posted
I haven't actually posted anything in here for a while, though I often look around. I have sadly had little time over the last several months for critiquing, due to real life concerns. Some of that has calmed down now, though, and I'm hoping to start critiquing again. In the meantime, I was hoping to get a little feedback on this fantasy piece that I've been working on for a while. The story is 5400 words long. I'm looking for feedback on both the opening and the complete work. Thanks.
Heresy
* * *
“Yes, I can make someone disappear,” Herrik said to his guest. “It’ll cost you though.” “Would the reinstatement of your family to the Royal Court be sufficient?” “It’ll do as a start. But the restoration of my family to its former position was my father’s obsession, not mine. I’ll need something more than that. After all, if I do this, I’ll be risking the king’s ire.” Playing up the danger was a standard ploy. It was expected. Herrik knew that time was both short and on his side. He smiled insolently. “Besides, you’d be hard pressed to find another so well-versed in magic who would be willing to help you.”
posted
I'm generally not into fantasy that is not published or written by a professional. Probably because there is a bit too much crap out there that has to do with it. But, I would say that the beginning is intriguiing and I'm interested to learn more. But the dialogue seems quite forced and unnatural. That's just an opinion, but it's mine.
The dialogue feels like...I don't know. The writing style just doesn't flow with me. It's too...blah. Almost otherworldly. Like a scheming wizard who is very sofisticated is speaking. This seems to be the case in most fantasy ameteur writing. Which is why I tend to shy away. But, if you want, I suppose I could take a little look at your story and give you a critique.
posted
well, duffy, if you hang out here, you're probably going to end up reading a lot of early drafts of fantasy stuf, since that's what a lot of people here write.
Heresy, I see two main problems here. One is that the dialog is heavily expository. The second is that we have no idea who Herrik is speaking to. The combined effect is that you seem to be deliberately withholding the information that would flesh out the scene and make it real, while using "As you know, Bob," style dialog to set things up.
posted
Lots of interesting concepts introduced here, but I feel like we are coming into the scene without any anchor. There is no sense of setting yet. Also, I had to read it a couple of times to get a sense of who the POV character was. It might be better to establish the setting first. No need to do an elaborate parorama view of the environment. It can be very simple.
Example: Herrik was interuppted from his meger meal by a loud knock on the door of his cabin. or Herrik watched Lord Finely pace in front of his hearth.
posted
I agree about the lead in to give a sense of setting, though I found the actual conversation interesting and only got a little hung up on a word: "ire".
I love fantasy so if you don't mind me taking it for the weekend (sorry, I am not a same day critiquer) I will happily take my pen to it.
Just send as an attatchment and put your hatrack name as the message title, so I know it is you (otherwise I delete 'em unopened if I don't recognize the address).
posted
I agree with the remarks about establishing a setting. On a minor note, the third line might have more of an affect if you changed it to "It'll do... as a start." You could then pause for a little posturing, thereby enabling you to give some kind of intro to the guest. I really liked the last three lines, they clearly display the one-sided nature of the negotiation taking place.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2005
|
posted
“Would the reinstatement of your family to the Royal Court be sufficient?”
This seems like a very large and difficult thing, but he offers it right away. Also, not seeing what comes next, I could be wrong but, wouldn't the "guest" be angry his grand offer was marginalized and rejected so quickly? (also I don't know who this "guest" is or how he'd do it, so maybe it's no sweat for him)
Printer-friendly view of this topic
