The footsteps stopped. Michael tried to breathe as little as possible, fearing that even the sound of a breath from a hundred yards would give him away.

I'm reasonably hooked. My only criticism for now (besides the typo in scent) is that you almost immediately go into summarizing the afternoon. You're in a scene where someone is on the verge of discovery and presumably is in great danger -- and you stop to discuss something else? No! Let us have the excitement. When things cool down, then you can tell us about other things, if need be.

Well, before I do. You have a good source of tension, possible conflict here. But the execution of the sentences is hurting it.

Here, let's look at that second and third sentence:

quote:

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Michael trued to make himself fade further back into the shadows. Somewhere down the alley there was a splash as his pursuer stepped into a puddle left by the day’s earlier rain.

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First things first: Don't rely on "tried to" (typo there in that second sentence, by the way); you use this twice in your first thirteen lines. Look for stronger, more active verbs. Second, generally, you don't need to use "himself" in a sentence if you construct it another way. If the sentence starts with Michael, we'll assume that it's about him in some way. Therefore, you can cut out a bit of fluff in that second sentence, if you want.

Consider setting up the scene just a bit in that second sentence. For instance:

"In the shadows of the alley, Michael hid from his pursuer."

You don't have to use this example, but do you see how it sets up the whole paragraph, possibly a good portion of the immediate story? It shows us where, who, and who else, and what is happening -- we know that Michael is being pursued, he's in an alley, what-not. No messin', no fussin', and no "tried to" stuff. Just stating the facts. You can dress it up a bit, if you like; perhaps add something about him being wet and shivering, or that it's raining. But you can save that for the next sentences if you want to do so.