posted
Hi--it's my first time here, and I'm looking for feedback on these opening lines. I'm searching for the right tone to start the story off (first draft runs about 3,000 words). Thanks!
***** There was once a baby born on a Sunday, who turned out to be a strong breather even though she came four weeks early. Her mother, a woman who had given birth three times before, and three times given her children up for adoption, had never before noticed the breathing patterns of a very young infant. The first night home with the baby, she knelt at the foot of her bed, peering over the side of the port-a-crib, listening intently, listening more closely than she ever had to another human being. The baby slept on her back, per doctor’s instructions, holding her breath and releasing it in shudders. The mother, listening to her four-day-old infant breathe irregularly, assumed something was not right, and could not lay back against her pillows. She stayed, crouched and cold, thinking of what to do. The doctor who had delivered this child was at the hospital again, short on sleep, waiting for lab results and drinking a Dr. Pepper at 1am when his cell phone rang.
posted
The omniscient point of view and lack of names gives me the distinct sense that this a prologue of sorts... like you're setting us up for the real events later on. If this isn't your intention, then I think you need some compelling reason why you can't simply be in the mother's point of view for this opening. If you actually intend to stay in omniscient point of view, I think there needs to be something significant about the story that requires this POV to outweigh the distance it puts between the story and the reader. But I'll assume you actually intend on assuming somebody's point of view (the child's?) soon enough.
One thought I had was to wonder why, if the mother had never listened for her babies' breathing before, she was doing it now. I think this is just due to the way you set up her noticing this, but it did bother me. Maybe you could have her holding the child and she notices how different it is from her previous babies. It just seems odd that she's crouching in front of the cradle and listening for the baby's breathing when there was never any reason given why she would be doing so.
Finally, the bit about the doctor was a bit jolting for me... especially the bit about how he was drinking Dr. Pepper. Since we don't even know the mother's or the baby's name, and there has been very little detail up until this point, this little bit pulled me out of the story. I had a bit of a "so what?" reaction--why, if you're not giving me details that are more important, are you telling me about this random guy drinking Dr. Pepper?
Hope that helps.
[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited February 13, 2005).]
posted
The lack of names at such an early stage in the story doesn't bother me very much. Because you’ve already identified the characters by their roles—as opposed to their names—their names aren’t important at the moment.
If you try to squeeze too much information into these first thirteen lines, the beginning will end up feeling over written. Or worse, over wrought.
Here are the things that catch my interest, so far:
*A (semi)miraculous birth. The mother has rejected her first three children, but she decides to keep this one—why? It might help to mention whether these three previous children came from three different fathers.
*The mother seems like she’s been rather irresponsible in the past, but now she’s trying to do the right thing. She must me suffering from a tremendous amount of guilt.
*The image of a young(?) and inexperienced mother worrying over her newborn child is very evocative.
Anyway, these are the things that pique my interest, so far. I think you could easily accentuate these things without too much trouble, or without making the beginning longer, either.
Anyway, if you’d like me to read the whole thing, send it on over.
posted
Thanks to all three for the comments. Corpsegrinder, I appreciate your willingness to take a look at the whole story--I'm tightening and tweaking it before sending it to you. I'm impressed by your intuitive understanding of the emotional situation after reading these first few lines. Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I'm more than impressed with his intuition, I'm amazed that anyone could guess right on all three of those points, just from the text you posted.
My reaction to this text in publication would be that the mother is a totally unimportant character and that we're not supposed to consider her feelings at all. I'd also assume that the story first saw print in a literary journal rather than a competitive market.
posted
As a healthcare professional (admin, not clinical) I'm wondering why an infant with breathing problems was discharged from the hospital. The first sentence seems to indicate that the child was born with these problems, so that tells me they didn't develop overnight. That is very unusual. Even if a mom tried to leave AMA (Against Medical Advice) the hospital would be required to call the state child protection services on behalf of the child.
Also, why is it important that the baby was born on a Sunday? Are you implying that babies born on a Sunday get less than adequate care at hospitals. What exactly is meant by "strong breather"? It almost sounds like you are stating it is a medical condition.
posted
Survivor, your comment is interesting to me because I've written a version of this story from the Dr.'s POV and a version from the young mother's POV. This opening comes from the latter draft.
Newsbys, the infant in this story, though premature, was a strong breather, i.e. a healthy child. The "shuddering" breathing I described is actually a normal newborn pattern, though the mother didn't know that. By the way, this story was inspired by an interaction my husband (a family doctor) had with one of his patients.
Basically: Mother with rough history wants to keep her baby. Case worker wants to take child into state custody as soon as it is born. Doctor believes in mother and convinces state to give her a chance.
posted
Sorry to confuse--I should have said that this opening was written from a POV sympathetic to the mother, rather than the doctor. That is, a 3rd person limited POV. To paraphrase a writing guide entry on POV, 3rd person limited can be so sympathetic to the character that it is virtually a 1st person POV. Alternatively, it can provide a broader view of the situation, which was how I began--but then, the opening is something I've been working on, which was why I posted it, asking for feedback.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
The way it is written leads the reader (at least this one) to think that the odd breathing is due to the child being born early, with an aside that it's a good thing he is a strong breather or he would not have made it. I think the problem is in the order the info is given in. This is the info I got out of the first few sentences - child born, is a strong breather, even though born 4 weeks early. Then immediately you describe the infant in some respiratory distress. I for one, being non-clinical and not a parent did not know that infants can breath strangely. What are the chances that every reader will know that it is commonplace? Also, if it is so commonplace, why wouldn't the medical staff inform her that the condition might arise? I would hope that sort of info is in the discharge packet, or that someone would give this young, inexperianced mom some info on what to expect.
Point of all of this is to illustrate that you may have started the story in the wrong spot (in this case, too late) thus may not have provided needed info to the reader, or simply may have provided misleading info.
When I asked these questions, you gave me backstory as an answer, with the added info that your hubby is a doc, which I'm guessing means he can verify the medical info.
You won't get that chance with an editor.
Often when we (on Hatrack) ask specific questions we don't really want an answer, but rather just want to point out to you that the question was raised in our minds. This should be valuable info because it allows writers to gauge what the reader is thinking, and if it is in-line with the plan for the story. In other words is the reader being guided in the correct direction.
posted
Also, forgot to address this in the other post.
I see you have quoted some info on POV. This frag has some POV problems. In the info you quoted, you state that:
quote:3rd person limited can be so sympathetic to the character that it is virtually a 1st person POV.
That is true, but misleading. This frag is not written in 3rd person limited. It is 3rd person Omni. For instance, in 3rd person limited, a character knows their own name. Instead of “the mother”, it would be Jane Doe, or whatever the person’s name is. In this frag you go from floating above the scene looking down on the mom and baby to closer in on the mom, to skipping across town to the doctor drinking a DP. That is Omni. It is the world as a omnipresent god-like entity would see it. You, as the god-like Omni narrator are showing a lot of sympathy towards the mom, but that alone does not make it 3rd person limited.
To fix the POV problems, try exactly what that writing guide says. Write this frag again in 1st person. Then change the pronouns (to he, she, it, whatever) where necessary. I guarantee this frag will go in a whole new direction.
(edited for spelling, and to add a smiley)
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited February 15, 2005).]
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