expand on those thoughts before jumping to the introduction of the girl.
Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
There's a lot of good stuff in this fragment. Great voice, too. With some tigthening up, it will rock. *pumps a fist in the air*
quote:Of course he left me his name and, according to Mama, my face, but the only tangible relics are from my father’s old sea bag—a chunk of brass and its tooth-worn key.
Two things I would do. Preferentially, I would add a comma after "Of course" and add "I have" after relics. It would just make it read smoother... opinions will vary, tho'.
quote:Sometimes when I’ve heard her crying over unpaid bills, I’ll come out here by the lake and just hold it in my hand, staring at my reflection and wondering if just the sight of me only adds to her pain.
Obviously, "her" is "Mama" but I think you just put Mama in. It will remove any doubt as to who you are talking about. Actually, it might even be better to write: "Sometimes while Mama cries over unpaid bills..." Because as written, its a bit awkward with "heard" when you're not near Mama.
quote:I stand there wanting to drop the tarnished metal straight down into my own face and leave it there, knowing I never will.
You're talking about his reflection. I'm not sure if you need to say its a reflection -- I got it -- but it wouldn't hurt if you did.
Good tips. Will incorporate a few of them. I didn't want to stay solely inside the POV characters head for very long, hence the quick introduction of Susie. Any suggestions as to how I could segue into her.
posted
Your first sentence and the tone it sets moves me. It is eloquent and full of a misty poignancy. Good job. But even good work can use some polish. My suggestions... I do not know what to envision by "a chunk of brass." Are you talking about a lock? I know it had a key but the unidentified chunk of brass thing bugs me. I pull my chain also bugs me because I had to reread it three times and I still didn't know what you were talking about. Just put bike chain, please. The entire mood you have so skillfully created goes out the window with the word "Hi." I would keep in narrative and not even move into dialogue until you have completed your info dump, letting us know who the girl is and your feelings about her. Describe her to us as you view her, and put her in context, but don't have her speak until you are ready to begin a two-way conversation. The organization of your sequence of events is what needs most attention in the second part of your piece. Put the most basic descriptors first and the insightful things second. Don't skip from Papa to Mama to the you to the girl to the people and back to Mama quite so randomly. Keep that awesome tone in your POV that you begin with. It sort of reminds me of how I feel when I read To Kill a Mockingbird...I have a narrator telling a story in retrospect, with the insight only retrospect can give. I set myself up to be taken on a journey, where that person is going to show how they learned some great lesson in life and are now looking back on it. You nailed it in the first paragraph. Don't lost it! Also...be more specific than "face." Say gray eyes or stubborn chin, or something that will give us an insight into the character's features and/or character. I agree with HSO that say you want to drop the metal thing (whatever it is) on your "face" would be better as "reflection." I diagree with the Mama identity crisis comment. I knew immediately who Mama was. That was no problem. You have a great knack for voice. Play on it. Good luck.
Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2005
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once i finish painting the living room and cleaning up my mess i'm going to try to polish it a bit. i may repost to see what folks think. thanks again everyone for the feedback. thanks also for the encouraging remarks.
posted
You might want to consider your POV choice a little, particularly if you don't even want to stay with this character throughout.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
However much I like the tone of this, there are a couple of things that I thought I'd point out.
quote: Of course he left me his name and, according to Mama, my face, but the only tangible relics are from my father’s old sea bag—a chunk of brass and its tooth-worn key.
"According to Mama" seems like it should go into parantheses. The reason I say this is that there are three commas in the sentence, and although this isn't bad in and of itself, the segments of sentence between your commas are short. Very short, in some cases. It's kind of jarring and awkward.
quote:I stand there wanting to drop the tarnished metal straight down into my own face and leave it there, knowing I never will.
Ok -- maybe I'm just an idiot. But I had to read this sentence twice before I finally figured out that he was talking about dropping the artifact into the reflection of his own face.
quote:Her father runs a counseling center forty miles north in Atlanta, so, after school, Susie hangs with me and Jimmy.
Another instance of commas usage run rampant. Maybe this is just a pet-peeve of mine, but it breaks the flow of the thought, which is uncomfortable and awkward for the reader.
quote:Sometimes, when we stop by Mama’s shop, the women just rave when they find out who she is; Dr. Gramm is such a brave man to be raising you by himself. He must be such a good father. They’d never say such things about Mama.
Without a doubt, this is the best part of the whole 13-lines. Especially the last bit, about how they'd never say such things about Mama. It makes me want to read on in order to find out just what they DO say about her.
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