Puthro looked at the darkening sky. The black clouds moving in from the north matched his mood. The day had been wasted, no game to be found anywhere. He had seen a doe and her fawn, but passed on the easy shot. His father’s voice sounded in his head, “The gods forbid killing a mother or her young.” There would be other game. He and Sherra had some food left. True, it wasn’t fresh meat, but it filled the belly just as well. Sherra could make bark taste good if need be and he still had his snares to check in the morning; perhaps they would yield a hare or ground hen. His family would not go hungry. His stomach twisted. What he thought had been the start of hunger pains now grew into something more. It became an uncomfortable warmth that spread into his head. Something was wrong. He started to run toward home. He kept running as the uneasiness grew and gnawed at his insides. The woods made no sound. The smell of trouble and fear hung in the air. It clung to the inside of his nostrils, closing them off, working it’s way down into his chest, making it hard to breath. Fire seemed to engulf his heart. He stopped and leaned against a tree, trying to sort out his feelings. The Gods had blessed him with the gift of
posted
Hey no fair! You cut it off too soon. I want to know what his gift is. It is hard to get a good beigining in 13 lines that's for sure!
I'm not sure what he was blessed with. The section "Warmpth that spread into his head" seems a bit odd to me. To me, warmpth is a good feeling, so wouldn't it be an icy feeling, or try scorching? Why not to his mind, rather than just his head, or maybe it caused an unwelcome blush on his cheek.
I really like the begining, definately makes me want to read more.
posted
Punctuation problems, especially comma splices. (If you don't know what I mean already, see Strunk & White online.)
I'd start with paragraph 2. Since it's a novel, it isn't crucial to get to the hook ASAP, maybe, but I just didn't get much out of paragraph 1 that drew me in. OTOH, if you want to keep paragraph 1, maybe more sensory detail and less explanation.
posted
Is it bad that, at the beginning of the second paragraph, I thought the main character was having diarrhea? Until you said that it was his head that the warmth was spreading too, I was rather confused.
Still, it seems like a good start, though I think that an entire paragraph about them being on the verge of starvation and their options might be a little much. A sentence or two could probably convey the same message in less space.
I agree that you cut it off to early, though, *W* I'd be interested to find out more about what is happening to the main character.
One small point, though. The first time you say "The gods," you do not capitalize it, but the second time, its "The Gods," capitalized.
The only think I can think of is a change to "The woods made no sound", but that's because woods don't make sound. OTOH they can be filled with silence.
posted
...I thought someone had shot him, and he just didn't notice. I thought it was a little weird. But then I realized that I'm just an idiot who reads too much scifi to make valid assumptions about a fantasy piece Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
You need to intro the milieu a bit more (that could include Puthro's gift, or not). As it is, you've just left things a bit too vague for a bit too long, and since you've gotten started on some kind of action things are going to stay vague for a while yet.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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