Amanda stood and contemplated the circular patch of grass. It was ten feet in diameter and everything that came within a few feet of it had died. In the center was a large dome shaped structure made of mud and sticks. Amanda took a couple steps toward it, but was snatched from behind.
“What’re you doing?” Jake asked as he held his daughter in his arms.
“Getting a closer look.”
“Mandy, if you had gotten any closer to it I would have lost you.” He pointed down to the ground not even a foot in front of them. Littered within a few feet of the circle were dozens and dozens of dead flies and wasps. When she understood, he said, “Promise me you’ll never let your curiosity get the best of you. Any circle of grass you see like this is home to a Merodian spider. Leave them be, or we will all regret it.”
“Yes, father,” she complied. She watched her father walk back to the house and planned her future excursion into the spider’s lair.

I'm not really hooked yet. There's a spider that kills everything within a ten-foot radius, and we've got a girl (how old?) who's going to do the typically stupid thing and go into the spider's lair. Sounds like it might be cool, but I don't think that I'd keep reading from this.

I agree with Jaina about the girl going to go "do the stupid thing." It's a bit predictable and a little clichéd.

And I'm going to attempt to answer Keeley's question for you, mostly to see if I'm following the story correctly (if I'm wrong, then you might need to change something):

"When I read this fragment, I wondered why the father was willing to let such a dangerous creature live."

Good luck with your story, though!

""When I read this fragment, I wondered why the father was willing to let such a dangerous creature live."

I'm guessing that he wouldn't kill it because if something were able to kill on the scale as large as is being suggested, there really wouldn't be any safe means for her father to kill the spider without being killed himself… "

Ask and ye shall receive. That's exactly what I had in mind, Raven. And if the community tried to band up and kill the spider, it would prevail. There are also multiple spiders, as the story will acknowledge once I finish it. Not really normal spiders are these..

Every single time he manages to break through it again, and yesterday was the turning point. He got out and I didn't notice for about 20 minutes. Then I hear inside my house what sounds like a calf being killed by wolves, then I look out my window and see my rottweiler off in the distance being chased off by two stray dogs. So out of curiosity I go out and pick up a stick on the way -- I'm not having someone's cow die on my property.

As I'm running out there, I look at my blue heeler's pen and I see he's not in there. I then run in a full sprint out to the tank, and it's not a calf dying, but six stray dogs attacking my blue heeler pup. I kick a few off and one is still biting my pup, so I hit it with a stick and get them all away. And today my pup is literally immobile; one of the dogs broke his leg I think.

I live in a place where we deal with fire ants (known to blind cattle), killer bees, brown recluse spiders, rattlesnakes, etc. If you don't make the merodian spiders aggressive, then I could see humans possibly allowing them to live, but the people I know around here fight all the animals/insects I listed above with everything they have if they come near a human house especially one with children. And all of those creatures leave you alone unless you become a threat in some way.

Humans are the most aggressive species on this planet and I have a hard time believing that aggression wouldn't be turned on the merodian spiders if they were perceived as a threat to human existence.

Unless, as has been suggested, you bring them into the ecology. That I would believe because it would suggest balance in the world you've created.

2. Would he risk his life to kill something that will most definitely kill him knowing that there's a high chance that he might not be able to kill it before it kills him…?

quote:

---

She watched her father walk back to the house and planned her future excursion into the spider’s lair

---

Maybe I misread it, but to me that implies the house is within sight and I interpreted it to mean that the nest was near the house.

As for #2, that's why I mentioned getting the community involved in an earlier post.

And lastly, #3. I have no desire to read further because between the stupidity of the daughter and the description of a creature that was impossibly dangerous, yet allowed to live near a family's house, I didn't get hooked in the first 13 lines. I applaud your patience (no sarcasm... I mean it).

I know the first thirteen are only the opening and I thought I was treating them as such. If anyone here thought otherwise, I'm sorry. I should have been more clear in my critique.

I, also, was not trying to critique the entire story. You're right that it could be clarified beyond those first thirteen, but there's nothing in what he's posted that makes me want to read further and that's what I was trying to focus on.

And now, if I say anything further, I know this will degenerate, so I really and truly will shut up now.

[edited to take out a condescending comment and clean up a sentence.]

"I didn't get hooked in the first 13 lines."

For a reader like myself, it isn't a matter of being hooked, but of not being turned off by anything. Good writing sends up some signals suggesting that this author really knows both how to write and how to tell a story, but the real difference is that bad writing sends up all kinds of flags telling me that I'm not going to enjoy the rest of the story much.

I won't tell you how often a writer has "fixed" the opening, and I've read the rest of the story only to discover that the opening was the only thing that got fixed (though you can probably guess how often this has happened by my reputation). I'm honestly okay with that, my purpose is to help the writing get better, I'm not here to get free stories in my inbox (though I don't mind that aspect when it happens).

But I do like to see signs that the writer has the ability to integrate comments to improve the opening at least before I sign on to help with the rest. Because if the author of a story is unable or unwilling to make use of criticism, it's just unnecessary pain for all concerned if I give my feedback.

So, here goes.

It's about the toy in the circle. Yeah, I think that it's perhaps not cliche, but trite, too easy a solution to the problem of getting the girl near the circle. I actually like the idea that it's merely her curiosity that takes her there. Especially since she is intelligent and cognisent (sp? Kids stole my dictionary again) enough to decide to risk the danger that her father has just warned her against and return to explore it.

Kids are very curious. Not really stupid. Their minds thirst for knowledge, but they lack the experience to be able to approach the gaining of knowledge with the wisdom that will keep them from getting hurt or killed.

Like my own daughter who thought it might be fun to find out if she could stand on a soccer ball. She found out, the hard way, that a person can get hurt doing things like that. A half-body cast for five weeks. UGH! If I had ever thought to tell her that she shouldn't stand on soccer balls (by the way, add that to your list, fellow parents), the accident probably never would have happened. She at least would have been more cautious.

Yeah, I know. TMI.

But the idea that they're less likely to get hurt when they're little didn't work out this time. Spiral femur fractures are much easier to get when you're little.